Canvas Cafe and Bakery

Sooo... There's this place up in bumblefuck Marietta that supposedly have the spiciest/hottest burger in the land and some of these so called "foodies" boast it could be the hottest burger in the nation. Well, sounds like a triple fucking dog dare to me...

This place is out in nowhere. It's inside what looks like a small office building but it's not. They have a nice outdoor deck with tables and the inside is pretty cute, very cafe chic with the blackboard menu and baked items and gelato in the display cases, blah blah blah... Let's just get to the good stuff and what we came here for. And that is, the...

**HELL BURGER** !!WARNING!! CAUTION__ Cayenne Pepper Dusted, Chili, Roasted Jalapeno, Habanero and Onion Slaw, Pepper Jack Cheese, Four Pepper Hot Sauce, and Sambal Mayo. **No Refunds if its TOO HOT, You have Been Warned**

Ooooh, doesn't that sound hellacious? Mebbe. Kinda...

(There she is, Ms. America! How fucking 80's is that knife in the burger gimmick? Just like the old banana in da tailpipe trick.)

(Unda-neath da hood. Not gonna win any beauty contests. Is that a... Who made this, dyslexic Zorro?)

(Cooked somewhat to temp.)

At my signal, unleash hell!!!

So, how was it... You're wondering? Ate the first half in 4 bites. Nothing. Waited a couple more seconds. Nothing. Sitting there in my chair scratching my balls like I had phantom crabs. Where da fuck is da heat? Mebbe, I have to eat the other half to complete the chemical reaction. Ok, no problem. Other half gone in four bites. Well? Nada. What a fucking load of shit. I got jipped, again! Ok, the burger was decent and well put together but it did not unleash hell. They shoulda call this Minimus Declarius Mediocrius.

Eh, let's try something else...

Croque Monsieur, sure! I lurv me a good croque. But this is what came out, instead... A crotch monkey. What is that? Meat flaps with smegma all over it? I mean, I ate out some nasty skanks before but this was nuttier than a fruitcake. This was as French as Barrack Obama... Mebbe, they can provide a Fronch birth certificate that will satisfy the haters. I liberated this like the allied forces in Paris in 1944... Right in the garbage.

(Subway's even baffled.)

S'Mores Milkshake with "Toasted" marshmallows... Yes, obviously. Nothing like a milkshake in a cheap plastic cup. Reminds me of that dump Buns N Shakes downtown. This tasted like saw dust... Oh, wait, lookie! They were kind enough to sprinkle some on top! It had the consistency of chocolate mousse and the taste of hot coco powder. When you have to chase a bite of this with a glass of water, there's something rotten in the state of Redneck.

(Toasted Marshmallows. Naturally.)

A standard sandwich shop that is ok if you're in the area but not worth the trip from ITP. Hell Burger needs a lot of work to live up to the name. So, depwessed... Pass the Abilify.

1 Star.

724 Cherokee Street
Marietta, GA 30060
(678) 213-2268
http://www.canvasfoods.com/index.php