Donkey Pouch

Another week passes and another weekly round up from the pouch... Let's see what grotesque shit it has been haphazardly shoveling inside the pouch this week...

Willy's.

Frito Burrito. I don't eat here much but when I do, it's because of some stupid ass new offering they have that is so pathetically retarded and who and why they conjured up this beast and actually charge money for it. It was such an ill-conceived specimen that I had to do it for my one fan. If the pouch wasn't gonna do it, who the fuck will... This creasture even scared me. Y'all have no idea how long I sat in my car in front of Willy's trying to weigh the pros and cons of doing this challenge. I thought about going to Popeyes first, then I played with the radio for bit, checked my emails, scroll down a few times on FB, stuck the key back in my car, started it up and turned it off... Stared at that the damned poster of the Frito Burrito on the door... And said fuck it. Stop being such a fucking bloody gash and just do it. What a big fucking mistake...
I said to the dude, just make it exactly how it looks like in the picture... There was so much shit and HFCS brown sauce in there that the dude couldn't even wrap the fucking thing up... Shit was spilling all over, the tortilla was ripped apart like my pants when I bent over to pick up a nickel, he did like 6 tries before the tortilla making girl came over with another tortilla and just double wrapped that fucker... As we all know, no one likes their meaty burrito double wrapped. It just doesn't feel the same when you stick it in the hole between your cheeks... Barely any sensitivity. But anyways, this thing was so bad, so bland, so disgusting in texture and flavor that I had to dump all 5 salsas on it to even slide it down my throat... And I'm an expert of getting girthy fleshy things down my throat. The Fritos did nothing for this because after awhile they get soggy inside that beast's colon and all it does is makes you gag trying to inhale this hog... It's like a donkey punch to the pouch. The ladies know what I'm talking about. Skip it and stick with the regular burritos.


Venkman's.

Meat Ramen. Pork and chicken broth, porchetta, kimchi, egg, house made noodles. So, they were trying their hands on a couple of ramen bowls one Monday night. This was the meat one obviously. The porchetta was slice ultra thin which was savory and ultra tender. The noodles were thin and good but a tad overcooked. The pork head/trotter, chicken, kimchi broth was nicely spiced but it was pretty salty. I ate all the goodies in the bowl but only half the broth since the sodium level was making the pouch retain water and pulling in humidity from the air. The egg had nice soft yolk but was ultra salty like a Chinese preserved salty duck egg... And I liked it. Besides the saltiness of the broth, it was a pretty tasty bowl of slurp.

Veghead Ramen. Mushroom broth, eggplant, bamboo, egg, house made noodles. Had to get one of each. This was pretty good as well but like with the meat bowl, it ran into the same salty issues... The egg was the same which I gobbled up but the mushroom broth was not as salty in this bowl. I liked both because they were different than the ramen bowls you find at every ramen pop up. A little adjustment on the broth and these could be crave worthy. But I liked the effort very much, especially, for a place that just recently opened and mixing up the menu.


Pinewood.

 

Shrimp Gumbo, andouille sausage, jasmine rice & scallions. Where is the French Dip sando? Are you kidding me... This is a gumbo? Looks like rusty corn mash water with some rice thrown in. The shrimp scuba diving in there were rubbery and flavorless. There were no trinity, no roux or file thickener, no flavor, no spice, no nothing. This was awful, almost laughable... I have had better gumbo from a Progresso can.

Grit Tots, Logan Turnpike cheese grit cakes, sweet chili aioli. These were cute and tasty. Hot and crispy but the aioli was pretty much crap. No problem with having a few buckets of these with a fistful of cocktails.

I have seen the price of the Michter's 10 Year from $85 to $400... Which is ridiculous. The 20 year may command $400 to the dull-witted but definitely not the 10 year. There are tons of amazing bourbon/whiskey that are aged for years upwards of 12 years and still doesn't command those lofty dollar demands. This place charges $30 for a pour which I thought was a bit pricey but my friend got it anyways. I took a couple of sips and it was good but not $30 good. I have had better for a lot less. This place still baffles me... While the cocktails are pretty decent here, the menu still needs a lot of work after all this time except for the burger. Yeah, imagine that... A burger.


Stay tuned for more gut-wrenching tales of the pouch adventures... I have to take a dump now after ingesting that Frito burrito. Flush.

Minero

Well, looks like PCM is well on it's way to becoming a destination food hall... Wait, did I say that out loud? I meant it has a long way to becoming a destination food hall... But it's on the right track. I do like the places in the mega space but it's far from world class even though the Chelsea Market people are behind it. The food joints are modern and presented very nicely but from what I have sampled so far, I'm not rushing back for them on a weekly basis. So, I was interested to try Jia but after going through the picture menu and way overpriced dishes, it just didn't put me in the mood for any Sichuan grub. I will hit them up eventually but not today... Walked next door to the taco joint by the Charleston celeb chef.
Sean Brock was walking around but he looked so lonely because no one was going up to him and kissing his ass... Bless his heart. It's prolly because no one in this food hall even knows who the fuck he is. I have eaten at all his restos in Charleston and they are pretty good. Charleston is a great food town, could even be better than Atlanta. Opening a second location for his taco shack with a tad smaller menu could prove to be either a winner or loser... But knowing this town's palate for all things Mexican't... It will prolly lean more on the winner side. Let's go eat some Mexi-gash...

Minero Michelada. I like micheladas but not as much as the Grizz. You gotta have Clamato in there... Didn't notice any, it was just semi cloudy. Nor was there salt on the rim. This was a pretty lackluster almost amateurish michelada... Not enough of everything that goes in there and no garnish. Not surprising given the bartenders acted like they were indentured servants trying to pay off a debt... I'm like, dude, passage from Charleston to Atlanta is like only $20 on the Megabus.

Horchata. It was chalky but had decent flavor to it... Like the rice was not ground up enough in the beginning or not pureed and strained well enough after soaking. A little more almond and cinnamon wouldn't hurt. Maybe they will get this perfected in the future.

Pork Carnitas, Al Pastor. The house made tortillas are pretty good. The meat fillers were pretty decent portions but there's just too many other stuff on top to kill the taste of the main attraction. You can't even fold these fucking things... Where's the fork and knife? They weren't bad but weren't great either for the price. The dripping grease factor was similar to Taco Bell... No bueno.

Grilled Steak, Fried Catfish, Charcoal Chicken, Green Chorizo. I basically got every single taco he had on the menu... And nothing was adventurous that one would find at a Mexi taqueria. These four were a total mess. Look at all that shit on top. Who the fuck can tell what you're eating let alone tasting. Nothing on this plate was memorable the next day. I still remember the lengua, cabeza, tripa and chile relleno tacos I had at a taqueria inside a Mexi mercado last year, it was fucking unreal and cheap as fuck, too. A friend who owns a great little resto intown told me the other night the burrito he had here was awesome... Maybe I'll try that next time, but he is a gringo, though.

Charcoal Grilled Chicken Wings, doused with Valentina. Came in a cute little paper bag with a window. Server wanted to do the dousing, I told her no thanks since I didn't want just that cheap Valentina sauce in there. Luckily, they had the green chile habanero sauce which is one of my favorite premade hot sauces.

I doused them with a shitload of Green Hot Sauce (almost used the whole jar) and a little of the Valentina for that cheap smokey flavor. They were pretty decent sized wings and had a nice char but they were just ok. Some parts of the meat were dry, tough and chewy... Which made wonder if a few batches were cooked off and held in warm box. I would not get these again.

Churros. Stuffed inside the same paper bag as the wings which makes more sense since they're a cute little dessert treat.

They look like big cheese curly puffs. They were crunchy and light on the outside but the inside was wet, gooey and under-cooked, I don't know if they wanted it like that so it's not so dry or the cook just didn't fry it long enough. They were kinda light on the color. They weren't too bad besides the gooey batter inside. The thick chocolate sauce was rich and tasty.

This gringorized taco joint has it's place in the PCM food hall but the food (minus the tortillas) was just ok which will be totally fine with this crowd. I'm not rushing back here any time soon... Not until I have tried everything else in the food hall. Hector's Super Pan should be a hit since he doesn't dumb down anything for anyone. And Guy's Ton Ton ramen joint should do pretty well but I have my doubts on the quality of the broth with that much volume in this food hall. What's sad is that I didn't even think twice about going back to Hop's Chicken... Imagine that, the pouch didn't even want fried cheekan. They still need to work on that order window (1 order taker/cashier person is fucking stupid) because that line is just unwarranted... Unless they wanted that image of being ultra busy like some night club. As for Minero, even a celeb chef can only do so much with a Mexi menu that caters towards the gen pop... But we all know that they will kill it with this herd. If you look down from the second floor, it looks like a giant slaughter house. Stay tuned for the look on the pricey lobster roll at Dub's Fish Shack/Camp... Squirt.

675 Ponce De Leon Ave.
Atlanta, GA 30308
http://mineroatlanta.com/

Craft Izakaya Omakase

So, I get a text from Craft telling me about an omakase and sake pairing they were putting together. It wasn't cheap but sometimes you just gotta treat yourself even if you go into debt... That's the new American millennial way (somebody else will pay for it if you can't). At this price point, I would be very skeptical if it was any other sushi joints but since I knew the talent behind the knife here... It was kinda hard to pass this up and miss what incredible shit was gonna be offered. Plus, a sake pairing from Kikusui sealed the deal. Enough talk, more pouch bells. Take a gander at this, bitches...

Ginkgo, rice ball crispies.

Time to get pissed.

Wagyu, A5 Tataki. The coveted A5 grade for this piece of highly prized cancer in front of my snout... Fuck yeah. I savored every tumorous morsel of it and this was a very generous portion of malignant growth.

Funaguchi Kikusui "Green Can". The fun times begin with a very tasty sake teaser of what's to come.

Sashimi Sampler. This could be my favorite of the night. An assortment of fishery all from Tsukiji market. It was so damn good, I could eat like 4 plates of this.

Funaguchi Kikusui "Black Can".  Now, we're working up to the really good stuff.

Pork Belly, braised for like 8 years. You eat them taco style, wrap in daikon, sprinkle mint and micro greens on top and shove them in you dirty face hole.

They were ultra tender and the skin, meat and fat melted together into one magical creasture.

Scallop. Like little spicy monkey brains... I will eat the shit outta these little Faces of Death monkey brains all day long.

Maguro. The color of this tuna was ridiculous. It could pass for an amazing piece of raw cancer from a cow.

Crab Legs. These were amazeballs... I gotta make these at home.

Shima Aji. Super delicate and sick.

Chutoro. This was no joke... Usually, everyone wants otoro including me but to find chutoro these days are pretty difficult and these were melt in your mouth badasses.

Roll. Forgot what was inside but it went down quick, quietly and without resistance.

Garlic Cod. Miso cod is sooo 5 minzies ago... Now, comes the garlic cod. Dericiously garlicky sweet to compliment the smooth flavorful flesh of the cod.

Kikusui Kuramitsu Junmai Daiginjo. "Usually rice for eating has smaller grain than rice for making sake, which means it’s not really cost effective to use this rice for sake brewing. However, the brewery uses Uonuma Koshihikari 100%, which means it is polished slowly over 6 days until the rice size has been milled down to 23%. The result is an elegant and flavorful sake with a touch of sweetness from the Uonuma Koshihikari rice."
This was no joke, it was fucking awesome.

Mochi, Green Tea and Red Bean. Both were tasty but the red bean was pretty light on the flavor.

Lemon Jelly thinger. You just suck the shit outta the lemon.

Kizakura Nigori Sake. Milky and unfiltered with a hint of sweetness is the only way to finish off this kickass meal.

This omakase sake event was totally worth it. This was one of the best meals I have had recently in this town. Not gonna lie but the Kikusui sake pairing made it even better. I would jump on this if they did another one of these again but don't hold your breath.

Burp.

99 Krog St NE
Atlanta, GA 30307
470-355-9556
 http://craftizakaya.com/

Diabolical Pouch vs. Avellino's IL Diavolo

I have heard about the IL Diavolo 'Za at Avellino's before... I thought it was just another pizza with some hot peppers on it, so I never gave it much thought. Then I read something online recently that brought this creasture of the deep back up to the surface. They make you sign a fucking waiver before you can eat it... Come again? It sounds quite formidable. Shit, sounds like a challenge for the pouch. I have eaten many dishes at many places with many cuisines claiming to have the hottest this or that... Most have failed me. I have even resorted to making my own hot sauce with ghost peppers or whatever I can. Of course, there's shit out that is insanely hot, extracted capsaicin essence in concentrated form with upwards of 2.5 million scoville units. But this devil pizza is suppose to be filled with a mix of chili peppers in almost every part of the pie. Picking off the pepper rings will not do much to minimize the effect since the sauce and/or dough is made with the pepper mixture, there shall be no escape from it. This is getting me excited... I can feel some blood flow down in my nether region. I hope this spicy 'Za doesn't make my junk fall off... I wouldn't mind if my muffin top pannus fell off, though.

Waiver to eat the IL Diavolo... How silly. But I liked it.. It makes it sound so official and deadly.

IL Diavolo - "The hottest pizza known to man. Notify next of kin. (waiver required)." 
They are very proud of this demon that they conjured up from the realms of the underworld. I had at least 4 staff members shake their heads and said good luck to me... They were all white so I wasn't that concerned. So, there's a mix of habanero and scotch bonnet slices on top... Doesn't look too deadly at first glance. But what is that thick brown paste between the crust and cheese? It is the SAUCE... Made with a powder mixture of ghost, habanero, scotch bonnet, Carolina reaper and maybe a couple other high gravity chili peppers, I lost count when they were telling me. They put a shaker with the chili mix on my table to sample. It's pretty spicy from the sample I tasted on my finger. I'm starting to get an itch in my pants and it ain't from fleas, I got rid of them last week... It must be from either joy or fear. Shit, it's too late now to turn back, so fuck fear a la Sister Louisa style.
The temperature of the pie was pretty hot since it just came out of the oven, so you can smell the toxins of the peppers steaming up like a freshly laid turd. I grabbed a slice and ran through my game plan in my head to just eat it as fast as I can without chewing too much, so the chili peppers don't disperse throughout my oral cavity. The first bite/slice wasn't too bad. But you can feel the heat coming on in your mouth. I'm hoping it will peak quickly if the heat intensifies, so the other slices won't be as potent. Picked up the second slice... Now, I can feel the fuse was lit and the burn coming on steadily. I stopped for a quick break after that one and tried a slice of the Rustica pie we got as well. Picked up the third slice and I can smell the intensity. Folded it in half and proceeded to my piehole. I am starting to slow down with this slice because my bowels are beginning to churn up a nasty vat of witch's floppy titty brew. But I completed the third slice. Time for another break with another Rustica slice. Now, there's a couple of sweat beads forming and my eyeballs are tearing up a little. Water is your friend. They offered milk but I wasn't having any of it. I said, that I will eat at least half of the pie... It would be 6 slices including the 2 Rustica slices and half a Julius Caesar hero I had. I would prolly projectile vomit if I ate the entire beelzebub pie. The fourth slice was in my line of sight... I'm actually hesitant about eating it. But I did it quickly and down it went. 
Now, the shit is getting real inside my pouch... Eating it was one thing which wasn't as insanely spicy in the mouth as one would think, the real trick was keeping it down. That shit was festering in there... It was like the Battle at Gettysburg, the casualties were endless from this campaign. My bowels were like a scene from a war-ravaged land... I even thought about committing seppuku. I was dabbing sweat off my head and tears from my eyes... They should put on Old Yeller while you eat this because this is the only flick where a dude can legally cry to. But I think my man card was revoked after the second slice since I took a break to eat a Rustica slice to try to neutralize the heat. Did the chili pepper mix really make my junk fall off? Possibly because I was feeling no sensations down there like a 80 year old woman... I guess it coulda pulled a turtle and the head crawled back inside the sphincter. I didn't care at this point, I just wanted the burning to cease and desist... To halt this unlawful and unnatural activity inside my bowels. This pie on this night kicked my iron pouch's ass. Good job, guys... You did it and you will be well remembered for it.

Rustica - Fresh mozzarella, romano, pancetta. This was not spicy at all... Which was a nice change after the deadly IL Diavolo. I didn't really have a chance to look at the crust and quality of the demon pie because it was basically all chili peppers but according to this normal 'Za, it was actually quite decent. The fresh mozz melted nicely, the pancetta gave it that saltiness it needed and the crust had a nice bite and pull to it. It was very decent pie for a place like this. Remember, you can't judge these pies against a NY or Napoletana style, totally different creastures. I would totally come back here and try the other normal pies.

Julius Caesar - Salami, pepperoni, hot capicola, banana pepper, mozzarella, mustard, mayo, lettuce, tomato. Why am I even eating this... It's laden with cancerous processed meats. Shit, after eating that hellicious pie, I wouldn't even give a shit if this was full of menthol cigs, paper, filter and all. This was a pretty tasty hero. The bread was nice, had a nice crack to it and the filler were colorful and flavorful. What's not to like about this very decently made sando. I would be interested in the eggplant parm hero next time.

Side Salad with the hero. Standard salad with a very decent balsamic vinaigrette dressing.

Cannoli. Pretty decent display of cannolis and they tasted pretty good, too. It's no Varuni cannoli but for this local pizza joint it's totally acceptable.

The IL Diavolo challenge truly warrants a signed waiver... I ate half of the pie and I was in rare form which even surprised me. The pie is basically tasteless because of all the chili pepper mix that's infused in all aspects of the pie... The thick paste-like sauce is the main culprit to any bowel's demise. I will suck off and stroke the satchel of anyone who can eat the entire pie because that would be an impressive feat... But I will not be doing this challenge ever again. Ok, maybe if I was pissed drunk with Hannah Davis sucking me off. As for the other stuff sampled, it was totally decent and acceptable... And I would definitely come back to try the rest of the menu. Would this be my first go to 'Za? Prolly not but if I was in the hood, I would stop in for a quick bite. The staff here are really friendly and pretty cool... But I didn't stick around to chit chat because that Rosemary's baby inside was slicing through me like a ninja with dueling katanas. I raced back home like a crackhead chasing a chicken in an alley. My toilet almost imploded and I was sweating like Paula Deen under fire for racism. I drank a big glass of milk to tame the beast within... But what I should have drank was a big glass of shut the hell up before even thinking about taking on this challenge. The shit I do for my one reader... Pass the TP and matches. Splash.

902 W College Ave
Decatur, GA 30030 
404-228-3285
http://avellinospizzeria.com/

Las Brasas Peruvian Roasters

The long awaited Peruvian cheekan joint is finally opened after months or years of waiting... The cheekan they slinged at the old little shack was amazing because they literally just came out of the rotisserie all hot and bothered and squirting it's juices all over my face... I'm totally ok with this kinda facial. Now, they have a real space that can accommodate scores of diners inside with booze to pair with that dericious cheekan. I don't know why it took so long to open because the space was a resto before... Not that the BBQ at Burnt Fork was good but they did had the kitchen setup already. But hopefully, the cheekan will be worth the wait... They're playing with a smaller menu for now which is smart. If they get their shit together with this limited menu in the beginning, the future should produce more dishes for the pouch to store them in. I can't wait to get those chicken legs behind each ear and start eating that motherclucker out... Squirt.

Corazon, grass-fed beef heart grilled over hardwood charcoal. The grilled hearts were a bit tough and chewy but had a nice flavor to it. The key to eating this is slicing them thinly which made it a lot more approachable unlike me stuffing an entire piece into my facehole and chewing for 5 minzies. The purple Peruvian potato were tasty but the herby minty huacatay sauce needed a bit more lime juice or even a splash of vinegar for a little extra kick... A little more seasoning doesn't hurt, either.

Cebiche Mixto, flounder fillet, Spanish octopus, calamari, and tiger shrimp. A nice little setup even though the main attraction was hidden under that mound of sliced red onions. Use the lettuce leaves as a delivery vehicle to pipe that seafood mix into your face gash kinda like how a cement truck pours cement into a hole. I liked this cebiche, it was pretty good. The acid bath marinade time was just right. The sweet taters were kinda bland but those little fried corn nuts were addictive.

Quinoa Salad, choclo, tomato, olives, cilantro, and quail egg with cucumber vinaigrette. So not what I was expecting... Are they trying to make this vegan creasture look like a steak tartare with those silly sulfurized quail eggs? This was quite boring and kinda tasteless. Skip it.

Pollo ala Brasa, huacatay sauce. This half portion size wasn't too shabby for $9. It had a nice looking roasted skin with great color... But the chicken had been sitting in a hot box, obviously. The skin was getting to that point of sogginess with bits of wrinkle. While the skin was a minor letdown, the tepid flesh was tender and moist... But it was missing something. The herb and spices needed to be more pronounced, you want all the crusty flavor bits on the skin, that's what makes it great. And as with the huacatay sauce, the chicken marinade also needed more acid like lime/lemon juice, a squirt of vinegar or even perhaps a few shots of soy sauce to bring out the Asian flavor that have influenced Peruvian cuisine for generations. This chicken could be a lot better than it is now.

I'm glad they have reopened to a bigger space but the cheekan was just decent and not really craveworthy like it used to be. Higher volumes usually hits the quality factor a bit. You just don't get that just right outta the oven chicken where it's piping steaming hot with a fine shellac skin that is just the perfect balance of texture to the pull of the skin and meat like when they were operating in that tiny ass shack. They have some more work to do on the food (especially, your main attraction- the chicken) and the staff training needs to be updated... You can not have the staff eating in the dining room or at the bar when there are still customers eating in there. Especially, when food or drinks are waiting to be delivered to the table... That's priority, not finishing up your 3rd bite of cebiche at the bar while a customer is staring and waiting for his drink at the bar. The timing of the food needs to be worked on as well... Don't send every single dish out at the same time because I don't want shit that's ready to be sitting there waiting to get cold or soggy. You need to pace the dishes out, isn't that food 101?
Like I said, if you get your shit together in the beginning, things will run smoother going forward only if you put these rules and routines into effect on the first day. You can't untrain bad habits.
I still believe in them, though... Get that chicken back up to spec like how it was in the old days and everything else will fall into place. But until then, you can find me at Popeyes.

614 Church St.
Decatur, GA
404-377-9121
http://www.lasbrasasdecatur.com/

Pea Ridge Revisit

This little hood joint is becoming a local gem... Went back on a recent Friday night for a quick snack and update and found it pumping even after 9pm with a whole bunch of old folk in there slamming whiskey shots with their prune juice chasers... Ok, maybe it wasn't whiskey but possibly sweet tea. But these old dudes still likes to stay up late and party... Speaking of which, I need some whiskey and something to nibble on so I can stop rubbing my muffin top...

Crispy Sweet Potato & Kale Fritters. Pretty cute little fritter balls. Crispy, hot and not too shabby. The horsey saucey is still weak and boring.

GA White Shrimp & Dill Pickles. Nicely fried shrimp and pickles with a corn salad and chile lime remoulade.

N.C. Trout Banh Mi. Does every cracker joint has to have an Asian dish in this town? Banh mi sandos are becoming the fucking ubiquitous calamari dish of the year. Their take with the pan fried trout is cute (the do chua needs to be pickled more) but they really need to toast the bread for that crunch on the outside, it's just way too soft of a sando, let alone a banh mi. The Caesar salad for an up charge was disappointing, the dressing was brown and not a hint of anchovies. 

Spring Peas and Broccoli Casserole. The peas were al dente and tasty but the broc casserole was just ok, not cheesy enough. Looks like they tossed some cheese bits on top and threw it in the oven.


Some elements to each of the dishes here were hit or miss, but overall, they got a good thing going here... It's comfort food, nothing here is gonna make you change your underpants after eating it but I still like their mom & pop style concept. We need more places like this and Dish Dive in this town.

2607 Lawrenceville Hwy
Decatur, GA 30033
470-268-4051
http://www.pearidgerestaurant.com/ 

Cheekan Bits

The pouch has been getting back on his regular feed schedule lately...Let's go take a look at what goodies were had before the peeping turtle comes out in about 3 hours.

Popeyes. Fried Chicken Lips lurv fried chicken livers...There are very few locations that does this specialty item. I finally stopped into the Roswell location which had a big sign out front for months trying to lure me in with their plump crispy livers... I'm glad I did because they were really tasty. It's offered as a combo so you get a dwink, bizkit and side... Which their cajun rice was calling for the pouch. I don't know why they don't do this at every location because these would be competition to Colonnade's kick ass fwied cheekan livahs.


International Cafe.
I think we all (me and my one reader) can agree that anyone who post rave reviews for the "German" food in Helen, upstate Georgia, are not food critics... Let alone people who go out much. The only thing this gimmicky town is good for is the beer and chick watching. But since we (me and the pouch) took a nice fall ride up for their Oktoberfest, we might as well get some eats in... I hope I don't shit my pants instantly... That would not be a pleasant ride back. Squoosh.

Reuben. "We're famous for our Reubens." ...Famous fucking last words. Yeah, and I'm famous for my girlish figure. The only thing German about this NY Jewish deli tradition is the kraut. Which is kinda amusing to think why Germans here would even think about eating this sandwich, let alone claim it for themselves. I just hope they don't bake it in an oven. This version was absolute garbage. I don't even know if that bread was even Jewish rye or someone wiped their ass with it and tried to pass it off as one. It tasted like a fucking Arby's sando. Where's the horsey sauce? The fucking tourists at every table loved it, though.

Bratwurst. They claim they're German here, so this has got to be their specialty... Sadly, their Jewish food is better than their German flesh tubes... This was wurst than the Reuben. Don't you just love the square piece of single serve Swiss cheese draped over the entire wiener shitzel and tossed under a heat lamp to soften? That must be an old school French technique... To cover up the tube of mystery meat so you don't have to see the cancer causing human DNA logs being ingested into your bowels. I tell you what, I ate like 2 bites of this logness monster and I had the Hershey squirts within 2 minzies... Macht Schnell! That poor toilet, it felt like Lemmiwinks was lighting off M-80s with the candle on his head in my bowels... That fucking inglorious basterd. Oh, Mistor Slave, behave!