Kobe Steakhouse Hibachi Sushi & Thai

Hibachi joints are scary... Because most places that say they are using hibachi are lying to you. They are not hibachi, they are teppanyaki. Unless, you see a cauldron of hot coals with a grill on top, it ain't hibachi... The flat tops that we're all assimilated to are teppanyaki. No one should ever do teppanyaki unless you're a child under the age of 9 with a limited palate and it's your birthday. The whole "hibachi" gimmick is all about the show (which usually sucks ass, I think they hire retards or ex-clowns) and very little to do with the food cooked on top... And usually the food is totally simpleton garbage like fried rice and some stir fried meats with a side of annoying as fuck clanking, metal on metal noise shit to distract you from what you're shoveling down your facehole. Who ever created the fucking onion volcano should be shot with a surface to air missile... Dear Leader stole that idea from me, the missile not onion volcano, that cocksucker.
So, why the fuck am I here? For your oral pleasure, of course! Only the pouch is stupid enough to even attempt to accept this bout with IBS to entertain and inform my one reader of the local eats. Since, I will not be doing the "hibachi"... Let's take a look at the sushi and Thai cuisines. Yeah yeah, I know that you know that I know that this is gonna be most likely a total shitshow. But shitshows are always good time for the Fwied Cheekan Lipz, they're my specialty...
Walked in, had a really nice entrance set up, around the corner there is a bar out front which looked well stocked. Sat at the bar while waiting for a table... Looked to my right and there were three old broads that took turns going outside to chain smoke. As you can imagine they all had very sexy voices like George Burns... Or they were from Jersey. One hag asked for an Oriental beer since they were in an Oriental resto... The "When in Rome..." philosophy, obviously. The bartender/owner puts a Kirin and Sapporo in front of the ancient beast, she's like "which one is better?". Both are really good, he replied... Good, leave both of them was the answer. This was my kinda skank... If the lights were dimmer, I may have been tempted to slay that raspy dragon in the shitter. But it was bright as fuck, so I asked if my table was ready... Sooner rather than later, pweez. The hostess said, the table wasn't ready yet. I told her there were 9 empty tables right there... She said, but we don't have enough servers tonight because a bunch of them called in sick. You just can't make this shit up...
Oh, did I mention that shitshows were my specialty... 

Sushi & Sashimi. It actually looked pretty decent when it was placed in front of my snout. The presentation, color, assembly, slice size, shiso leaves... All looked to be in order. Could the pouch have been wrong before it even took the first bite? The pouch's gut feelings are usually pretty much spot on but there is always a small margin for an off day. Took a bite of the tuna... Why is it so tasteless and mushy? Took bites of everything else and they were all tasteless and mushy. This was evidence enough that the fish here were frozen, defrosted, frozen, defrosted over and over again until it was devoid of all flavor and texture. The unagi was dried out with a jerky like texture. The ebi nigiri smelled like it was sleeping with the frog from the biology class in a jar of formaldehyde. The sad part was that the spicy tuna roll was the best thing on this priceless plank. They should just put this platter like a plastic display in the front window.

Spider Roll. No one will ever be more of a sucker for a spider roll than this fat slob... I don't know what it is but this shit is like cocaine to me. That shit was even lined up to do bumps already... It wasn't awful but it was like bumping uglies with low rent crack. It looked like Rainbow Brite took a dump on top of this thing and flew off on Starlite to bomb another table. I wonder if they will serve Squattypotty unicorn's rainbow ice cream for dessert.    

Spicy Mango with Tofu. Why do I even bother getting Thai grub here... If you think they can't fuck this simple dish up, you're prolly a fan of this place. The mango, red bell peppers and tofu wasn't the problem... The issue was the fucking "spicy sauce". It was just plain old Mae Ploy sweet chili sauce poured over it... How fucking lazy and unoriginal can you be? I was truly baffled... A 5 year old can make this fucking dish.

Roti Canai. I basically dared myself to order this... Could this be as good as Penang's version? Did I really have to ask that question... The curry/satay sauce was so cloyingly sweet and disgustingly obvious it was from a can. Not one hint of curry in that HFCS glob of shit... Don't expect to find a nice chunk of bone in chicken thigh or leg in there. The roti was basically a scallion pancake without the scallions or just one of the frozen thick ass roti you would find in your grocer's freezer aisle. It wasn't good and no one here would be the wiser if they replaced it with a fucking toasted pita bread. Awful.

Miso Soup & Ginger Carrot Salad. Oh, yes... The perennial starters that comes with all sushi platters. Since everything here was pretty much canned, jarred and instant... Why shouldn't they continue with that theme. Instant miso and jarred dressing with the very classic Japanese romaine, cabbage and carrot salad. Compared to everything else, this was actually average... Which was surprisingly refreshing to have something mediocre in a meal that was so underwhelming, borderline trash.

Looks like I fucked myself again, what a surprise... Are you not entertained? I shoulda did the fucking hibachi side instead, at least I know I would get fucked without expecting a kiss first... The goddamn onion volcano sounds pretty appetizing right about now.

2080 Henderson Mill Rd NE
Atlanta, GA 30345
http://www.kobega.com/