Pouch Town

Look, I'm not a skinny human being. There's no hiding the fact. I'm just a disgusting slob. Must consume in mass quantities... Craving shredded swine flesh, fried embryos, beer and Tang. Let's see what other consumables I can find. Mepps!


Sapori di Napoli.
Haven't been back in bit... C'mon, it's in Dickhater, bro. Looks like they are still in business. A good sign. Let's see if they still have it.

Margherita. Even when they were about close for the night, the 'ZA came out looking pretty boss. The crust was very good, cooked through nicely, a little chewy and even char on the bottom with little blisters on the crust. The San Marzano sauce was just the right amount of sweetness, some will say it needs to be sweeter, I say fuck off and go back to California Pizza Kitchen for your BBQ chicken pizzhit. The bufala mozza was creamy and had the right pull. Basil in the center like where it should be, finished this beautiful piece of ass off... Then I did. Pump pump squirt.

Cannolis. Pretty sunset photo and pretty damn tasty... And I don't even like dessert crap. This joint got their shit down, now. Umm, Antico who?


Satto Thai & Sushi.
Let's face it, Spoon blew. I have no clue if this is a rebrand or some green schmuck thinking he will corner the Thai grub market in this dump of the woods. Either way, I'm still gonna try it and flog them or fellatio them.

They have this combo deal that I couldn't resist... It's like a Denny's Sampler. You get sushi, soup or salad and an entree for like $17. WTF?! For reals? The sooshee was ok, run of the mill shit, but it was decent enough for me to hold it down and not give it the 2 finga diet in the pisser. I gave the Cali rolls to the fat cracker at the next table, fucker almost bit my fingers off. Keep Calm and tuck your muffin top back in, bro.

For the entrees, I got a green curry and a pad thai. Shit was decent in an edible kind of way. Let's say the food didn't smell like pig vomit. Of course the green curry wasn't Thai hot as requested but what place in this town can do it right anyways... Pad thai had all the proper accoutrements in said dish.


Tostones Latin Cafe.
It was ok the first couple times here. Nothing mind blowing or craveworthy enough... Maybe for a gringo, though. I was craving a Cubano and was in the area, fuck it, let's see what they up to since they're still in business. Started off with an empanada, lovely crispy dough on outside but mince meat on the inside. The special house salsas and hot sauce didn't revive this critter.

Paisasita. Their version of the garbage plate. Thank Hay-sous, only got the small version because it was just ok. Tough meats and over fried pork belly... You say how can that be? Oh, it can be.

Cuban. Still a decent Cubano if in a pinch but when they forget ingredients such as something as simple as pickles, it depresses me... It depresses me even more when I ask for pickles and they look at me like I making a stupid cum face that only a couple dozen chicks had the pleasure to see. Just get me my friggin pickles, Javier... This is no country for old men who can't get me pickles on the fly. Don't play with my emotions, I got a cattle gun in my pocket.


678 Korean BBQ.
Thank God, that pig with the fluffy pants, PSY, was an one hit wonder because no one can stand him unless you just got off a boat somewhere... But when I walked in here, images of that MC Heffer filled my pouch. That could be a good thing... Fill my belly with some delicious swine, pweez. Hope that shit ain't horsemeat, I ain't Eyetalian.

Hot charcoals. Egg mixture on the left side and garlic and kimchi around the other. Lookin' good, Billy Ray.

Quality and selection of meats and ban chan were pretty good all around. Feelin' good, Louis. Fun place to nosh if you have friends... I don't have any, so, I guess I won't be coming back. Han Il Kwan still kicks ass.


Ringside Franks + Shakes.
I never thought this place would last this long but with quality hot dogs, decent prices and other tasty morsels keeps this place humming. Good for them. 

Beef dog and onion rings. I like the hot dogs here, they're pretty girthy and worthy. Onion rings were pretty damn tasty.

Tried their hamburger... Eh, it was pretty much standard issue patty et al. Stick with the dogs and shakes, they're your best bet.


Sushi Itto.
I come here every few moons for a quick bite. It's not bad for some slutty Chinese sooshee. A lot of college kids on dates come here trying to be like grown ups with their daddy's credit card... Reminds me of the Ansley Ru San's except sans sake bombs.

Fall in Love. Fried cheekan nuggets... Too bad they were frozen from a plastic bag. Looks kinda like what my dog pinches out after a big bowl of Alpo. Not worth it.

Shrimp + Veggie Tempura. Veggies were fresh but the shrimp were from a plastic bag... But for the price, they were worth it.

Sushi Combo. Still the best deal around for decent run of the mill sushi. I love that they include a spider roll in this combo... Yes, I'm a sucka for any spider roll.


Martin's BBQ.
Located in nowhere Bumblefuck, USA... AKA Warner Robins, lies a stand alone BBQ joint on the wrong side of the tracks. It has all the correct propaganda for a real kickass BBQ joint. Time to nut up or fuck off.

Hope they spend more time on the 'que than on this mural on the side of the building.

Pulled Pork and Brisket. The brisket looks decent enough, maybe even borderline good... Yeah, not bad at all, it's got the bark, the smoke ring and kinda tender in the middle. I liked it.. But the pulled pork was absolute garbage. What did they pull the pork with... A wood planer? Their house made BBQ and hot sauces were trash. The slice of white bread didn't stand a chance.


MESA Grill, Bahamas.
Yeah, I went to a Bobby Flay resto. The biggest hooded dick to cook with when I was cooking back in the days. But when you're in the Bahamas you have to go all touristy and see what the fuss is about.

Oooo, look at the purdy colors. Flush.

Spicy Tuna Tartare. Avocado relish tostada. Nothing really special... Just tuna with a little kick of spice. Three chips really doesn't cut it.

Blue Corn Panacake. Barbecued Duck, Scotch Bonnet Chile + Star Anise Sauce. Sounds fancy pants but the portion was a joke. Look at the picture and you tell me. There's a lot of empty real estate there. As for taste, it was ok. Not very memorable.

Sophie's Chopped Salad. Yes, salad. Chopped. Next.

Smoked Chicken + Black Bean Quesdilla. Avocado + Toasted Garlic Creme Fraiche. This wasn't half bad. Looked like a giant pretzel with smegma all over it.

Shrimp + Grouper Ceviche. Serrano Chiles, Tomatoes, Mango + Plantain Crisps. This is some special ceviche. Special Ed ceviche. No one wins even if you finish it.

Twin Brothers.
If you're in the Bahamas, you have to eat here. Period. Conch, conch and mo' conch.

 The smile says it all.

Conch Fritters. No substitute anywhere... Ever.

 Conch Salad. Damn.

Scorch Conch. God fucking damn. Shit's still moving it's that fwesh.

 Cracked Conch. Pump pump... Fuck me silly and call me Sally.

Cracked Lobster. Squirt... So friggin good.

Conch Burger. Burger doesn't translate well in Bahamian. It's just fried cracked conch on a bun. Still good as shit... Minus the bun.


When I get back to civilization there will be more gastrointestinal hijinx to be shared. Now screw off, you Oompa Loompas.