This joint has been in the works for awhile that I forgot all about it until it finally opened at the newly refreshed Toco Hill shopping center a couple doors down from Spiller Park. I have never been to their other location because it is all the way up at the Mall of Georgia. No fucking way I'm going all the way up to Buford to be disappointed... Now, I can get disappointed a lot closer to home. Look at this joint, I already know what's in store for this corpulent slob... You don't need to have the force to figure this concept out. It's not a Jedi mind trick but my midichlorian count is quite high for this fat fuck, along with my cholesterol. Every thing about this place oozes what the love child of Ru San's and Panda Express would be. Why am I doing this, again? Oh, yeah, I made a promise to my one reader to report all that's fit to eat and not. Dear, 8 pounds 6 ounces, newborn infant baby Jesus... Help me get through this. Thank you for all your power and your grace dear baby god, amen.
Claiming to be a "Ramen Factory" is ballsy if you can't deliver the goods... But the Pouch is always game for any joint that asserts themselves to be a ramen shop. Since, I have never been to their location in upstate Georgia, it's nice that they opened a location intown for all the ramen connoisseurs who have OTP syndrome. Walked in and the host grabs a menu and asks, "Chopsticks or fork?" Come again? I swore you asked chopsticks or forks... And this was coming from an Asian speaking to another member of the tribe. Don't fucking make me slap you so hard that it will send you back on the boat you came from. I will Shanghai your ass. But yes, chopsticks, pweez... I will play along.
Did I just smoke crack... Because I don't know what the fuck is going on here... It's part cartoon and part real pictures of assorted veggies. Only thing missing is ganja.
Look at this poor bastard floating in space... Like most black holes, it's pink and toothless and it can suck the chrome off a '79 Chevy bumper... Or inhale a giant bowl of noodles surfing a wave in the milky way.
They had the drink menu on every table and the nigori selection and beer prices weren't too bad... Too bad they aren't serving booze yet... It woulda been nice if you told me before I had my mind set on a drink. Why the fuck is the drink menu even on the tables if you ain't serving yet? Dick teasing mofos. I guess I have will have to get something from their "Dessert Drink" menu...
Wow, how exciting... I drooled a little on myself from falling asleep reading this menu. But I do like mango, though... Don't do it, jackass, don't be fucking stupid says the Pouch... This may be my only visit, so, I might as well go all in...
Mango Bubble Tea. Ugh, I already know the verdict on this by the color of it. Took a sip, yep, down the drain is where this $4 swill belongs. It was so watery and you can taste the chalky powder mix in every sip. The mango flavor was so artificial tasting that it would take zero intelligence to figure out it wasn't natural.
Who came up with this menu, Hong Kong Phooey? Everything on this small plate menu is full of Panda Express finest. The only things that looked acceptable was the squid karaage, takoyaki, buns... Fuck it, just do it like Tiger... Out of 12 tries, 1 has to be a winner... Or else there will be no comeback.
PaoPao Bun, pork belly. What in all that's holy is this thing... Iceberg lettuce? Who you trying to get crazy with, ese? Don't you know I'm loco? Well, the Pouch is more like loco moco... Seriously, though, what the fuck is this? Do y'all take me for a jerk? Go see a doctor and get rid of it. I have seen cleaner skanks in a Phuket brothel than this specimen... Come to think of it, it coulda been a kathoey, I need to go cry in a shower, now. Ok, back to this thing... What the fuck is that white glistening jizz? It's so fresh that the sperm is still swimming up stream. You pick it up and it drips like an AMF Harley. I opened up this deflated bun and the pork belly looked like it was boiled in a vat of 10w-30... Conventional no less. It was grayish and pale and mostly all fat. It's no wonder why they doused it in Alabama white sauce that has been sitting out in the sun all day. Like the nasty sauce, this $4 bao was broken and heinous. Avoid this PooPoo bun with extreme prejudice.
Sesame Chicken Wings. They were out of the squid karaage, so, I had to settle for the $6 smallish medium sized wings. It says sweet & spicy sesame sauce on the menu... But it's more of a light glaze. It's neither sweet nor spicy but it came out hot and juicy with a light crispy skin. These 5 wings were not craveworthy by any means but after that abysmal display of a pork belly bun, I would even eat a midget's toes.
Takoyaki. $7 for 4 reheated factory frozen "tempura squid balls with bonito fish flakes and Japanese mayo". I asked what's the spicy version, they said, it's just with sriracha and jalapeno slices... Is this a sick joke? I had them put the spicy part on the side anyways because I needed to know. Look at this ridiculous pic... They squirted a little sriracha on the side of the plate topped with a few loose pieces of jalapeno. As expected, they were nothing special... For $7, I coulda got a whole bag of takoyaki at H Mart. This was a total ripoff... Skip it.
Alright, enough of this Doraemon shit... Let's get to the main event. The item that is their claim to fame. After all they are the ramen factory. Let's try a couple of bowls...
Extra Spicy Dan Dan (semi dry), thin noodle, spicy ground chicken, fried onion, edamame, egg. I had to ask why it was semi dry... They said, it's in a broth. I'm like, hell no, yo! Dan Dan is dry with ground pork and chili oil sauce. She said, no way, Hose A... Our dan dan is with broth. She then says, ok, I do it with a little broth at the bottom for you only, number 1, G.I. Why am I talking like that hooker scene in Full Metal Jacket? Because like the movie, this dan dan was all movie magic... No substance or authenticity. Jesus, that's a "little broth"? It looks like fucking hot tub from hell. And the hard boiled eggs were barely soaked in shoyu. The broth looked like Georgia red clay after a rain storm. The thin spaghetti-like noodles were over cooked and mushy. Absolutely no bite to them. The edamame and fried onion was only there for color and a bit of texture- if you ate it right away. Shit, a bag of Shin Ramyun is 100 times better than this, I coulda saved $12 if I stayed home and made instant ramen instead of this bowl of crap. If this was Dan Dan, then I'll be a monkey's uncle... It was more like Lt. Dan Dan. Ramen is like a box of chocolates, you never what's gonna make shit your underpants. I shoulda gotten the Spicy Ninja Ramen with beef tripe and intestine, instead. Oh, well, too bad there ain't gonna be a next time... Even if they are serving booze.
Black & White Tonkotsu, thin noodle, braised pork belly, naruto, bok choy, broccoli, bean sprouts, egg. $13 is about the going rate for a proper bowl of tonkotsu... Since, they are the ramen factory, one would expect them to do this broth correctly. It's the least they can do to redeem themselves. It's a hefty portion and a definite red flag already... Because no one gives away that much tonkotsu broth unless it was watered down to maximize volume/profit. I'm gonna reserve judgement until I have tasted the broth for that all important stickiness from the collagen of the pork bones... Ok, who am I kidding, when does the Pouch ever reserve judgement. Ok, this tonkotsu broth sucks big time. It's not even tonkotsu, it's basically a bowl of 2% milk... Is that Lucky Charms under the broccoli? Fucking broccoli in ramen. There was zero collagen content. It was prolly instant tonkotsu broth. Where's the finesse, the harmony, the zen in this bowl? Look at the presentation, it's a mess... Like a pubescent teen's room. It really looks like a bowl of dirty clothes tossed around. The thin-spaghetti style noodles made another appearance with it's lackluster texture and taste. The generous portion gives the illusion of a good value for the money but who cares if it tastes as depressing as a bowl of gruel... Oliver ain't asking for more.
They Shanghai'd me for almost $60 for this subpar grub... You know how much Popeyes I can get for $60? I would be bathing in it like the Dan Dan. I knew what I was getting into here but I had to confirm it. I get why they opened up in here, their menu fits the demographics around here... Families with feral kids, cosplay geeks, college kids before Maggie's, and people who haven't worked up the courage to explore Buford Hwy because they can't stomach the true cuisines. Don't worry, though... The Pouch couldn't stomach this slop, it was instant IBS-D when I got home 5 minzies later. That fucking soupy Dan Dan looked exactly the same coming out as it was going in... A bloody mess. It should be called Poo Poo IBS Factory + D.
2929 N. Druid Hills NE
Ste C
Atlanta, GA 30329
2 comments:
Please review RA Sushi in Midtown. Makes this place look great. Could not eat the ramen I got there last nite.
This is waaaay off topic but i needed ur expert opinion on this. Pls google demi moore hairy bush. Is that photoshopped?? Happy easter egg hunting in the black forest.
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