UMI Revisit

I had a good experience here, not a great one... Especially, considering the cost to satisfaction ratio. Everything was fresh and tasty but the little details were a miss... Such as presentation, service and the order that the plates came out. It was a mess but I chalked it up to opening kinks. After a few weeks, it was about time for the pouch to see how they were coming along. I just can't resist the temptation, I'll admit it. Time to go bar hopping... From the cocktail bar to the sushi bar is my game plan. After a few perfectly made rye concoctions by Andy Minchow (go see him here while you still can before he leaves for his new joint), it was time to nosh...

Ankimo. I lurv me some monkfish liver. The first couple versions here were off the mark a little... This time it was prepared and presented differently and it was spot on. So good.

Yellowtail Jalapeno. Hey, it's the classic Nobu dish. It's never bad no matter where you order it.

Black Cod Misoyaki. Still looks the same from the past tries but the flavors now were more pronounced and layered. Still flaky as always.

Ok, summer camp is over, time for the big boys to play... Omakase style. Hand selected by Ito at the sushi bar only... Is there any other way?

Sashimi premium selection. This was super fresh and almost made me soil my underpants with the otoro. I got Ito to throw in a couple amaebi... I lurv sweet shrimp.

I knew Ito couldn't forget the best part of the amaebi... The fried brains!

Sea Bass. Kick his ass, Ito! One word: Damnalicious.

Then comes the nigiri selection...

 My rotary phone pictures doesn't do any of these specimens any justice.

The marinated tuna was nuts. Every piece that came out was ultra fresh and excellent which showcases Ito's knife skills. Girls only want boyfriends with great skills... And this mofo has great skills. I'll be his girlfriend... But I won't do that. Unless he feeds me.

Can never have enough otoro. Fuck you if you say otherwise. Was like buttah.

Seared kobe beef nigiri... Whaa what. Sick. Reminds me of the foie gras nigiri I had in Hong Kong. Like pork fat.

There were a couple more pieces of nigiri but I fat fingered them right to my slutty mouth. Shit never had a chance for a mugshot. So, let's go to the desserts... Not that I care for desserts much.

 Green tea souffle with creme anglaise. Not too shabby but the center was a tad undercooked, needed another couple more minzies in the hotbox. Still pretty tasty.

Red bean beignets with green tea ice cream. Cute and better than I thought.

UMI has redeemed themselves in just over a few weeks. The selection and quality has improved drastically. That's a good thing for the true sushi lover... But don't worry gaijins, they still have more rolls than you can shake a stick at. Flush. The place is still a scene for the trust fund babies and you can still expect to pay out the ass for the premium stuff. Trust me it's worth it. Is it the best sushi joint in town? Tough one to answer but let's say it's in my top 3.


3050 Peachtree Rd NE
Atlanta, GA 30305
(404) 841-0040
http://umiatlanta.com/

Gato Arigato

The duo behind this tiny restaurant inside a small restaurant puts out some fun and playful dishes that are available only on Mondays and Tuesdays. I enjoy setups like this where the chefs are actually cooking and there's no mistake who's preparing your food. It's like hanging out at a friends house. Don't expect the food to come out lightning fast like in an assembly line style full service resto. Everything is made to order and that fucking rocks. I stopped by for a quick bite to pad my pouch before a night out of heavy boozing... Grub time!

Cute menu with an assortment of small dishes... Mix and match. You can't go wrong here.

Hot Somen. Corn soup, salted uni, arugula. Cute idea but the execution did not meet up to expectation. It needed more uni flavor and the arugula dominated the other subtle flavors... Hell, add some dashi to it and that would enhance it instantly. I still wished they had used more uni.

Okonomi-Yaki. Octopi, cabbages, kewpie, "happy brown sauce", bonito flake, nori, pancake. This ain't a small dish... There's a lot going in there. The bonito flakes give it that creepy animation like it's still alive. Cool. The use of semi-dried octopi tasted more like squid but it was close enough. It's a cute snack, a definite gut filler and booze absorber.

Pig Cold Ramen with Duck Egg. Pork tail soup, pork cheeks, roasted cherry tomato, cucumber, sweet onion, scallion, yuzu. A cute play off the Korean cold noodle... It works better in the summer heat when God isn't taking a long ass beer piss all over us for the last month. But this was still a refreshing bowl of noodle soup even at night. The pork cheeks were a bit salty and crispy and offset the rest of the ingredients in the bowl wonderfully. PS- get the duck egg instead of the chicken egg... But a salted duck egg woulda worked even better.

Y'all gotta stop by here at least once if you want to be a hipster and experience what the dynamic duo can whip up in this tiny kitchen... A dish or two may surprise you and keep you coming back for more.

Almost forgot the most important thing... It's BYOB. Hipsters love that and so will you.


1660 McLendon Ave NE
Atlanta, GA 30307
(404) 371-0889

King+Duke

Toto, I've a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore... That's right you hairy little rat, you're in Cougartown. If you're a middle-aged woman and want free shit, don't Yelp, go hang out at the patio bar. Fuck me, it's like Magic Johnson's harem but they're worn out a lot more. There is no lack of gold diggers or loose skin here... I kinda liked it. Let's face it, shallowness and pretentiousness thrives here... It's the heart of Buckhead. This guy at the next table 2 feet away was still in his workout clothes admiring his adonis physique and he was showing brain with those Richard Simmons short shorts he had on. C'mon, Vanity Smurf, why don't you just wear a leaf. It makes chewing diver scallops a tad disturbing with that fleshy visual. The space has been transformed into a cool space. It's a nice looking joint and the outside dining area comes with a convenient patio bar. The inside with the open kitchen area let's diners take a peek at the colonial cooking in action. Yes, it's a gimmick but can they actually put out decent tasting grubbery?

Mini Popovers. Not exactly the same as BLT's amazing specimens. These mini version were ok. But most of the table didn't even touched them except yours truly, the fat turd of the table.

Charred Octopus Salad. This dish was a tough one to order here knowing how awful the one at the Optimist was... But surprisingly, this version was tender and quite tasty with the delicate char.

Bacon and Peach. It's bacon... Thick cut, too. How can I pitch a fit about this. The tiny piece of peach was pretty tasty that makes you wish there were more of it. It would be ok if a chipmunk ordered it. That's the problem with this place, they either did it on purpose or they were just cheap.

Pot of Soft Polenta. hearth roasted, mushrooms, duck jus. Just a nice comforting and flavorful dish that you will want to keep eating and eating.

Scallops and Endives. This restaurant group always have a problem with cooking scallops in all their restaurants... Either it's burnt and overcooked or no color and undercooked. These were acceptable, one of them were undercooked but not too bad overall.

Roast Pekin Duck. crispy leg & spit roasted breast, red mustard greens, plums. This was the real winner on this visit. Generous amount of duck and spot-on on the execution... Could render some more of the fat on the skin but I still ate the shit outta it. Good dish, a keeper.

Grilled Eggplant. preserved tomato, pine nuts and mint. Not too shabby. I would order it again.

Mushroom “Wood Roast”, robiola. I love shrooms and this dish didn't disappoint. Mushrooms does well with that open hearth cooking. Smoky, earthy and fungusy.

I didn't expect too much going into this place not to get my hopes up but I was pleasantly surprised that most of the dishes worked out well with this cooking technique. The menu is pretty good but the cocktail menu was not interesting at all... So, just order a cocktail that you know like an Old Fashioned or Sazerac, they do have an extensive list of booze, though. This place is a scene and most of the people here could care less about the food... But would that keep me from coming back? Nope. The food is promising and the narcissism is entertaining. I would like to see more adventurous dishes on the menu in the future... Like offal.

3060 Peachtree Rd Nw
Atlanta, GA 30305 

(404) 477-3500
http://www.kinganddukeatl.com/

BurgerFi

Lookie here, another burger joint... That's all this town needs is more fat fuckers like me. Webble and wobbling around in circles and going nowhere fast. I like burgers but this town is saturated with out-of-state franchises coming and going within a matter of months. This place is a little nicer than the other meatpackers around town. They actually thought about the design and layout, but yet it screams corporate made all over the place. That stupid secret menu which is a total In-N-Out Burger rip off is awful... Why would you print it on the menu if it's SECRET? Help me, lordy...

The test sampler. Burger, Chi-dawg and Cry & Fries. First thing that catches my eyeballs... The ginormous onion rings. I hate giant onion rings, you can't eat them without first cutting them into smaller pieces, this ain't no finger food. The fries were pretty good though. They have some concoction called a BurgerFi® sauce... It reminds me of that nasty Donkey Sauce shit made by that freak, Fieri. It's some mixture of mayo, sriracha, pickle juice and other funky junk, total diarrhea.

The marketing pictures of the burger looked quite impressive but when you see it in real life it's kinda disappointing like Tom Cruise isn't as tall as he looks in the movies. Burgers like this always have to have a gimmick... What was that dumpy burger joint that had air baked fries and oven-baked patties? Thank god I forgot the name because it sucked sacks of donkey balls. But the gimmick here is the branded buns with their name on it. Am I the only sane person that finds this fucking ridiculous? Shouldn't the brand be on the meat? Ok, whatever but how was the meat curtains? One word comes to mind: Bland. It had all the required checklist for a burger but at the end of the day it was just a really boring burger in the flavor department. Thank god, I got the Donkey Sauce on the side and not dumped in this mess already.

Chicago Style Dog. It looked halfway there until you lifted the sheets... It seemed like someone stuffed a M80 in a pig's dickhole and lit the fuse. Why was the hot dog split in half length wise and grilled? It was dry as shit like a hot dog that's been left on the grill for way too long. This ain't a Chicago Dog, it broke down somewhere between Atlanta and Chicago... Perhaps Alaska. The sport peppers, nuke green relish and poppy seed bun were the only highlight and the bun wasn't even steamed. But eating just those 3 items ain't much fun. I was hoping for a really nice Chi-dawg but all I got was some brokeback version.

This joint is glued together with bits and pieces of different concepts that their corporate headquarters deemed "cool" and "hip". Places like this are suspect when they focus more on gimmicks than what they serve to paying customers. Good luck to y'all but once is more than enough for a lifetime. I'm going to the General Muir for a real burger.

Emory Point

1520 Avenue Place

Suite B-140
Atlanta, GA 30329
(404) 665-4400
http://www.burgerfi.com/

One Eared Stag - Lunch Edition

I rarely eat lunch on the week days because I'm usually busting my ass making a living and working like a dog. But sometimes the Gods bless me with some time off so I can stuff my fat face. When I get a chance like this once in a blue moon, I ain't wasting it on shitty food. Where to go, where to go... Fuck me, the answer was there right under my muffin top. OES! Let's go take a quick bite and see what trust fund babies eat during lunch time.

Crab Gazpacho and Onion Rings. They make a tasty gazpacho and it's silky smooth going down your throat. The onion rings were crispy and just the right size, I hate places that does the giant rings that you can't even fit in your mouth and the hard crust cuts into your gums and shit... But I've seen some chicks gobble them up like pythons, they say it's all about throat control and jaw articulation.

Hot Cheekan. Nice presentation and the color of the chicken suggests it's spicy but it's a sheep in wolf's clothing. It was not as hot as it should be and the small thigh portion was kind of a bummer. Nashville doesn't mess around with portion vs price, it's twice the size and half the price. Overall, it does the job but after a few times of getting suckered into this dish by my pouch, I think I've had enough.

Poutine. I lurv me some poutine. But this version is a bit different, as it should be when you dine here. The "gravy and cheese" is thinly applied and has this vinegary hint to it... Don't know if I like it this way as much but I like the poached egg on top. I don't know if it does anything to enhance this dish but I would eat a poached egg if it was on top of a pile of steaming hot cow patties. I would.

What I like best about this place is that the menu is ever evolving, there's always something new to try. While it does it's best with experimentation, sometimes these science projects blow up in there face. So, read the menu carefully before you order, it might not be what you expected... But for me, I'll eat anything here because the shit is good.

Burp.

1029 Edgewood Ave.
Atlanta, GA 30307
404-525-4479
http://www.oneearedstag.com/

Pouch Town

Look, I'm not a skinny human being. There's no hiding the fact. I'm just a disgusting slob. Must consume in mass quantities... Craving shredded swine flesh, fried embryos, beer and Tang. Let's see what other consumables I can find. Mepps!


Sapori di Napoli.
Haven't been back in bit... C'mon, it's in Dickhater, bro. Looks like they are still in business. A good sign. Let's see if they still have it.

Margherita. Even when they were about close for the night, the 'ZA came out looking pretty boss. The crust was very good, cooked through nicely, a little chewy and even char on the bottom with little blisters on the crust. The San Marzano sauce was just the right amount of sweetness, some will say it needs to be sweeter, I say fuck off and go back to California Pizza Kitchen for your BBQ chicken pizzhit. The bufala mozza was creamy and had the right pull. Basil in the center like where it should be, finished this beautiful piece of ass off... Then I did. Pump pump squirt.

Cannolis. Pretty sunset photo and pretty damn tasty... And I don't even like dessert crap. This joint got their shit down, now. Umm, Antico who?


Satto Thai & Sushi.
Let's face it, Spoon blew. I have no clue if this is a rebrand or some green schmuck thinking he will corner the Thai grub market in this dump of the woods. Either way, I'm still gonna try it and flog them or fellatio them.

They have this combo deal that I couldn't resist... It's like a Denny's Sampler. You get sushi, soup or salad and an entree for like $17. WTF?! For reals? The sooshee was ok, run of the mill shit, but it was decent enough for me to hold it down and not give it the 2 finga diet in the pisser. I gave the Cali rolls to the fat cracker at the next table, fucker almost bit my fingers off. Keep Calm and tuck your muffin top back in, bro.

For the entrees, I got a green curry and a pad thai. Shit was decent in an edible kind of way. Let's say the food didn't smell like pig vomit. Of course the green curry wasn't Thai hot as requested but what place in this town can do it right anyways... Pad thai had all the proper accoutrements in said dish.


Tostones Latin Cafe.
It was ok the first couple times here. Nothing mind blowing or craveworthy enough... Maybe for a gringo, though. I was craving a Cubano and was in the area, fuck it, let's see what they up to since they're still in business. Started off with an empanada, lovely crispy dough on outside but mince meat on the inside. The special house salsas and hot sauce didn't revive this critter.

Paisasita. Their version of the garbage plate. Thank Hay-sous, only got the small version because it was just ok. Tough meats and over fried pork belly... You say how can that be? Oh, it can be.

Cuban. Still a decent Cubano if in a pinch but when they forget ingredients such as something as simple as pickles, it depresses me... It depresses me even more when I ask for pickles and they look at me like I making a stupid cum face that only a couple dozen chicks had the pleasure to see. Just get me my friggin pickles, Javier... This is no country for old men who can't get me pickles on the fly. Don't play with my emotions, I got a cattle gun in my pocket.


678 Korean BBQ.
Thank God, that pig with the fluffy pants, PSY, was an one hit wonder because no one can stand him unless you just got off a boat somewhere... But when I walked in here, images of that MC Heffer filled my pouch. That could be a good thing... Fill my belly with some delicious swine, pweez. Hope that shit ain't horsemeat, I ain't Eyetalian.

Hot charcoals. Egg mixture on the left side and garlic and kimchi around the other. Lookin' good, Billy Ray.

Quality and selection of meats and ban chan were pretty good all around. Feelin' good, Louis. Fun place to nosh if you have friends... I don't have any, so, I guess I won't be coming back. Han Il Kwan still kicks ass.


Ringside Franks + Shakes.
I never thought this place would last this long but with quality hot dogs, decent prices and other tasty morsels keeps this place humming. Good for them. 

Beef dog and onion rings. I like the hot dogs here, they're pretty girthy and worthy. Onion rings were pretty damn tasty.

Tried their hamburger... Eh, it was pretty much standard issue patty et al. Stick with the dogs and shakes, they're your best bet.


Sushi Itto.
I come here every few moons for a quick bite. It's not bad for some slutty Chinese sooshee. A lot of college kids on dates come here trying to be like grown ups with their daddy's credit card... Reminds me of the Ansley Ru San's except sans sake bombs.

Fall in Love. Fried cheekan nuggets... Too bad they were frozen from a plastic bag. Looks kinda like what my dog pinches out after a big bowl of Alpo. Not worth it.

Shrimp + Veggie Tempura. Veggies were fresh but the shrimp were from a plastic bag... But for the price, they were worth it.

Sushi Combo. Still the best deal around for decent run of the mill sushi. I love that they include a spider roll in this combo... Yes, I'm a sucka for any spider roll.


Martin's BBQ.
Located in nowhere Bumblefuck, USA... AKA Warner Robins, lies a stand alone BBQ joint on the wrong side of the tracks. It has all the correct propaganda for a real kickass BBQ joint. Time to nut up or fuck off.

Hope they spend more time on the 'que than on this mural on the side of the building.

Pulled Pork and Brisket. The brisket looks decent enough, maybe even borderline good... Yeah, not bad at all, it's got the bark, the smoke ring and kinda tender in the middle. I liked it.. But the pulled pork was absolute garbage. What did they pull the pork with... A wood planer? Their house made BBQ and hot sauces were trash. The slice of white bread didn't stand a chance.


MESA Grill, Bahamas.
Yeah, I went to a Bobby Flay resto. The biggest hooded dick to cook with when I was cooking back in the days. But when you're in the Bahamas you have to go all touristy and see what the fuss is about.

Oooo, look at the purdy colors. Flush.

Spicy Tuna Tartare. Avocado relish tostada. Nothing really special... Just tuna with a little kick of spice. Three chips really doesn't cut it.

Blue Corn Panacake. Barbecued Duck, Scotch Bonnet Chile + Star Anise Sauce. Sounds fancy pants but the portion was a joke. Look at the picture and you tell me. There's a lot of empty real estate there. As for taste, it was ok. Not very memorable.

Sophie's Chopped Salad. Yes, salad. Chopped. Next.

Smoked Chicken + Black Bean Quesdilla. Avocado + Toasted Garlic Creme Fraiche. This wasn't half bad. Looked like a giant pretzel with smegma all over it.

Shrimp + Grouper Ceviche. Serrano Chiles, Tomatoes, Mango + Plantain Crisps. This is some special ceviche. Special Ed ceviche. No one wins even if you finish it.

Twin Brothers.
If you're in the Bahamas, you have to eat here. Period. Conch, conch and mo' conch.

 The smile says it all.

Conch Fritters. No substitute anywhere... Ever.

 Conch Salad. Damn.

Scorch Conch. God fucking damn. Shit's still moving it's that fwesh.

 Cracked Conch. Pump pump... Fuck me silly and call me Sally.

Cracked Lobster. Squirt... So friggin good.

Conch Burger. Burger doesn't translate well in Bahamian. It's just fried cracked conch on a bun. Still good as shit... Minus the bun.


When I get back to civilization there will be more gastrointestinal hijinx to be shared. Now screw off, you Oompa Loompas.