Gu's Dumplings

As the wise Yogurt once said, "Merchandising, merchandising, where the real money from the sequel is made. Gu's Dumplings T-shirt, Gu's Dumplings hats, Gu's Dumplings coffee mugs, Gu's Dumplings-the Coloring Book,Gu's Dumplings -the Lunch box, Gu's Dumplings-the Breakfast Cereal, Gu's Dumplings-the Flame Thrower."

This is what happens when FOBs get a ton of attention and constantly get their dick sucked by the non-tribe gentile pedestrians... A nerd that now thinks they're a jock. Did they not see McDreamy in "Can't Buy Me Love"? Donald Miller can mow a mean lawn like a motherfucker but he can't cook Szechuan grub worth a shit. Seems like their purple helmet got too much blood flow from all the praise and decided to try to implant themselves into the cool kids clic. While that is all fine and dandy... We all know how that story will end. But there is hope for the dork to become the cool kid if they stick to their roots... And it doesn't hurt to learn the African Anteater Ritual dance, either. Gu's Bistro cooked like a rockstar and I loved their food because it wasn't dumb down but can the new hipster Gu's Dumplings hold it's own? Judging by the lines, it says yes... Judging by the demographics, fuck no. The whole merchandising is so fucking pathetic cause it makes them look desperate but I still have wet dreams about their bistro grub on a weekly basis. Even though this menu is a fraction of the size of the original, I was still curious to see if the quality is still there. But there is that issue with the new Kung Pao Chicken on the menu, though... George likes his chicken spicy! C'mon, it can't be that bad, could it? ...Let's feed the pouch.

Dan Dan Noodles. If you look at this in the right angle and squint your eyes (unless you're Asian), it almost looks like a skid mark in a pair of underpants. Even the new smoking hot redheaded Wendy's is like, "Where's the motherfuckin' beef, yo?" Nine bucks for some room temp egg noodles and a teaspoon of flavorless meat granulars. Now, I know how Henry Hill felt when he tried to ordered some spaghetti with marinara sauce and he got egg noodles and ketchup...An average nobody like the pouch. Why is there a red pepper next to it on the menu? If this was spicy than I will be a monkey's uncle... Which I'm not. Maybe a nephew or inbred first cousin primate. Just don't watch The Lost Boys while eating this... Only. Noodles. Michael. 

Zhong Style Pork Dumplings. C'mon, the place is name after dumplings, you would think they would excel in this arena. But no, they only have two options, pork or veggie at a dollar a piece, slight discount on full order which is still a rip off. These don't look like their Zhong dumps from before, they look like Panda Express potstickers.. With some reddish tinted juice masquerading as their sweet and spicy sauce squirted on it. Where's the spoonful of garlic that makes this dish? Even the filling of pork was unseasoned and clumpy. I mean there was nothing in that pork mix, just ground pork and nothing else. How can you call your place a dumpling joint when you really only have one type? It's like Baskin Robbins serving only vanilla or chocolate and calling it an ice cream parlor. I am stumped and so are these gluten flaps. This makes me sad.

Chongqing Spicy Chicken. "Very SPICY" my ass. Over fried and dried little min pin turd nuggets with some weak ass dried red chili pepper and the Szechuan peppercorns was basically non-existent. Good luck finding those peppercorns in this small take out bowl, I found 4 and 1 of them was garlic. The spicy heat level was comparable to the Fiery Doritos Locos taco. For $15, this measly little portion didn't even come with rice... That's an extra American Capitalism at its finest dollar, pweez. This was a shameful experiment of when hipsters interfere with Szechaun grub that belongs in the underbelly of Buford Hwy. This dish even shamed my family's honor... And we don't even have any.

Spicy Dried Eggplant. Ok, we can always count on them to deliver the goods on this dish right? Not when being cool hipsters are involved. I remember when these were done right, the inside was cooked through but yet toothy as oppose to mushy innards when deep fried which these were. The uniform batter coating on the outside says it all. If these were wok fried the batter would not be as perfectly fried uniformly all the way around including all the nooks and crannies. I don't know if they didn't have time to execute it correctly since they were in the weeds with a huge line waiting and said fuck it, just deep fry those fuckers, no one will know the difference. Motherfuckers, wrong... The pouch knows the difference. Spicy these were not, more like the heat you find in mozzarella sticks from the marinara sauce. Where the hell is the mind numbing Szechuan peppercorns? It's like a ongoing theme with all the dishes that suppose to have them. Don't fucking die on me, ese... And stop fucking dumbing it down. This $13 disappointment was a swift kick in the nads to all the true fans.

I thought it was a good sign that mom and pop were in the tiny kitchen whipping up the tasty spicy vittles. I expected no less from them to deliver the goods found at their Bistro. But I was wrong. It's no surprise that when you open up a food shack in the ultra trendy hipster KSM, things must change to accommodate the demographics. I don't know if their heart is in the right place or just got bamboozled by fools into opening a food stall way out of their element. You may gain a few new one time customers out of curiosity but you also may have lost the long time supporters on the first bite. Maybe they will get better with time but I doubt it, this model was all planned out way in advance. That's $50 and an hour of my life that I will never get back. The specimens sampled were so underwhelming that there is no need to try anything else, I already know what it will taste like. Wait, is that Chicken and Broccoli on the menu? Yep, they will be a success. One can only hope that Mongolian Beef and Crab Rangoon will be on the menu soon enough. Sigh...

99 Krog Street NE, Suite M
Atlanta, GA 30307
404-527-6007
http://www.gusbistro.com/gu-s-dumplings.html