Whiskey Bird

We all know that Timone's 'ZA was awful and the demise of that place was not missed by many, ok, maybe except for the hobos that lived fat on the uneaten leftovers that were tossed into the dumpster in disgust. This space was like the red-headed stepchild of the angry chef's empire... It sat empty for a shit long time and no one wanted to buy that pizza concept or take a chance in this cursed space... Until now. Whiskey Bird? I like the name already... I have been waiting for a whiskey joint that served fried cheekan forever. All my wildest dreams were coming true and I didn't even vote for Pedro... That was until I looked over the menu and the first thing that came to mind was... What the fuck is a Hong Kong slider? So, this place is a yakitori joint that is not owned or operated by Asians... O-kaay. This is the strangest roundeye concept this town has ever seen... And I thought the Real Chow Baby was bad... That might be the only time when it's ok to throw the baby out with the bathwater. But I'll still bite... Because there's whiskey and HK fwied cheekan sliders... I was so curious to know what these were since I have never seen them in Hong Kong... Am I missing out on something amazing here?
As usual, the early opening hype gave this new spot a nice buzz with the curious crowds... The bar is average size but the whiskey selection was weak. With a name like that you better bring your A game to the whiskey list and the prices for a pour was a bit overpriced but it was Morningside after all... There's a lot of suckaz to be had. Speaking of suckaz, I got in line and waited around just like an average nobody... Get to live the rest of my visit here like a schnook. Then a spot opened up at the bar and I was a couple feet closer to the party liquors. Just give me a shot of whiskey and a beer and I'll be happy for a bit while I peruse the one page menu. They got a couple of large plates, salads and green stuff but the real draw here was the yakitori and HK sliders... Let's see what kinda mess I can get into here...

Fried Chicken, dill pickle, wb sauce. So, the HK slider was a Chinese steam bun cut in half... Grilling it kinda defeat the purpose of a steamed bun. It became dry, crunchy and hard to chew... As if it was nuked for too long. Tearing it apart with my tooth proved challenging but the fried chicken tender nugget was crispy, seasoned well and pretty tasty overall. The wb sauce was nothing special, basically a sriracha mayo type deal. $6 for a basic fried boneless tender and the dry grilled steam bun does not work in this format. How do you make fried chicken that the pouch won't get again... By calling it a Hong Kong slider with nothing from Hong Kong inside it.

Crispy (cod) Snapper, saltine crust, yuzu caper tartar. They were out of the snapper so they substituted cod in place, not a big deal both fish have similar properties and texture... The young server/runner sprints it over from the pass piping hot which showed a little pep in her step and priority on her part until she spoke... Here's the Hawaiian Tuna she says. I started to laugh... How the fuck could you not? How do you even mix this up with a Hawaiian tuna let alone who the fuck would actually batter and deep fry a piece of tuna? Wait a minzies, am I in Ru San's? This doesn't look like the tempura tuna cream cheese roll I ordered... Or does it? I never had it. So, I tell her this is prolly the crispy cod slider and she's like oh yeah it doesn't look very Hawaiian... Just like this whole place doesn't look very yakitori. Jesus, do they actually interview the prospect before hiring them to interact with paying customers? You know what, I don't care, just keep shaking that tight little ass in those jeans. The cod was crispy as advertised with that saltine crust. Seasoned nicely but that damn crusty unchewable bun ruined it again. Why even waste money on those fancy bamboo sticks when everyone is gonna ditch the dried out bun and eat only the filler... Stop it with the HK slider gimmick, no one is buying it.
 

Al Pastor, braised pork, grilled pineapple salsa, cream. The same sweet young thing server delivers it and says, here's the Peruvian chicken taco... That's twice, now... And I'm thinking to myself, OMG, the amount of material I will have for this post is comedic gold. You can't pay for beat off material like this. I totally wished that I was in that same training meeting with her. I guess anyone could mistake this shredded pork for chicken... I tell her this is prolly the al pastor and she's like are you sure? I didn't have the time nor the energy to engage in a battle of wits with this sexy mental midget, so, I just let it go into serenity now mode and told her, you're right it's totally the Peruvian Cuy... She says I hope you enjoy it. I'm thinking I might need to marry this girl, now, cus she will believe anything you tell her. The taco shell is like a deep fried dumpling skin. The blistering on the shell was pretty much a dead give away. It was a bit too crispy for me as taco shell, it didn't crack or break apart easily, so you kinda struggle with it and the meat filler starts falling out like an old man's sack in short shorts. The al pastor was just ok, it needed more Latino flavor if you're gonna call it an al pastor. The taco was totally edible but it was such a gimmick that once is kinda more than enough. It's nothing that you will be craving the next day to have again.

Hawaiian Tuna, cucumber, mango, avocado cream. I'm waiting for her to open her mouth to see what new undiscovered species I will be noshing on in this taco... She's like I'm pretty sure this is the Hawaiian salmon taco. Pouch, just let it go, let it go... Why yes it is, you are on a roll, little lady! This was one tasteless tuna, how could it be with all that stuff in there... And now, that taco shell is like biting into a CD. Maybe they should just get rid of the plastic shell and put the tuna mix in a rice bowl and add another gimmick on the menu, the salmon poke bowl. My future ex-wife will love telling people about it.
I had enough of these tacos... Let's see if the yakitori is any better...

Sweet Potato, wb sauce, fresh herbs. That damn wb sauce again! Haha, look at that napa cabbage bed, so ridiculous... Looked like it came from a compost bin. Those are the smallest sweet taters I have ever seen. They are the size of my thumb... Does the rule of thumb apply here? Because I want to beat them like a mangy mutt with this stick of midget dicks. This was so average that it actually made my brain numb from the lackluster flavor... I drink and I know things.

Sticky Soy Chicken, roasted garlic, miso. If she tells me that this is tuna again, I will have to run her down in the back alley and make her call me big poucha... Throw your hands in the air, if yous a true player... All I wanna throw in the air was that damn napa shards. C'mon, who's really gonna eat that cabbage. Just plate the sticks on some nice paper or doilies. The chicken nuggets were neither sticky or soy-ey. They tasted like they were dunked in soy sauce and then put on the grill without brushing them any further. There was no sugar content to caramelize them or make them sticky. These were just some plain old chicken bits on a stick. I don't know what that blob was but I assume it was the roasted garlic miso... Or phlegm. This whole thing was so boring that it should be under the kiddie menu.

Charred Octopus, chinese sausage, yuzu kosho aioli. Jesus, I have no words for this specimen... But they did give me extra silly cabbage strings to distract me from focusing on that octopus. Did the octopus use it's defense mechanism to hide itself within an ink cloud... The octopus was small (maybe one and half bites) and over-cooked with excessive char that made it bitter and rubbery....That's exactly what I wanted, to chew on something black and bitter for an extended period of time without protection... Now, I know how Ted Danson felt. Whoopi (like the octopus) is not a looker... But she has boned so many people in Hollywood that you would think she was a hook... Nevermind. I'm so done with sad overpriced pussy... I know I will be crying myself to sleep again tonight.

Pork Belly, ponzu brown butter, asparagus, pearl onion. Look at that mess... And more napa cabbage pubes. Scraped everything off the stick and within that mess led to some tasty pork belly. If it wasn't for the thick layer on fat on it, this too would have been as dried out as everything else on a stick. But it was pretty decent and most importantly it was edible... Except for that green shit. God, you really can't fuck up pork belly no matter how bad your cooking skills are.

There is really nothing Asian about the food... When I hear the word yakitori, I think of exotic meats and offal on a stick like in a back alley izakaya... But all I got was gringorized grub with hints of Asian taint on it. I really wished the menu was better developed, sourced and executed here because it coulda been a really cool concept if it was done right. I'm still mad about the lame ass selection of whiskey they had... That prolly made the food even more disappointing... Wait, I don't think any amount of brown juice coulda made it tasted any better.
I want to like this place because the staff was pretty nice overall but it really needs to revamp the entire menu and make things that represent yakitori better. Or better yet, make this more of a primary drinking establishment with the food as a secondary focus to keep the people here and drink more... Like at a real yakitori-ya/izakaya joint. For now, I'll wait until they get their shit together...

1409-D North Highland Avenue NE
Atlanta, GA 30306
https://eatwhiskeybird.com/

Morningside Kitchen Restaurant

Rosebud was a neighborhood resto that succeeded because they had the vibe and energy to bring the locals in... They also had a brief PR shtick with the angry chef/owner who destroyed his paying customers on Twitter about the way they looked or what stupid shit they asked for. It's funny to a point but when you're the owner, that might come back and bite you in the lard ass later on... Their success and enthusiasm led to opening The Family Dog across the street, it had a good concept but the execution was sloppy. But their ego and zeal didn't stop them from over estimating and over extending themselves to opening more and more restos... Timone's put out disgraceful NY style 'ZA and Diner dished out ghastly NY style diner fare. And when the customers and money ran out... So, did their ego and chutzpah. They all quietly shut down one by one and sold off what they could... And then crawled into a corner and cried themselves to sleep... Sounds like a normal weekend for the pouch... God, my life is pathetic when it's put down in words.
With primo locations ripe for the pickin', the old Rosebud space has now become another local neighborhood inspired joint... It was a no brainer for the Murphy's crew to open up shop quickly in an already built out space. The interior layout has remained mostly the same, just a little facelift was all that was needed to erase all remnants of the previous failed business. A couple of friends raved about how good it was, then I looked at the menu... Meh. I was in no rush for a menu that pretty much consisted of standard and generic dishes found anywhere.
Weeks passed and I guess it was time to see what all the fuss was about... I walked in around 9:30 on a recent Friday night thinking that it would be jamming with aging hookers drinking shitty white wine and crying into their wine glass at the bar but to my surprise it was nearly empty... Good, I scored an easy seat at the bar. The server tells me that the kitchen closes at 9:40 but the bar will stay open to 11... What? Come again? The kitchen will shut down in 10 minzies so put in an order if you want food. What the fuck is this malarkey? What resto breaks down the kitchen at 9:40 on a Friday night? Did I walk into a Panera or some shit? And why at 9:40? Is that some resto code that I have never heard of? Since, I already knew the menu, I just put in a few classic dishes that they just can't fuck up... But since, the kitchen crew is scratching their sweaty balls to get the fuck outta dodge in 10 minzies, this might get interesting... Let the fucking hunger games begin.

Jumbo Lump Crab Cake, Bread & Butter Pickle, Remoulade, Shaved Spring Radish Salad. For a ridiculous $18 price tag, that crab better had just crawled into the boat that morning. The crab cake was pretty large so it didn't make me feel like I had been bamboozled. There was a decent amount of lump crab meat in there and not a lot of filler and fluff. It was seasoned well and it had a nice golden brown sear... But I don't know if that was remoulade or someone hocked a loogie next to it. The B&B pickles were MIA.. Unless they were inside the crab cake. While it was pretty good overall, it was still priced a bit higher than it really should be. Decent start, though...

Beef Tartare, Beet Carpaccio, Potato Chips. What the fuck is that... Pink slime? It's like the cow did a farmer's blow on that plate. Is that a freshly plucked eyeball next to it? Why on earth would you put a poached egg on there... Did they get confused with brunch? The meat was unnaturally pink and mushy like finely ground chuck from a plastic tube or a tub of Play-Doh. There was no texture to it, it was more like a spread. So, what do you do with the poached egg? You naturally mix it in and turn it into a clump of gooey meat mash, of course... A mistake that you will prolly regret later on the throne. Let's turn this around to the other side, it might look more appetizing...

Nope, it didn't help. Is thinly sliced boiled beets really considered carpaccio? They were ok but unseasoned. The chips were wonderful, though... The use of fingerling taters is just so adorable and cute... Too bad they break apart too easily when you try to spread on some of that meat spackle. I almost wanted to send that meat puck back to the kitchen to cremate it and spread the ashes in the Chattahoochee. I had no clue what kinda of cut they used for this tartare, it was just too pulverized to even try to guess. I don't mind spending $16 for a nice tartare but I could plate the same exact dish twice with a tube of 80/20 ground beef at Kroger for $2.49.

Wood Grilled Hanger Steak, Tricolor Carrots, Spring Onions, Jerusalem Artichokes, Red Wine Butter. This is like one of the most routinely executed dish on every menu across the nation... There's no way they can fuck this up. It looked good at first glance, like literally seeing something from the corner of your eyeball, then you turn your head fully to see the whole picture... All I could imagine was the dude from The Scream. I almost did a Home Alone when I saw the sauce... Was someone giving blood back there? It almost looked like a melted Cherry Garcia ice cream sauce. That's what happens when you use too much wine and too little weak ass stock/demi-glace. Besides the amateur sauce, the steak itself was cooked pretty much spot on at mid rare. Some will say it was too raw, you don't know what raw is until a great dane dry humps you from behind... Nevermind, that's another story. But why would you hack it up like that after grilling a beautiful piece of manmeat? It's fucking baffling... And it was a hideous presentation. Were they in such a rush to get the fuck outta there that they just used a hatchet? Looking at it now, it really does resemble a hatchet wound, someone get some Neosporin, STAT... Ooof, it almost looked like a girl I dated once... Talk about a raw beaver, woof. All the root veggies were good, a nice variety of colors and textures. Clean up the sauce and the presentation a bit and this would be a top seller.

Kale and Wild Mushroom Risotto, Arugula Pesto. What the fuck is this? Did someone with bad allergies blow their nose on a plate in the kitchen? It's like a mix of boil in a bag rice and Alien saliva... It's a wonder how this didn't burn through the plate... Because it's burning the fuck outta my eyeballs. This was absolutely horrifying and mystifying... Look at this gruel, even Oliver Twist wouldn't ask for more. Did they finger paint on the pesto... Don't touch it, the fingerprints are evidence. How can they put this on the menu and charge money for this... It's obscene. No one can look at this and tell you with a straight face that this looks appetizing... Even on Bizarro world. I took two bites... Once to see if I was dreaming and the other to confirm I was awake. It had the texture of wet rice crispies and it was amazingly bland. The few bits of wild shrooms were good but that was about it on this entire dish. The pesto was exactly not what you want with this 'risotto'... If you mixed this all up you can put it in a bucket and use it for the next episode of Double Dare. Needless to say this was pushed off the table.

The food was pretty much a letdown, the service was decent but the green bartender/millennial had no business being behind the bar. She poured a pre-made draft Old Fashioned and it came up to 1/4 of the glass with a giant ice cube in there... Imagine if there was no ice in there, you might as well just pump a few squirts of the OF from a spray bottle into my mouth and call it day. It was like pulling teeth to get her to fill it halfway and that was even short. Jesus, you're not even making the fucking cocktail (thank god)... But learn how to pour one at least. She was very sweet, though... Innocent and clueless at the same time. She took off the risotto with no fuss but was still trying to sell it like it was Guy Fieri's gift to the world... But then finally admitting that her boyfriend hated it, too. Talking to her was like talking to a vintage cigarette machine, there's lots of knobs and buttons to pull and push on but what comes out may be hazardous to your health. Will this joint be a beloved neighborhood joint? I would think prolly so because there's not much else around walking distance here. And with the Murphy's name attached to this place, they will do fine without the pouch... Just don't open a pizzeria any time soon... Or a diner... Then the pouch will have to get medieval on your ass.

1397 North Highland Avenue NE
Atlanta, GA 30306
http://www.morningside-kitchen.com/

B's Cracklin' BBQ

I know my one reader has been clamoring and cursing the pouch to write this shit up... Patience my young pouchawan eater... You'll get nothing and like it. I'll get to it when I get to it... Because when you're a fat fucking marsupial sloth, moving quickly is something that the pouch doesn't do well... That is a luxury only skinny people in Lululemon yoga pants can afford. Plus, this place is in the armpit of Atlanta called the westside. I have to plan this journey like 8 days in advance to this BBQ pit... Based on the reviews, this joint seems to be like a pilgrimage of sorts to the Mecca of smoked manmeats. Basically, everyone has been licking their taint since they opened... Like the useless stretch of skin that the taint is, this BBQ joint is also located on a useless stretch of road that produces an undesirable odor until you pull into their driveway with a cloud of hickory smoke that surrounds you like your grandma's bloomers. The glowing reviews are a good sign that this place is legit but after talking to some BBQ enthusiasts, I will remain neutral until I have tasted the goods.
Walked in and the first thing I got was a big puff of smoke like I was on the set of Friday 4... Puff puff give, Smokey... Shit, if this is gonna be that kinda party, I'm gonna stick my dick in the mashed potatoes! The heavy whiff of smoke was a real good sign of what the product could be... I was getting a major blood flow. Could all these rave reviews be spot on? Who the fuck knows, but I don't trust shit until that shit is in my mouth... Wait, that didn't come out right. Sat at the bar like the fat hooker that I am... Demanding meat to be rammed inside my facehole and pouch. Let's see if their smoked meats are certified, smokified or borderline certifiable.

Peach Mustard, Spicy Vinegar Sauce and the red ketchup bottle is their regular BBQ sauce. They were ok, but I don't really use sauce anyways.

Fried Pickles. Beautiful golden brown color, crispy and crunchy and they were pickled spot on. They were pretty good and kinda addictive until the manmeat sampler came out... Then they were reduced to a red-headed stepchild and forgotten.

Sampler Plate, pork, chicken, ribs, brisket ($4 up charge), mac & cheez, hash & rice, Cracklin cornbread. This was giving me the meat sweats already without even taking a bite... It's a raining manmeat up in this piece. The one day out of the year I wished I wore underpants. My taint was getting moist from these gorgeous looking smoked manmeat. And smoked they were, properly done and pretty tender throughout. The ribs had a nice thin bark on it and the pink smoke ring said it all.. They were teeth pulled off the bone tender but a tad bit dry, as much as I didn't want to I had to use a little sauce to lube it a bit down my gullet. The chicken was smoked and seasoned nicely as well but it was also a tad bit dry... Let's face it, no one really orders the chicken at BBQ joints like this, it's all about the ribs, brisket and pork. The pulled pork was a mix of new and old meat shreds, some were moist and tender while others were stringy and dry and even a bit off on the color... I'm not surprised that they would mix it up but I would have used the older stuff for stews or what not. Speaking of which I was kinda disappointed that they didn't have Brunswick stew... The mac n cheez was not filled with gooey goodness, it was kinda dry and tasteless, the hash and rice was something a little different than what you see on most BBQ menus. It was like a dry Brunswick stew (hash) on top of rice, not bad at all but not something I would order again. I shoulda prolly stuck with the beans and greens. The Cracklin' cornbread was like a flapjack with slivers of pig ears in it... They were hard as fuck to chew and after a few bites I was over it... It mighta been better with bits of crunchy pork rinds/skins in there for that "Cracklin'" factor, maybe they shoulda called it "Chewin' cornbwead" instead. Last but not least... The brisket, well, I'll let the pouch tell y'all about it next...

Brisket, up close and personal. Very smokey, nice bark, a faint smoke ring and pretty tender overall. They coulda trimmed the fat a little bit more at certain spots because they just didn't fully render but it didn't affect the overall end product. The brisket was pretty good but it was also a tad bit dry... Nothing that a little spicy vinegar sauce couldn't fix. But I was wondering what did they do with the drippings... I mean that juice is like the holiest of holy and I love juice from any hole. Any meat dipped or soaked in it's own drippings can turn a regular old piece of meat flap into an amazing piece of man meat. I wished they did that with the brisket and the other meats as well. It wasn't bad in any way, shape or form... It was a very nice specimen of what a smoked brisket should be but all I can think of was how much better it woulda been with the drippings.

Banana Pudding. If they got it on the menu, it's going into my snout... There's something magical about washing down all that manmeat with a proper banana puddin' rogering... And they did not disappoint. This was a creamy gooey banana pudding with the correct amount of nilla wafers incorporated just right, not too much and not too little, they were also just spot on with the softness of the wafers in there. It's a nice banana pudding... But I gotta say Community Q's BP might still be the best one in the city.

The BBQ here is legit and the service was surprisingly good, it's a great addition to the 'cue scene in this city which is getting better and better every year... But there's still only a handful of time tested BBQ joints that will end up on my regular rotation... This joint is on the bottom of that list which is not bad only because of the shitty location and the meats didn't hit it outta da park for the pouch on this visit. There's no doubt that they know what they are doing and the quality is there, you can smell, see and taste it... I will be back again but next time I will go earlier for the fresher meats that just came out of the smoker. I will report back and hopefully, next time, it will blow my mind... Then I'm going around the corner to get my other brain blown... Zippp... Slap slap squirt.

2061 Main St NW
Atlanta, GA 30318
http://www.bscracklinbbq.com/ 

Smokehouse Pizza

I have been seeing this goddamn Little Caesar's commercial for what seems like months if not years... What the fuck is this shit? I have never eaten a Little Caesar's pizza, ever... Never seemed like a good idea like flying a kite during an electrical storm with your manhood tied to the end of a string with a key dangling off of it as an experiment. This post is almost as absurd as this fucking mook on their new smokehouse 'ZA commercial but I gotta admit, it makes me laugh every time... I mean who the fuck is Big Moe Cason? Is he related to Big Toe Hulka? He's like a pitbull in overalls barking out shit behind a chain linked fence when a sassy poodle walks by... Certified, beefified! Certified, hogafied! Certified, baconfied!  Blah blah blah... It's like a yappy little chihuahua, makes you want to punt it off a bridge or something. Seriously, how fucking annoying is that douche nozzle... And exactly at that moment the fucking commercial comes on... Right on cue. This thing is insane, it looks so ridiculous.
I said to my pannus, we are not gonna eat that thing... Anyone that does should be considered borderline certifiable. Jesus, I may need to go back to my OS (Obesity Society) meetings again... Hello. My name is Flappy Pouchburger. My friends call me Pouch. You might have noticed that, uh, I've got a slight weight problem. Yeah, yeah I do. Yeah, I do. I went to this doctor. Well, he told me I swallowed a lot of aggression... along with a lot of pizzas!
Speaking of 'ZA... They claim that their new smokehouse pizza contains 8 hour smoked brisket, 10 hour smoked pulled pork and applewood smoked bacon, drizzled with tangy BBQ sauce plus a smokehouse seasoned crust... Certified, smokified!
Jesus, this is the stupidest blog ever... Who reads this shit? Anyone with any common sense just close this tab down, now, before you get cursed. God, I'm such a fucking loser and a failure in life... I can't even run to the mailbox without wheezing. Calgon, take me the fuck away... But then I realized that the pouch has never refused a gastronomical challenge, it has also never let my one reader down... And the pouch ain't gonna start now with this silly creasture. I will accept Little Caesar's heinous monstrous diabolical challenge... 9 for all pouchkind. Yes, this beast was $9... I am so fucked. I can already feel the IBS brewing in the depths of my offal.

Look at this beelzebub... How the fuck do they get it so perfectly round? I mean it's like a perfect circle... Scientists can use this to calibrate their instruments. Why is this spinning? The more I stare at it, the more it looks like it's moving. That is some real Jigsaw horror shit right there... There better not be a doll on a bicycle behind me... Imma skeered. Does it look like someone puked on it? I can't tell... It's like a trailer park version of Jackson Pollock. So many questions.. So little answers.

Close up of the incubus... I'm waiting for it to crawl out of the box. Look closely, it really does have almost three types of mystery meats on there... Give it a few jolts from a 9 volt, test it on your tongue first, it may come back to life. I don't think I have ever waited this long to put something in my facehole... It's fucking scary, yo. I broke a slice off and my fingers were instantly full of grease... Jesus, did they bake this in an old Datsun's oil pan? Why is it so friggin greasy? Still so many questions... I'm gonna have to bite the bullet sooner or later... I'm just waiting to make sure it's fully dead, not mostly dead, but fully dead. Ok, I'm gonna take a bite now... Gonna. Take. A. Bite. Now... Holy shit, it's not bad at all. What the fuck is this? Some type of sorcery? Who baked this 'ZA, Merlin? Took another bite... Why does this taste good to me all of the sudden? Before I knew it, I inhaled 3 slices... I ate 3 slices and don't remember tasting a goddamn thing. And how did 3 hours gone by so fast and now the box is totally empty... And I'm still hungry, WTF? This is crazy, this is crazy, this is crazy... Now, I feel like jumping into a pool, nekid and ordering a cheeseburger. Oh, wait, it was 4/20 wasn't it? Goddamn it, my taste buds got bamboozled again by that Sativa! I tell ya what, this smokehouse 'ZA, is a gift from god for any cannabis enthusiast... Stay lifted, y'all.

Chili's

After working for 13 hours on a Friday and getting home at 9pm... Sometimes, you just don't want to do jack shit except guzzle a gallon of party liquor and rail a 8 ball to get your groove back... And that's exactly what I did. I kept drankin' and opening different bottles of whiskey and was procrastinating big time on where to eat dinnah. By the time I checked the clock it was after 10pm and many places were breaking down the kitchen already... While I was breaking out the yey. This reduces my options to only a handful of joints in my hood because I didn't want to drive that far for some grub since I was kinda sauced up. Then my uncle called to ask me about some new BBQ joint on the westside and if I ever had the ribs there... That fat bastard fucking loves his ribs. I'm like no, tio, I haven't tried their ribs yet and then he starts singing softly... "I want my baby back baby back baby back ribs... Chili's baby back ribs... BBQ sauce." and click, that mofo hung up just like that. Now, that song will be stuck on repeat in my fat body for the rest of the night... Shit, come to think of it, I have never been to a Chili's. They didn't have that shit in NYC growing up... Do they even have them ITP? It's such a OTP kinda chain joint... Wait, there's one in Lindbergh but fuck that noise, I ain't going anywhere near Wet Willies on a friday night. Let me ask my cybernetic life partner... Alexa, is there a Chili's dump near me? Look in your underpants that whore replies... Touche touche you AI skank... I'm gonna give you a proper rogering later. Come to think of it, there's one in Toco Hills next to the Outback that's open late and not a slutty rainbow slushy frozen drink spot anywhere in sight but there's usually a bunch of little floozies in cheerleading rags licking on the head of their ice cream cones at Bruster's which is hidden in the woods behind Chili's... How fucking convenient. No wonder why their boyfriends bring them here- dense foliage, high skirts, gaudy lipstick, edible undies, dun and dunzo. Fuck, I can't believe I'm going to this joint, I have maintained to stay away for this long, I'm talking decades... But I will, no, I must go and report back for my one reader. And mostly because I'm buzzed off my ass and hungry as fuck right now.
Walked in for first time ever... Ok, this doesn't look that bad... If it was still 1988. Jesus, look at this place... I shoulda worn my acid washed jeans and tight roll those fuckers. It really does look like the commercials from the 90's and the waitresses... Woof. Sat at a booth, they got these tablets you can order from, how modern... I have no clue how to use these except to order drinks, out of all the things on this fucking gadget, I figure out how to get booze... Only if I could get booze out of a stone I would be set for life... But I'm not that lucky. Well, since I'm already here, let's just get it over with... Ooo, the cocktails are really cheap here... Fuck yeah, let's go...

Whiskey Ginger... For 3-fucking-$'s. C'mon, you can't twang your wang for cheaper... Just don't tell them you're Jewish, ok, fine. Speaking of cheap, I have no clue what kinda whiskey they were using but the server said, it's something like Mistor Bourbon.You can't even Google that shit, it's that exclusive or is that elusive... Who cares where it's from, for 3 clams, I'll drink it even if it had a beard on it... Hairy clam is back in style if y'all didn't know. Hey, sweetheart, bring me a cocktail every 10 minutes, if I pass out bring one out every 15 minutes, ok? I'm gonna get fucking lit tonight...

Triple Dipper. Fried pickles, chicken crispers, big mouth bites. This might be the biggest redneck sampler I have ever seen... It's like a buffet at a trailer park... And I'm totally digging it. It was so trashy, I friggin loved it... Totally fits the decor in here. I love how they don't even separate the slider buns, they just basically cooked one rectangular piece of ground beef and slapped it on there, you have to tear it apart like a savage in Deliverance... Squeal like a pig I say! They were nothing special, just plain old mini burgers. The fried pickles were pretty damn decent,though, did I just say that out loud? Fuck it, they were and the triple dipping sauces were not disgusting either, didn't find any nose hairs or flies in there, yay! The chicken tenders were crunchy as fuck but they were kinda dry because they were so skinny... Not terrible just pretty much as expected. This low rent deal-a-meal sampler was actually edible... Almost baffling.

Ultimate Smokehouse Combo. Sounds beefy doesn't it... It almost makes me wanna say "certified, beefified!" I did the $2 up charge for the half rack of house-smoked baby back ribs because that's what my fat bastard uncle would do... And I also wanted to see what all the fuss was about on their famous baby back baby back baby back ribs. This also came with the new smoked bone-In BBQ chicken breast, new jalapeño-cheddar smoked sausage new roasted street corn, homestyle fries, chile-garlic toast and house-made garlic dill pickles. Let's get right to the ribs... They are just covered with BBQ sauce. I get it, that's the only way to hide the reheating technique of the pre-fabbed ribs... Just open the vacuum packed bag, nuke it for a few seconds and toss it on the grill for a little charring and bathe it in sauce... "Certified, grillified!" The shit was so sweet and cloying that after six $3 cocktails didn't even cut through that HFCS wall. The meat was pretty tender though... But that's because it was prolly pre-boiled at the commissary. I have no clue why there's all the fuss about these riblets... It's basically a large bone-in McRib minus the bun. The chicken and sausage was pretty much plebeian spec. The street corn was actually pretty good and the fries were there as a plate filler to give it mass. For under $20, I guess it's worth trying at least once in this measly life. I don't know how they managed to sell this shit for as long as they have and make money doing it... Oh, wait, nevermind... I just remembered where I was. I blacked out for a minzie there. 

I'm glad to find out once and for all that I was missing absolutely nothing in my life with this place and the grub they're slinging... But I tell y'all what... Those fucking $3 cocktails could lure me back to the bar in here... Most likely with a skank that I picked up at Bruster's. C'mon, mama pouch taught me you gotta treat a lady pouchette right with a nice dinnah if you want some action Jackson afterwards... Then you can slay it six ways to Sunday in the foliage behind Bruster's. Now, that's a classy move right there... Eating here on a regular basis, not so much.

Royal Myanmar Cuisine

There is no shortage of ethnic cuisine on Buford Highway... That long stretch of road is basically a third world country with unlimited amount of ethnic grub that can be had... If you're lucky you might even find an UXO buried along the way as a souvenir. Everyone's been to all the main players on this stretch- Chinese, Taiwanese, Korean, Vietnamese, Malaysian, Indonesian, Mediterranean, El Salvadorian, Mexican, Bangladeshi, Indian... It's like the fucking United Nations. But a very not well known cuisine has been under-represented in this pretty diverse area that has exploded with more and more options in recent years... Ironically, you're not gonna find strictly Burmese cuisine on Bufo Hwy, but you can get it in the refugee haven of Clarkston. What's that... Where the fuck is Clarkston, you ask? Well, it's the same place where you will find the most sophisticated and world-class dancers performing their repertoire to the hottest new music in the most state-of-the-art and luxurious high-class club where discriminating gentlemen and couples can slip away into fantasyland... At the motherfucking world famous, Strokers! But we will not be eating there on this post or any other post... We're gonna be dining with royalty tonight... Because that's how I roll... And hopefully, I will roll out the door after consuming mass amounts of Burmese vittles. Let's see if we will feast like kings in this ex-hot winglanta joint... The funny thing is that they have wings on the menu, I bet they bought that inventory up for dirt cheap from the previous failure.
The place was dead except for a goofy roundeye couple in the corner table... He was wearing tube socks with mandals and his counterpart had on a moo-moo (sun tarps are so hot right now).... And then all of the sudden a kid pops out from underneath her stylish tarpaulin... It scared the shit outta me, literally, I think I was touching cotton. Grabbed a table and waited and waited... A little girl comes out from behind the counter and brings over some menus... She was like 3 apples high. How many more fucking little kids are gonna start popping out from nowhere? It's like a fucking sweatshop in Burma... But y'all know what that means... The grub will be crazy authentic. The pouch was excited like a peeping turtle.
Then the chef/owner dude comes out to take the order, he was super nice but could barely understand him... Ordered up the palata right away. He comes back 3 minzies later and says we are not making them right now, only for breakfast. I'm like what the fuck dude... Why couldn't you tell me this earlier? You're the cook and that was like the wackiest excuse to not make them. Then I said, let's get the eggrolls then... He says, that's breakfast food, too. We don't have any for dinner. At this point, I'm thinking maybe I shoulda ate at Strokers, instead... Because this joint smelled and looked just like the VIP room but at least I'll be popping bottles and models over there. I basically gave up and just ordered whatever he had available or was willing to make... I think y'all know how this will end...

 

Buu Thee Gyaw. What did you just call me? Oh, this is a bottle gourd tempura with tamarind sauce... Gotcha. Look at this sad display basket... I have seen better plating at Captain D's with their fish sticks and they give you fries also... All I got was this wack ass tamarind sauce that was more like Mae Ploy straight from the bottle and a few leaves of lettuce. The fried gourd was bland, I'm talking totally unseasoned... It coulda been a sliced up Nerf football tempura battered and fried and I wouldn't even known the difference. Weak start.

Lah Pet Thoke. Tea leaf salad- pickled tea leaves, fried peas, garlic, sesame seeds, peanuts, yellow dal and cabbage... Oh, it also comes with rice. This was the dish that I was most interested in to test their background. It was only decent tasting. It just seemed so rushed and the layers of flavor didn't compliment each other the way it should. Mixed it up and let it sit for a bit, still didn't make any noticeable difference except for the pool of oil at the bottom of the plate. I had high hopes for this dish with it's mixed textures and flavors, but it lacked the proper tea leaf fermentation and acidity to make this dish pop... They did top it off with a handful of small dry shrimp which was a nice touch. I don't know... Maybe I should come during breakfast for this dish like everything else.

Kyay Oh. Pork organ meats soup, vermicelli noodle, yu choy, tofu, quail eggs. Another classic simple comfy dish... It looked and smelled pretty decent but we all know looks and smells can be deceiving... Like at Strokers. The broth was light but flavorful enough to keep the pouch slurping for more. The ground pork was supposed to be offal but it tasted more like plain old ground pork than organ meat... The amount was kinda chintzy and the ragged wads looked freshly picked from the oinker's own snout. The quail eggs, vermicelli and greens were spot on. This noodle bowl was more like something you can make with the leftovers in your fridge than something you would pay for in a resto. It wasn't bad but the composition and execution was severely lacking. It also seemed rushed out without any care or attention to the details.

Fried Noodles. What in lord's name is this... Just open up your freezer and pull out a bag of Kroger mixed veggies, the precooked salad shrimp and chicken bits and a can of La Choy chow mein noodles... Throw all that shit in a wok and voila! This was not good on so many levels... I wouldn't even serve this to prisoners in solitary confinement. This was like something a college kid would make on a hot plate in the closet of a dorm room stoned out of his fucking mind. Jesus, I can't take it anymore, I can't even look at it... Send out some of that pickled tea leaves, I need to smoke something, anything to get high as a mofo. This was such an embarrassment... Maybe that's why they ain't on Buford Hwy.

I had such high hopes for this joint... And I really don't want to piss on them, but it was pretty much a shitshow dish after dish on this visit... Perhaps I ordered the wrong dishes but when the cook doesn't want to make it, you're kinda limited to what they can really do. I mean you gotta have something more than just a great back story behind your journey from refugee to becoming a small business/resto owner. We all love the rags to riches stories but the end product needs to be as good as you claim and it also needs to be available to paying customers. They seem like very nice, humble and hard working people but this visit was a total letdown... I have not written them off yet and if I ever get up early enough for breakfast on a weekend, I might stop by for that palata and eggrolls... Or I can just stumble in after Strokers closes.

1353 Brockett Rd
Clarkston, GA 30021

Magnolia Room Cafeteria

So, this place birthed from the demise of S&S Cafeteria... Like the phoenix rising out of the ashes of a hobo's dumpster fire under a bridge. The story goes a little something like this... A long time patron was so saddened by their closure because Kroger wanted to expand and millennialize their product mix into the S&S space that he said fuck this noise and opened up his own joint to honor it... And he also hired many of the ex-employees, too. I like his style but will the pouch like his moves in this southern buffet food clone in upstate Tucker... Only one way to find out... Jesus, why did Children of the Corn just started playing in my head movies?
As I was parking the fat mobile, I was mesmerized by the streams of Life Alert toting folks in second hand church gear and Dr. Scholl's footwear funneling into the front door like salmon going up stream to die... Shit, most of these people were not too far from it. I walked in and it was clean and sterile like a funeral home with a sprinkle of floral arrangements, turned the corner and hit the holy grail of steam tables... Come to think of it, some of the patrons wished they had the holy grail here to drink from. The menu is simple and to the point with the classic country noshery items. The Magnolia Plate with a drink for $8.50 is prolly your best bet to sample this middle school cafeteria style gruel. Well, naturally, I have to do two samplings because one deal a meal is just not enough beat off material if I was gonna be eating with the oldies.
Sliding the tray down the line on those metal rails reminded me of my days back at Faber college behind John Blutarsky... Boy, could that fat fuck eat. I could only aspire to his hunky physique and athleticism. The entire system here was efficient and moved quickly. After I got all the shit on the tray and turn the corner to the dining room... I thought I walked into a senior assisted living facility. Did I get on the wrong line? Fuck me, it was dead quiet... Except for the muffled sounds of Poligrip assisted mastication... You can't unhear that unearthly grinding. I grab a seat near the door just in case if there was fire, you do not want to get stuck in the middle of a geriatric stampede... Makes Pamplona look like a child's birthday party. They may move slow but they sure can eat the fuck outta some cafeteria vittles. The staff was ultra nice and they knew all the patrons by name as if they were registered senior caregivers... You can wipe my face but I'll pass on the sponge bath... Unless you turn off the lights and rub the pouch... It's the gas tank to my love machine. Enough of the pouch's sexual prowess, let's take a look at the gumable grub...

When people ask me if I want to do a line... I'm like, this is not the bathroom... The spread looks impressive at first but once you get up close and personal to the sneeze guard window pane, the items looked kinda worn out under all those heat lamps. Keep going down the line... The golden prize is near!

Fried Chicken, Turnip Greens, Broccoli Cheesy Rice. I get to the fried chicken and it looked pretty good. I ask the gal back there what pieces do you get with the Magnolia plate? She's like you will get a lot. I'm like, good mofo because I like cheekan. She gives me a breast quarter and a thigh. I'm like, I can work with that. I get the pre-checkout slip at the end of the line and I see an add-on for like $5, that's more than half the cost of the combo plate... I'm like what the fuck is this, yo? The guy is like you got a half a chicken there, fatty... No, super old dude, there's no leg on there. All I wanted was the Magnolia plate portion, so he takes the small thigh off. I'm like you were gonna charge me five fucking dollars for a pigeon thigh? Lord have mercy! And I got like 5 Amens in the background. Jesus is in da hizzy! For $8.50, the properly portioned Magnolia plate was more than enough food and you get free refills on sweet tea, prune juice or whatever. The fried chicken had a medium thick crust on there and it was quite crispy and the inside was moist and juicy. Not a bad fwied cheekan at all. The turnip greens were bland, unseasoned and tasted like soaked nori sheets. The broc cheezy rice was a lot better but mushy... I get it. All the sides are made to be easily slid into your mouth and swallowed... That's what Blanche Devereaux said. 

Chicken Pot Pie, Mac n Cheez, Corn. The cheekan pot pie is made in a giant hotel pan which was not surprising but there just ain't enough crust to go around with each order. They slop down a ton of the creamy filler but not enough crunchy crust which we all know is the best part of a pot pie or pan pie in this case. The filling was actually seasoned nicely, chunky and creamy. The mac n cheese was dry, almost powdery, and totally unseasoned... This was more like dry mac and cheese crumbles, awful... And this was supposed to be a southern joint? The corn mixture was a lot better and seasoned... Maybe they should just throw some cheese crumbles on top with a few squirts of mayo and dust it with cayenne and chili powder and call it a cobless elote... Since, you will never find a corn on the cob in this joint... Or else it will be just a room full of chattering teeth on the floor. The corn bread was acceptable, a little on the dense side but that's because it's been sitting under a heat lamp for lord knows how long.

It's nice that "Mr. Louis" with no prior resto industry experience opened up this joint to pay homage to the shuttered S&S cafe and to give the ex-employees a job so that they don't end up smoking crack under a bridge... But the food was really nothing special here, ok, maybe the fried chicken was pretty decent but this ain't no destination spot with or without said cheekan... They don't want to be. It's simple country cooking and it's cheap and it fills a niche within the blue hair crowd. It ain't hipster, trendy or gluten free... Even Yelpers aren't clawing all over themselves to be the first to review this joint... And that's the way they want this place to be and I'm ok with that... I prolly won't be back anytime soon in the next decade but it ain't gonna hurt their feelings or mine. Lord, bless the food on the table they're about to gum and their hearts.

4450 Hugh Howell Rd #10
Tucker, GA 30084
http://magnoliaroomtucker.com/