Canvas Cafe and Bakery

Sooo... There's this place up in bumblefuck Marietta that supposedly have the spiciest/hottest burger in the land and some of these so called "foodies" boast it could be the hottest burger in the nation. Well, sounds like a triple fucking dog dare to me...

This place is out in nowhere. It's inside what looks like a small office building but it's not. They have a nice outdoor deck with tables and the inside is pretty cute, very cafe chic with the blackboard menu and baked items and gelato in the display cases, blah blah blah... Let's just get to the good stuff and what we came here for. And that is, the...

**HELL BURGER** !!WARNING!! CAUTION__ Cayenne Pepper Dusted, Chili, Roasted Jalapeno, Habanero and Onion Slaw, Pepper Jack Cheese, Four Pepper Hot Sauce, and Sambal Mayo. **No Refunds if its TOO HOT, You have Been Warned**

Ooooh, doesn't that sound hellacious? Mebbe. Kinda...

(There she is, Ms. America! How fucking 80's is that knife in the burger gimmick? Just like the old banana in da tailpipe trick.)

(Unda-neath da hood. Not gonna win any beauty contests. Is that a... Who made this, dyslexic Zorro?)

(Cooked somewhat to temp.)

At my signal, unleash hell!!!

So, how was it... You're wondering? Ate the first half in 4 bites. Nothing. Waited a couple more seconds. Nothing. Sitting there in my chair scratching my balls like I had phantom crabs. Where da fuck is da heat? Mebbe, I have to eat the other half to complete the chemical reaction. Ok, no problem. Other half gone in four bites. Well? Nada. What a fucking load of shit. I got jipped, again! Ok, the burger was decent and well put together but it did not unleash hell. They shoulda call this Minimus Declarius Mediocrius.

Eh, let's try something else...

Croque Monsieur, sure! I lurv me a good croque. But this is what came out, instead... A crotch monkey. What is that? Meat flaps with smegma all over it? I mean, I ate out some nasty skanks before but this was nuttier than a fruitcake. This was as French as Barrack Obama... Mebbe, they can provide a Fronch birth certificate that will satisfy the haters. I liberated this like the allied forces in Paris in 1944... Right in the garbage.

(Subway's even baffled.)

S'Mores Milkshake with "Toasted" marshmallows... Yes, obviously. Nothing like a milkshake in a cheap plastic cup. Reminds me of that dump Buns N Shakes downtown. This tasted like saw dust... Oh, wait, lookie! They were kind enough to sprinkle some on top! It had the consistency of chocolate mousse and the taste of hot coco powder. When you have to chase a bite of this with a glass of water, there's something rotten in the state of Redneck.

(Toasted Marshmallows. Naturally.)

A standard sandwich shop that is ok if you're in the area but not worth the trip from ITP. Hell Burger needs a lot of work to live up to the name. So, depwessed... Pass the Abilify.

1 Star.

724 Cherokee Street
Marietta, GA 30060
(678) 213-2268
http://www.canvasfoods.com/index.php

Snatched! Slutty Food Quickie...

Super H-Mart had a $4.99/lb Robster coupon... So, I snatched up 4 of these bottom feeders and hot waterboarded them. Afterwards, I mutilated them, dismembering them limb by limb. Then I dressed them up all fancy like and stuffed them in a butter grilled roll and raped it. I don't usually eat out a crusty ho' but this didn't smell fishy at all. I knew it was a clean kill.

(Robster Ho')

Why they call these things, Po'boys, I don't know... Because it ain't cheap if you buy one at a snatch shack. So, I made my own. Cost me less than $3 to make. Fat plump pearl tongues dusted in a secret mix and deep fried. Fucking juicy as hell inside and crispy on the outside. A little Kewpie and Sambal Oelek spread on the toasted roll, then stuffed to the gills with those precious little fried clitoris of the sea. Shit, I even licked my chicken lips clean.

(Oysta Pearl Tongue'boy)

Cannibalism at its finest.

Pump.

Pump.

Squirt.

Pull My Noodle... Ramen, Amen.

Let's face it, the Ramen scene pretty much suck a big fat noodle in Atlanta. This is a quick recap on a few places, new and old, I ate at recently. Some good, some a bad joke but I don't get why the local rags brag about how the Ramen scene is exploding in Atlanta... It's not. It's exploding as much as the noodle scene in my pants. You can count the number of Ramen joints that are barely acceptable literally on one hand. Coincidentally, I heard that the most talented cooks only use one hand to pull their noodle. I, on the other hand, like to use my weak hand to pull my noodle, it's always better with a Stranger... Uh, nevermind.

The most baffling thing about the Ramen here is that the majority of the shops are not Japanese but Korean owned and operated. Not that you can't get a decent bowl of noodles from non ex-pats but to me it just doesn't taste the same. It's like saying you can get great dim sum from a Korean restaurant. But what do I know.

Let's take a look at a few in no particular order...

Umaido (2 Stars). The spicy level 100 challenge was easily conquered under 5 minutes... And purged under 5 minutes as well. But how's the ramen? It's acceptable, if you're in the area. With gas prices these day, driving 40+ minutes to eat this stuff even with my lifetime 10% discount is just not worth it. Do not get the Gyoza, they are inedible and laughable. But +1 for the hand made noodles. The broth, eh, just pile as much shit in it as you can and think about rainbows and unicorns.

(Umaido - Regular Spicy (not Spicy Level 100))

(Umaido - Plain old prok based Ramen)

Miso Izakaya (3 Stars). I'll give them props for making the Tonkotsu broth from scratch and trying to do it the right way. The broth is not there yet but it's a good start. The noodles were passable, it's hard to get/find Ramen noodles that are just right, kinda like the perfect toothy Wonton noodle. And making them by hand is time consuming and difficult to get right. The construction and ingredients are well thought out but a little tweaking wouldn't hurt. But having pretty satisfying Ramen inside the city is a major plus, the sheet of nori is kinda goofy and really serves no purpose in this dish. The baos (steam buns) alone are worthy of a visit, the sushi, not so much. The owner/cooks don't shy away from reinventing the menu which is a good thing for this city. Keep it up.

(Miso Izakaya - Tonkotsu Ramen)

Yakitori Jinbei (Not rated). "Once a great champion, now a study in mopphishness." I really liked this Japanese owned restaurant... About 5 years ago. After the owner passed, this place has really gone down hill. I feel sad but it's a business after all and this place just doesn't do it for me anymore. It seems like less and less ex-pats are making their rounds here, even on weekends. After a very lackluster display of Tonkotsu Ramen, my disappointment was amplified 10 folds when I saw the storage room with dozens and dozens of individually wrapped bags of noodles laying around all over the place, some even on the floor. The Yakisoba, a dish that only a few can get right, added insult to injury. Basically, a $13 plate of bland plastic bag noodle nuked for 2 minzies. When the staff finally came around after 10 minutes with me doing ants in the pants in my chair... I paid and high tailed it outta there, STAT. The "young chicken" yakitori and et al was middling at best. Even for a town that's desperate for anything that looks remotely like Ramen, how can anyone take this Ramen seriously anymore? Just save yourself the trouble and make a bag of Maruchan Lime Chili Shrimp Ramen at home. Never again.

(Yakitori Jinbei - Tonkotsu)

(Yakitori Jinbei - Yakisoba)

Raku (1 Star). The newest Ramen joint from the fine people of Honey Pig. I like the Korean BBQ at Honey Pig but they should really stick to what they know and that is Korean food. Riding on the Ramen train just to make a quick buck is almost as pathetic as all the burger joints popping up like acne on a 15 year old's mug. The Ramen broth was just ok... Ok, as in scoop, stir and heat. The noodles were plain old stuff from a factory. Nothing exciting but not terrible. Decent enough to get a bite if you're shopping at H-Mart. Maybe in time, they will improve, maybe not.

(Raku - Tonkotsu)

Shoya (3 Stars). One of my favorite go to spots for incredible food across the board. I love this place. I've eaten the entire menu at least 3 times around and that's a big menu. The Yakisoba is very good and the Ramen didn't disappoint either. While it might not be the best I've ever had... The Tonkotsu is creamy, flavorful and simply dericious. The noodles may not be hand made but they are toothy and does the trick. The Shoyu broth is a little sweet, tangy and just salty enough but yet light on the palate. When Ramen is good, there's not much else to say except... Burp!

(Shoya - Tonkotsu)

(Shoya - Shoyu)

Sushi Huku (3 Stars). A place that people overlook. They have a bunch of udon and soba, but the only available Ramen is off the menu and only Shoyu style. The broth was clean, flavorful and just the right amount of saltiness... Only if I can find a broad like that then I'll be set. The noodles were on par, not the best and not the worse. The pork was incredibly tender. A very satisfying bowl. On a side note, I order the Ramen as dessert. The Omakase dinner was surprisingly very good, amazing assortment of fish for Atlanta. Definitely, on my top 5 list of good sushi joints.

(Sushi Huku - Shoyu)

Haru Ichiban (Not rated). It's been around forever and old age has taken its toll here... While the service has become on par with a school's dining hall, the food is not even fit for students. The service is absolutely oblivious, the kitchen has Alzheimer's, and the Ramen broth was so watery and tasteless it tasted like 3 day old soapy dish water scooped up from the sink. I'm not even gonna get into the noodle, sushi, et al. (No pic, not worth the memory space on my cam).

Of course, there are a few more places that offer Ramen but I'm too full to write anymore... Stay tuned for updates. I'm about to implode.

Squirt.

Sophia's New York Style Pizza

Hello there, my fans, we got us a prime specimen of another place that call themselves "New York Style" pizza. There are many like it but this one is special. Real special. Like in shortbus special.

Once, it stood a place that had San Marzano tomatoes, fresh made 00 Caputo dough and fresh mozzarella... All the ingredients for a perfect pie but it fell short, real short in preparation, execution and quality control (meaning letting burnt up shit go out to customers). This place was called Rusto's. They tried and tried to get off the ground but once you put out shit product for customers who you think wouldn't know any better, you just can't take it back. Ever. First impression is everything, especially NY style pizza to me. So, what do they do? Sell it to the first sucka who thinks they're getting a steal because it's priced as cheap as their knock off Louis Vuitton sneakers.

Enters Sophia's NY Style Pizza, owners came from Brooklyn but has been in Atlanta for years and years. I think they've been down here too long and assimilated to the offerings of the Hut. Anyhoo, they basically bought this place as a turn key operation from the menu right down to the receipt with Rusto's name still on there.

Take a gander...

(BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!)

(Baffled)

Are you serious? People have to pay real money for this? And what happened to the center where the two bald spots are? Looks like someone rested their ball sack on it. Listen, if I'm gonna get Arabian goggled, get me drunk first.

(It's like looking up the skirt of a 12 yr old girl, not that I would know but that's what I hear.)

Not only did the top of the 'ZA looked disgraceful, but the bottom was as white as a drunk chick's nose in the bathroom of my favorite nightspot. It was barely edible so I tried snorting the slice. Failed. Ok, ok, how did it taste? Undercooked. The scarce sauce was made with cheap oxidized red wine. The cheese was cheap low moisture shredded farce-arella. The dough was flat and unleavened, oh wait, it was passover wasn't it? Add all that shit up and you get Eazy Bake crappizza. Actually, I've had better pizza out of one made by my 2 yr old nephew.

Ok, while the pizza was an abomination, the owners were really nice. But we know where nice guys finish... Suckered into a dead business. I feel bad for them but I felt worse for my pouch. The comedic relief was when he asked me to open the box and give him my initial impression of said pizza. One look and I told him it needed more time in the oven and char since the bottom was totally white and undercooked. His reply, "I hope you enjoy it."

I sure will, pal... I sure will. Then my ass imploded.

Flush.

1/2 Star. (for the nice box it came in)

2100A Cheshire Bridge Road
Atlanta, GA 30324
404-474-9650

The Family Dog

What's that old saying? You can't teach an old dog a new menu...

If you're boasting an incredible cocktail program, you better have a 1930 copy of The Savoy behind the bar. I don't want to start with an ok Sazerac then a terrible Old Fashioned that looked and tasted like the Sazerac with a giant slice of orange with pulp and all, to a weak Moscow Mule that tasted like water with a slice of lemon, to a Sidecar that was served in the wrong vessel. You may be able to fool the dumb late 40 something blonde that pretends to be an early 2o something gastronomic guru that shills the midtown mile... But you're not gonna pull the pannus over my eyeballs.

The cost of these drinks is even more absurd... Especially, the Mule in which they charge me $9 for the drink, fine, but then another $0.75 for GINGER ALE (not even ginger beer). It's like ordering a burger where the buns are extra. You want paella? The rice is extra. You want ice water? Ice is extra. My guess is that the infamously crass chef/owner ridicules you publicly to the point where you just shut up and sit down and eat whatever he puts in front of your snout. What a fucking joke. I don't take or give a shit if I hurt the owner's wittle feelings, being on the line for some of the best restaurants in NYC, I tell it like it is. If you don't like it, get the fuck on the line or get the fuck outta da kitchen and stop Twatting pics of chicks' giant asscracks, that's Anthony Wiener's job. Speaking of giant asscracks... Nevermind.

Ok, let's insert a Yelp phrase here, "I really wanted to like this place but...". Well, I do like the atmosphere of this joint (decor, feel, look, kitchen setup, bathroom, etc. etc.), I'll give them that but what I'm looking for in a place is the nuts and bolts behind the kitchen. Unfortunately, the only thing through the window, behind the pass and an angwy cook was a Mexican circus. Who taught this kitchen staff how to cook white people food... HB 87? I'm sure they can make a killer crunchy fried chicken taco with slaw, lettuce and shredded cheese.

The menu read decent. The oyster "po'boy" sounded good but I kept checking items off the list every time I saw a dish come through. It looked worse and worse. I asked a girl at the next table how the oyster sandwich was, her reply was as evident as the remnants on her plate. She said her oysters were fine but the roll was soggy and stale. Ok, scratch that off the list. I changed my main dish 3 times and ended up getting the goddamn burger (How fucking pedestrian. One way only. Should I be a schmuck and ask for a temp?)... In which the server said "Great choice." What? So, that means every thing else sucks? Seems so. I was there to drink really and only sampled a few things on the menu and watched what the rest of my table ordered. Thank god, there were other suckers there to be the guinea pig.

Take a gander at this specimen...

($9 Tater Skins, what a bargain! What is that white stuff? Squirt.)

I hate tater skins, it's so low rent. People who drive Camaros and maintain a mullet eats these things. I didn't order it, it magically appeared like the cooking staff from across the border. Look at that picture above... I wouldn't serve this to my family dog.

($9 One Way Burger, that's more than I can say for it. It looked like it was gang banged and thrown in the dumpster.)

Is it me or does it look like it came outta Super Mario Bros.? You know, that brown mushroom thing. Shit was so soggy from the juices (look at it pooling around the bottom), thing basically turned to mush, not even a pitch fork and shovel could get the job done. H&F burger tis not.

The only thing that they have going for them is the location, some of the drinks (as in beer, not cocktails) and cozy walkable neighborhood vibe. The menu is so terribly developed that I rather eat at Sonic. But having one decent neighborhood restaurant doesn't mean you can have another semi-successful one across da street... Well, mebbe you can, based on the crowd that is there weekly. But look at this flesh mesh, they're not there for the food, they're there to hangout and mingle, the grub is just conversation and to soak up the booze before you drive back home with some floozy. This is a dog with fleas... You might wake up the next morning with some, too.

Alpo.

1 Star.

1402 North Highland Ave.
Atlanta, GA 30306
404-249-0180
http://thefamilydogatlanta.com/

Gino's Brooklyn Pizzeria

When I saw "Brooklyn NY Style" pizza in Atlanta... I said W T F?! No fucking way, brah. This 3 week old 'ZA joint is secretly located in that meth out shithole of an apartment building called the Darlington. (Sometimes, it's refer to New Jackshack City.) So, I made it a point to hit that shit like a $2 whore and I had $3.58 in my pocket. Come here, my darling, I wanna eat some hot pie tonight! Am I my brotha's keeper? Yes I am, Bitch.

The place is pretty bare bones with 1 dual level gas pizza oven, 1 pizza cook (moved here 8 months ago from Brooklyn), 1 silly man dressed up like Corey Feldman in Dream a Little Dream (owner I assume), and 1 young cute chippie at the register that was as clueless as Alicia Silverstone (I know, who??? But what a slice of pie). But let me tell ya, the prices reminded me of old school NYC pizza joints. $10 for a large pie and this large pie is 18 fucking inches wide. Most guys like their pie smaller but me, I take what I can get. And the calzones are $5. Holy shit, am I dweaming a lil dweam? No sir-ree! Oops, mebbe a wet dweam. Anyhoo...

Take a gander...

(Thin cracker like crust, sauce a tad salty and the standard low moisture shredded mozzarella cheese. I prefer my NYC style 'ZA greasy.)

(Aerial view. The bottom was slightly golden brown, no char. Expected from a standard gas pizza oven.)

(Giant $5 calzone w/pepperoni. Looked nice but could used a little more time in the oven and chintzy on the pepperoni, ricotta and mozzarella... Hey, c'mon, it was $5. I'll STFU, now.)

Overall, it wasn't half bad but NYC (Brooklyn) style pizza it ain't... Not just yet. Give them a couple more months and they should improve. Well, at least that's what I hope for. Antico is awesome but who da fuck wants to fight the crowd for a space in da corner just to slam some pie? Sometimes you just want to tear that pie up in peace and quiet. And the price is unbeatable... Unlike my meat.

Flip.

Flip.

Drip.

2 Stars.

2050 Peachtree Road
Atlanta, GA 30309
404-351-1971
http://ginospizzaatlanta.com/

Local Three

I liked Joel a lot when it was pure Joel... Then he was gone and all that was left was the vapor of his fart trail. Joel suffered without it's captain like most restaurants do in similar situations. You just can't run a joint with the same name and different people behind it. Joel knew it and prolly laughed all the way to the bank and outta GA.

Anyhoo, fast forward to late 2010 and M&T et al decided to take on this vacant haunt with more modern southern style grub that is taking over Atlanta.

What I don't like right away... The entrance. Nothing like walking down a narrow hallway with the fanning of shit vapor from the bathroom doors that you're forced to walk through. Then you go through what looks like a single door to the mechanics room. But it gets much better after you see this glorious framed picture... Fuck yeah!

(The Pig LeSowski - The Last Stuffing.)

(My favorite Yelpers.)

(Three little piggies on the wall but where are the piggies in the chairs?)

(Beef Jerky - Hard as plywood, dark as night. Tasted straight outta da bag. Pass.)

(Duck Fat Fried Onion Rings - Thin ass onions and hard ass batter. One word: Bunyuns. Some secwet sauce that tasted eerily similar to... Nevermind.)

(Charcuterie Sampler - Prosciutto Rossa, Finocchiona, Salame Toscano, Lomo Embuchado, and Speck. Violet mustard was weird but some may like mustard that looks like Nutella.)

(Chicken Liver Mousse aka Meat Butter - Okay. Needed more cream. Just a little too thick for a mousse... Mebbe it was a mouse.)

(Chicken Pot Pie - If you're gonna top it off with a biscuit, make sure it fits the entire diameter of the pot. Looked like a Popeyes biscuit.)

(McDowell - Without sesame seeds. First bite reminded me of a Big Mick, wait, a Big Mac with their special sauce. But got better and better with every bite into it. Hated the shredded lettuce, made it taste cheap. The fries were pretty damn good, crispy and hot.)

This joint will do well, I think, I hope... Given the space and location. And hopefully the food will be worked out for the better and soon. Not that it was bad but needed more attention to the little details to bring it over the top.

3 Stars.

3290 Northside Pkwy
Atlanta, GA 30327
404-968-2700
www.localthree.com