Ruchi Bangladeshi Cuisine

On a recent Friday night, I was drinking whiskey alone in my underpants and tube socks while watching Deadpool... Seriously, true story... And it was not a pretty sight, that's why I never turn on the lights. My tiny dump was as dark as the catacombs of Paris. I can't wait for Deadpool 2 to come out... But, for now, I have to settle for watching DP1 over and over again, kinda like how I cry myself to sleep night after night... And asking myself on a daily basis, where did I go wrong in life and how did I get so fat? I can relate to Deadpool's cab driver, Dopinder, and his love for Gita like the pouch's love for Popeyes. And love is a beautiful thing. When you find it, the whole world taste like spicy fwied cheekan. So you gotta hold onto that crispy thigh... Tight. And never let go unless it's down your piehole. Don't make the same mistakes the pouch made with Church's and KFC. Got it? Or else the whole world tastes like Mama June after hot yoga. And what does Miss Mama June taste like? Like two hobos fucking in a shoe filled with piss.
Speaking of hot yoga... The pouch can't live on Popeyes alone... Or can it? But on this night the pouch gots the hankering for something spicy and Indian... And I'm not talking about that crafty Bandhu who stole Gita's heart and my box of Popeyes when I wasn't looking. I'm talking about Ruchi Bangladeshi grubbery... Ok, it's not exactly Indian chow technically but close enough. I needed something fiery to spice up my busy Friday night... What? It could happen, the pouch has friends. I don't care what the experts say, imaginary ones do count.
Located in the same space as Rose of India... And with the same exact decor in the same exact spots. Seriously, they didn't make any changes after they took over... Except for the menu. I had no complaints with Rose of India's food but it was nothing craveworthy enough that I had to put it on my rotation, either. But I heard decent things about Ruchi's grub that I had to check it out for myself... It's about time, pouch, you're losing your touch with reporting all that's fit to eat to your one reader. Well, if y'all were as morbidly obeast as I am, then you would know that heavy set people don't move much except to lean to one side to fart... I'm sure my one fan will understand. It takes a lot these days to get me motivated to report back on the new restos because they all sound so generic. Just the same shit wrapped in a different packaging. I read these new restos' menus and I fall asleep... But don't get me wrong, I have been eating out... A lot. I just don't have the time to write them all up because of my fat stubby sausage fingaz. But enough with the words coming outta your mouth, let's get some grub in your mouth, pouch...

Papadum. A nice little freebie treat to start off with. They were crackly and gave something to play with while you waited for your food. The tamarind chutney was a bit on the sweet side but it was way better than the green chutney that was bland as fuck. Let me channel my inner Yelper for a second... If it's fwee, it's for meeee! Next...

Vegetable Shingaara. Triangular puffed pastry stuffed with cubed potatoes, green peas, carrots & mildly spiced herbs. Just fucking call them samosas... Because that's what they really are. And they were pretty sizable like my grandpa's saggy sack hanging out of his shorts. They looked great but what ruined the presentation was that sad ass limp salad. Why, Dopinder, why? Let's take a closer look at this specimen. 

Nice and chunky on inside and the taste was full of flavor which was a nice surprise... And there's that fucking bland ass green chutney making another appearance. Replace it with the sweet tamarind chutney and you'll be ok. It's a worthy snack, I won't make fun of the roundeyes for getting it... Or even eating that pathetic salad.

Chicken 65. Spicy, deep-fried appetizer with chicken slices marinated with garlic & ginger; stir-fried and slightly sautéed with green chili, curry leaves, & special sauce. That was a mouthful wasn't it? And it sure was... It was tasty enough that I couldn't stop eating it. It wasn't spicy but it was pretty addictive... It's not as good as Kabab Express' wet version but this will do. They came out nice and hot, made to order and not straight from the microwave. Don't jinx yourself, pouch...

Naga Morich with lamb... Negasonic Mutton Warhead what? Super spicy Bangladeshi dish with ‘Naga Morich Achaar’ (spicy pickled green chili), garlic, & other spices & herbs. That's a bold claim motherfuckers... Don't ever call anything "super spicy" without the blessing of the pouch. I'll be the judge of this super spicy dish. It kinda looked like Dinty Moore's beef stew at first glance... Until I took a whiff of it. Could it be as spicy as they say? Spooned up a good bit of it on top of the Baashmoti Polao rice and took a nice big bite... C'mon, yo, it ain't that spicy. Oh, pouch, give it a minzie before you speak... And then it hits. A couple of sweat beads started sliding down my topographical mapped face. What's this? Something worthy of praise by the pouch? Perhaps... I will need to eat more before my final verdict. After a few more spoonfuls of the sauce and chunky pieces of lamb... The pouch decrees that this is worthy. It was not as super spicy as stated but I guarantee you that it will be more than most people can handle. This is a warning for all the roundeyes that may be tempted to try this... I had to use a napkin to wipe off some sweat from my fat face. And that says a lot for their execution of this dish... Not too shabby. I wished I had a mango lassi to cool the heat down... Where the fuck are you Mirza? Oh, wait, that's Panahar.

Garlic Naan. Ahh, naan to the rescue to soak up all the Naga Morich Achaar brewing in my bowels. It's a pretty good garlic naan... Well, shit, for $3, it better be.

Dharosh Bhaji. Fresh sliced ‘Dharosh’ (okra) sautéed with ginger, garlic, tomatoes, grilled onion and other spices. They looked burnt at first glance but they were not at all... They may have been purple okra. The dish was pretty good and it's a good contrast to the spicy lamb dish. 

Baashmoti Polao Rice. The perfect vehicle for spicy and saucy dishes.

I didn't know what to expect when I first walked in because there were no ex-pats or brownies eating in here... They were so happy to see me because I look like a Mexican and I was the brownest person to walk in. The only group in the entire joint was a pack of middle-aged single white female office workers getting together after work to complain about work because they are damaged goods and no man will have them. Jesus Christ, pouch, you are so fucking mean! Yeah, so, but not as mean as my Arby's Venison Sandwich review. Don't worry, no one's feelings are being hurt if no one reads this garbage... But that entire table of wrinkled hags were totally unbangable even with the lights off and downing a bot of brown juice. Why am I still doing this blog, again? This is the stupidest blog on the internet and there are a shitload of stupid shit on the worldwideweb. Lucky for me, I only have one reader... The rest of the counter is me re-reading this post to make sure Yelp didn't ban me. But as for this joint, it's worth a visit and I would have no problem going back for a revisit... Maybe with people even next time. How much do friends cost again? Who can use a $1.78 in change...

4847 Peachtree Rd
Atlanta, GA 30341
http://ruchiatlanta.com/

Bad Daddy's Burger Bar

How many more burger joints does this one horse town need... I swear, I am kinda sick of burgers this week because when you're hungry you think you're craving for a juicy satisfying man meat patty between a soft toasty bun... But more often than not, I regret eating that motherfucker afterwards and it usually triggers the two finga diet to expunge that evil cow muffin from the bowels of hell within... Like that fucking new "fresh beef" quarter pounder from Deez Nutz which was worse than a full rectal trumpet. Ok, if the pouch was imbibing generously that day, it wouldn't say no to a burger... And this was prolly how this ridiculous journey to this joint began... Because I don't even remember driving here. It was that kinda day. I just mysteriously appeared at the front door and I saw a bar so I walked in, naturally.
Like most weekends, I start drinking early to wash away the pains of life... And then I get hungry and can never find a place that I want to give them my money. So, to make myself, stuck forevermore in this fatbody bag, feel better, I sometimes stumble upon Yelp to see what new and ridiculous food pics these douchenozzles post. And of course, they are some of the most unappetizing and blurry pictures ever assembled online by these esteemed food critics... Which gives me a reason to keep breathing another day to do just one more review for my one fan, it ain't over till the fat pouch sings. One night, I was clicking around the interwebs looking for the sequel to 2 girls and a cup and the search result led me to a picture of a fat gash eating tater tots and a burger... I was hooked. I had to find out where this place was... And if this pig was still there eating. I don't know if this is normal but I really enjoy watching obeast creastures eat, it's more fun than watching naked midgets finding their way out of a pig pen. So, picture after blurry picture of burgers finally revealed the name of this place... Bad Daddy's Burger Bar. What a fucking stupid name... Sounds like some sicko who's into fat chicks, lotion and slutty lap dogs. Now, their damn burgers have been imprinted on me... I guess I gotta check it out and report back to my one reader.
This is the worst lay out and location for a burger joint. It's located inside an apartment complex that seemed like it was designed by Mr. Magoo... Zero foresight and logistics went into planning this housing project. Finding your way inside is a task, where the fuck is the entrance? Luckily, I was drunk already, so, I let go my conscious self and acted on pouch instinct. Found the parking lot and followed the sounds of breaking glass to a small alleyway where the front or side door was... Do they think they're some kinda of hip speakeasy? The answer is no because there isn't any hip speakeasies anymore, only cheap speakcheesies. Speaking of cheese... Now, I'm kinda curious about their cheeseburgers. The place is like a burger version of Hooters, kinda slutty but the staff doesn't wear pantyhose under gym shorts... They even have wings, but they're $11 for 8 small wings. Fuck that noise. Alright, enough of the lip service already, pouch... Just get to the slop.

Fried Pickles, hand breaded pickles served with traditional ranch dressing. The lengthwise sliced pickles may look good but once they cool down they become flaccid like a wet noodle. This dudebro at the next table looked like he was gonna throw up watching me try to get these floppy pickles into my facehole... I guess it looked I was servicing some John at his POV and angle. These fried pickles were ok but I prefer the pickle chips instead. They stay crispier and easier to eat.

Magic Mushroom Burger, topped with sauteed morels, shitake, chanterelle and oyster mushroom, Swiss cheese, creamy truffle aioli and arugula, with tots. That sounds pretty fucking good doesn't it? Ordered it mid-rare and they were nice enough to cut it down the middle... Too bad they didn't even look at the inside. It's a decent looking burger but I didn't see any pink at first glance, so I may have to make a stink... To the manager and then the bathroom. Let's take a closer look, shall we... That fucking red onion ring sliced down the middle sitting on top of the bun looked so pitiful.

WTF... That doesn't look mid-rare... It looked like it belongs in an urn and driven to the sea and released. That heifer was basically cremated. That was no where near mid-rare... Maybe more like a mid-aged hag and there's nothing pink about either of them meatflaps. Luckily, all the toppings covered most of that disaster but once you put it in your mouth nothing on there could mask the over cooked meatcake once you start chewing. It wasn't terrible but if it was made to the temp as requested it woulda tasted a lot better and more memorable. It may sound good on paper but there is nothing exciting about this burger or any of their other burgers... It's just as generic as any other "chef-driven" burger joint. The tots were pretty good, though, crispy and crunchy... I'm happy to announce that no cases of IBS-D were reported. And sadly, that was the highlight of the night. Y'all know what I'll be doing when I get home... Yep, crying myself to sleep again.

Been there, done that... And another meh experience. Nothing special to report and definitely no need to go back any time soon. But the local yokels seemed to enjoy it... They're all yours, Jed and Jethro. Only one burger joint gets me excited these days... And they are still under the radar after reporting about them awhile ago, that's why I get a blood flow every time I get to go there.

5070 Peachtree Blvd
Chamblee, GA 30341
https://baddaddyburgerbar.com/store/ga/chamblee

Tsingtao Brother

The Chinatown food court hasn't changed much in the last 100 years... That goes for the food shacks, the tasty grub they put out and the low prices. But change is good sometimes... Or is it? When I saw this place being built out awhile ago, I asked a FOB doing the Asian squat behind the counter if they were going to serve the beer with the same name when they open... He looked at me like how people look when you accidentally open the door to an unlocked stall while some dude was pinching a loaf. He was like, go away, fat boy, we have no food now! What the fuck just happened? What kinda ching chong shit was that? I thought it was Long Duk Dong buzzed off his skull for a second there... Turned out it was one of the food court workers taking a snooze break.
When it finally opened for business, I by passed it on two other visits before I grew the nut sack to try this place out. The place and menu just didn't look organized or finished... I took a peek into the kitchen any chance I could and it was sparse back there. They also didn't have that excitement all new places have when they first open... It's like they have been there for a decade and just didn't give a rat's ass about customers. I guess it's time to go in and see what the fuss was about... The numbnut at the counter just stood there and didn't say a goddamn word. I think he was trying to use his ESP to take my order... No, sir, I didn't order a quarter pounder with cheese, I was thinking of Popeyes, do y'all have any spicy? He was not happy with that answer and he finally spoke and asked, what you order? Since, I just ordered a beef chowfun at HK BBQ right before I came here, I should prolly not order another noodle dish... I should order two more noodle dishes! Since, we all know HK BBQ's chowfun is always solid, let's just focus on this new joint's dishes. Let's take a quick first look shall we...

Wok Fried Cheung Fun. I was looking at all the different casseroles they had on the menu but I wasn't feeling it. It was all a blur and then my eyes focused on this dish and I was seriously curious about it. This wok fried cheung fun sounds too similar to chowfun... And I had to have it, I don't care if I have to eat two of the same dish. Then this dish came out and I was pleasantly surprise by how fucking awesome it looked. It was rolled up tube of rice noodles with egg, scallions and bean sprouts... I was so glad I ordered this. The thick tubes of rolled up noodles were just plain dericious... The flavor and texture was heaven... And it didn't even have meat in it. This noodle dish was a total winner. I would get this again and again.

Skewers- lamb, pork belly, chicken hearts, chicken gizzards. I wanted to the try the squid claws but I didn't want anything that I had to crack the shell, it's too messy to eat. So, I just stuck with the meat on a stick that was easier to eat. The lamb and pork belly are pretty standard issue but I had to include the chicken hearts and gizzards which aren't always available at other places. I'll buy that for a dollar... And they all were, what a bargain! The lamb was literally only a couple bites but it was a bit chewy so maybe it was for the better. The flavor and seasoning was tasty but I would skip the lamb next time. The pork belly was good as expected but what pork belly isn't. The hearts were tender and had a great bite to them. The gizzards were all hacked up into unidentifiable scraps but after the first bite, it was unmistakable that they were gizzards with that unique crunch. For a buck each, there's not much to complain about. I'll have to splurge on the squid claws next time, I hope they're worth the $2.50. Oh, they also have free rice, so you could get a shitload of sticks and make a full meal out of it.

Lo Mein. I know I know... What kinda slope are you, pouch? We all know that lo mein is a classic slutty Chino dish for the roundeyes, but lo mein is also a real Chinese dish if skillfully executed by the right hands. Since, everything I have sampled so far was pretty legit... I couldn't help but order it. Plus, so many Mexicans were eating it that I had to try it... The sight of so many Mexi-muffin tops puts me into a trance and I do as they command. It was one of the specials of the day, so, I was curious if they did something different that made it special. For $5, there's no meat in it, just a veggie lo mein. It looked pretty decent but it was kinda bland. After a few bites in, I was put into a state of stupor and I swore I was eating worms... But they were only noodles, Pouch. If you want to fill your sack on the cheap and without any frills, this will do. But I would put the money towards another wok fried cheung fun, that shit is guud.

This new food shack ain't the friendliest or prettiest and it will definitely deter a lot of crackers from walking up to counter but this first sampling was pretty good overall. I need to try the casseroles but the fried cheung fun is a must next time and every time... Along with the chowfun at HK BBQ.

5389 New Peachtree Rd
Chamblee, GA 30341

New Fresh Beef Quarter Pounder with Cheese

Why the fuck do I do shit like this to myself... Well, because I'm a fat fuck for one and two, for the love and approval of my loyal one reader. I don't need a crystal ball to see what will happen in the near future with this specimen... All I need is to look down into my underpants at my one ball to be triple dog dared into this challenge to the 5th IBS-Degree. I really should to be rewarded financially with dangerous stunts like this when dared... But I have to think about my one fan and of course, for the children. I haven't had a Deez Nut's Quarter Pounder since the mid 80's and I haven't wasted another 5 minzies of my measly life since that day... Until now. Jesus, I really don't want to do this, now... Look at the grease spots on the bag... How the fuck did grease penetrate through the box and into the bag? Those spots are bigger than the spots on my liver... That is unpossible! I need another drink before I eat this thing.
Why did I fall for this "Fresh Beef" gimmick from McDonalds? Because I'm a fucking sucka... Ah, shit. Just do a shot of whiskey and get this thing over with, Pouch... I hope I shit my underpants when I'm passed out... At least I won't hear people laughing at me. They will prolly poke me with a stick to wake me up in my own filth.

I'm not lovin' it right about now... This is like the Lost Ark. You know not to stare directly at it when you open it, but curiosity dares you to do it. The 10 minute el bano warning begins when you open the box... This may be the only time I wish there was a dick in that box. Isn't Kwanzaa coming up? Help me, Akeem, I rather eat Cleo's Big Dick, err, I mean Mick... C'mon, Pouch, just do it already you fucking Nancy. It says "Cooked When you Order"... Yeah, right, I call bullshit. That shit came out in like 30 seconds. Why do I even give them the benefit of the doubt... God, I'm so gullible.

I heard Europe's The Final Countdown when I opened the lid... Is this like one of those music cards? Now, I'ma skeered... This is how every Saw movie opens up. If I see a fucking puppet on a tricycle in the corner I'm gonna IBS-D the shit outta this dump. Ok, this sesame bun looked alright, not all smushed up like every MCD sando I have seen. Could they actually take more care in cooking and executing their new fresh beef creasture? Let's pop the hood and take a looksies...

My eyes, my eyes... They burn! It's like opening the hood of a Ferrari 308 to find out that it's just a fucking Pontiac Fiero in disguise. I take back every nice thing I just said about them taking care in executing this cow muffin. Close the hood, motherfucker, there's mothers breast feeding their children in here... These are two images that would instantly kill a raging hard on when you're climbing the rope in gym class. Don't pretend y'all never got a bloodflow while straddling that thick rope, it's like the pee-hard on... It's god's sick joke to humiliate us at the most vulnerable and fragile time of our lives. I lost my dignity and a part of my gym shorts from the coarse rope since that day in gym class, so, that's when I started eating non-stop to fill the void in my heart since I was not very good with the ladies... But I will ravage this ridiculous burger like a flesh light... Squirt.

Y'all have no idea how much strength I had to muster up to not ask them for a temp on their new never frozen quarter pounder... It's prolly best to keep your facehole shut and have it fully cooked. But I had to satisfy my curiosity and gut this beast open Buffalo Bill style to see the inner workings. At first glance, it didn't look that heinous... It actually looked like a real burger, I would stick my dick in that mash potatoes. That is until you took the first bite... The patty was dry and chewy as fuck, as if it was cooked like an hour ago and sitting in their warming trays waiting for it's next sucker to be had. But, what did surprise me was that there were little crispy char bits sprinkled around the patty... It did trick you into thinking this was better than it was for a split second until your brain catches up with processing the data. But make no mistake, this was not worth the $4 you have to shell out for the burger alone... Even if you had a coupon for free fries and a drink with a Quarter Pounder purchase... Which I regretted immediately after. Coupons are a like a triple dog dare and I can't resist after shots of whiskey and a couple of bumps. Just say no, kids... And let the pouch through.

Unlike the McRib, this lackluster "cooked to order fresh beef" burger will never become an annual or anal tradition... Well, the MaCrib ain't nothing special either except for it's elusiveness like that fucking rodent Punxsutawney Phil and the mystery groundhog meat wreaks havoc on the pouch but it's like going to mass on Christmas, you don't want to do it but it's tradition... Or else the priest will make you place the lotion on it's foreskin. Once this exhibit is expunged from my bowels it will be reunited down the shitter with all the other unspeakable gimmicks from the days of yore.

Flush. 

Snackboxe Bistro Lao Street Food

What the fuck is going on in this strip mall all of the sudden? It's been pretty much empty for years with only two major anchors, H Mart and Shoya... Which Shoya has been a favorite of the pouch since the beginning and still is. Now, there's Conch Heaven, Miss Gogi, Kula, Yebisuya for the last few months and more restos are opening up. The two newest ones are Champion Snack House and Snackboxe Bistro Lao street food. Since, some people have been raving about the Lao grub here (not counting the Yelptards, they fucking like anything), it made me curious enough to stop by before I went to H Mart to get some more 2X spicy hot chicken ramen... That is the spiciest instant ramen I have ever had and it's fucking impressive even for the pouch. Hopefully, this joint's grub will be more impressive than a bag of ramen.
Walked in and looked around, the interior was decently built out... Wasn't expecting anything fancy, but it was clean. You order at the counter and they give you a number. The Laos street food menu read well until you notice the prices... $7 for 3 wings? Come the fuck again? I was tempted to order them just so I could rip them a new asshole if they sucked ass but I just had some killer fwied cheekan the other night at Fork in the Road, 6 piece dark with 2 sides for $8.99... And I just couldn't justify spending $7 for 3 whole wings at this supposedly oriental street food joint. I know what y'all are saying, this fat fuck is passing on motherfucking fried chicken? Someone call a doctor, the pouch must be sick in the head. The wings aren't what you come here for anyways... It's the grub that you can't get anywhere else that interests me...
Let's go take a look and see if the Yelptards were right about the food or just spewing the same old shit outta their brown eyes in exchange for free grub... I think we all have a feeling about how this will go...

Khao Chee, sticky rice omelette cakes, pan fried crispy topped with seasoned egg wash, $5. Sounds so fucking good doesn't it? Yeah, until these cow muffin came out... I had these before and I was hoping they were on a stick and grilled with nice bits of char around it. Instead, we get these lightly brushed eggwash sticky rice cakes. There weren't much egg wash or seasoning to these bland ass patties... I had to dip them in chili paste just to wake myself up while eating them. If they were more seasoned I wouldn't have been so disappointed... No wonder no one was ordering these things. Skip these unless you're craving POW scraps... I can't even use the leftover rice to seal my envelopes.

Beef Jerky, Sticky Rice, $8. The jerky looked gorgeous and it tasted as good as it looked. But it doesn't come with sticky rice, that's an extra $2 for a small bag... That's just fucking wrong, mofo, everyone knows oriental jerky should always come with rice. It's like charging extra for rice when you order fried rice. So, this quick street snack will set you back $10... Fool me once... Fuck that noise. It was tasty but not worth it for a few small bites. I. Want. My. Two. Dollars.

Spicy Thum, green papaya salad, $6. I was pretty skeptical on getting a proper papaya salad at a fast causal Lao joint, but I was pretty impressed when this came out. It looked damn decent and not all Americanized. Even some Yelptards who says they can't find real Lao street grub in Atlanta were complaining about how spicy it was... Maybe they should read it first. Yeah, they're "foodies"... Fucking twats. Those numbnuts don't know what spicy is... This had a hint of heat, but just enough for the common palate. For the pouch it wasn't even at 10%. Besides the spice level, the flavors, colors and textures were all in there... I liked how they threw in a few pieces of Thai eggplant. This was a pretty nice specimen of a proper green papaya salad and may be one of the best executed version in this town.

Khao Poon, red curry pork noodle soup, $9. I like poon... Shit, who doesn't like poon. Well, it was either this or the chicken noodle soup... And I'll pick whatever is spicier every time. It's a pretty good portion, prolly one of the few things that feels like you got your money's worth. The best part of this bowl was the little pork on the bone nuggets hidden in the curry broth... The meat literally melted off the bone when you put it in your mouth. The rice noodles and broth were plentiful and once again the flavor, color and texture were all present... But for a red curry broth it was kinda weak... You can always add in some of their special chili paste in there to amp it up a bit. This noodle bowl alone can fill you up... But the marsupial pouch can not live on just one menu item.

$30 for 4 snacks isn't exactly the street food model... It ain't cheap to eat here, especially, when half the dishes I sampled were just average. I know what y'all are thinking... Why didn't you try the LARB, pouch? That's because the word larb is too close to lard... Like my ass. The spicy thum was the best thing I had on this visit and it may get me back in here to try some other pricey snacks... Maybe even the larb if I get properly lubed up with some, no, a lot of brown juice.

6035 Peachtree Road
Doraville, GA 30360
www.snackboxebistro.com

Wait... There's more!

Ok, I couldn't resist stopping by Champion Snack House to see what's going on in there... And it was dead as fuck. The place had a strange feeling and the pouch's spidey senses kicked in. I looked at the menu and pretended to be interested... It was basically Taiwanese style snacks and bento boxes. Since, I already ate a bunch of shit, I didn't want a  fake bento box to depress me any more than I was already... But there's always room for fwied cheekan nuggetz to make me happy again.

Salt & Pepper Popcorn Chicken. They looked pretty decent... The sweet potato starch coating looked a little light on the color, it coulda used another minute in the fryer to give it a little more crunch but it wasn't bad. Shit, I can't say no fried cheekan nuggets... I inhaled these within 2 minzies. Jesus, pouch, you really are a fat fuck... True story.

Thai Express

This area has been kinda run down for a long time... Not that it was a bad area, it was just ignored by the hipsters and city slickers because it was kinda out of the way with no destination joints around. The whities went to Decatur square to live and hangout because it was the "it" area the last few years and still is... The brownies were the only people putting roots down and turning this area into a major Indian hub and community. I was happy that I could get some serious untainted Indian grub on the cheap... And you still can but you're gonna pay a bit more these days since developers bought up a few car dealer lots and turning them into those all too common live-work-play mini communities. So much shit has been built and opened for business around here already and there's a shitload more to come... But why here now, pouch, why? Well, my one loyal reader, I'll tell y'all why- As time passed and the population of this one horse turned to two horses, a pig and a donkey... Atlanta proper was running out of hipster space, so, the only choice was to spread out. You would think that could be a bad thing but I kinda like it... The area has exploded with new shops, restos and facelifts for existing businesses which is making this area very desirable.
It's kinda crazy how many new chain eateries have been popping up around here for the roundeyes, MOD Pizza, City BBQ, Tropical Smoothie, Zoe's, First Watch, Chick-fil-a, Smoke + Duck Sauce, Louisiana Bistreaux and of course, now, we gotta have a Chino or Thai joint... I was kinda excited to see a Thai joint opening up around here. Perfect when I need a quick fix while boozing alone in the dark. Thai grub is great drunk food... And if y'all didn't know I like to drink, a lot. So, it was time to test it out after slamming down a few cocktails. Walked in and it was like any other mall type food concept. They have an "open" kitchen, if you want to call it that... But it's nice to see them cooking the food in front of you, so, you know they ain't putting boogers and cum in your food. The menu is pretty typical of the generic Americanized Thai dishes. I was so fucking tempted to get the green curry but the pouch instinct was punching my muffin top as a warning not to. I had no choice but to agree or else the pouch would have initiated instant IBS as a defense mechanism. C'mon, we all know that the green curry here would be wack as fuck with little to no heat. And you know they would just put sambal oelek in there if you asked for Thai hot and turn it into a pink goo. So, just get it out of your tiny head, pouch and forgettaboutit. Pad Thai was on my list but I gotta try something else... Hmm, what to get while I'm holding up the line. Then the owner/manager says you should try the General Thai, it's very very good and people love it. I don't know if he was serious or just wanted me to finish my order and move the fuck outta way. I couldn't think of anything else so I said yes and had that sinking feeling in my pouch right after I paid. Ah, fuck it, how bad can it be... Famous last words.

Cute design on the take out boxes... I hope it tastes as good as it looks.

Chicken Wings. I looked at this and said to myself, what is so Thai about this? Fucking nothing. They literally just threw plain old wings in a fryer... Not that there's anything wrong with that and they did taste pretty good, but this was supposedly a Thai joint. I guess they can pass it off as Thai wings if they place them on a bed of lettuce and include some Mae Ploy sauce on the side. Skip them and save the money for something else. I also got their mango salad which was a few slivers of mango with iceberg lettuce and some fish sauce but it was so small that I forgot to take a pic of it... Don't worry, it wasn't worth it anyways. Skip that, too.

Pad Thai with Tofu. Jesus Christ, I didn't know Trainspotting came in a box... Looked like someone had explosive diarrhea in the back and couldn't make it to the shitter in time and just used a takeout box instead. How fucking unappetizing does that look... Fuck, why do I do shit like this... Oh, yeah, for my one reader. They didn't even fill the damn box up... Oh, well, maybe it's for the better. Bless my bowels... I'm going in. Mixed in some chopped peanuts and lime juice, stirred it up and took a bite. The tofu was fine, the noodle was thin and round and the entire thing tasted nothing like Pad Thai. The manufactured tamarind sauce was a bit too sweet but hey, you know who they're catering to. It was not terrible but it was basically a Thai inspired lo mein.

General Thai. How cute, a play on the popular General Tso's cheekan. I like fwied cheekan but this was more like General Grievous... Because one look at this and I knew my bowels will be in a lightsaber duel shredding my innards apart. Why the fuck did I listen to this guy... I asked for super spicy and of course, they just put in a few spoons of sambal. I think they sourced the factory made chicken nuggets from the same purveyor as Panda Express. I guess they were crispy in the beginning but the cloying fake sweet sauce turned it into a chewy doughy taffy like texture with little to no chicken in them. The portion was pretty small and the box was half full with rice. Even hole in the wall Chino joints separate the rice and the chicken... It's kinda like the microwaveable crap you can get from the fridge at a gas station.

Overall, this was pretty much slutty pedestrian mall food. It will prolly work for the people who love fast food, people with kids and borrachos... Ok, I prolly wouldn't say no if I was drunk either but I would prolly hate myself when I wake up in the afternoon. It ain't Thai food but Taco Bell ain't Mexican, either... And people eat that shit up like a motherfucker... And so would this inebriated fat fuck by mistake again. Don't judge, only the pouch can.

2502 Blackmon Dr
Suite 830
Decatur, GA 30033
www.thaiexpressfood.com

Tasty China Smyrna

Years ago, the original Tasty China was a relatively unknown Chino joint until Peter Chang was plastered all over the interwebs about his Szechuan culinary prowess. That motherfucker was a good cook but he was also a magician, too. He would pop up at random Chino restos around the country and create a cult following status... And then he would mysteriously disappear without a word and reappear at some hole in the wall Chino dump in the middle of no where USA. The last place that chubby Chino was spotted was somewhere in fucking Virginia... I think he's still there, possibly against his will, it is Virginia after all. But enough of stroking his ego... Let's turn our attention to TC's newest location a little closer to town on Atlanta Road. Both the original and new location are still using his name as a PR gimmick even though he has been out of this one horse town for years. I gotta admit, I haven't been back to the original TC in a long time because I really didn't buy into the hype like the whities did... Like they discovered some new cuisine from outer space or something. And Jia in PCM didn't help to win me back, either... Jia is fucking god awful. How anyone can say it's good is beyond me... It's prolly the same dopes that says Gu's Dumplings in KSM is good. It didn't look that far on the GPS but once you get to this part of Atlanta Road it feels like you're in the same town as Jeepers Creepers in rural Florida... It is fucking dark and scary up in here. Maybe Peter Chang will magically show up in this tiny strip mall one day since he loves weird hillbilly locations so much...
Walked in and the space is pretty modern looking and they fucking serve booze up in this piece (ok, just beer and wine but I'm alright with that)... Is it me or does anyone find it strange that a Chino joint has craft beers on tap? Fuck yeah, who cares, I'm loving it already. Ok, let's not get ahead of ourselves here, pouch... Doesn't take much for me to get excited these days when you have a BMI over 32. Ordered a couple beers right away to lube my innards for the imminent ma la experience... While I perused the menu. It's pretty much the same with the classic hits. Enough talk, time to eat, motherfuckers and see if it's still the same old same old or perhaps they amped up their Szechuan game without PF Chang... 

Szechuan Black Vinegar Peanuts. This little appetizer is not rocket science by any means but the roasted peanuts swimming in seasoned sweetened black vinegar with diced jalapenos and green onions are pretty damn tasty.

Dry Fried Eggplants. Their most infamous dish in all the lands... And it's still pretty good but the portion was smaller and the ma la heat was lighter than I remembered. You can see the Szechuan peppercorns sprinkled around on there but there was barely any heat in them, maybe they were old peppercorns, who knows. But the eggplant was crispy and had a nice bite to them as expected.

Braised Fish in Red Chili Oil. You can't not order this if you come to this place... This cauldron of lava fish has been spot on every time I had it in the past. But today is the future and PF Chang ain't cooking here no mo... Let's see if it still lives up to my memory. And... It does, somewhat, but like the eggplant it needed to be a lot spicier. That's the whole deal with this dish, it must be spicy as fuck. The fish was tender and melted in your mouth like it should but you need that heat on the back end to make you sweat... And it wasn't there. Perhaps they may have dumbed it down for the roundeyes.

Mapo Tofu. This dish is the lemon test of a true Szechuan joint... And I was excited for this to come out from what I remembered from the days of yore. And then this came out... It was a bowl of red grease. They should call this Braised Tofu in Red Chili Oil. I make mapo tofu at home a good bit and it should never be this oily. I don't even see any minced pork in there, it's just tofu cubes, chili paste and castor oil. The only saving grace is that the rice soaks up all the grease and makes it look more appetizing to eat. It was acceptable but I would not get this again.

Xiao Long Bao. I was on the fence on this one but the roundeyes were all clamoring for it. I was vetoed. All I needed was one look at this specimen and it was game over for these soup dumps... The pouch's instincts were right again! You can't miss that thick ass dough even if you were blind. Even with the thick armor skin there was no soup in these dumps. Did they evaporate while being steamed? The answer was reveal when I picked one up and the skin had holes on the bottom... Why even bother with the spoons? Fuck me, these dumps were so dry, doughy and chewy with no flavor whatsoever... I've had better soup dumps from the local grocer's freezer. The truly sad part of this specimen was how long it took to get to the table... They basically came out last. And the last impression is usually how you define the quality of the place.

Szechuan Beef Flank Noodles. Yes, it looked oily as fuck but I was ok with this noodle dish being a bit greasy if the broth was flavorful. There's a decent amount of noodles on the bottom and a handful of tender flank as well. Get it mixed up pretty well and this spicy beef noodle soup wasn't half bad. I thought the heat level would be more intense after a few slurps but like the previous dishes, it had the appearance of ma la but the taste was ma ma... aka so so. The overall construction of the bowl was fine but the heat level was just not there.

Braised Flank with Dry Persimmon. Sounded good on the menu but it looked like it came from a can of Dinty Moore's beef stew. But looks can be deceiving and this exhibit looked like a toilet at Taco bell at 2AM but it ended up tasting pretty good. Mix it in with a bowl of rice and you got yourself a tasty comfy dish that you would like to eat in your pajamas and then pass out on the couch with the empty bowl resting on top of your fat belly... Not that it has happened to me or anything.

Szechuan Chicken. Sometimes the most boring sounding dish on the menu can surprise you... If the cheekan ain't fried, it can't be good, right? Fuck that noise, this bloody red cheekan bowl was prolly the spiciest dish of the night and I kept picking at it over and over again with my grubby chubby sausage fingaz. Yeah, it was pretty good.

It was pretty acceptable overall but nothing craveworthy enough to bring me back here on a regular basis... Just like the original location. I just don't know why people buy into the hype so much about this place. It's good enough for the masses that wants to pretend to be adventurous eaters but even dish after dish of supposedly spicy items, I was barely breaking a sweat. I prefer Good Luck Gourmet if you're looking for a higher ma la level in your food and they also have a better variety of dishes. Tasty China may be good enough for this area in upstate GA but I think I will just stick with the Szechuan and Shaanxi joints on Buford Hwy any day. If anyone mentions Jia, I will cut you with a cheekan wing bone from the parking lot at PCM.


1860 Atlanta Rd SE
Smyrna, GA 30080
www.tastychinasmyrna.com