LanZhou Ramen- Revisit

Why the fuck do I do this to myself? I keep coming back here as a goof just to see the ratio between roundeyes and slants. I look on Facebook, errr, Meta and all these crackers are marking themselves safe at LanZhou Ramen. Fucking pale skins. This place was such a gem when it first opened and the ex-pats were coming in droves to get some damn dericious knife sliced noodles. Anyone in the know will never order the regular old hand pulled spaghetti noodles... They don't hold sauce, broth or flavor well. Shit, I have never seen a real Eyetalian ever eat plain old spaghetti because they don't grab the sauce. So, after a year or two of noodle heaven, some fucking mook on Yelp or Eater posted that LanZhou was safe for the pedestrians and they started to infest this beloved noodle joint... To the point of no return. I stopped coming here for months because it looked like the waiting area of P.F.-fucking-Chang's with scores of homely Dragon-Con looking motherfuckers waiting to slobber away on the Chino spaghetti. I waited prolly a year before coming back here and while it was still filled with roundeyes, the volume was not as crazy.

I surveyed the perimeter and noticed all the gwailos ordering the same exact thing... Standard beef with thin noodle soup. And I mean all of them. There was a father and son, same fucking beef thin noodle soup. Fat cosplay furry hybrid creasture, fucking beef thin noodle bowl but with a side of flied lice... Fucking fried rice, make that shit at home, bro. A gaggle of pubescent broads texting each other at the table on what to order like they were coordinating outfits... Guess what they end up ordering? Fucking beef thin noodle soup because they have to be on the same level playing field just in case cute boys walk in... Sadly, one of the bros will have to take one for the team and jump on the grenade with the muffin top one. A Brookhaven family of four, ordered two of the same fucking thin noodle veggie stir fried noodle. Have any of these mooks ever heard of family style and variety? Obviously, fucking no. 

Let's hope the grub is still acceptable... So, I went twice within a couple of weeks apart to make sure they were still consistent.

Sliced Beef and Ox Tripe in Chili Sauce. Thank 8 lbs 6 oz baby Jesus that only the ex-pats orders this dericious app. They say it's beef and tripe but it is actually beef and tendon... Even better, ese! This is still spot-on and the portion is generous... Only comment would be it could be spicier. They do have chili sauce to drown it as much as your heart desires.

Chive Pocket Buns. These are basically Chino Hot Pockets. Great looking dough/crust and the filling was super chivey and I think there were bits of pork in there. I ate this so damn fast can't remember all the detz. But it's a tasty snack.

Shranghai Pan Fried Pork Bun. These are usually hit or miss... Because they either burn the fucking crepe-like crust or it comes out all broken. This exhibit was totally acceptable but they got real fucking chintzy and give you 5 now instead of 6. Still worth it I guess... But the red-headed stepchild at the table doesn't get one.

Dry Fried String Beans. They have this dish pretty much on auto pilot... As good as ever.

Beef Tendon Knife Sliced Noodle Soup. Look at those ribbons of glutenous love. These noodles hold flavor so much better. There was a good amount of chunky tender tendon in there. The broth is still pretty good and savory. Not too watered down. Still a great bowl on a chilly day.

Beef Stir Fried Knife Sliced Noodle. Always have to get a stir fry nood dish... I know what y'all are thinking... Where's the beef? Chill out, Wendy, it's in there... They were all piled underneath the ribbons of noodles. Everything was correct on this except the goddamn broccoli. It wouldn't kill you to use gai-lan or Shranghai bok-choy.

On another previous visit...

Steamed Soup Dumplings. If you need a quick fix, these will do. The skin is a bit on the thicker side but the soup and pork inside were hot and juicy and pretty good flavor. I would probably get sucka'd in on these soupy dumps, again.

Shranghai Pan Fried Pork Bun. It looks like it has leprosy. Big open sores throughout the crepe crust. It was crispy and the bun was good. It's always hit or miss with the crispy crust... They really need to get consistent on these... Because it's so IG-able.

Ox Tail Hand Pulled Noodle Soup. This is still one of the best noodle soups. The ox tail is plentiful and with a good bit of meat. I love digging for meat in all the crevices like I was picking my snout. Ok, if y'all were paying attention, this bowl had the thin pulled noodles... Guess who ordered it? A roundeye... Because they wanted variety instead of all knife sliced. I get it, bro... It was still good... Just for this one time. 

Lamb Knife Sliced Noodle Soup. This is more fucking like it! Chunks of lamb and thick ribbons... Damn this was guud. I wished they made a combo with lamb and tendon, that shit would be fire.

Pork Stir Fried Knife Sliced Noodle. I don't think I have ever ordered the classic bbq pork stir fried noodz... Because it's so common. Well, here it is and I must say it was pretty tasty. Would I order it again? Meh. Only if there was a redhead or blonde at the table.

Dry Fried String Beans. Of course, I had to order this... This is a must have on every visit. My mama mama mama san says you gotta eats yo veggies. It's always so vibrant and the crunch is spot-on.

Well, I have been here twice within 2 weeks apart and it looks like the gringos are finally waning off this noodle joint. Keep up the good work, gwailos. It was so unbearable coming here after the hype but the "influencers" got new authentic noodle joints to follow and IG about... Wagamama and Silverlake Ramen... Flush.

5231 Buford Hwy NE

Doraville, GA 30340

Whoopsie's

The era of the VID plandemic has been hellacious for the service industry... Especially, bars. This fat fuck had to drink alone at home and cry my-bloated-pouch-self to sleep every goddamn night for 3 years straight. An unprecedented amount of bars, restaurants and mom & pop shops shuttered around the nation and world during the scumbag authoritarian mandates and shutdowns. And in the wake after COVID, many new restaurants and bars started to open up but the only problem was they were all garbage. Not a fucking original thought, they all looked like franchised corporate bullshit. The menus were all full of overpriced low rent ingredients due to supply chain issues and inflation from re-opening demand. These chintzy motherfuckers all thought that people's palates were so dumb downed because a lot of people lost their taste from the VID and it was easy pickins' like shooting fish in a barrel. Let's keep charging $3 a wing (AKA Mkt Price) and see what dumb motherfucker will take the bait... And this was when wing prices started coming back down drastically like back to $6 for a 2.5 lb bag. Look at all the menus today and nothing has come back down... Not even fucking Mickey Deez dollar menu, you can't get shit for a dollar anymore. OK, maybe you can get a burger for a $1 at Salt Bae Burger giant liquidation in NYC... Everything Must Go! Including the sweaty salt grains that dropped from his elbow skin into his Z Cavaricci pants. Is it just me or does that mook kinda look like the demonspawn of Boris the Animal and Lilly from MIB? 

Let's get back on track here... Sooo, this tiny new bar opened quietly a few months ago and didn't get much media attention and it almost seemed like they didn't want it... They don't even have a website. But it didn't take long for them to get noticed through word of mouth. This was and is the type of bar that I love. Small, intimate, no fancy menu, no secret password or door that you have to go through a phone booth or bookshelf, decor like it came from a yard sale, they just focus on awesome cocktails and light and heavy snacks... Sold! Sign me up, mofos. Even with all the car traffic on Moreland, you would think it would be packed from opening to closing but if you look around, it ain't the best walking neighborhood in this stretch of Reynoldstown or Hobostown. But I fucking love it just the way they are... Just carry a 1911 or a couple of 9mm. BTW- they have a small parking lot around back but you can also park on the side streets.

Let's take a first look...

The cocktail/food menu is on a piece of paper which I love the simplicity but you are not limited to just what's on the one pager... Tim will make you pretty much anything you want. I just told him to mix it up and I will drink it. I really wanted to drink out of that one solo golden goblet hanging with the other glasses but he said that belonged to a VIP.. I can only assume it was Jesus' chalice. I sampled a few cocktails and they were all good and it changes regularly on the menu.

Old Fashioned. Of course, I got the tried and true classic... And they did it right with no muddling. Only amateurs muddle an OF. The Pouch approves. 

Champagne Velvet... The Beer with the Million Dollar Flavor with a Million Pesos Price. And they don't rip you off by upcharging this tall boy with a double digit price tag like other bars.  

Southern Snack Tray. When I was designing my menu a few years ago, I had an awesome item called the "In-Flight" meal and it changed monthly depending on where we were flying to and from. A lot of people have stolen the idea with these cafeteria trays... But I don't care and this snack tray was a lot of fun. Everyone loves to have an assortment of things to nibble on with different flavors, textures and mouthfeels. This was a winner or is that pronounced wiener... And I would slide it down my facehole if it was on the tray.

Burrata and Beets. Just a gorgeous dish.. The colors, presentation and taste was just spot-on.

Prime Rib. Jurassic Park just called... They want their brontosaurus back. Fred Flintstone is in da muddafukkin hizzah! Look at that juicy moist manmeat... I just squirted a lil in my underpants. That is a big fucking piece of meat, yo! And I wonder why I'm so obeast... BMI stands for Big Meaty Indulgence. Scientists use a merry-go-round to measure my body fat. Look at this beautiful specimen... There will be no doggy bag for this today. It's was succulent, tender, and juicy. The secret to eating this much meat is to cut small pieces of the gelatinous fat with eat bite of the meat which takes it to another level. The horseradish sauce is a bit runny but you don't even need it with all that savory jus pooling around Peter North's girthy flesh log. You can seriously feed 3 normal sized humans but this was just enough for one Marsupial Pouch. I don't eat prime rib often but shit, this was worth the price of admission. Then I rushed back home to evacuate my bowels and implode the plumbing...

This is one of my favorite new bars... It's a dive bar with class. And don't you fuckers ruin this joint for me... Or I will start writing up Daiquiri Factory, Moondogs, Johnny's Hideaway and Mr. C's as my favorite go-to watering holes.

Pump pump squirt..

1 Moreland Ave SE

Suite C

Atlanta, GA 30316

Cuddlefish

Brush was one of best sushi joints in Atlanta. The Decatur address was perfect for people who didn't want to deal with the Buckhead or Midtown crowds when craving top notch sushi. Yes, UMI, MF Sushi, Mujo, Nobu, Tomo, Taka, Hayakawa and Omakase Table are the primo spots to see and be seen but you have to deal with all the pretentious bullshit to get in there. Even all the other second rate sooshee joints are packed with wannabes that think rolls are sushi. I wished I got a nickel (ok, a quarter- adjusted for record inflation) for every time I heard a dumb broad say, "I luuuuv squooshie, but I don't eat the raw stuff.".... Ah, that's not what I heard, you look pretty handy with that sea cucumber in your facehole, ho. 

I was kinda sad when Brush announced that they were shutting down and reopening in Buckhead and re-concepting the Decatur space into a smaller menu focusing on omakase chef sets and hand rolls (temaki) but not the cone-shaped version we all know and love or hate. I'm not a huge fan of temaki but I'll admit that the spider hand roll at Kura Revolving Sushi is pretty damn tasty. I always thought hand rolls were a bit of a gimmicky anime type snack for children with the palate of a billy goat but the roundeyes are gobbling them up because they are safe like California rolls.      

Let's take a first look...

Temaki Sampler.

During happy hour (4:30-7PM Wed-Fri) they have 3 temaki for $20 up to $9 each from the regular menu and they also have a handful of $5 temaki to choose from.

Yellowtail Scallion Cucumber + Avocado Temaki (Traditional). The presentation is cute. They put them in wooden holders. They must have a ton of them because most people will be ordering at least 15 of these in one sitting. The yellowtail (and all the other fish they source) is fresh and quality. This combo is as traditional as you can get. 

Kabayaki Unagi + Avocado Temaki (Traditional). Grilled eel with sweetened soy sauce... Always a great bite. People need to eat more eel, it's so fucking guud.

Mentaiko Scallops Temaki (Signature), mentaiko mayo, torched, ao-nori. You can't see the plethora of scallops under all that charred jizzlobbery but I assure y'all that it was dericious and made me jizz a lil in my pants. 

Salmon & Citrus Temaki (Signature), sundried tomato, cucumber and lemon. The salmon color was spot-on and it melted in my pouchhole.

Salmon + Avocado Temaki (Traditional). I actually ordered the Shiromi Tartare but the server pushed the salmon button on his handheld because there was no button for the shiromi. He said he would adjust it but he never did and the Pouch got fucked again! I wanted that one so bad because shiromi is usually a white flesh fish which is mostly associated with madai.

Chef Set- Classic, $45.

I was gonna go with the Signature for $59 but I didn't want to over do it with the 5 temaki that I already inhaled and the rice was starting to expand in the pouch. The Classic would be a sampler to test out a good range of goodies they have to offer. I will do the Signature or Signature Plus next time... But it's hard to pass up on the plethora of temakis...

Black Pepper Edamame. Roundeyes can't get enough of these beans... I can take it or leave it. But the fresh cracked black pepper did bring some oomph to the usually boring edamame. And, of course, the wasabi and ginger packs another punch to the palate.

Tuna Poke. Not a very big portion but only about 3 bites. The focus is on the quality vs. quantity... And the quality is top notch as expected.

Sushi: Hirame and 2 Steelhead Trout (salmon). Hirame can be fluke/flounder or halibut but I would eat either one. I don't even remember what it tasted like because I inhale it... There were 2 steelheads so at least I remember to taste the second one and it was all good.

Snow Crab Salad California Temaki. Real snow crab, Eddie? Nuthin' but da best! Yeah, this ain't some shredded up surimi garbage AKA pollock... Ok, I admit I have made surimi (Neptune) salad before and ate the fuck outta it but that was when I was born a poor black child... Wait, I'm still fucking poor as a Denver hobo. This Cali crab salad seems very pedestrian but it was so guud in a low rent way.

Shiso Plum Cucumber Temaki. I don't do vegan sushi because it's such an insult but I got bamboozled into getting it... And it was interesting in a texture-flavor-mouthfeel kinda way. Would I get it again? Fuck no, brah. Give me raw snatch...

Sushi: Seabream, Yellowtail, Scallop. Now, this is the kinda snatch that I want to motor boat. This was so tasty, I coulda ate 10 tile plates of these.

Tamago Brulee. It's cute that they burn in their logo and name on the egg cube... While it was really nice looking, it was OK in flavor and texture. IDK, maybe it coulda been a bit more sweeter.

Spicy Tuna Cilantro Temaki. I thought this was a boba tea in temaki form at first glance but the spicy tuna is under all those puff balls. It was a nice bite with a hint of heat... I kinda wanted something big and bold to finish off the last bite but everything sampled was pretty damn tasty so it was not a disappointment at all. 

Apple Black Tea Cheesecake. Straight from their Momonoki menu... And it's pretty much spot-on. I'm not a big dessert pouch but it was pretty good... I would have prefer something lighter like a sorbet to cleanse the palate after all these bites. Not a complaint just an opinion.

I miss Brush like a motherfucker but Cuddlefish may be a better concept and price point for this area. It's more casual and approachable for people who claim they are sushi connoisseurs but regularly eats at Ru San's.

316 Church Street

Decatur, GA 30030

https://www.cuddlefishatl.com/

Okiboru Tsukemen & Ramen - Quick Lunch Revisit

The original Okiboru location in Sandy Springs has been killing it since it opened. But the space is pretty small and gets packed quickly. Their big draw is the tsukemen aka dipping ramen. Tsukemen's origin is by way of Tokyo in the mid 1900's, where the restaurant workers would eat leftover cold noodles and broth that didn't sell during the day, nothing was wasted back then unlike the entitled rich little bitches today. This style of ramen was not very well known in the USA. Shit, sushi didn't become popular in the states until the 1980's because roundeyes despise eating anything raw, especially, fish because it was considered dirty and low rent... And also, Asians were treated like second class citizens for a century in this country and WW2 didn't help with all the internment camps on US soil until 1946... C'mon, bro, say it like it is- they were fucking concentration camps for slopes and the fucked up thing was that our troops were fighting in the war to end all wars to liberate Jews from the Nazi concentration camps thousands of miles away! The fucking hypocrisy is profound. But the sushi fad became fab in the decade of decadence in the late 1900's... Yes, I'm talking about the goddamn 80's. Wallstreet was on fire, people were making mad bank and they had to spend it somewhere... So, the fashion and food culture exploded in NYC. Sushi became ultra lux and anybody who's anybody ate sushi by the pounds... Speaking of pounds, it's about time for this fat fucking chode to feed again... Let's go check out another location up in the sticks of  Duluth for a quick lunch...

Paitan Tsukemen, rich chicken and fish broth, pork chashu, soft boiled egg, yuzu zest, scallion, lime,  thick noodles. This is the dish that made them a household name.. OK, maybe not as famous as Mrs. Butterworth's, Aunt Jemima or Uncle Ben's... Oh, wait, they have been cancelled by the woke snowflakes. Maybe Okiboru will change their name to the Atlanta Pedestrian Noodle Company. OK, back to the noodz... Take a gander at this dericious specimen. It's just simple perfection. Everything you need and nothing you don't. In one bowl, you got the toothy noodles, perfectly roasted chashu, golden runny soy egg and a wedge of fresh lime. In the other bowl, a thick salty complex broth for dipping. Marry both of them together and it's just an amazing meal... Or a light snack for this bloated marsupial. They got this shit perfected. Will have to see if they dumbed it down for the roundeyes in the new Buckhead location.

Tonkotsu, traditional rich pork broth, pork chashu, soft boiled egg, scallion, thin noodles. It's just hard to say no to a bowl of tonkotsu... And this didn't disappoint. They may have one of the best bowls or tonkotsu in this one horse town. Many others have put this dish on their menus but most of them are total garbage. Ton Ton in PCM has one of my favorite tonkotsu (it was the best on my list when they first made it at Miso Izakaya) but I haven't been back for a minute and now I must go back to make sure they are still on my top 5 ramen list. But here at Okiboru, their ramen is a major contender for the top spot. It's simplicity is the key to this bowl. The most important part of this ramen is the broth... Shit, the broth is what makes a ramen a ramen. Without the broth, it's just fucking spaghetti. Look at that dericious broth... The glistening little oil spots calling me to motorboat my fat facehole into the bosom of this luscious bowl of WAP aka wet ass poontang. If I had a broad with a vag that tasted like creamy tonkotsu, I would be slurping that muff until I fall asleep on a nightly basis. Oh shit, did I say that out loud? Eh, no one read this ridiculous blog anyways... Spew away, Pouch, spew away... Or is that spooge?

Pump Pump... Squirt.

3614 Satellite Blvd

Duluth, GA 30096

https://okiboru.com/

bb.q Chicken

KFC or CFC (Corean Fwied Cheekan) has been explosive in this one horse town for the last few years. They have popped up faster than zits on a dirty hooker's ass. The Pouch has sampled many of them and most of them has given me explosive IBS-D... No, not the crackne from the dirty ho's ass but the dismal CFC that some places dishes out. But those little trivial things have never deter the Pouch from trying all of them. Shit, if a chicken had three heads I will eat that fried mother-Ghidorah-clucker. I have never met a chickenhead that I didn't liked. The popularity in CFC is how they prepare it... It's double fried to seal in the mega juiciness inside and the ultra crispy crust outside.

bb.q Chicken is a Korean chain that claims to have 1,000's of locations all over the world but in the USA, they are mainly in CA, IL, NY and a bunch peppered in other states. But what does "bb.q" stand for? Supposedly, Best of the Best Quality. And they partnered up with BTS to get young pussy to eat fried chicken. Now, I'm curious since BTS is involved... I know, I know what y'all are asking, why haven't the obeast underlord tried this joint yet? That's because the one on Buford Hwy looked dirtier than a Krispy Krunchy Chicken in a gas station in the ghetto. So, they have a few locations in Atlanta- Duluth, Suwanee, Johns Creek and Doraville... But they just opened a brand new location in Decatur in the old cursed space that once was Pho King which was fuh-king awful and before that a Taziki Mediterranean Cafe which was a tacky snoozefest. 

Somehow the fowl gods sucka'd another schmuck into taking the doomed space with another franchise. But at least this franchise serves fwied cheekan... The Pouch is totally OK with that... But wait up, not so fast... I drove by this new Decatur location a couple of times and every time it was dead as fuck empty during prime times. If the space is cursed, I don't want to be disappointed with cursed CFC... So, I'm going to the dirty one on Buford Hwy since I know it will be run by real life Coreans. Let's see if they live up to the Pouch's standards... Which is pretty damn low rent.

Half & Half Whole Chicken, Golden Original and Hot Spicy, $26. Boneless Lunch Combo, Honey Garlic, $12. This was an impressive spread... Visually. But how does it taste? Let's start with the boneless lunch combo first and work our way to the main event...

Boneless Lunch Combo, Honey Garlic, Fries. I have never been into the "boneless" wings gimmick... Let's face it, they're just fucking abstract cheekan pieces, neither nuggets nor tenders. They're like cheekan bits stuck in purgatory. The honey garlic glaze seems to coat all the pieces evenly. Took a bite, hmmm, not too shabby. The thin crust coating was crispy and it was well seasoned but the most important thing was that it was juicy inside. I must admit, these were pretty tasty. Would I get them again... Eh, only if someone else is paying for them.

If  you want a whole chicken, there is only two sauces available for it- Secret Spicy or Hot Spicy. All the other sauce flavors are only available with the boneless at this location (seems like the other locations offer more flavors with the whole chickens). What a crock of shit deal is that? How fucking chintzy can you be... C'mon, gae sae kki, they're just factory made sauces in buckets, give the cheekanheads options. But let's see how good (or bad) the cheekan is anyways...

Half Golden Original. Holy BTS, Fatman... It almost looks like Krispy Krunchy Chicken! Did they just Uber Eats this shit from KKC? I gotta admit, it looks pretty good. I love the thin crispy crust. I hate thick crusts, it's like the heavy breading is there to cover up the shitty chicken and lackluster flavor. Took a bite, lots of crunch and the meat was moist and juicy and flavorful. Goddamn, it was pretty tasty... And I didn't even put hot sauce on it. OK, let's move on to the main event...

Half Hot Spicy. What's wrong with this picture? This must be their hot spicy tiger stripe camouflage sauce. Jesus Christ, how cheap can you fucking be with the sauce that you rather pump pump squirt it on than toss it... That's what she said. This was a total let down visually but the golden original was tasty enough that maybe a hint of the hot spicy will bring it to the next level? Guess again, hangmun... The hot spicy was barely even medium hot but the viscosity and color were spot-on. I just wished they fully coated all the pieces with it... Stingy mofos. The crust was crispy and the meat was moist, juicy and flavorful, once, again. I should have asked them for more sauce on the side but the young broad working the counter was more interested in playing on her phone than working. I don't think any more hot spicy sauce would have made a meaningful difference. I shoulda threw the bones on the floor and take pics for the @randomchickenbonesofatl on IG...

It's a good Corean fwied cheekan, but Choong Man Chicken is still my go to for CFC. But guess who still has my cheekan lips, heart, Pouch and ass... The best fwied cheekan in all the lands, Popeyes. Those muddafukkaz got their shit down pat... Or is that down pouch.    

5805 Buford Hwy NE #2

Doraville, GA 30340

https://bbqchicken.com/

Cozy Coop

Anytime a new cheekan shack opens up, the Pouch can feel it like a fat twin can feel the other's IBS-D pain across the country. This new chicken spot opened in November and I felt the force of them frying chicken. The only reason why I didn't get there on opening day is because they are located in upstate GA, some bumpkin area known as Marietta... I call it Scarietta because they still lynch obeast slobs like me. But no matter how scary it is, that is still a long way to drive to be disappointed when Popeyes is only 5 minzies away. But the Pouch will always risk pouch and limb to report all that's fit to eat for it's one fan and only reader of this preposterous food blog... Especially, when it comes to fwied cheekan. I'm already facing the prospect of untimely death every time I eat a box of Popeyes in one sitting, a few hillbilly mossbacks in a jacked up Dodge Ram 2500 blowing black diesel smoke ain't gonna scare this fat fuck... That thick smoke will act like a Ninja smoke bomb to help the Pouch elude the redneck syndicate known as the Marietta Mullets. 

Enough of the dueling banjos... Let's see what the fuss is about their cheekan and... Git 'Er Dun! 

Crispy Chicken Sandwich, Cozy sauce, brioche, pickles, $5.99. Looks like a Tennessee Top Hat doesn't it? Yes, I cannot get the mullet theme out of my tiny pea brain. It's a nice looking cheekan sando but seems a bit drippy. The crust looks thin and crispy. Good amount of pickles and the brioche bun seems to be in good order... And could double as a North Carolina Neck Warmer in this ridiculous Atl-arctic weather.

Look at that Cozy sauce cascading down the side like a Kentucky Waterfall. The white breast meat patty was a bit thin and I was right with the thin crispy crust which is preferred. It was a tasty cheekan sando but nothing really that crave-worthy that I would battle the Ape Drape clan for another. 

Rib Meal, 1/2 rack, fried okra, cornbread, $13.95. Add 2 piece chicken (+$1.98). At first, I thought it was kinda weird to see a glazed Beaver Paddle on the plastic tray... Did some lumberjack get their flowing locks cut off in an epic battle out back? Then I realized it was just plain old ribs. I always thought it was kinda strange to see ribs at a chicken shack but after seeing this, it kinda makes sense. First off, the fried okra were pretty damn good, they fried them fresh, not from a brown bag. You have a choice of cornbread or a biscuit, the teenager at the counter said to get the cornbread since she's the in-house culinarian. It's a big square and it was a bit dry and mealy but serviceable enough. The ribs were tender enough and a tad dry but it did have a faint hint of a pink smoke ring... Very surprising since I thought they would poach them off in a Wisconsin Waterfall of liquid smoke and throw it in the oven to finish. Would I go back for them? Fuck no, unless you possess a Canadian Passport. OK, let's get a closer look at the main event... 

Dark meat cheekan is always the most flavorful. Their cheekan is pretty good. Very crispy thin crust, a tad salty but I drowned it with hot sauce so it didn't really matter. The cheekan was moist and juicy. It's a respectable fwied cheekan but not a destination... Some may consider it a Missouri Compromise when comparing the fwied cheekan at Walmart. I don't know how Popeyes does it so consistently but they are still the king of all fast casual fried chicken. 

If you're cruising around in your IROC-Z sporting a wife beater and a El Camino Headrest, stop by here if you're craving some decently priced fried chicken, but just watch out for the Walmart Wolverines on line in the drive-thru slinging mud around back. It may look like business in the front, but there's a party in the back... Don't forget to bring your Mississippi Mudflaps.

2500 Barret Creek Blvd

Marietta, GA 30066

https://www.cozyusa.com/

Bistro Niko

What the fuck happened to this place? I haven't been back in many many moons but the few times I have eaten here it was totally acceptable. Is it authentic French? Fuck no. But they were consistent and their techniques were totally satisfactory. I had an itch to see how they were doing these days after how the VID destroyed so many restos and they were still standing due to their solid financial backing from the Buckhead Life Restaurant Group. The VID ordeal created chaos in the service industry across the nation. A huge percentage of small mom & pop shops were destroyed thanks to shutdowns and government mandates... Only the big resto groups with unlimited funding survived while secretly modifying their menus smaller with cheaper ingredients and increasing the prices to keep their profit margins in check... Labeling cheap menu items with fancy names and the oblivious public didn't even bat an eye. Like P.T. Barnum famously said, "There's a sucker born with every bite." I know what y'all are thinking, that's not what the greatest showman said and y'all are right. I'm talking about Pouch Trough Barnum, the infamous fatman that will eat anything and then cry itself to sleep.

Let's get this over with quickly... Just like pulling off a band-aid. 

Traditional Country Pate, "Chef Gary's specialty", BN pickled vegetables, grain mustard, baguette toast. Gary's pate itself didn't look too bad. It had nice color, consistency and density. The flavor was fine, nothing that you would remember after they take the plate away. The grain mustard and cornichons aka "pickled vegetables" were spot on, what a stretch that was. The baguette looked ridiculous. Look at it, there's two normal slices and then some half midget pieces... And it was stale. This whole dish was forgettable. No Gnews is good Gnews with Gary Gnu.

Ahi Tuna Tartare, hass avocado, pickled ginger, soy. Why the fuck did I even order this... I already knew it would be a mess. Look at that plating... No passion whatsoever. Wait, is that a raw meatball or a rotten beet? Where's the avocado and ginger? They thought they could hide it with a sprinkle of micro-greens on top. And that nasty soy... What did they mix it with? Boogers? At least the baguette slices looked uniform in size... Wait, I spoke too soon... They were stale as well. I hate throwing tuna away but it was pretty bad. Ate half of it and pushed it to the side.

Steak Tartare Parisienne, watercress, toast points. Did they just redeemed themselves with this pretty good looking tartare? Almost... Those toast points were bright white like Baba Booey's horse teeth. They were stale and hard as a fucking marble countertop. I tried to snap one in half and it made me look weak like Napoleon Dynamite. They could use these fucking tiles to repair a stucco wall. The tartare was actually pretty good, a little bit too moist, but still decent. It was missing the yolk but maybe they mixed it in already since it was so "wet". So, I asked for some fresh toast points. They said they were all out and they brought out the same stale baguette but instead of slicing them into slices, they literally ripped it apart with their hands. It looked like a pile of rubble. I have never seen such a vulgar display of power! Someone must be having a bad day. I ate the tartare with a spoon like a schmuck eating pudding alone in the corner of a school yard. That watercress was useless with this, they shoulda paired it with cornichons or fries at least. 

Oysters on Ice, Bluepoint (LI Sound) and Barnstable (Cape Cod). Can they fuck up the oysters as well? Thank god, that's a fucking no... Unless they dropped it on the floor and put it back in the shell. Shit, rinse it at least... Even you can't hide pubic curlies and dirt under a sea snot. But luckily, these did look pretty good and plump. And they were fine. Thank baby Jesus they didn't have to cook these. 

Rillettes de Saumon, cold smoked fresh salmon spread, toast points. What the fuck is in that jar? Sea Monkeys? Whatever was in that jar was no spread. It looked like what you would fine inside a garbage disposal. It was big shards of pink bits with white smegma... Wait, was this a sample from the labiaplasty center next door? And this was just a gift that keeps on giving... Look what's hiding behind that jar... The same stucco tile toast points. Still hard as a fucking prison shiv. The only good thing about this was that it was in a jar that you could close up to stop the stench and avoid contracting salmonella.

Skate Wing, brown butter, nonpareil capers, spinach, steamed fingerling potatoes. Wait a minzies, am I still in the same place? This looked too good to be coming out of the same kitchen. The golden brown color was spot on even though the presentation wasn't perfect. A couple of ripped strands doesn't bother me if it tasted is good... And by the grace of the almighty marsupial gods, this tasted pretty good. The brown butter needed a little more heat but the capers made up for it. I don't even remember eating any spinach but the unseasoned potatoes were merely just filler. The skate wing was the star of this dish. Thank goodness this was the last dish, I don't think I can take anymore of their savage punches of crap to the pouch. 

I don't know what happened to this place but the entire joint just looked worn out all over... From the bartenders, the front of the house staff to the kitchen crew. They all just gave up. No wonder the service industry is starving for competent workers. They are just hiring anyone with a heartbeat. The senior citizen bartender looked like his retirement portfolio crashed to zero and he had to take a job again... That poor bastard. There was zero urgency to do anything. I almost walked out after sitting at the bar for 15 minutes without even a word from him. Don't worry lazy grandpa, I won't be back ever again...

Flush.

3344 Peachtree Rd NE

Atlanta, GA 30326

https://bistroniko.com/