Subway

I have made some very poor life decisions in my life. Everyday, I ask myself where did I go wrong in life... And why am I so fat. I think it all started when I picked the wrong family as a tiny Pouch... They weren't rich. That's where I made the initial life changing wrong turn. And I have been choosing the road less traveled ever since... Forty miles of bad road, bad ideas and even badder decisions. For example... One of my latest and greatest regrettable and forgettable life choices... Subway. Oh, this wasn't a conscious thought, it was one made by the almighty brown juice gods... Bourbon and Rye. Fridays are usually shit days, well, all my days are full of shit but Fridays are usually the shittiest... Once, I get home, I start making cocktails and I don't stop until the Pouch starts growling and complaining. I'm like STFU, bro, I'm feeding you liquid gold, err, brown juice... Stop bitching, there's starving and sober kids in Chiiin-nah. Let's face it, it's better to be drunk and unconscious than sober with a full belly of dogmeat. But of course, I give in instantly and must feed the Pouch. I needed something quick and cheap to shut this motherfucker up, STAT... So, I can continue to imbibe without the marsupial nagging me every 2 minzies. I see a pile of junk mail sitting on the corner of the table and I go through it to see if there's any food coupons for guidance... Fuck me, all the usual fast food suspects. Then I see a bright green Subway BOGO coupon and I'm like, hey, this looks kinda healthy... Famous fucking last words, Pouch...

I haven't been to a Subway in over two decades, so, I had to google map the closest dumpy Subway station and just my luck it is run by an Indian family that barely spoke Engrish... Ooohhh, this is gonna be an adventure... Maybe I'll get lucky with a dericious chicken 65 sub. The last time I remembered, you kinda have to make your own sub at this dump and you actually have to communicate with them... It ain't like running into a Shell gas station and picking up a scratch off ticket by pointing my sausage finger at it. Wait, why the fuck not? Just pretend like you're at Willy's and point away at the assembly line of fillers. So, the only Subway that was opened from this Covid shitshow was hidden in this dark side strip mall off Dekalb Industrial Way... Yeah yeah, I know what y'all are fucking thinking... Have you no shame? Duh, what do you think... Eh, fuck it, let's just get this over with...

Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki Sandwich stuffed with teriyaki glazed chicken strips with our own fat-free sweet onion sauce. Fuck me, take a gander at the congealed hunks of cameltoe meat stuffed inside a supposedly 9-grain wheat bread that looked like it was pulled out from a hyena's sphincter... Laughing hysterically at me while I take the first bite... That's all I need, an audience to watch me projectile vomit from this rancid meat. I gotta admit, the veggies were bright and vibrant, though. But every single bite was mushy and squishy... Like chewing on a giant spitball with a few No.2 eraser nubs thrown in.

Italian B.M.T. Sandwich, Genoa salami, spicy pepperoni, Black Forest ham. Big. Meaty. Tasty... Holy shit, I thought BMT was some new Antifa sandwich made to appease them so they don't burn their fucking stores down... Wait, on second thought that doesn't sound like a bad idea... So, I assume this is their version of the Eyetalian sub. Jesus, look at that bread... Did it just come off the props table from a midget porn set? The Italian herbs & cheese bread looked kinda crusty and not in the fresh from the oven baguette sense... Crusty like a soiled 2 week old mamaw bloomers sense. I think it's the herbs and cheese aroma that brings back those precious memories from the days of yore when mamaw made me do her dirty laundry... Come to think of it, if you tilt your head slightly to the right that meatflap sub kinda looks like her... Nahhh, nevermind. Get your head outta da gutta, Pouch. The cold cuts and veggies were acceptable in the most generic sense but the Subway breads that they claim to be baked in house always taste so manufactured and artificial.

When I went to pay out, I gave them the BOGO coupon and they gave me another life surprise... They said they don't accept Subway coupons at a Subway, imagine the irony. It's no surprise why I haven't been back in double digit years and this revisit only helped reinforced exactly why I never returned... But the brown juice can make the Pouch do inexplicable things and it will have to face the consequences of such drunken ill-advised actions. Welp, looks like I took another wrong turn in my 600-lb life and will be crying myself to sleep once again... The culinary lengths I will go for my one fan. Hey, what's that old adage, again... That which does not kill us, makes us puke stronger into the toilet. And I paid full price to flush it all down the drain.

Flush.