Thai Express

This area has been kinda run down for a long time... Not that it was a bad area, it was just ignored by the hipsters and city slickers because it was kinda out of the way with no destination joints around. The whities went to Decatur square to live and hangout because it was the "it" area the last few years and still is... The brownies were the only people putting roots down and turning this area into a major Indian hub and community. I was happy that I could get some serious untainted Indian grub on the cheap... And you still can but you're gonna pay a bit more these days since developers bought up a few car dealer lots and turning them into those all too common live-work-play mini communities. So much shit has been built and opened for business around here already and there's a shitload more to come... But why here now, pouch, why? Well, my one loyal reader, I'll tell y'all why- As time passed and the population of this one horse turned to two horses, a pig and a donkey... Atlanta proper was running out of hipster space, so, the only choice was to spread out. You would think that could be a bad thing but I kinda like it... The area has exploded with new shops, restos and facelifts for existing businesses which is making this area very desirable.
It's kinda crazy how many new chain eateries have been popping up around here for the roundeyes, MOD Pizza, City BBQ, Tropical Smoothie, Zoe's, First Watch, Chick-fil-a, Smoke + Duck Sauce, Louisiana Bistreaux and of course, now, we gotta have a Chino or Thai joint... I was kinda excited to see a Thai joint opening up around here. Perfect when I need a quick fix while boozing alone in the dark. Thai grub is great drunk food... And if y'all didn't know I like to drink, a lot. So, it was time to test it out after slamming down a few cocktails. Walked in and it was like any other mall type food concept. They have an "open" kitchen, if you want to call it that... But it's nice to see them cooking the food in front of you, so, you know they ain't putting boogers and cum in your food. The menu is pretty typical of the generic Americanized Thai dishes. I was so fucking tempted to get the green curry but the pouch instinct was punching my muffin top as a warning not to. I had no choice but to agree or else the pouch would have initiated instant IBS as a defense mechanism. C'mon, we all know that the green curry here would be wack as fuck with little to no heat. And you know they would just put sambal oelek in there if you asked for Thai hot and turn it into a pink goo. So, just get it out of your tiny head, pouch and forgettaboutit. Pad Thai was on my list but I gotta try something else... Hmm, what to get while I'm holding up the line. Then the owner/manager says you should try the General Thai, it's very very good and people love it. I don't know if he was serious or just wanted me to finish my order and move the fuck outta way. I couldn't think of anything else so I said yes and had that sinking feeling in my pouch right after I paid. Ah, fuck it, how bad can it be... Famous last words.

Cute design on the take out boxes... I hope it tastes as good as it looks.

Chicken Wings. I looked at this and said to myself, what is so Thai about this? Fucking nothing. They literally just threw plain old wings in a fryer... Not that there's anything wrong with that and they did taste pretty good, but this was supposedly a Thai joint. I guess they can pass it off as Thai wings if they place them on a bed of lettuce and include some Mae Ploy sauce on the side. Skip them and save the money for something else. I also got their mango salad which was a few slivers of mango with iceberg lettuce and some fish sauce but it was so small that I forgot to take a pic of it... Don't worry, it wasn't worth it anyways. Skip that, too.

Pad Thai with Tofu. Jesus Christ, I didn't know Trainspotting came in a box... Looked like someone had explosive diarrhea in the back and couldn't make it to the shitter in time and just used a takeout box instead. How fucking unappetizing does that look... Fuck, why do I do shit like this... Oh, yeah, for my one reader. They didn't even fill the damn box up... Oh, well, maybe it's for the better. Bless my bowels... I'm going in. Mixed in some chopped peanuts and lime juice, stirred it up and took a bite. The tofu was fine, the noodle was thin and round and the entire thing tasted nothing like Pad Thai. The manufactured tamarind sauce was a bit too sweet but hey, you know who they're catering to. It was not terrible but it was basically a Thai inspired lo mein.

General Thai. How cute, a play on the popular General Tso's cheekan. I like fwied cheekan but this was more like General Grievous... Because one look at this and I knew my bowels will be in a lightsaber duel shredding my innards apart. Why the fuck did I listen to this guy... I asked for super spicy and of course, they just put in a few spoons of sambal. I think they sourced the factory made chicken nuggets from the same purveyor as Panda Express. I guess they were crispy in the beginning but the cloying fake sweet sauce turned it into a chewy doughy taffy like texture with little to no chicken in them. The portion was pretty small and the box was half full with rice. Even hole in the wall Chino joints separate the rice and the chicken... It's kinda like the microwaveable crap you can get from the fridge at a gas station.

Overall, this was pretty much slutty pedestrian mall food. It will prolly work for the people who love fast food, people with kids and borrachos... Ok, I prolly wouldn't say no if I was drunk either but I would prolly hate myself when I wake up in the afternoon. It ain't Thai food but Taco Bell ain't Mexican, either... And people eat that shit up like a motherfucker... And so would this inebriated fat fuck by mistake again. Don't judge, only the pouch can.

2502 Blackmon Dr
Suite 830
Decatur, GA 30033
www.thaiexpressfood.com