Asian Supermarket

Ranch 99 was the king of the shit in this Buford Hwy landmark called Asian Square for many years... Then it quietly disappeared from all the formidable competition. For years, this large space sat empty until recently it reopened as Asian Supermarket. The market itself is nothing that great, it's clean but looks old and worn... But they have a small food court. So far, only two food shacks are in operation, Red Pepper and China Kitchen which seem to be very similar to the China Kitchen in the Chinatown food court. There's also a third shack, Best BBQ, which looks like it will be opening soon... And seemed to be by the same owners from the one at the Great Wall market but this outpost will not have dim sum, just plates and BBQ. There's also a bakery/bubble tea shop that is semi-part of the food court... It's ok but anyone opening a place like this will have a hard time competing with Sweet Hut in this strip mall. My main interest here when they first opened the food court was Red Pepper... Shit, anything spicy gets my attention. If they can do it right and tickle my taint with their fiery hot concoctions, I will be their biggest cheerleader for free... If not, well, y'all know I'll be shitting that slop out like Pepto Bismol on steroids.
Let's try out a few dishes from this tiny food court and see if they will last... I have a special feeling already but I shouldn't judge so prematurely until the pouch has it's final say.

China Kitchen.

Scallion Pancakes. For $2.50, it's a decent portion... They look housemade but they are just so thick and barely have the flaky layers that one expects from a well made one. They're doughy, chewy and just didn't have that nice crunch to it. I would skip these until they have made major improvements.

Soup Dumps. Looked impressive when it came out in a bamboo steam basket. The dough look semi-thin and they were pretty sizeable. Took a bite and the dough was a bit thicker than it appeared and there was barely any soup in there. The small marble size pork ball inside didn't have the correct amount of fat in it so it was a tight dense meatball vs. the velvety juicy fatty meatball you expect to find in a proper soup dump. They are not horrible and would work for a quick hunger fix but these are not crave-worthy enough to be on my list or any list for that matter.


Red Pepper.

Jajang Dry Noodle. I love this dish but not every place can make it correctly. First thing she ask is if I wanted rice noodles or ramen noodles with it... What the fuck, yo. I'm fucking boiling already and I haven't even ordered the spicy chongqing noodle soup yet. I calmly said, "ramen, pweez"... Because she was really pushing my buttons trying to tell me what the different between the two noodles were. She said rice noodles is what they use in pho noodle soup. Thanks, Nancy Drew, even Raymond Babbitt can figure that one out. This was the strangest bowl of jajang mein I have encountered thus far on Buford Hwy. It's topped with so much veggies and the fermented soybean paste was too liquidity. Mixing all that shit into the thin ramen noodles made it a difficult task. I can't believe they didn't even get the noodles right in this classic comfort dish. They should be thicker noodles, is that so difficult to do? It tasted ok but nowhere near the standards you would expect from a wannabe "authentic" Chino joint. I would skip this and stick with the spicy stews or noodle soups. 

Spicy Chongqing Noodle Soup. Sounded great on paper and the lady said it is very spicy... "Hope you like spicy." I said, you have no clue wimman. Once again, she asked if I wanted rice noodles or ramen noodles... Jesus fucking Christ, don't fucking start that shit again. Is this a bowl of pho? No? So, don't fucking put rice noodles in my spicy chingchong soup, biatch. I was anticipating a hot spicy bowl of noodle soup to nurse a night of heavy drinking and chasing raccoons... Well, I think they were raccoons. I saw one of them get into a car. But let's not talk about that nightmare... The noodle soup is our focus here. It looked pretty good when it came out, it was steaming hot and the chili aroma was wafting up my nose clearing it out. I didn't mind the "ramen" noodles in this bowl because it still worked in this style of soup. The broth was a light beef bone broth that didn't have much flavor or complexity to it alone... But after mixing it all up, the broth even out in flavor with the chili oil... It still wasn't that spicy. I guess I coulda asked her for more chili oil/paste but it still wouldn't make much difference. It's an ok bowl of noodle soup, not very spicy and not very interesting. I would not get this again no matter how fucked up I was.

First impression of this food court was disappointing but I have not written it off yet because Best BBQ is opening a shack there soon. So, there's still some glimmer of hope. China Kitchen has beef chowfun and until I sample that, it's still on my radar. As for Red Pepper, they would be my last choice... Before the earth blows up. 

Asian Supermarket 
5150 Buford Hwy NE
Atlanta, GA 30340

Grindhouse Killer Burgers Decatur

Their new freshly built out stand alone location in Decatur looks impressive with the second floor bar and deck over looking Chick-fila and the high school... The view may sound like a joke but they will prolly kill it here. Their Piedmont location started out pretty good but the quality kinda went down over time and the tiny Sweet Auburn Market location is such a pain in the ass to get to and parking is a nightmare... Maybe opening a third intown location will invigorate their energy and passion for this all American staple again. I like this location a lot, not just because it's new and shiny but also in a great walkable area in Decatur. They need to do a bike night here, they have the space and would totally kill it... Victory sure is raking in the biz on their Twos-day bike nights. We all know how the food tastes here but we will confirm it again just for shits and giggles... Plus, the pouch is hungry.

Euro-Style Double Burger. The shrooms and swiss cheez are great on a burger but never let them put on the mayo and mustard because no matter how little you tell them to put on, they usually just drown the fucking burger in it and make it all soggy. The burger is good, a single is usually more than enough but I haven't had a double in awhile and needed my monthly intake of fat and grease. There's no temp request on the burger but they're usually pretty good about not over cooking it to death.

Fried Green Tomatoes. I never had the FGT here before, so, might as well try it. They're not bad except that it was slathered in chipotle ranch. Anything that has sauce here, you should get it on the side. The sauce made the otherwise crispy batter crust mushy and really, who needs that much sauce on this.

Fried Pickles. Served with the same chipotle ranch sauce, at least this was on the side. Without the sauce on the fried pickles made it so much more appealing and tasted much better with a crispy crunchy crust and a briny finish. A little dip into the sauce is really all you need. These were pretty good overall. I would get them again.

There's no doubt in my mind this place will kick ass here in Decatur, it's about time they opened one in a high foot traffic area. I think it's funny that they opened right next door to a Chick-fila... Those cow billboards should be coming up soon.

433 N McDonough St
Decatur, GA 30030
http://www.grindhouseburgers.com/

Hunt's Oyster Bar & Seafood Restaurant

We all know Panama City Beach is the arm pit of the gulf known as the Redneck Riviera... But the pouch is drawn to it once a year during the PCB Thunder Beach biker rally. The options for food on the main cruising strips are pretty much limited to fried and fried. But if you go back to the downtown area of Panama City you can find a couple of winners that is not ultra rednecky or touristy.
The locals swears by this seafood dump... Dumps like these are totally in my wheelhouse. If you don't get here early expect to be waiting for an hour plus to be seated. Once you get inside the menu has all the classic seafood hits... Let's see if these hillbilly local yokels really know what they're talking about.

Crab Claws. I don't know why they need to give you extra clarified butter because these claws are soaking in an addictive garlicky butter bath... And I loved these things. It's like a crab lollipop. Now, I know why they give you extra butter... Because you can't stop dipping the crabmeat in the fatty liquid.

Peel and Eat Shrimp. More goddamn clarified butter... For peel and eat shrimp? The last thing I want is to dip my shrimp in butter... Ok, maybe just once or 6 times. You really can't go wrong with this simple dish.

Oysters. For a dump, they actually have some decent shucking skills... All the oysters were intact and pretty plump. They were pretty fresh and had a nice hint of the sea with the brine which they didn't wash off. Another dozen, pweez... And don't forget the butter.

Clam Strips. When I see fried clam strips I gotta order it. These low rent fried rubber bands always brings me back to when I was a young and lighter pouch... The HoJo's clam strip dinner was one of my favorites and these strips did it the same justice. What? No butter? WTF.

Crab Legs. These legs were pretty meaty and tender. I assume these are one of their best sellers so the quick inventory turnover keeps them coming in with fresh batches. There's that butter again.

Crab Cakes. They were acceptable but definitely not the crab cakes I was expecting. It's funny that they have grill marks on it. Deep fried and then finished on the grill. I don't know what kinda technique this was but they were strangely tasty. Ok, look, more clarified butter.

Fisherman's Platter. A seafood mix of fried oysters, scallops, shrimp, fish, hush pups with some veggies and baby taters. It was an ok sampler but nothing really to revisit again. After a few bites everything started to taste the same.

Sides of Stuff. Some non-fried stuff was a nice change but where's the butter? Can't eat the corn and hush puppies without butter!

Packed and a lengthy wait time at 5:30PM. This little dump is a gold mine, it's supposedly packed like this everyday.

Sometimes, going off the main area will reward you with some good eats and this time we got lucky with this joint.

1150 Beck Ave
Panama City, FL 32401
http://huntsoysterbar.com/

Back in the Pannus Again

The pouch has been eating like normal again and that should please his one reader salivating for more toilet humor reviews. Shit, all this weekend's grub intake makes me wanna sing...

It's back in the pannus again
Out where a fried cheekan is a fried cheekan
Where the LongHorn's cattle feed
On the low rent blooming onion weed
Back in the pannus again

I didn't go to LongHorn but I will someday and y'all will get the real unbiased review of that dump. But in the meantime, I did hit a few oldies recently to see if their shit has been staying consistent or turned to total slop.

Hong Kong Harbour.

Beef Chowfun. This is one of my favorite dishes of all. It's great for breakfast, lunch, dinner or when you're hungover. HKH's version has been damn consistent all these years and it's a great standby when that urge for beefy noodles hits ya.

Beef Belly Wonton Noodle Soup. Still one of the best dishes on the menu that no one orders. Great broth, ultra tender beef belly parts, plump porky skrimp wontons and a nice handful of thin toothy wonton noodles... Plus, there's green veggies in there to make the vegheads happy. So comforting and satisfying.

Shrimp with Mixed Veggies. This was so gwailo-rized but I was craving it. They give you a shitload of pretty sizeable skrimpz. The mixed veggies were half cracker and half chino, a nice mix... Hey, because diversity! Just don't dangle your dongle in there but you can stir my tea with it.



Napoleon's.

Napoleon's Burger. Couldn't have asked them enough times to make sure it was cooked to temp at mid-rare. Came out all grey throughout the patty. Nothing like sinking your tooth into a dense tasteless patty. They did make it up be sending out another one cooked to the proper temp. So, that made the burger taste a bit better. It's a very average burger, pretty much nothing to write home about... Except on this stupid ass blog. Next!

Fried Grouper Sandwich. A pretty straight forward fried fish sando. Nothing spectacular but it was ok in a backyard party kinda way. The grouper filet was thin but fried nicely with a crispy crunch and delicate white fish inside. The LTP looked foolish like a clown underneath that top bun.

Cuban Sandwich. This is one ugly sandwich. It looks like it has leprosy. The bread flaking off pieces of itself. Reminds me of Robert the Bruce's father. I'm eating his face! This was no Cubano, it was just a hammy pork sando. It wasn't even prepared correctly, just tossed together and lightly pressed. Cheese wasn't melted, ham was falling out, the pork was bland and the spicy mustard was barely there. For $11, I coulda got 2 ridiculously good looking Cubans at Pan American Bakery with a dollar to spare. The rice and beans were ok.



The Grove.

Wings. They usually have some decent wings but on this visit they were kinda lackluster. They're smaller than I remembered but they did fry it just a tad bit more extra crispy for me. The hot sauce was as weak as the regulars here... There is nothing wrong with hanging out with other people's grandparents. I still like this place, it's a novelty.

Double Chocolate Cake... Or some shit like that whatever the server with the mushmouth said. It seemed old and dried out but I guess that's their demographics after all. Oh snap, you see how I worked that in.



GA RenFest.
I know... What's a sophisticated chap like the pouch doing here at such a low rent redneck event? Well, because I'm a low rent fat fuck so I'll fit right in... Speaking of fat, the carnie food served here are a real special treat. Like in dog treats. Thank god they didn't invent mirrors here, yet.

Foot Long with explosive shit on top. Looks exactly the same going in as it does coming out. That is some fucking awesome magic trick. I don't know why I got it with everything, guess that's the thing to do when you're in Rome or Fairburn, UK but the dog itself was actually quite good, I can't believe I'm even saying that... But the fake cheez whiz and sloppy shit stained chili was total garbage. Scrape that shit to the side with the spork and you should be ok. But after 45 minzies, it's fair game on your bowels.

Turkey Leg... How can anyone not get one of these when you're at this special event with really bad Engrish accents surrounding you. First off, there aren't even any turkeys in England. So how the fuck did this carnival item became so popular with the redneck knights. I gotta admit, I liked the turkey leg, it's so goddamn low rent, but not the price. For $8, you too can gnaw away on this beast of a leg for hours on end. I have yet to see someone work it down to the bone.


After all that slop, it's time to ride off into the sunset... To the closest porta-potty. Splash.

Brush Sushi & Izakaya Ramen Night

My first visit was pretty good but the takeaway was that this place was just priced off the charts for this area. Is it sustainable? I don't know but from initial observations, it looks like they could make it. The place has seen decent traffic even during the week but I don't know if that's due to the special ramen nights after 9PM on Tuesday to Thursday. It's just all so H&F burger. It's all about the marketing and I'm such a sucker for any special ramen night... I would eat that shit up, hook line and sinker... Even the bobber. So, I snuck in in the middle of the week which I thought would be quiet enough that I can eat my shit and go, but it was surprisingly busy. I can't just get the ramen alone, that would make the pouch seem like an amateur... So, a few snacks were had as well. Take a gander...

Ankimo, monkfish liver, ponzu. They musta read my shit and realized how low they were charging for this delicacy which is one of my favs... It's now $7 vs. the bargain of $5 before. It is still worth it and tastes just as good as the $5 one.

Yahata Maki, braised chicken, white asparagus, okra, daikon, bamboo shoot. For $5, this was a very nice tasting of a cheekan nugget stuffed with white asparagus inside.The okra is awesome and this was just a great little dish that tasted more complex than it looked.

Chirashi Don, sliced assorted seafood and vegetables, sushi rice, real wasabi. I see fishes but I don't see no veggies... But that's just filler anyways. At $22, this bowl was pretty small but the quality was evident in the fish selection. This won't fill you up as an entree but it sure will as a very pricey appetizer. This is the most expensive chirashi in town and I just don't know if it's worth exploring again in the future. Put that money towards the entry level omakase.

Duo Broth Ramen, chicken & seafood broth, chicken breast, pork belly, bamboo shoot, spring onion, ajitsuke egg. At a nose bleed $15 price point, this is prolly the most expensive bowl of ramen in the city. The presentation gives you the illusion that there's a lot of stuff going on in there but it's all about how it's laid out in the bowl. There's not enough broth as there should be... Let's face it, the broth and the type of ramen used are the real stars in a ramen bowl. The rest of the garnishes are just for show, filler and conversation. The small amount of the duo broth was barely warmed through which is a big pet peeve of mine, the broth should always be piping hot so you can smell the aroma steaming up. As for flavor, the dark brown broth just wasn't as rich and complex enough for me. Chicken broths never are, it needs more fat and collagen. But it wasn't bad at all, it was what they aimed for the broth to be, medium body. The straight ramen noodles were good but they were a bit over cooked and didn't have that snappy bite and chew to it. The egg yolks could be a bit more runny. The sous vide chicken was soft and melted in your mouth with little chewing effort. The fried lotus root chips gave it that nice crispy texture. The minced pork belly mash did nothing for me... I don't know if they were trying to mimic XO sauce, here's an idea... How about use real XO sauce and leave the pork belly intact. The thing that stood out the most in the entire bowl was the use of dice raw yellow onions, that shit was so onion intense that once you get that potent raw onion juice on your palate, it doesn't disappear and affects the taste of everything else. If the broth was super hot, it would have neutralized the harsh raw onion taste and cooked it off a bit. Use some shallots instead for a sweeter note, shit, even inexpensive white onions would work better. And I don't see the need for both raw onions and green onions in the same bowl. For $15, you should expect perfection, no, you should demand it. This bowl tasted more like a $9 bowl of noodle soup. Was it bad? No, it wasn't but charging $15 was kinda insulting. Until they make some adjustments and changes to their signature ramen bowl, I would not re-explore this dish again. It's just not worth the hype at this point. But I hope they turn that around quickly because there ain't no decent ramen to be found within walking distance.  

Ginger Sake Slushie. Hmmm, they look awfully close to the Jack & Coke slushies concept at Victory... No way this was a coincidence... Nope, wink wink. They have like 5 flavors, I sampled the ginger and Chinese 5 spice. I stuck with the ginger because the 5 spice was a little too heavy on the spices after a few sips. For $10 a pop, it's a cute novelty to try once... This will never give you the buzz of the Jack & Coke slushie. Just spend the $10 on the Hitachino, instead... And they don't even let you keep the panda cup.

Even with the ramen disappointment, I'm still cheerleading for this joint. It has promise and passion. Opening a high end sushi joint in Decatur is ballsy, but I do like their menu and the fish quality is one of the better ones in the city. There's still a lot of work to be done to make it that destination spot but they're on the right track and I think they will get there sooner than later.

316 Church St
Decatur, GA 30030
http://www.brushatl.com/

The Capital Grille

Jesus Christ, this place is still open for business? You mean it didn't get swallowed up by the Shops of Buckhead on the Rodeo Drive of ATL? I have not been back here in years maybe decades... But I was suckered into coming here with the promise of brown juice. I never liked restos that's on the top floor of any building. You just don't have a proper exit plan... I don't want to be stuck running around from floor to floor like John McClane in the Nakatomi building. If the food sucked, I like to get my fat ass outta there as quick as possible and my opulent muffin top is just not built for quick maneuvers going up and down a flight of stairs with shards of glass in my elephant foots... The pannus is like a pair of fried egg titties slapping me in the face with any type of aerobic exercise. This "steakhouse" wants to be in the same league as Chops and Bones but it has the corporate chain decor funk smeared all over the joint which makes it smell cheap. But the lure of unlimited whiskey was too much for me resist... So, I'm gonna take another one for my team of one... The shit I endure for my one reader.

I had a few cocktails and then the appetizers started flying on the table all at once like drones controlled by dorks on dope with no timing whatsoever. The fucking savages at the table were like vultures devouring plate after plate of the morsels... Such as the Steak Tartare, Lobster and Crab Cakes, and Pan-Fried Calamari with Hot Cherry Peppers. The gang bang of grubby fingers went through them so quickly that I didn't get a chance to snap a pic of the vittles. The decimated plates looked like the face of an unsuspecting amateur teen after Ron Jeremy had his way with it. Oh, well, everyone knows what that craps looks like anyways... And it didn't taste half bad.

Wedge with Bleu Cheese and Applewood Smoked Bacon. Is this a joke? This is the ugliest wedge salad I have ever seen. It looks like a fucking avalanche... Someone call search and rescue, children could be buried alive under that bleu cheese jizzlobbery waterfall. What lazy motherfucking short order cook created this creasture? How is it that the diner is doing more work slicing this iceberg lettuce than the cook... I'm paying you top dollar to chew this shit for me. The presentation was unappetizing, shit just thrown up in the air and landed on the plate in a crop dusting pattern. Get this nasty shit outta my face, Pablo... For the children

Dry Aged NY Strip au Poivre with Courvoisier Cream - 14 oz. This was a big piece of hulking meat. No one needs to eat this much man meat in one sitting... Except for maybe Jenna Jameson. I know I can't put that much manhood in my mouth. And the color on that cream sauce... I knew I shoulda asked for it on the side... Flush. Let's turn our attention to the sides for a minute...

Joined by the Strip's fwends- Roasted Wild Mushrooms, French Beans with Heirloom Tomatoes, and Sam’s Mashed Potato. I'm just gonna let this sit here for a bit and survey the land on how to attack this. Prolly good idea to slice it all up.

Post Bobbitizing the man meat... Ordered mid-rare and it was close, just a tad bit over... Nah, it was medium. Looked decent but here's the thing, the meat was kinda chewy, dry and had a grainy texture and that ain't from the peppercorns. It wasn't bad by any means but for a semi high end steak joint you woulda thunk it would be juicy, tender and melt in your dirty piehole like buttah. That is why I always asked for mid-rare, shoulda asked for rare, shit, even blue. Some cooks still don't know the difference between medium and mid-rare. Overall, it was acceptable but when you're paying these prices, you don't want just acceptable... You want motherfucking mouthgasms. The sides were good, though.

Seared Citrus Glazed Salmon. It looked properly executed but it also looked boring as fuck. The haricot vert were snappy and decent. The salmon was as expected, tasted like salmon at every other steakhouse... Boring as fuck and semi dry.

This chain ain't gonna win any awards for the food but if you want mediocre/acceptable grub at lofty prices this is the place for you to impress some dumb broad or a client you're trying to slay. It's an old school Buckhead joint that's been around for a long time and it prolly will continue to be with the Buckhead locals' taste for pretend high end food. It will be another 10 years before I even consider coming back here.
Snooze.

255 East Paces Ferry Rd NE
Atlanta, GA 30305
http://www.thecapitalgrille.com

Dongnea Bangnea aka Kim CHI House

There's a lot of Korean BBQ joints in Atlanta, while most of them are in Duluth you can still find a handful of places ITP that has it. I still think Han Il Kwan is one of my favorite go to joints if I wanted non-AYCE Korean BBQ... And they also use real charcoal vs. propane/gas. But when you and a bunch of fat friends want massive amounts of man meat and don't want to drive all the way out to bumblefuck upstate GA, there is little place that is hidden off Oakcliff Rd in a shitty strip mall with AYCE brisket and pork belly Korean BBQ. It's not the best but it'll do when it's late on a Monday night and nothing else is opened. Some people like this place and some hate it... But hey, for $18.95 AYCE, I ain't complaining... They got other shit on the menu but sometimes you don't want to think to hard and just want to focus on eating in mass quantities... Let's go get obeast.

Banchan. Not a very extensive selection of the banchan nibbles but they got the right ones that I wanted... Sprouts, kimchi, daikon wrappers and dipping sauce/oil/miso. 

A big pile of paper thin brisket ready to be grilled. Makes you wanna throw this plate of up in the air and sing... It's raining man meat, hallelujah! Gonna let myself get absolutely soaking fat!

The smallish table top gas grill ain't the best vehicle to grill the amount of meat we were eating but it worked. The brisket was thin so it made it less chewy, so you can gobble down as much as you pretty quickly. I was too busy shoveling meat flaps into my facehole that I didn't take pics of the pork belly when it came out... They were super thick and it got a bit chewy while cooking it all the way through. They will cut up into pieces but just double cut them so it's less chewy.

Kim CHI pancake... Thin and crispy, could use some more gochujang but still tasty.

Cauldron of lava egg... And it's piping fucking hot and dericious. It's like the Korean chawanmushi.

This joint ain't the best for Korean BBQ but for the price and being close to ITP, it's a decent choice for an AYCE quick fix. The staff is pretty nice and the place is clean. If you have more time, I would just go up to Iron Age for a better selection of AYCE meats and seafood for $23. But this place satisfied my orgy of man meat fix.

3042 Oakcliff Rd
Atlanta, GA 30340

Caribbean Chicken & Fish

There's just something magical and adventurous about tiny shithole food shacks... Because who the fuck really wants to knows what kinda mystery meat they use... But they usually tastes so goddamn good and cheap that you just don't give a fuck if you're eating raccoon ass giblets or lady possum bits. One of the best hole in the wall dumps was the original Las Brasas which was located in a late 1800's era jail cell... Their Peruvian roasted cheekan was so fucking good that the way I licked my fingers clean made the broads next to me blush and moist, it was like crack... Shit, it coulda been seasoned with crack by the looks of that place. Now, they finally moved to a bigger but not always better location pumping out mediocre yardbird after yardbird, long story short, their food fell short and that love affair was over after my first bite.
Shithole food shacks are a dying breed, there are not many left... Wyatt's BBQ, Anne's Snack Shack, Jamal's Wings are a few that comes to mind and then there's this joint... I fell in love with this chump-dump the first time I ever walked through the door and smashed my fat face straight into the glass of the buffet steam table just like a chump. There is more square footage on the menu on the wall than there is beneath your feet. I have seen prison toilets bigger than this joint. This dump was a tattoo shop before, imagine that shitshow in this ultra hygienic space. I have made a handful of visits over the four years they have been jerking their chicken and now, it was time to make another visit or did I just needed to take a wicked piss break since this rundown shack reminded me of the public bathrooms in Asia. There's no doubt they smoke their meats here. Make shift smokers of different sizes are sprawled around their compound and they go strong all day. For a tiny dump, they have a wide selection of dishes to be had but I usually stick to their strongest items... Anything jerk is always a safe bet here.
Let's see if they still have what it takes to make the pouch happy or else they will be getting a bunch of prank calls from Frank Rizzo. So, listen up, sizzlechest... Da pouch needs his Caribbean fix, STAT.

Beef Patty. They have one of the best beef patties around, even if it's store bought now, maybe... I remember them saying they used to make them in house when they first opened a few years ago but it took them forever to bake them. I waited 40 minzies one time for one of these Jamaican hot pockets and it was totally worth the wait. But most rubbernecks don't have the patience to wait for these incredibly tasty patties.

Smoked Jerk Wings. These are some of the best smoked wings in town, they are even better if they just came out of the smoker. The skin is a bit charred, a bit crispy and full of smokey flavor. The meat is tender, moist and pulls apart with ease. I hate watching people eat these wings and leave a ton of skin and meat on there... You need to get every bit of morsel out of the crevices or else you're just playing with their emotions. Just don't do it, numbnuts.

Goat Curry, Jerk Chicken, mac & cheese and peas & rice. I really like the goat curry here even though if there's more bones than ultra tender goat meat. The curry juice/sauce is just a nice balance of spices and it ain't spicy at all. The jerk chicken like the jerk wings are smoked as well and the char, crisp, smoke and tender dark meat slides down your throat with little effort and maximum flavor. You can't go wrong with the rice and peas but their mac & cheese is da tits. Everyone knows that the crispies on the top layer is the best part and I tried to get him to give me a lot of the cheesy crust... He was like I can only give you so much of the crust but since you're sporting a full blown hard-on staring at the food, I will give you more crust just to get you outta here quicker before you start poking needle size holes in my menu. They don't skimp on the portions here, you get a lot of bang for the buck... I can't say the same for the skinny skank working the corner. You will not leave hungry if you decide to eat on the elegant front porch but if you take it home, you can put on your favorite moo-moo and park your barrel ass in your well worn Lazy Boy chair and enjoy this hefty meal in your own flatulence... Oh, yes, you will have gas and lots of it. That's a positive sign that the grub was good. You know, like how you're suppose to burp like a beast after a feast with Arabs.

I ate all this on their front porch and they don't have a bathroom, the tasty morsels went through me like purple drank at a high school party in East Point and I was about to explode... Now, I know how Sol Rosenberg felt when he went in for laser surgery... It's tearing the ass outta me! And my shoes fell off walking down that steep driveway into traffic... But I still fucking love this dump. Next time, I'm going for the roti.

3358 E Ponce de Leon Ave
Scottdale, GA 30079

Best Seafood & Noodle World

Is this the most FOBBY name in the world or what... It's obvious, Engrish is not their first language. If this was on Buford Highway, I would be all over this shit and it would prolly have some fucking kickass grub. I can not figure out how or why Mint 2 would open another very similar business a couple of doors down... Aren't they just cannibalising their current business? Everyone knows Mint 2 sucks ass and opening another resto just doesn't make sense or their food any better... Or does it? No one knows how Mint 2 stays in business after all these years, it's a fucking mystery... Baffles the mind. What baffles the mind even more is that I will still go and find out how bad this new joint will be. It took them forever to open this place and now they are in their soft opening stage even though no one would even notice. The space is quite large inside given how small it looks on the outside. The menu is still in the developmental stage... What? It's a mix of all different Asian cuisines. The only menu they currently have was the lunch menu and that continues on to dinner as well with higher prices. It is unreal how they still haven't got their entire menu down at this stage of the game... But I'm not surprised coming from the Mint people.
I looked up their website to see if I can find anymore details and the website is a total shit show... I pulled it up and it's like a website for a totally different resto. Pictures of oysters on the half, shrimp cocktail, ceviche, ingredients for hot pot, Italian pasta dishes, sushi in heart shapes, tuna tataki, seafood buffet platters, cannolis... It was just a mess and they even have a picture of the strip mall which seemed like it was located in Arizona instead of Clairmont Rd. They even have a quote, "In the past years, we have gained very good reputation of our foods. We use the fresh, best materials to cook the delicious food for you!"... Oh, really, didn't y'all just opened? This was totally fobtastic... And this fat fob is going to take the big bite, hook line and sinker.
Let's go torture the pouch... The shit I do for my one fan.

Papaya Salad. It is not on the menu as an app or side item but it comes with some combo meals... Asked them if they can just do it as an app. It didn't look bad when it came out, the papaya and carrot julienne were sitting on top of a bunch of iceberg lettuce so most of the marinade juices collected to the bottom. The liberal use of lime juice was just too overpowering and asked for some fish sauce which was actually quite good quality. That made all the difference. This also had zero heat to it. It's an average papaya salad... But nothing worth coming back to.

Beef & Meatballs Noodle Soup. This was a huge bowl of noodle soup... There's a lot of volume in there. A fat retard can wear this as a helmet after you finish it because they'll need it weeble wobbling outta the joint. The meatballs were store bought, the beef slices were way too thick, the rice noodles were standard issue. Didn't see any bean sprouts so asked them for some... Come to realize that they layered the entire bottom of the bowl with the sprouts to prop up the rice noodles to make it look like there's more than there actually was... Fucking old school sorcery. All the ingredients were average at best but the surprising thing was the broth, it was actually quite good. It's loaded with garlic flavor, I mean a ton of garlic essence and it's also very sweet, too sweet for my liking but it grew on me. Asked them what the broth was and they said, "soy broth"... What, come again? Did I just get bamboozled with a cheap instant broth? Fuck yeah I did and I got swindled again by the Mint 2 people. Now, I know where the sweetness came from... Our good friends HFCS and MSG. The sodium content of that broth must be heinous, no wonder why I liked it, that shit is like cocaine to me. What looked like a really promising bowl of noodle soup turned out to a wolf in sheep's clothing after dissecting it. Definitely not worth $11. 

Pad Thai Basket. Trying to be fancypants aren't we? Let's put wet juicy noodles in a giant prawn cracker... Because that will stay crispy for sure. If you just nibble on the edge of the cracker, it's crispy but if you dig underneath the noodles, it's like a giant soggy loose leaf paper spit ball. The pad thai was actually pretty decent, it had good flavor and texture. A couple squirt of lime juice makes it even better. I would get it again if I was jonesing for a nearby pad thai.

Ba-Mee Crab, egg noodle, spinach, cilantro, bean sprouts and chopped peanuts. Sounds pretty good doesn't it? Well, don't fucking ever order it because this crap in a bowl was bland as shit. I mean so bland that it didn't taste like anything... The stale air I was breathing in had more flavor. I thought maybe there would be like a XO sauce or something on the bottom to give it more flavor, so I mixed it all up and the bottom of the bowl was full of bean sprouts once again and nothing else. The "lump" canned crab meat was a generous portion but we all know canned crab taste like nothing and they even nuked it before they spread it on top. C'mon, we all know that nuked canned crab meat tastes like wads of spitballs.... Spitballs seem to be the recurring theme here. So, I waved the server down and told her this has got to be missing something because it was absolutely tasteless. So, she went back to the kitchen for the 15th time and asked the substitute cook (the real cook was not in) if this noodle bowl came with anything else... She came back out and says they can put "soup" in it. What the fuck world am I on? Is Bizarro cooking back there? Does this noodle bowl come with a broth, sauce or nothing? It shouldn't be this difficult. Who came up with this menu... Fuck me, can you tell I'm pissed off about this dish? I gave in and told them to just put the fucking broth in it and be done with it... It didn't turn out any better. Ate like 5 bites of it and pushed it off to the side. This fucking annoying as fuck dish sucked ass, don't fucking order it, fuckfaces...

Thai Tea. Not exactly the right vessel to serve a thai tea in but I ain't expecting authenticity after the last dish, either. Thai tea are usually pretty sweet but this was ultra sweet... You're required to go to the dentist right after drinking this. 

The whole night was kinda like a mesmerizing shit show... The limited staff knows next to nothing about the menu, the training was non-existent. One server says the lunch menu prices are the same for the dinner even though the bill came out adjusted higher for dinner service. This joint seems more like a lunch spot for the local college students than a dining destination. There was only one other table in the entire place on my visit and they ate some of their food and took the rest home... Even the old whities didn't like the Americanized Asian grub. The small amount of food sampled during their "soft opening" had some mids and lows... Nothing excited me enough to come back any time soon. I prolly shoulda just stuck with the stir fried noodles which seemed to be better executed than the noodle soup bowls. I may be persuaded to come back during a lunch service just to see if they have stepped up their game but I would definitely not come back here for dinner service... Not until they have proven themselves. But it is the owners of Mint 2... Shit, nevermind then...

1363 Clairmont Rd
Decatur, GA 30033
http://bestseafooddecatur.com/

The Imperial

I like the Imperial... It's a good place to hangout and suck down some suds and brown juice... Ok, they don't have the best selection of booze, sucks actually, but the beers will suffice for a local watering hole and a quick drink. The menu on the other hand have their fans because they're friends with the cook... And y'all know how they like to tickle their taint and gently juggle their sack like a pair of Chinese metal massage balls and say that their food is soooo guud... And then there's the pouch, who don't give a fuck who cooked the food, all it cares about is how it was executed and how it tastes sliding down it's oral tunnel to the gas tank of it's love machine. No grub, no love...
So, it was burger week which no one knew about but it was perfect timing because I was hankering for a good burger. But during these types of events, restos that participate usually don't put out their best showing because of the higher pedestrian volumes from the attractive promo price for the advertised item.
I went twice, one during the weekday and the other on the weekend. Let's see how that panned out...

DAMN Gouda Burger. Had the same burger during the beginning of burger week and it was pretty damn good on that earlier visit... But this visit on a Saturday towards the end of burger week was awful. The burger was a total mess, the patty was half the size of the first one and was in the shape of a kidney bean. Requested mid-rare and got well, totally cook through grey because it was already cooked ahead of time and sitting in a hotel pan I assume (are you fucking shitting me?). The fries were left over old fries, limp and soggy. The burger week obviously killed them with this specific burger but putting out consistent and proper food should be a priority, burger week or not. Maybe the kitchen staff should put down the bottle of Jameson, pulled up their pants and pay attention to what's cooking on the stove. Literally, this filthy short order cook was walking around the bar with his jeans below his ass cheeks and his shit stained brown underpants for all to see... Those tightie whities went through some emotional distress to turn Chattahoochee water brown. My first reaction to his loin cloth was similar to a gag reflex by a Catholic school girl inhaling the priest's hog in the confessional for the first time... Say Our Father 2 times and suck me off 7 times and when I say Oh God 3 times, your sins will be forgiven, my child. Squirt.

Roast Beef Po'Boy Half, gravy coated and messy, mayo , lettuce, tomato, pickles, Lee's Bakery French roll. Another disgusting mess... Sounded good on paper but execution was just pathetic. The broccoli was good, though... Steamed and sitting in a cup unseasoned. When you see the words "roast beef po'boy", I think about the classic NOLA sando. This was far from it. Shit was all greasy, gooey and falling out on the sides... Can I get a pair of Depends here, STAT! This was no po'boy, this was chopped up meat with soggy after 4PM Lee's 6 for a dollar bread that you had to eat with a knife and fork. Dare to pick it up with your hands and take a bite will only result with juicy brown stains down your shirt and pants like you just had a case of the frontal shits... Wait a minzies, I figured it out, that short order cook musta ate of these earlier! The lettuce was totally wilted like it was boiled, the slice of tomato was mushy and I didn't find any pickles in there. Who the fuck came up with this slop? They should serve this wet feed in a trough... Stick to the theme.

Hot Dog!, kraut. Ok, they seriously can not fuck up a hot dog, right? No, the dog itself was pretty good but the bun was boring as fuck, they didn't even butter and toast that thing for maximum flavor effect. The kraut came from a bag or can but it was acceptable. The fries on this plate was fresh, crispy and hot... Consistency, people, consistency. You can't put out shitty old fries on one plate and freshly fried spuds on another plate with both orders going to the same table. Jesus, come the fuck on, bro... Wake up.

Look, no one is expecting to find culinary nirvana here with the menu but I do expect some sort of edible pub grub in form and function... I get it with their hip menu with the cool foodie buzzwords, but the execution and presentation really fucking sucked. Like I said before, this is a place to grab a drink... So, stick to the drinks... And when I say drinks, I'm not talking about a hand made cocktail here, I'm only talking about the tall boy with a shot of well whiskey... And that makes me happy.

726 W. College Avenue
Decatur, Georgia 30030
http://imperialdecatur.com/