Just Loaf'N - Soft Shell Crab Po'Boy

I got crabs! That's not exactly what young milky white debutantes wanna hear when you ask them out on virtual dates during these COVID days... But once, they put these creole crabs in their faceholes, they will be smacking their dried cracked lips like a trailer park methed out chickenhead. Look, dating online is a numbers game and the pickings are slim these days... Y'all can prolly imagine what these desperate floozies look like in quarantine for the past year... Woof. Luckily, Just Loaf'N has always been a reliable temptress to satisfy my quick fix. They have one of the best soft shell crab po'boys in this one horse town, if not the best... They give you two whole crabs and a side for about $15.

Take a gander at this sexy hoochie from the Chattahoochee... Inhaled it within 5 minzies... That's usually how long I last anyways. 

Pump pump... Squirt.

Ford's BBQ

This fat fuck is not just a glutton... But also a glutton for punishment. After that dismal display of dried out manchunks at Taylor'd BBQ which almost made me upchuck, I thought about taking a sabbatical from BBQ joints for awhile... Oh, c'mon, who the fuck does this porker think he is... Gandhi? The word Fasting does not mean not eating for a long period of time... Fasting in this slob's vocabulary means sending as much food over to my snout as Fast as possible. It's kinda like fisting but instead, I'm thrusting food repeatedly in and out my pouch and sometimes it gets ugly like the fat broads that wants a double order, animal style.

I did not wait more than a week to try this new BBQ joint that opened early December on Main Street in Tucker. It's from the same owners as Local No. 7 across the street and they also own Stratford Pub and Matador Cantina... Yeah, yeah, whatever on the latter two. Local No. 7 is exactly what it's named after.. There's usually 7 locals in the joint every night and you don't want to take any of them skanks home no matter how shitfaced you are with 3 pairs of beer goggles on... You may wake up gender neutral. And in my case, I need all the manhood I can get. Speaking of manhood... 

Let's see if their manmeat is worthy of some food porn or just 6 feet under with Larry Flint... 

Chicharrones, house made spiced pork rinds, $5. They said it was made to order... We'll see about that. It took awhile but it did come out still somewhat crackling and popping. Nice little crunchy skins to snack on while I wait for the meats.

2 Meat Combo Plate, Sliced Brisket, St. Louis Ribs, Brunswick Stew, Creamed Corn, $19. Thank god, I got my order in ASAP because 15 minzies later they were out of the brisket... I woulda walked out and came back another time if they ran out of brisket. But take a look at this spread... Doesn't look like much but the color was totally acceptable. Let's take a look at the sides first... The creamed corn looked like it was influenced by the popular elote. Every motherfucker in town is doing the "elote" style creamed corn these days.. Not that there is anything wrong with that. But if they start doing the fucking birria tacos... I'm gonna shit. Literally... Because those gimmicky birria tacos are wet, soggy, moist flaps of useless meat trimmings that goes right through your system that would even make Taco Bell blush. The creamed corn was flavorful and totally acceptable but not crave-worthy enough to get a double order. The Brunswick stew had good consistency, not runny at all but it was missing the all important lima beans. But overall, still pretty tasty to warrant another order or two in the future. 

But enough talk of the side pieces... They all get old and tiresome after a couple bites... Let's get to the man-teins...

St. Louis Ribs. Oh, my... Excuse me, Peter North, how much for just one rib? These ribs looked pretty girthy... I just got the shivers down my spine like the first time I was tricked into walking into the Eagle...Ooooh. Wait, did I say my "first" time... Nevermind. Strap these two brutes in black leather and they would sell out every night in there. These ain't no skinny ribs... They were very meaty and juicy. I wished they had more rub on there for more bark, but the rosy smoke ring more than made up for it. Don't expect them to be fall off the bone tender because it would take a lot more time in the smoker to do that. I like a little pull to meaty ribs. Not too shabby at all... I would get them again and hopefully, they will get even better with time.

Sliced Brisket. Woof.. Reminds me of a floozy I dated for 7 1/2 hours back in the late 1900's. She had been around the block a few times.. Around the Chelsea Hotel... She was a lot of woman and had no issues with making $14 the hard way. But she was as dericious as this meat flap... I would go downtown on this on a bi-weekly basis. The good thing about this place is that sliced brisket is the default setting here... Because many-a-moons I forget to ask for sliced and end up disappointed with chopped up trimmings of mystery proteins with some fat blobs tossed in to make it look like it was all brisket with the fat cap. The smoke ring was spot-on like with the ribs, but it also needed more dry rub for a better bark. But these were competition worthy compared to the blocks of saw dust brisket served at Taylor'd BBQ. 

The initial first visit was a promising one and I will be going back to see how their BBQ skills have improved over time... Because girls only want boyfriends who have great skills.

2337 Main St.

Tucker, GA 30084

https://www.fords-bbq.com/menu

Taylor'd Bar-B-Q

Avondale Estates has been pretty much the ignored and unloved red-headed stepchild when compared to the number one son, Decatur... AE has never been much to look at but the area has been quietly building new developments like crazy and the prices have been creeping up steadily. The people in the know are secretly buying up property there... And when the real estate prices start to rise in a depressed area, businesses are going to notice and make a move. For example, a pho joint would be the last thing you would think of opening around these parts but Vietvana has been doing brisk business since they opened. Due to demand and the need to self medicate this entire year, the handful of breweries have reopened with enough space inside and out to safely operate and the community seems to be much happier. And more recently, a newish BBQ joint has quietly and finally opened after a 2 year build out and started serving in late July in an old remodeled convenient store. I have been keeping tabs on this joint as have many others waiting to see if the manmeats will be a worthy addition to the competitive BBQ scene in this town. From the reports and pictures I have read and seen, it looked like the BBQ needed a little more time to be ready for prime time. So, after 3 months of waiting and giving them extra time to work out the opening kinks, I thought it's about time to see what the fuss was about this place. I checked out their website and it looks like their online ordering process is up and running... But I prefer to order in person just in case there are specials... Oh, and there were, they were pushing the brisket eggrolls, hard. 

Let's go take a first look...

Chopped Beef Brisket Plate, Brunswick Stew, Jambalaya Que, White Bread, Lingering Ghost Pepper Sauce, $15. When I opened the box and looked in, I was like, is this all there is? It looked kinda chintzy and I was starting to get upset.. Then I took a breath and said, no no no, Pouch, be nice. I'm doing this to support small businesses and to report back to my one reader. It's BBQ, how bad can it be? Famous last words... Let's check out the sides first. The Brunswick stew was acceptable but the lack of lima beans was noticeable. The Jambalaya que was just a mushy mess, if you closed your eyes it would be similar to mushy peas. Both were just a flash in the pan and put to the side. 

Let's take a closer look at the manmeat... Hold on, let me get my bifocals on because it looks a little dry... I asked for sliced but somehow they haven't had sliced brisket for awhile, only available in big cubes. I then asked how long would the wait be if I wanted sliced brisket... They said they don't have any brisket that can be sliced... I'm like what. da. fuk. yo. Tell-tale sign that the smoked meats were not being served the same day. Most likely they were keeping inventory from the day before or longer to serve today.

Jesus, a blind man can see this desert mirage... It's like seeing a chick from afar that you think is good looking, but the closer it gets, it's far from good. The closer I inspected this specimen the more it looked like the surface on Mars... It was dry and reddish looking. I poked it with a fork and it was like a rubber sole, it had no give. It's no secret what this was gonna chew and taste like... It brought back memories of my papaw's old leather belt that he used to beat me with. I tried to eat 2 pieces drowning in the very weak lingering ghost pepper sauce to get it down but in the end I got the horns messing with this bull... Shit. The only thing that was lingering in this entire thing was regret. Maybe I can use the rest of it as a mother for a beef stew.

Pulled Pork, Mac & Cheese, Pickle Vinegar Slaw, White Bread, Sweet BBQ Sauce, $13. What is that... Sun dried dreadlocks? Holy shit, that pulled pork looked like it was cured in a salt crust. Wait, did I order pork jerky... Is it on the menu? I think we need to let the pork breathe a little... But in the mean time let's sample the sides. The mac should be called mac & mac because it was chalky, flavorless and cheeseless. It was all stuck together, no ooze, no pull, no crispy bits... They should have a sign out front for this like the no shirt, no shoes, no service. The pickle vinegar slaw... Well, if pouring diluted vinegar on top of shredded cabbage to order constitute as being pickled, then more power to them. Let's get back to the Bob Marley jerk pork...

Oh, boy, look at that exhibit... All I could hear in the back of my pea brain was... Said I remember when we used to eat, in the parking lot of Heirloom... So dry your tears I say, and no Pouch, no cry. I sampled a piece that looked the most tender and it was like Clark chewing on that turkey in Christmas Vacation. Cousin Eddie, I think I found the neck you wanted... Wait, it might be the heart. This was unbelievable, both proteins, two of the most celebrated staples of the BBQ standard was utterly disappointing. How could they serve this compacted saw dust in the shape of beef and pork with a straight face is beyond me... Isn't the number rule of cooking is to always taste taste taste? 

I didn't want to waste the meat that I paid for, so, I thought about what I could do with them... I ended chopping them up into smaller pieces soaking them in a broth for a bit and then making flied lice with it... And it tasted fucking great.  

I will probably never go back after this dismal display but I do hope they get their shit together and wish them the best of luck. I would prefer them to have a smaller inventory of freshly smoked meats and running out early than to have an abundance of days old meats held in inventory.

2759 E College Avenue

Decatur, GA 30030

http://www.taylordbarbq.com/

Subway

I have made some very poor life decisions in my life. Everyday, I ask myself where did I go wrong in life... And why am I so fat. I think it all started when I picked the wrong family as a tiny Pouch... They weren't rich. That's where I made the initial life changing wrong turn. And I have been choosing the road less traveled ever since... Forty miles of bad road, bad ideas and even badder decisions. For example... One of my latest and greatest regrettable and forgettable life choices... Subway. Oh, this wasn't a conscious thought, it was one made by the almighty brown juice gods... Bourbon and Rye. Fridays are usually shit days, well, all my days are full of shit but Fridays are usually the shittiest... Once, I get home, I start making cocktails and I don't stop until the Pouch starts growling and complaining. I'm like STFU, bro, I'm feeding you liquid gold, err, brown juice... Stop bitching, there's starving and sober kids in Chiiin-nah. Let's face it, it's better to be drunk and unconscious than sober with a full belly of dogmeat. But of course, I give in instantly and must feed the Pouch. I needed something quick and cheap to shut this motherfucker up, STAT... So, I can continue to imbibe without the marsupial nagging me every 2 minzies. I see a pile of junk mail sitting on the corner of the table and I go through it to see if there's any food coupons for guidance... Fuck me, all the usual fast food suspects. Then I see a bright green Subway BOGO coupon and I'm like, hey, this looks kinda healthy... Famous fucking last words, Pouch...

I haven't been to a Subway in over two decades, so, I had to google map the closest dumpy Subway station and just my luck it is run by an Indian family that barely spoke Engrish... Ooohhh, this is gonna be an adventure... Maybe I'll get lucky with a dericious chicken 65 sub. The last time I remembered, you kinda have to make your own sub at this dump and you actually have to communicate with them... It ain't like running into a Shell gas station and picking up a scratch off ticket by pointing my sausage finger at it. Wait, why the fuck not? Just pretend like you're at Willy's and point away at the assembly line of fillers. So, the only Subway that was opened from this Covid shitshow was hidden in this dark side strip mall off Dekalb Industrial Way... Yeah yeah, I know what y'all are fucking thinking... Have you no shame? Duh, what do you think... Eh, fuck it, let's just get this over with...

Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki Sandwich stuffed with teriyaki glazed chicken strips with our own fat-free sweet onion sauce. Fuck me, take a gander at the congealed hunks of cameltoe meat stuffed inside a supposedly 9-grain wheat bread that looked like it was pulled out from a hyena's sphincter... Laughing hysterically at me while I take the first bite... That's all I need, an audience to watch me projectile vomit from this rancid meat. I gotta admit, the veggies were bright and vibrant, though. But every single bite was mushy and squishy... Like chewing on a giant spitball with a few No.2 eraser nubs thrown in.

Italian B.M.T. Sandwich, Genoa salami, spicy pepperoni, Black Forest ham. Big. Meaty. Tasty... Holy shit, I thought BMT was some new Antifa sandwich made to appease them so they don't burn their fucking stores down... Wait, on second thought that doesn't sound like a bad idea... So, I assume this is their version of the Eyetalian sub. Jesus, look at that bread... Did it just come off the props table from a midget porn set? The Italian herbs & cheese bread looked kinda crusty and not in the fresh from the oven baguette sense... Crusty like a soiled 2 week old mamaw bloomers sense. I think it's the herbs and cheese aroma that brings back those precious memories from the days of yore when mamaw made me do her dirty laundry... Come to think of it, if you tilt your head slightly to the right that meatflap sub kinda looks like her... Nahhh, nevermind. Get your head outta da gutta, Pouch. The cold cuts and veggies were acceptable in the most generic sense but the Subway breads that they claim to be baked in house always taste so manufactured and artificial.

When I went to pay out, I gave them the BOGO coupon and they gave me another life surprise... They said they don't accept Subway coupons at a Subway, imagine the irony. It's no surprise why I haven't been back in double digit years and this revisit only helped reinforced exactly why I never returned... But the brown juice can make the Pouch do inexplicable things and it will have to face the consequences of such drunken ill-advised actions. Welp, looks like I took another wrong turn in my 600-lb life and will be crying myself to sleep once again... The culinary lengths I will go for my one fan. Hey, what's that old adage, again... That which does not kill us, makes us puke stronger into the toilet. And I paid full price to flush it all down the drain.

Flush.

Taichi Bubble Tea

What the fuck is Brighten Park... Is it the sister band to Linkin Park? Does anyone really it call it Brighten Park... But in the end, it doesn't even matter. To me it's still the goddamn Loehmann's Plaza even though Loehmann's has been shuttered many many moons ago and now, it haunts a Lidl. This strip mall has gone through a change for the times. New facade, shops and restaurants are popping up in this once dead mall. The biggest surprise is that EAT-alone-no is still open, there must be a lot of lonely losers eating alone in here. But the newest addition is another ubiquitous ramen joint that has gone viral across the metro Atlanta landscape faster than the VID. It's almost as common as the crappy pizzeria and slutty Chino hole in the walls that are found in every shithole town across 'Murica. Don't get me wrong, they are a vital service, may even be considered essential businesses, to the masses... Their slop is some of the best hangover grub to be had to absorb all the toxic shit you inhaled the night before. 

Remember, when the plebes were hyping up Pao Pao Ramen Factory over at Toco Hills and it turned out to be a total dud... Well, the same slobs are not cheerleadering this new ramen joint with the same fervor. Now, it's the Pouch's chance to check it out before the Yelptards surround this joint like a cancer. Shit, it turns out there was no reason to bumrush this place... It was deader than Keith Richards... Oh, wait, he's not dead yet, how the fuck is that blimey bloke not dead yet? It's absolutely baffling... What's more baffling is that no one has even heard of this ramen and poke chain. I see on their horrendous website that they are sprinkled throughout the east coast. A few locations in Rochester and Buffalo. A couple in Chicago and Chattanooga, another in a shithole town in Maryland and Michigan, and then a new one in Atlanta, naturally. I'm not sick of quality ramen by any means, but poke has been a joke since the first poke dump opened in this one horse town. Let's face it, poke anywhere outside of Hawaii is total garbage. Another FOC that has been appropriated by some clueless roundeyes... Wait, what's FOC you ask? Well, it's Food Of Color, of course... Cuisine by people of color. Poke found state side is basically a fucking low rent sushi bowl, a sort of faux chirashi. And now, I have to get one, the challenge has been accepted.

I think we all know how this story is gonna end... So, let's just get it over with. What's that? Why does the Pouch torture itself when it knows it's gonna be shit food? Because I made a promise to my one reader to report all that's fit to eat and puke. Let's go, weeee!

Cosplay size bubble tea display out front is always a good sign that it will taste like plastic.

Matcha Red Bean Milk Tea, $3.75 small. Pleasantly surprised that they offered red bean instead of the generic tapioca pearls. The dull green slime color was a tell-tale giveaway that it will have that artificial powder taste. Sure enough, it was watery and flavorless... But the red bean was acceptable. Maybe some of their other ultra sweet HFCS teas will be better just like at Starbucks... But I ain't gonna find out because I ain't paying money for me to be disappointed and then crying myself to sleep, again.

Tonkotsu Ramen, pork, pork bone broth, $12.99. Oh fuck, look at that will y'all... Absolutely no finesse in plating this crap in a bowl. Shit, did it come out of a slushie machine? I hope there's whiskey and coke in there. Ok, let's taste the "tonkotsu" pork bone broth... Slurp slurp... Eh, no collagen, while it looked creamy there was not much flavor in this watery version. Did Sandra Lee make this because it tasted like semi-homemade... No wonder Fredo, errr, Andrew Cuomo dumped that old washed up hag. The ramen noodle themselves were overcooked, soggy and tasted like Chinese egg noodles instead of the springy wheat noodles that is expected in a proper bowl of ramen. The chashu was all trimmings, all fat and no belly meat. The couple slices of fish cakes and menma were standard store bought issued. The soy egg was spot on... Seriously, how can they do the egg so right but the rest of the ramen so wrong. I could overlook the sad solid ingredients but the tonkotsu broth was so underwhelming and forgettable that it rendered the entire bowl a fugazi... And I ain't talking about the 80's punk band. I'm a patient boy, I wait, I wait, I wait, I wait for my bowl of ramen to arrive... My time is like water down a drain like where this bowl of horse piss is ending in. 

POKEmazing, lettuce, spicy tuna, salmon, cucumber, cream cheese, avocado, edmame, corn, carrot, cherry tomato, "spciy" mayo, Thai sweet chilli, eel sauce, seaweed salad, fried garlic, $11.49. Holy shit, did a vegan just shit in a box and handed it to me for disposal? Seriously, what the fuck is that? The only thing that was recognizable was the wakame seaweed... Wait, should I be smoking it before eating this bucket of warm hamster vomit? Look at that white strip of cream cheese... Did it come out of a bubble gum tape container? I still couldn't figure out if I should be mixing this all together or did it do it by itself already? This shit tasted so bad... You couldn't identify anything with each bite, it was like eating a spoonful of raw sewage waste straight from the pipe. Maybe that strip of cream cheese was suppose to be toilet paper so you can wipe yourself afterwards. They should change the name of this to Pandora's Hairy Box... Because it looked and smelled like cursed old fish. Don't ask to smell my fingers... I will throw up on your lap dog.

It was so dead in here that even the employees were dying off with every passing minute in this poke purgatory.

COVID or not, I ain't ever gonna sugar coat anything but this franchise was so bland and forgettable that I don't see them lasting that long. You never want to see any place fail so miserably and unloved like a red-headed stepchild but you know it's bad when the Yelp page has more pictures from the business owner than the Yelpers themselves... How did it score 4 stars? Wait, it's Yelp, nevermind. There is literally a PR picture of a staff member drizzling romaine lettuce in the air like it was fromunda cheese. Wait, maybe that was a picture from EAT-alone-no next door.

Flush.

2484 Briarcliff Rd NE, #32

Atlanta, GA 30329

https://www.taichibubbletea.com/

Buena Gente Cuban Bakery

This little strip mall is becoming quite the little culinary hub. You got Ms. Icey's, Po'Boy Shop, Community Q, Mela Ethiopian Kitchen, Pyng Ho, Brew and Bird (how the fuck is this dump still alive?), and Hiro Ramen & Tea Bar is coming sooooon... It sounds like a food haven but this strip mall has also seen it's fair share of restaurant turnovers over the years. Many different concepts have come and gone, the one that I wished would have stuck around was Janet's Kitchen, one of the few Filipino restos to be had in this one horse town. Now, Mela took over that space.. Which I still have to try. Ethiopian cuisine saw some nice media coverage at the end of 2019 and coming into 2020 and then COVID hit... Which we all know what that shitshow did to the entire service industry. But that didn't stop all small business owners from opening up new concepts in a very challenging environment. 

Fine dining in this town is basically dead... Not that it was ever booming at any point in time in this city. French cuisine in Atlanta still pisses me off, passing off fake Fronch shit and billing it as authentic French cuisine and techniques like Lane Meyer's mom... Peru! Fuck, why the hell not? It's not like any of these mossbacks in da ATL would even know the difference between fromage and fromunda cheese. I can still remember like it was yesterday when Cafe Alsace in Decatur served me canned green beans as haricot verts many many moons ago, but it did say "French Style" on the can in the garbage... Then, naturally, I demanded for some French's Fried Onions to go with it, on the side of course, I'm a ballbuster, not a barbarian.

The entire year of 2020, so far, has been dominated by casual and comfort foods that have been doing takeout mostly. Come to think of it, I am kinda sick of fancy overpriced grub that I have been suckered into paying for over the decades. Just remember, most of the ingredients are nothing special, you're just paying for the people watching and ambiance of the place. This fat fuck has reduced itself to cooking a lot at home and also picking up takeout from local mom and pop shops. Hell, they need the community support more than the investors backed big name restos and I'm all down for that. Fast food joints have been loving this goat rodeo of a year... Chick-fil-A has seen a big surge in business. Popeyes ain't hurting, either, they are swamped every time I go there or drive by one. Bojangles and Zaxby's, both, seem to be doing about the same amount of business. Why are all the chains mentioned have something to do with cheekan, almighty marsupial? That's because the Pouch gives zero clucks about the other fast food dumps that does not specialize in fwied cheekan.   

A few small business owners with big cojones said, Fuck COVID! and decided to open projects they have been working on before the pandemic vs. closing them like most up and running ones. This Cuban food truck recently opened their brick and motar in the old Nectar space. It's small and cozy with a very simple operation. The opening weekend was a mad house with a line that stretched all the way down to Brew and Bird. All I wanted was a Cuban sando and this fat fuck was thinking.. "C'mon, it's Decatur. We zip in, we pick 'em up, we zip right out again... We're not going to Moscow." The Pouch musta been drinking cough syrup all morning if it thinks it can get in and get out quick. I looked at the line and said, fuck this noise... It's just a fucking sandwich. So, I went to PAB for their excellent $5 Cubano, instead. I went back to BGC after a few days and went early during a week day and it wasn't bad. Ordered my shit and waited outside for my to-go order. Got my shit and went home to check out the stash... Hope this shit was worth the hype...

Guava & Cream Cheese Pastelito and Beef Empanada. The pastelito was flaky, maybe too flaky, because it almost fell apart and disintegrated on the first bite... Who's the baker, Boba Fett? The guava and cream cheese filling was plentiful and not skimpy found at most other joints where they just stick it in and do a quick pump and squirt. The filling here reached all corners of the triangle. The beef empanada was also filled quite nicely, it had a nice amount of flavorful and seasoned ground beef. Both specimens were winners and the pricing was not too bad, either.

Medianoche, roasted mojo pork, bolo ham, swiss, pickles & mustard pressed on Cuban bread. I know, I know, why didn't the Pouch get the Cuban sando??? That's because I just had one from PAB. Plus, I was curious about the medianoche here. It's basically the Cuban with a softer egg dough bread, instead. The color of the bread looked great and the portion size was spot on. This sando looked promising at first glance... Let's see what's under the hood. 

Side view of the innards... Not too shabby. Nicely stuffed with the proper fillers. Took a bite and the bread didn't disappoint. It has a nice slight crunch on the outside and the soft savory meats on the inside. This was a pretty damn good sando. All the flavors were present and the swiss cheese had a melt and pull. The entire package was well made but the bread was the real winner here.

Pan con Lechon, roasted mojo pork and onions on Cuban bread. This looked interesting... It reminded me of an upscale Hot Pocket. Sometimes, you don't need more than 3 ingredients to be an amazing sando. Let's take a peek inside.

Side shot. Oh, yeah... Look at that crusty pressed bread and the manmeat filler with a sprinkling of minced onions that reminded me of the re-hydrated minced onions found in McDonald's burgers. There's just something addictive about them Mickey D's onions when I was growing up, I think they were laced with PCP or Angel dust back in the mid to late 1900's or the 70-80's to you millennials. This pork sando may look simple but it was packed with flavor... And I loved it with the crispy pressed Cuban bread.  

I like this place. It's doing it right and not dumbing it down for the gringos. The pricing and portions are pretty much spot on but if they go over $12 a sando, I will have to take it off my rotation... Because PAB still has the best $5 Cuban in this town. This is a definite addition to this tiny strip mall which is basically a food hall by any definition. The sandwich competition here is fierce.

Squirt.

1365 Clairmont Rd 

Decatur, GA 30033

https://www.buenagenteatl.com/

Spicy Chicken McNuggets

Rumor has it that the new promotional Spicy Chicken McNuggets supply is running dangerously low.. Rut Ruh.. Which only means this was another triple dog dare for the Pouch provoked by the Gods... I think I'm atheist, so, I have no clue which god was challenging me but I assume it's probably the sewer goddess, Cloacina... Since, the McRib season is not yet upon us, I guess I will have to accept this challenge. Fuck me, I can't even recall the last time I had a McNugget... I think it was in the late 1900's. These all "white meat" chicken nuggets with a crispy tempura batter tastes ok with the first two or three but then the rest starts to decompose rather quickly once they get cold... But science has proven that they don't mold (as with all McDonald's products) and still quite edible even after sitting around for years in a controlled environment. 

Ok, let's get to work... Let's see what their website say about the new Spicy McNuggets... 

"Breaded in a light and crispy batter that's boldly flavored with cayenne and chili peppers, these Spicy Chicken McNuggets deliver the heat along with the flavor you love. And for the flavor-thrill seekers, we proudly offer our new Mighty Hot Sauce."

Unfortunately, they were out of the Mighty Hot Sauce... But I heard it wasn't all that, kinda like all their HFCS dipping sauces. But you can't eat McNuggets alone and dry (like I usually do with all meals), you have to have some type of lubricant to wash it down your throat... The only people in the world that can eat these nuggets dry are porn stars. They keep telling me to relax the throat muscles but I kept gagging like a donkey trying to swallow a whole carrot. No wonder why they get paid the big bucks because they know how to fuck... I'm totally ok with just a couple of pumps and a squirt. But, anyways, I still asked them to throw in an assortment of sauces..

Fuck me... Why am I doing this to myself, again? Oh, yeah... I can't let my one fan down...

Time to compare and contrast the original to the new spicy McNuggets... Why did I get the goddamn 10 piece box, shoulda went with the 6 piece, instead... Oh, dear lord, please don't let me get IBS-D after eating this... Shit, who am I kidding.. That's like every time I eat. Thanks, Xifaxan, you did it again!

I'm pretty sure these weren't the golden rays of light coming out of Marsellus Wallace's briefcase when Vincent opened it up... The only Bad Mother Fucker here is the one that can keep these nuggets down. I can feel my pouch churning already... I shoulda took Lloyd Dobler's advice against anything processed... And yes, kickboxing is the sport of the future. My future is the toilet...

The Spicy- The color is more orangy (I think I see Trump's face on one of the nuggets) which I assume it's from the cayenne and chili pepper powder mixed into the batter/crust. Took a bite without any sauce and it does have a small hint on spice. I mean it's not spicy at all but you can tell their test kitchen was ordered by the higher ups to come up with a gimmick to compete with and try to capture some of the market share from the incredibly popular spicy chicken trend. The artificial taste and crunch of the "tempura" batter is unmistakable even after all these years... It still leaves the same after taste and film in your mouth. The white meat cheekan is so processed that it still looks and tastes like shredded soggy loose leaf paper. Look, the McNugget is great when you're drunk or high as fuck but when you're sober or actually have a palate... They are pretty much forgettable. That's why you have to sauce the shit outta them. The spicy McNuggets are not worth a second visit.

Damn, I wished I was on drugs... Well, there's always spray paint and a brown lunch bag. No review necessary for these regular McNuggets, you motherfuckers know what they taste like... But if y'all must, re-read the review above but without the sprinkling of "cayenne and chili peppers for those flavor-thrill seekers". Why did I decide to go sober today... Pouch, you fat dumb fuck. Make sure you wipe from front to back...

Splash.

Flush.