Arepa Mia

The last time I ate at this joint was in Sweet Auburn Market, that was many moons ago. So, now they have a spot next to Trackside... Is it me or has Trackside lost it's entire personality since moving into the new space? I don't know maybe some of the inbred townies still adore it because it's a place they can still hobble in for some cheap swill.

Ok, so let's take another look at the newish arepas et al... Besides the one table that fit normal size human beings, the wrap around counters are a bit small to maneuver more than 2 plates of food. This is Fat America, the land of the obeast. And I'm one of those plump specimens, so I always order more than I really should and juggling the food around with my fat arms and fingers usually lead to one place, either all over me or the floor. I found shrimp in my shirt once at a buffet. I did my best and didn't lose anything important.. I dropped a few sandpaper-like brown paper towels but that's to be expected. Imagine wiping your ass with that 100 grit shit... Latin food goes through me like water through a crack in the dam, fierce. Luckily, I have a fast tricycle to get home to my Charmin before the pouch implodes. Alright, let's get to work..

Domino Empanadas. Black beans, plantains and queso. These plump little fuckers are G U U D. Super crispy and hot tub balls boiling hot. This filling option is better than the meats because it stays really crispy and doesn't get soggy. That nata thinger tasted more like mayo vs. sour cream. The guasacaca cilantro sauce was kinda boring, but had great color, though. Time to break out the hot sauces...

Their 3 hot sauces were placed there just so there's something to squirt on things (I'm a big fan of squirting on things, inanimate or otherwise), the habanero sauce was too watery and not spicy enough, the Thai thing was ok (looked more spicy than it was) and the mild, just forgetitboutit. Those damn koozies were beggin to be five finga discounted but I made sure they stayed intact inside the building. Ok, I didn't have any pockets to put them in because I had on my Lulu yoga outfit.

Pabellon Cachapas. Shredded grass-fed beef, plantains, black beans and queso with cilantro sauce. Looks like a mess I left on my neighbor's walkway after the other night of binge drinking but this tasted like newborn unicorns and freshly made mini double rainbows. Most of the time when you see crap on a plate or in a bowl, that shit is usually pretty damn tasty.

Pernil Arepa."12 hour roasted River View Farms pork". It was pretty tender and juicy so any attempts to try to eat this like a sando will fail. Fork and knife time. The portion was pretty good even though this thing wasn't cheap. Looks like they are squirters, too, because those two sauces are on everything. No doubt the arepas are the stars here, if you want to eat it like a sandwich get something less messy for the filler.

The grub is still pretty good. I would vouch for them. I wished they did some lunch specials or a deal-a-meal thinger because if you want to try a few items that shit adds up and you end up with a lighter wallet and leaving with much fatter fingers, arms and pouch. Don't forget to pick up toilet paper on your way home. Squirt.

307 E. College Ave.
Decatur, GA30030
404-600-3509
http://www.arepamiaatlanta.com/

Le Bilboquet

They got balls to open up an "authentic" semi-upscale French Bistro in the new Buckhead Atlanta mall. They got real balls to think Atlanta will eat this shit up like NYC and their other locations. Atlanta knows French cuisine as much as German cuisine. Coming from a French culinary background, I'm gonna be looking at technique and ingredients. Can they pull this off in this town? You know, the fancy, fine-dining-esque service that this place is trying to present... But first, let's see if the valet can even pull off their lack of skill and logistics of parking cars. Why are there 8 valets standing around watching 1 valet park all the cars... Were they DOT workers in a previous career? 
So, will the Shake Shack palate crowd be able to appreciate the discerning tastes of classic French cooking? Probably not but let's take a looksie anyways...

Terrine de Foie Gras. Terrine looked nice but seriously, how low rent can you be with that shitty non buttered toasted slices of white bread... At least cut the fucking crust off. You kinda expected a better piece of bread but going the cheap rustic bistro vibe for the high price tag of this dish was a little insulting. The foie gras was smooth, rich and had a nice texture. The random jelly cubes were kinda chintzy that added no additional value to this. I know 10 year olds that could plate a nicer presentation with a slice of SPAM, Wonder bread and a squeezable bottle of Welch's grape jelly.

Moules Marinieres Frites. Classic recipe with white wine, shallots and garlic. A good portion of nice medium size mussels. The broth was quite nice as well, so, get enough bread to sop up the juice. The frites were thin cut and acceptable but I don't think it was double fried. Too many limp ones in the mix. Mussels are cheap as hell but paying top dollar for a well executed bowl is totally acceptable. Kinda.

Carpaccio de Boeuf. I know this ain't classic French but it's basically on every French menu in modern times.. So shut it. If this was made correctly (made to order), it would be a nice dish. But they prepped it like many others do in the industry. Pre-sliced, prearranged and then tossed into the cooler hours ahead waiting for an order to come in. As everyone knows, the thinly slice meat breaks down in integrity sitting around and it is impossible to peel a slice off the plate, it's more like scraping it off the plate that looks so unappetizing in a misshapen mass of meat trimmings. This was unseasoned as well, it had no taste whatsoever.. Even the flavorless pesto broke down, the exception was the parmesan. The food cost on this dish was like 1.89%, all profit. I got Jedi mind fucked again.

Bavette. In this case it's a hanger steak. A rather small narrow piece of meat that was difficult to attain a mid-rare temp... So they pour this shallot red wine reduction all over to cover it. The meat was a bit over cooked and a tad chewy at spots but it was acceptable. But on the other hand the haricots verts was under cooked and unseasoned. It was like they just shocked it for 5 secs in plain old unseasoned boiling water. I think they are allergic to butter or something. Watercress was just something to fill the plate up and that roasted tomato made me feel like Bozo the clown... Taken again.

Poulet Cajun. Their claim to fame dish. First off, there is nothing cajun about this. Even Popeyes laughs at this. It's just lightly seasoned broasted chicken. While it was moist and tender, there were no fireworks coming outta my ass from this. C'mon, blacken it a bit more... At least try to trick me a little. This batch of fries needed a second frying as well... I should have asked for extra crispy. Taco Mac does it for their wings, so this joint should with their fries, too. We also got a duck special of the night (no pic) which was just ok, maybe it was for the better that my one reader not be subjected to the visual of it... It was very brown.

Creme Brulee. The classic dessert. Let's see if they can execute this properly. The crackly sugar crust was ok, coulda used a little more torch. The custard was a little dense, not as creamy as it should be. Nothing special about this over priced snack.

Mousse au Chocolat. I think they forgot to fold in the whipped cream on top because that mousse was way too dense. A good mousse should be airy, fluffy, light, melts in your mouth... Well, you know how it should taste. I coulda put the $10 to better use at Carvel for an amazing Cookie Puss.

The space was clean (almost too sanitary in a hospital kinda way) and minimally decorated which didn't remind me of a French bistro. The service was good, they are well trained on the menu and specials. With their reputation, I expected a lot more from the kitchen on the other hand. The level of the execution and technique is on par with many other local casual restaurants but they also have a lot lower price tag. Nothing on this menu was fancy except the script font used. Buckhead Atlanta excels at selling the upscale concepts but the goods delivered was just plain average. Nothing I have had in this new mall left me craving for more or warrant another visit as of yet but there's still a few other new places to try. This place might get some attention in the beginning for the new and shiny factor but after everyone has tasted it they will be heading somewhere else for the next meal especially at this price point... Not to mention the totally inept valet out front. Attempts at classic French cuisine is a tough sell in this town.

3035 Peachtree Road
Atlanta, GA 30305
404-869-9944
http://lebilboquetatlanta.com/

Ladybird Grove and Mess Hall

This is the newest hangout spot for the hipster, metrosexual, lumbersexual, metrojack, Buckhead militia crowd, even their dogs hanging out on the deck with their cocks in flannel gear are fucking hipsters... This is just one big ambiguous orgy of social confusion. These goddamn millenials are fucking with my emotions, they're fragile. The joint is a little difficult to find if you don't know the area, ie: OTPers, so, it was kinda nice in the beginning with the intown crowd only.. But don't hold your breath for that to stay any longer. I like the space while residents around it complained about how long it took to build out. It's larger than you think looking in from the outside. The bar is decent size but it fills up quickly. When it gets back to spring/summer/cameltoe weather the patio will be the place to be for most people. I prefer the bar anyways. The campfire grub menu is a mix of stuff to nibble and share. There was a bit of shifting in the chef position in the beginning but I think it sorted out for the better. Let's take a quick peek of this lumberjack nosh...

Navajo Fry Bread. Tasted like a flat lumpy Krispy Kreme glazed doughnut with ham and honey. Not bad but for a $7 fried doughnut... I wanna see a bright "Hot Now" neon sign at least.

Crab Imperial. This must be the campfire version because it was gooey, oily and more like a thin queso dip with crab bits. This would be better if it was uni butter, I would put my dick in it. Bread was a bit hard but if you let the dip absorb into the bread it ain't so bad.

Hot Mushroom Skillet. This came out as promised. A good portion of shrooms with a poached egg. Decently executed with earthy flavor and toothy texture. Yep, I used toothy.. Again. All the bread in these small dishes were rock hard. I know they are toasted off earlier and held above a stove or something warm but when they get put out for service, they're pretty much difficult to eat unless you dip it in water or booze. It's a good way to avoid carbs, though.

Burger. Nice looking man meat between a pair of glossy buns... Preferred way to inhale this hog. The patty was cooked spot on but it needed seasoning, it was quite bland. The pickled veggie thingers were cute but really doesn't do much as a replacement for the standard issue of good ole American fries. A little fine tuning and this could be a worthy burga, they got the good ingredients.

Fluffernutter. A gooey tasty mess that's served in a paper bag with some loose chips. For people who love sweet shit, this is it. This is not healthy on any level but fun to try once in your life.

Farro and Farm Egg Bowl. For something that sounds kinda boring, it was surprisingly tasty. The double "poached egg" (don't know if this was a mistake or not) was a nice compliment to the faro and kale. Get that runny yolk all over, I know you wanna. This is my kinda campfire dish.

Beignets. Just having been recently to Cafe Du Monde for their beignets made these nice looking fried dough balls even harder to criticize. They were a little heavy and not as fluffy and airy. After eating just one ball it felt like you had a whole order of Cafe Du Monde's. It's a nice effort and I love that they were on the menu but this needs a lot more tweaking before I order it again.

There's a few other dishes that I wanted to try but were all sold out on multiple visits and one of them was the Hot Chicken... I can't resist ordering hot cheekan on any menu that I see anywhere, so hopefully it's a good sign that they were sold out. The Spatchcock Chicken dish looks interesting, too... The presentation is so over the top, the whole chicken is served on this giant wood tree trunk plank with all the accessories. This will be had on the next of many visits to come. I like the joint, it's easy going and the drinks are pretty decent... Which is really why you're here in the first place, the grub is just a nice addition to your boozing. Hopefully, the menu will evolve to something that fits the vibe and identity of the joint, it's a work in progress. Good people here, so don't fuck it up for the pouch.


684 John Wesley Dobbs Ave NE
Atlanta, GA 30312
404-458-6838
http://www.ladybirdatlanta.com/

Memphis Barbecue Co.

"World Champion Pitmaster Melissa Cookston invites you to come taste the flavors that have won 10 World Championships!"

Chains come up with catchy PR gimmicks to trick the stupid voting public like she is actually cooking here (ie: like Guy Fieri at his restos)... Take a peek into the kitchen and you will find the crew from Shenanigan's in Waiting. The expeditor actually looked like Dane Cook and one of the line cooks like Luiz Guzman. I did not see one person of the female persuasion back in the kitchen. The fact that this joint opened without much fanfare speaks volumes. Observing the front of the house staff is also a tell-tale sign of their business model. And by what I saw, this is gonna be a real interesting first and last visit. All you have to do is look at who's eating there and what they are ordering. It's a BBQ joint, why are there more burgers coming out than BBQ? Am I the only schmuck who ordered the BBQ? This hipster wannabe DJ looking specimen comes in and orders a burger at the bar without even looking at the menu. Either he knows something I don't know or he is just a millenial with no palate or clue of what they specialize in. So, I take a look at the menu to see what the fuss was about with the burgers... I scroll down and see a "Donut Burger" they describe this as "Heaven with American cheese"... Fuck me. It was over before it began was what I was thinking to myself.
I have no choice except to accept what's coming to me... "Thank you, sir, may I have another" was in repeat mode in my tiny brain while my ginormous pouch was attempting to shrink itself.

Pork Rinds. Server asks if we would like some on the house... Duh. You come to a BBQ joint to eat a lot of man meat, so why would I say no to some crunchy fried porky foreskin? It was a nice gesture and pretty tasty. Hopefully, the BBQ will be just as tasty.

Signature Mary. Their version of the Bloody Mary... Too bad the bartender did not know how to make one. I don't think she has even had one or heard of this drink before. It took 15 minzies watching her stumble to make this drink at an empty bar. She kept doing other things to avoid trying to make this drink. I don't usually ever complain about booze because I'm a hobo but this was undrinkable. I have no clue what she put in there but it tasted like llama piss and a raccoon on the rag. It was so thin and the 2 squirts of bloody mary mix she used was old, it had that expired taste to it. That old stick of celery looked like it was left over from a half eaten plate of wings from another customer. Besides the celery, what else is missing from this "bloody mary"... One can only count the ways. To rub that nasty dry rub salt around the rim to my open oral wounds is the ultimate insult. This is hands down the worst drink that I have ever had to still pay for in my miserable life. I know what I'll be doing when I get home... Crying myself to sleep once again.

Pitmasters Sampler. Spare ribs, pulled pork, sliced brisket, turnip greens, mac n cheese and cornbread. It actually looked decent. Yeah, and so does the plastic food in the windows at restaurants in Asia... I'm going all in or bust. The ribs were barely acceptable, tough to cut apart, a little chewy, thin dry rub, not much bark, light smoke flavor and they were not fall off the bone tender. The sliced brisket had some smoke ring to it but they were dry, no fat or bark. You have to sauce the shit out of them to get it down. The pulled pork were dried out like it's been sitting under a heat lamp for days. Found an end piece/tip with nice bark and crispies but only to have that dream crushed with a nice curly pube sticking out like a fucking flagpole waving victoriously at my defeat. Showed the bartender, she had a look like... "And this is my problem, how?". She did show it to the kitchen and they came out with a small monkey dish of extra pork. Oh, joy... Give me more of the same batch where that curly dwell and spawned. I ate it. The cornbread was burnt on the bottom and it was made days ago, hard as a rock. The turnip greens were finely chopped like something you find in the frozen aisle.. No way this was made fresh from scratch. The mac had that jar sauce consistency which means it wasn't good. The two BBQ sauces they have tasted exactly the same except one has more black pepper in it. For $24, this sampler was not expensive for the portion but as in life you get what you paid for.

This place wasn't even crowded and they were in the weeds... It wasn't a surprise. The staff has minimal training as evident by the lack of knowledge of the food and drink menu. The "managers" were all hanging out in the office laughing at something on the internet. There's no doubt the complacency of the management trickled down to the rest of the staff since no one gave two shits on the service, food execution nor the drinks. My advice is to stick with the beer and burger here... Even though I had none of that. I'm just going with the vibe of everyone else eating here. They obviously knew better than I did. This joint might last longer than it should because of the convenient location for workers during the weekday but it's definitely not a destination for those who are seeking quality BBQ. Seems like middling BBQ like this joint along with Smoke Ring and Smokebelly is the norm these days. When the free pork rinds are better than the paid items, you already know what the outcome will be. Where there's smoke... You better start pumping.

4764 Ashford Dunwoody Rd
Dunwoody, GA 30338
770-394-7427

http://memphisbbqco.com/ 

Drunken Vittles

The pouch doesn't drink much... At the work place. When I'm not negotiating million dollar deals for breakfast with my white knight, Harry Ellis, for Hans' detonators, I'm getting sloshed with a lot of brown juice. No, I'm not drinking out of the toilet like my dog... I'm talking about the nectar of the gods. I'm like a hobo and I like it all, bourbon, scotch, rye, vodka, coconut water, it's all the same in the darkness of my 360 sq ft. apartment like the one displayed in Ikea where I usually cry myself to sleep. But sometimes this bloated creasture muster up the courage to venture out for some sustenance, preferably at dusk.. And most likely after a shit load of cocktails. It's my mangina lubricant. Let's see what the pouch likes to stuff in it's hole(s).  

Wrecking Pub.

Classic Grilled Cheese. One of the best drunk food besides Taco Bell slop. I don't recall what it tasted like but I'm sure it was ok since the plate was empty when the bartender took it away. I did find a french fry in my shirt when I got home.

Bone Marrow. Topped with beef cheeks. Who doesn't like to put their bone in some cheeks... Don't mind me, I was just cruising the interwebs and saw something similar. This tasty little morsel will definitely fill you up.. Or a cheap slut.

Chicken Liver Pate and Bone Marrow. This was a special one night. The best offal you can find on a piece of patio paver... Unless it was that dead rat I found one day getting it's innards eaten by insects. This walkway cuisine is pure excess.. Pate and marrow, only thing missing was uni. It's like something you find at Alinea. Good stuff.


Napoleon's.

Tacos. Yeah, I ordered tacos from a pub. It's usually a bad move but they had a Korean BBQ taco. I had to do it like a sucka. The other 2 were something like beef and cheekan. At least they let you mix and match. They individually wrap each taco in foil.. It's kinda smart to separate these tacos. Upon closer inspection of the 3 Mexican't hatchet woundwiches... They kinda reminded me of 3 cuckoo ex-girlfriends I had. Flour tortillas, steam tray filler ingredients, and tri-color tortilla chips with canned black beans and a teaspoon of watery salsa... Had a taste of each and had enough. Yep, as fake as my ex-girlfriends. Time to dump these "Hoses". Ok, it's not awful but when you're drunk this will taste like Kate Upton. Not that I know what she tastes like but I did see the leaked nekid pics and I would eat that shit up. Slurp.

Smoked Chicken Wangz. Sounded great on paper. Looked nice when it came out. The outer part was smokey for sho' but when you get to where the meat touches the bone.. It was game over. The wings were parboiled and then smoked. A lot of places do this but most people wouldn't even notice it sober but the pouch's awareness amplifies with booze... Especially with wangz.

Fried Okra. These work pretty well when getting fucking toasted. Fried shit that's semi good for you. I think okra is good for you. Who knows, who cares, just keep shoveling them in your dirty toothless hole. Dude, there was this movie called "Tooth", it was about vagina dentata.. Scary shit man, pass the fried okra.


Sapori di Napoli.

Arancini. Fried rice balls and booze is any girl's wet dream... And mine. I got one ball in each cheek like a chipmunk. I know a couple of ladies that can do the same while balancing another one on their chin, they are very talented but not so smart.

Salsiccia e Funghi. Any fatso loves pizza when they're drunk. I'm no exception. This joint makes some great Napoletana pies, I don't usually get toppings but fat people usually never say no to more food.

Margherita. The one 'ZA that I enjoy the most because of it's simplicity, amazing flavor, crust, char, sauce and cheese melt factors when it's done right.. And this place does it spot on. I ate nearly the whole thing and then stumbled over to Victory for a few Jack slushies and a Beast on Yeast... And no, I'm not talking about those two talented ladies with balls on their chins.


Nori Nori.

Most sushi buffets are scary but this joint I like a lot. It's my once a month slutty splurge. They turn over the fishy platters quickly so it never sits for a long length of time and it's pretty fresh and clean. They got this routine down to a science. I usually go after a night of heavy drinking, so I don't care if I fucking gorge myself until my buttons pop on my shirt and find shrimp tails down my pants later on. I may be low rent but this place isn't at all and accepts me for who I am... A slob.

I really am a fucking slob. This was just the appetizers. Burp.

Look at the size of that thing! ...That's what she said. I saw this in a porno once... This girl put it in her, eh, nevermind. I'm just gonna ram this in my face hole. This place is like a porn lab, it's rows and rows of deadly sins... They got it all right here and I am full of lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, pride, envy and wrath comes later on in the bathroom. My bowels are asking for forgiveness now. 


Tin Lizzy's.

Tacos. I have no clue what I even ordered here... I mostly pointed and grunted on the menu to the bartender. She coulda put in a hamburger and I wouldn't even notice. Why do these tacos all taste the same? This dump was so not good, even when drunk. The place was so sticky. Prolly from all the cheap margaritas... Which I had a couple and so did the floor.

I think this was the fried cheekan taco... Well, of course it is... Under all that shit. No clue what it tasted like. Another shot of tequila, pweez... And one for your mom, too... Because this taco reminded me of her. Did she ever get the results from the doctor yet?


Taqueria El Rey del Taco.

The first thing you always order at a taco joint is the hot wings, naturally. Seriously, when you have been boozing all night, wings are a godsend... Hell, wings anytime is a godsend. Mexican hot wings aren't as crispy or spicy but they did the trick.

Skrimp Cocktail. Nothing says luxury than shrimp cocktail in the middle of the night on Buford Hwy. #1percento.

Offal Taco Assortment. These cabrons know tacos and internal organs. Lengua, cabeza, tripa, culo, pinga... Sometimes I don't know what I'm eating but I lurv them all and the prices of these booze absorbing grubbery leave you with enough pesos to get more booze!

More booze! That horchata is much better with Kahlua and vodka (just sneak airplane bottles in and say no comprendo when they ask what's in your hand)... I call it the Light Brown Russian. If they try to take it away, just say loudly, "Hey! Careful ese, there's a beverage here."


This might be the stupidest post I have done to date... It's ok, though, no one is reading this garbage anyways. Except for my one perverted fan. I love you man.. Or woman... Perhaps a parakeet. I gotta run out to the liquor store and maybe return some tapes.

Thirteen Pies

The Buckhead militia was out in full force on a recent Friday night. Every girl was wearing almost the same outfit. Note: if you're a fat chick, don't wear black tight yoga-style riding pants with high brown boots and a denim shirt that acts like a mini dress. Those thighs were wearing out the already thin see-through material. Don't even think about bending over to pick up that napkin you just dropped, Bossy. I don't wanna see DuDu through those LuLu's. But anyhooha, this newly opened pizza joint was packed like hookers at a Secret Service party. It's obvious they're not here for the pizza, it's the scene they want to inhale...Except the fat chicks wanted to inhale the 'ZA. Shit, put me on that list as well, my muffin top needs more yeasty stumps for my lump.

The place is built out in the standard corporate fashion, not a lot of personality but it has clean lines, plenty of space, semi long wrap around bar, and two over-sized wood burning pizza ovens. When I say over-sized, it's really for looks more than function. You never want a giant oven where the cooking area (dome) has too much space, you want thick insulation or else you will never maintain that high temp constantly and putting out consistent product. The two ovens are really ridiculous, it's almost Willy Wonka-esque. What about the 'ZA??? Well, we'll just have to take a journey into the pouch then won't we...

Old Fashioned. So... I'm waiting for my drink and in the mean time I'm making observations around the joint. Three millenial broads dressed in unison at the next table, MK bags, the high brown boots, the works... Shit is gonna go down up in this piece with these three. Two of the three pies arrive, they let it sit there trying to be polite. Bitch, this ain't fine dining, it's pizza, you gotta eat that pie hot since no one is eating their's. The third comes out 8 minzies later, the other pies are now cold. Like it matters because all three skanks took 15 minutes to eat 2 slices each minus the crust, not even wanting to try the other pies. Watching each other to make sure they eat the same amount so they don't look like pigs in public. They each box up the rest. No fucking way they are full on 2 tiny frozen Totino's size slices, no fucking way. One broad is like 5'10" and 160 lbs, you know she will inhale the rest of her pie in 3 seconds like 2 lines of blow when she gets home. Another broad was like 3 apples high and 170 lbs, she will prolly finish the rest off in the bathroom and pretend to have left the box in the shitter by accident after they get to the car. You just can't make this shit up. This was a story that had to be told... To my one reader. And on that note, my drink finally arrives...
A decently executed OF... But drinking on these tiles bring back repressed memories when I fell off the wagon and found myself slumming it with a bot of Black Currant Mad Dog 20/20 in one hand and a half eaten roast beef sando with extra horsey sauce on the bathroom floor at an Arby's. I coulda really used some Polynesian sauce, wait, wrong fast food joint. Make the pain go away... A few more of these surely will.

House-Made Lamb Sausage. So, I ordered the 13th pie, they were out of that. How the fuck can they be out of that if it's a chef's choice? Just make something the fuck up and trick me with it. So, then I tried the Iberian pie which was also not available because they ran out of soffritto... Yeah, fucking soffritto, an Eyetalian version of mire poix. What's the deal with soffritto on pizza? My guess is prolly these fucking Lumbersexuals' fault at the bar, I heard they like anything that's rustic. So, I got this pie instead. Look at this specimen. What is going on with the puffy crust, is it stuffed with bacon and cheez like Pizza Hut? I hope so because this looks like it should come with a puffy shirt, but what's with the bite mark on the right... Did Remy make this pie or did a pizza maker slap his purple helmet on the dough like how artists sign their works. I smell a rat. The few nubbins of sausage were decent, the sauce was scarce and bland, the rest of the fillers were forgettable, decent char but the over-sized crust was just a way to cut down on the amount of toppings within that 8" diameter inside. It's all about cost control, people. Was it horrible? No. But it didn't exactly make me soil my underpants either. It's like how you feel when you wait for something for so long that you don't even care how it tastes, it's just something to shove into your mouth and chew like a mindless cow. I did just that.

Look at that man bulge... Or is that Kate Moss' kneecap? I wonder if her kneecap is just as chewy. I assume so from working all that gluten on the catwalk.

Spotted Trotter Guanciale & Farm Egg. Ok, this sounds good on paper. Shit, egg on anything sounds good to me. When it came out, I was like... Where are we, Panera? I didn't order a fucking salad bread bowl. Then I realized it was a pizza. Oh, my bad... Anyone could have made that mistake. I like frisee but Jesus, I don't need a muff size amount of it like in a 70's porno. Even Seka woulda trimmed that down a bit. I do like the egg, but no fucking way that came from a farm, try the back of a Sysco truck. The roasted onions was nice but the bland sauce and elephantiasis crust was still annoying the fuck outta me. For the people who don't eat the crust, you'll be shit outta luck getting halfway full with the rest of the mid-teens priced 'ZAs. Seriously, reduce the size of the outter crust and trick out your sauce a little bit more and then you'll have a halfway decent pie.

The other pizza joints need not worry about new competition, hell, Don Antonio by Starita isn't even a threat. This place is all show and no blow... It's like going to a club and they're dry. It's just a place for the millenials to see and be seen. It's basically a pissing contest in here. At best it's a place to kill time with a bite and a few drinks before going to your final destination. The food here is just for conversation. Just make sure they have plenty of to go boxes. They're gonna need it.

250 Buckhead Ave., Suite 317
Atlanta, GA
678-791-1313
http://thirteenpies.com/

Industry Tavern

By the name and location of this place, one can only imagine what kinda "industry" people would come here after their shift. Perhaps the ones with 7" clear stiletto heel platform shoes. One would expect an industry driven menu with an avant garde cocktail menu but sometimes reality must intrude and you're usually left with disappointment... Kinda like my life everyday. This "fast casual" joint has all the industry props for some low rent high school flick. Perhaps, this was the third and final work to "Waiting" and "Still Waiting" trilogy? I hope Luiz Guzman pops his greasy Goat out of his zipper to say hello or Naomi to flash her sasquatchian hair muff full of crumbs again, just for shits and giggles... Dane Cook, not so much, though.

But ok, what's the deal with this joint? The Terminus building complex is not really known for fine dining... MF Sushi put the place on the map but Amura sank a few months ago pretending to be like MF with Ru San's grade sooshee. BrickTop's, I don't even know what that shit is. So, this place came to be via the peeps from Gibney's Pub... Ok, not a place known for it's culinary appeal but I don't discriminate.. What am I talking about? I will discriminate like a motherfucker if it sucks ass. Let's take a looksie and hope there's a steady supply of toilet paper up in this piece...

IND Hand-Pressed Burger, seared with choice of cheese, lettuce, tomato, onion. That's funny, I didn't get a choice, I got all four options. They said they only serve it cooked through, so, naturally, I asked if they could do it medium-rare. Server said, sure, I guess so. Came out well done. But that's not the surprising thing... Ready for this? This burger tasted exactly like a BK Whopper!!! Holy shit, this is the first time ever that a burger from a "real" resto made it taste like a Whopper. I don't know if I should congratulate them or wrap it up in that wax paper like a Whopper, mark an "X" with a Sharpie on the wrapper and ask for a brown bag and paper crown to go. While the burger was nothing to write home about, the broccolini was quite tasty. I just couldn't do any fries or tots because I'm on a diet. Yeah, right.. I bet you believe that shit.

$18 Lobster Roll. I AM A SUCKA for this shit. You know this shit was gonna happen. I see a fucking lobster roll on the menu, I get that shit. For $18, you get a 4" bun (not buttered or toasted) filled with some decently dressed tender knuckle and claw meat... I said, Four Inch bun. Who makes a bun that small? My dick is bigger than this and that isn't saying much... And I don't charge $18 to wrap your mouth around it, I usually pay them but that's another story. They should call it a Robster Roll... Robbery in progress, call the po-po. The lobster was decent tasting but a bit on the bland side. The sauce cup of clarified butter was for what? Are you gonna bring out a brush and a George Foreman grill with that... So, I can butter and grill my own bun table side? And the extra mayo, how much fucking dressing do I need for a 4 inch bun of critter meat? I hate to see waste and this was just a plain waste of unneeded condiments. Is it bad if I asked for a to-go container for the clarified butter? Squirt.

Spicy Coppa. In BOLD letters proclaimed, "AWARD-WINNING PIZZA". What's with the hyphen? Is it some trick to keep your attention so you don't forget what it is when you read the space between the two words? Anytime anyone have to tell you that something or other is award-winning, they usually have something to hide or it's a Jedi mind trick to gimmick you into ordering one. I'm just a Padawan learner so I got Jedi mind fucked into getting one because of my curiosity. If I was a cat, I would be dead since 1979. Ok, when it came out, I was like award-winning in what competition? Best frozen pizza category? Someone call DiGiorno's and deliver me from cracker crust pizza hell... This thing was not good. This is the kind of pizza you serve at a 5 yr old's birthday party because if it fell on the ground, no one who notice the difference when someone puts it back on the table... Because everyone's attention will be on the kid's drunk father trying to break open a SpongeBob pinata with a wiffle ball bat. Like the pinata's candy spewing all over the lawn, this thing should be spewed all over the Atlantic ocean. I can't believe they actually charge real money for this.

This is like the real life Shenanigan's... A bunch of characters serving movie prop like food to middling pedestrians that wouldn't know the difference between a pizza pie and a hair pie. If any industry people come here after work at all... It'll be the ones with a wad of Drakkar Noir drenched dollar bills strapped to their thighs.

Pump, pump... Pffft. This joint is shooting blanks. I'm going home to cry myself to sleep yet again..

3280 Peachtree Road NE #187
Atlanta, GA 30305
(404) 254-4468
http://industrytavern.com/