New Fresh Beef Quarter Pounder with Cheese

Why the fuck do I do shit like this to myself... Well, because I'm a fat fuck for one and two, for the love and approval of my loyal one reader. I don't need a crystal ball to see what will happen in the near future with this specimen... All I need is to look down into my underpants at my one ball to be triple dog dared into this challenge to the 5th IBS-Degree. I really should to be rewarded financially with dangerous stunts like this when dared... But I have to think about my one fan and of course, for the children. I haven't had a Deez Nut's Quarter Pounder since the mid 80's and I haven't wasted another 5 minzies of my measly life since that day... Until now. Jesus, I really don't want to do this, now... Look at the grease spots on the bag... How the fuck did grease penetrate through the box and into the bag? Those spots are bigger than the spots on my liver... That is unpossible! I need another drink before I eat this thing.
Why did I fall for this "Fresh Beef" gimmick from McDonalds? Because I'm a fucking sucka... Ah, shit. Just do a shot of whiskey and get this thing over with, Pouch... I hope I shit my underpants when I'm passed out... At least I won't hear people laughing at me. They will prolly poke me with a stick to wake me up in my own filth.

I'm not lovin' it right about now... This is like the Lost Ark. You know not to stare directly at it when you open it, but curiosity dares you to do it. The 10 minute el bano warning begins when you open the box... This may be the only time I wish there was a dick in that box. Isn't Kwanzaa coming up? Help me, Akeem, I rather eat Cleo's Big Dick, err, I mean Mick... C'mon, Pouch, just do it already you fucking Nancy. It says "Cooked When you Order"... Yeah, right, I call bullshit. That shit came out in like 30 seconds. Why do I even give them the benefit of the doubt... God, I'm so gullible.

I heard Europe's The Final Countdown when I opened the lid... Is this like one of those music cards? Now, I'ma skeered... This is how every Saw movie opens up. If I see a fucking puppet on a tricycle in the corner I'm gonna IBS-D the shit outta this dump. Ok, this sesame bun looked alright, not all smushed up like every MCD sando I have seen. Could they actually take more care in cooking and executing their new fresh beef creasture? Let's pop the hood and take a looksies...

My eyes, my eyes... They burn! It's like opening the hood of a Ferrari 308 to find out that it's just a fucking Pontiac Fiero in disguise. I take back every nice thing I just said about them taking care in executing this cow muffin. Close the hood, motherfucker, there's mothers breast feeding their children in here... These are two images that would instantly kill a raging hard on when you're climbing the rope in gym class. Don't pretend y'all never got a bloodflow while straddling that thick rope, it's like the pee-hard on... It's god's sick joke to humiliate us at the most vulnerable and fragile time of our lives. I lost my dignity and a part of my gym shorts from the coarse rope since that day in gym class, so, that's when I started eating non-stop to fill the void in my heart since I was not very good with the ladies... But I will ravage this ridiculous burger like a flesh light... Squirt.

Y'all have no idea how much strength I had to muster up to not ask them for a temp on their new never frozen quarter pounder... It's prolly best to keep your facehole shut and have it fully cooked. But I had to satisfy my curiosity and gut this beast open Buffalo Bill style to see the inner workings. At first glance, it didn't look that heinous... It actually looked like a real burger, I would stick my dick in that mash potatoes. That is until you took the first bite... The patty was dry and chewy as fuck, as if it was cooked like an hour ago and sitting in their warming trays waiting for it's next sucker to be had. But, what did surprise me was that there were little crispy char bits sprinkled around the patty... It did trick you into thinking this was better than it was for a split second until your brain catches up with processing the data. But make no mistake, this was not worth the $4 you have to shell out for the burger alone... Even if you had a coupon for free fries and a drink with a Quarter Pounder purchase... Which I regretted immediately after. Coupons are a like a triple dog dare and I can't resist after shots of whiskey and a couple of bumps. Just say no, kids... And let the pouch through.

Unlike the McRib, this lackluster "cooked to order fresh beef" burger will never become an annual or anal tradition... Well, the MaCrib ain't nothing special either except for it's elusiveness like that fucking rodent Punxsutawney Phil and the mystery groundhog meat wreaks havoc on the pouch but it's like going to mass on Christmas, you don't want to do it but it's tradition... Or else the priest will make you place the lotion on it's foreskin. Once this exhibit is expunged from my bowels it will be reunited down the shitter with all the other unspeakable gimmicks from the days of yore.

Flush.