I am so glad someone had the balls to take over and save the run down Suburban Lanes while the entire shopping center has been undergoing a massive modern transformation. The old bowling alley was dumpy but it still served a purpose and the ambiance had a vibe of low rent hipster cool. It was a great place to bring ugly chicks that you wanted to bang but didn't want your friends to see because no one gave a shit here, neither did the skanks because they looked as worn out as the balls... Getting fingered and thrown into the gutter was nothing new to them. The only scary thing was getting up the courage to stick your fingers into those 3 holes, it always reminds me of Timothy Dalton sticking his hand inside the giant scorpion holes in Flash Gordon, your digits just don't belong in there, bro, and don't smell it afterwards, either. The bowling was fine but the food sucked ass big time, the booze/beer was you get what you get and you're gonna like it... Sometimes, I got nothing and liked it.
Fast forward to present day and the people from Twain's have totally renovated the joint... And it's cool as shit, dudebros. It's fresh, modern, spacious, organized layout (except for the front desk where you sign in and get your gear, more later on that shitshow)... But overall, they did a great job on the space and even paid a lil homage to the old alley with the Suburban Lanes sign hanging on the wall in the giant sized shuffleboard area. Unlike Painted Pin, this is a bowling alley that normal regular people would prefer to hangout at without all the elitist bullshit you get over there in Buckhead. The staff at The Painted Pin act like they work at some exclusive celebrity club which is totally laughable and pathetic... Those motherfuckers even have a juice head bouncer out front to judge if you're worthy enough to enter. But enough of those toolbags, we're here to check out the new (dare I day "highly anticipated") local bowling alley with a very decent looking bar program and a "chef-driven" menu... Well, the pouch will see about that.
Let's go take a first look...
Nicely revamped with technology and stuff... It was $30 for an hour for up to 6 people on a lane, that's a pretty good deal. The colorful balls and ultra cool black shoes are brand new and I seriously want me a pair of them stylish bowling shoes, I need them, now. They need to work on the front desk and processing people in and assigning lanes more efficiently because the line was out their doors down the hall and almost to the outside doors. But I think they will get that shit straightened out soon rather than later... The long line ain't deterring anyone from leaving.
Weezy, how much for a Hitachino Sweet Stout bot? $5.50? What a deal! And it was good... Along with the Sazerac I had afterwards.
Decent cocktail and beer list for a bowling alley. The bar/bartenders are on point so far this early into the game... Let's see how they're doing on the grub front... Ordered a couple things to try out and the server almost knock over my drink... I
yelled out, careful, man, there's a beverage here! So, how was the food you ask?
You will see soon enough...
Georgia Hot Chicken. What is that... A flattened cheekan nugget? Broke off a piece to see how hot it was... Holy Jesus, I think Hell just froze over. This thing was SWEET... I said, sweet, like honey sweet, not a drop of hot sauce. I think someone on the line is illiterate, it's not honey glazed chicken, it's hot chicken. I wanted to ask for hot sauce packets, but that might be a bit insulting... So, I proceeded to eat it as is. The thigh was tiny, I mean tiny as in like it was the size of a quail's boner. The crust/batter was crispy and crunchy and gave it some girth but no chick would be proud putting this into their mouth. The decent looking bun was dense and woulda been great if there was red hot cayenne grease dripping off the crusty thigh but as y'all can see, it was quite dry and pathetic. The fries were acceptable nothing except for filler. I was hoping that this might have been just a minor hiccup due to the new menu and staff trying to learn and get up to speed on it. So let's try a simple pizza, instead and forget about the weak ass hot cheekan... This too shall pass... Or maybe not.
The Farmer, Comet tomato sauce, ricotta, Pine St. summer sausage, seasonal veggies. WHAT THE FUCK is this feculence... Is this a $19 joke, is this some
type of corporal punishment? Why is the tomato sauce and "ricotta" all clumped up, it looks like the goddamn map on the Risk board game... Did they just send out "IBS: The Pie of Gastrointestinal Domination"? My bowels are surrendering as we speak... This ridiculous specimen may possibly be the catalyst to "The flush that launched a 1000 shits". Dude, this entire thing was a fuckin' travesty... Walter would have prolly still ate it. But not the pouch, every one of my spidey senses were tingling, including my dingleberries. The dough/crust was half baked and raw like the line cook who made this... I don't even know why anyone at the pass who even let this out. Look at the sauce, it's not even a sauce, it's tomato paste straight from the can and wiped on there. The zucchini was the plural of seasonal veggies because there were 10 slices. The supposedly "homemade ricotta" looked like the mini mozzarella balls from Trader Joe's. Pine Street Market should repossess the remaining inventory in their walk in because their sausage looked like it was hacked apart with a cheap blunt camping hatchet... Leave the butchering to the experts. I did not even take a bite of this, it was so retarded looking that even retards would say they went full retard on this 'ZA and you know you never go full retard. I sent this back with the Sean Penn look-alike server... And asked if anyone in their right mind would pay almost $20 to eat this slop, he said, Sam might. Durrr.
I love the renovated space, the bowling and the drinks... They are packing in the crowds from families to hipsters on the first opening weekend and I think they will continue to do so... But they seriously have to address the food issue... It was insulting not only in presentation and taste but also the marked up pricing. If you're paying almost $20 for a pizza, you expect it to be made properly and edible... I know I know, I'm at a fucking bowling alley, what do you friggin' expect, pouch? Funny thing was, the overall menu read pretty well on paper with things that you would actually like to eat even if it wasn't at a bowling alley.. But as we have witnessed, the execution was extremely amateurish... I know they just literally opened for business but shit, c'mon, you had weeks/months to work on it and this ain't their first rodeo... Ok, maybe it was their first goat rodeo. The new bowling alley is still a great spot to hangout with friends, play a few frames, have a few well made cocktails and nicely priced Hitachino, just stay away from the food until they get that shit worked out. I will be back again but that pizza still haunts me hourly...
2619 North Decatur Rd.
Decatur, GA 30033
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