Gu's Kitchen

Once upon a time, Gu's Bistro was a destination spot for Szechuan cuisine but then they suddenly shuttered with little notice while at the same time they were opening their food stall at KSM... Coincidence? Well, y'all know the answer to that. It was 2015 and the whole food hall movement was just getting started in this one horse town. It seemed like they wanted to downsize and ride the hipster food court wave with their Gu's Dumplings concept... With dopes lining up for hours for their overpriced and under-filled dumps in hopes that it would turn into a franchise opportunity. Why is everyone so fucking obsessed with franchises these days... Get rich quick schemes hasn't worked since Ronco's Showtime Rotisserie, with his "set it and forget it" gimmick which made Ron Popeil a filthy rich motherfucker. Now, he just spends his remaining days spray painting his bald spots with GLH.
The Americanized grub at Gu's Dumplings was created for the millennial demographics who are more than willing to pay up for sub-par quality. The menu was not made for the expats, it was made to keep them away so they don't call them out. Their namesake item, the Zhong style dumplings, are watered down versions for the gringo palate... They were all wrapper and no filler and a total ripoff but the roundeyes gobbled that shit up like there was no tomorrow and declared them the best dumps they have ever had. It doesn't matter if they are authentic or not, these dumpy doughy sacks made them rich enough to reopen another location on Buford Hwy. Deep down, I'm really hoping for a Gu's Bistro comeback with their spicy dericious affordable mala morsels but the Pouch's instinct says otherwise...
Let's go take a first look and see if they can convince the Pouch to make a revisit...

Gold metal chopsticks and Bram Stoker's dracula armor dishware... How do they afford all this fancypants gear? Oh, yeah, keep pricing the menu for the KSM hipster crowd on Buford Hwy... Sold! If the suckaz are willing to over pay for cheap Chino street food why stop?

Chengdu Cold Noodles, cold egg noodles tossed in a homemade sweet and spicy sauce with robust minced garlic, and bean sprouts; sprinkled with toasted sesame seeds and fresh green onions. Wait a minute... Where the fuck am I? Am I in Alinea? If you're gonna come up with a gimmick, make sure it is relevant to the dish itself... And I have no fucking idea what the meaning of this was. Is it a rasta pasta? Oodles of noodles? Or worms? They're only noodles, Michael. Let's take a closer look at this contraption and see what's under the hula skirt. 

Don't go chasing noodlefalls, please stick to the chowfun and the lo mein you're used to... I don't even know where to begin with this specimen. Do I pick it up with a napkin and throw it out in the trash like hair in a drain or do I eat it right off the floating wooden chopsticks... I decided to pull the chopsticks out quickly and make it rain noodles. It made it a lot easier to mix with the chili oil sitting at the bottom when all the noodles are in the bowl and not hovering in the air like Linda Blair. When they say cold noodles, they mean it... It was straight from the fridge cold. The sweet and spicy chili oil sauce was acceptable but I couldn't get over the ice cold noodles. They really should be at room temp. It's not a bad noodle dish but it was nothing special, either... It really should be like a $6 dish tops since it's only a dollar worth of egg noodles coated in sweetened chili oil.

Was this a Bad Robot Production? I wonder if they are using the robo chef in the kitchen... What's the robo chef you ask?

SCIENCE!

Spicy Dried Eggplant, battered sticks of crispy eggplant stir-fried with sliced garlic, dried red chili peppers, numbing Szechuan peppercorns, and fresh cilantro. The portion was priced correctly, so I don't feel as ripped off paying $13 for this. It was fried golden brown and the crust ultra crispy and the inside was piping hot. The only problem with this good looking execution was not enough flavor. It needed a lot more Szechuan peppercorns and seasoning... It looked great but it was kinda bland. I was expecting a lot more numbing action in my facehole.

Spicy Dried Beef Noodles, warm egg noodles tossed with hot chili peppers, chopped peanuts, spicy ground beef, robust minced garlic, fresh bok choy, and fresh cilantro. Doesn't look much different than the Chengdu Cold Noodles (or the Dan Dan Noods)... Except they toss in a couple of spoonfuls of dried spiced minced meat on top and a couple of scraps of bok choy. It tasted basically the same but the chili oil sauce was a tad spicier and not as sweet which I prefer. This was also an acceptable dish but nothing crave-worthy enough for another visit ASAP.

Szechuan Spicy Popcorn Chicken, lightly breaded and deep fried chicken dusted with Chef Gu's special spice rub. Served with a choice of spicy mayo, honey mustard, or ketchup. Did something get lost in translation here? They are serving "Taiwanese" style cheekan nuggets with spicy mayo, honey mustard or ketchup??!! Where am I, Wing Stop? What kinda shit is this? Fucking ketchup? Wait, I take it back, Wing Stop actually has some pretty damn tasty sauces... I didn't mean to insult them, my bad. That spice rub is just chili flakes sprinkled on top, it did nothing for it. But how was the cheekan, Pouch? Let's just say this was the first time I have never finished a small plate of fried chicken. The sweet potato starch crust was crispy but the white meat chicken inside was as dried out as a 70 year old woman. No amount of spicy mayo, honey mustard or ketchup will help lube it down your throat... I even tried spitting on them because saliva is a natural lubricant... No dice. Why are they using white meat instead of dark meat, especially, at a semi authentic Chino resto? It was hard, chewy and bland, even with the spicy mayo. This was such a waste, what a shame.

What about the Zhong style dumps that you were talking about earlier, Pouch? Where are they? Where they fucking belong... Back in the kitchen or on someone else's table. I ain't wasting valuable marsupial pouch space or money for middling dumps. I saw them at another table and they didn't look any better here.
Is Gu's Bistro crave-worthiness back at the new and shiny Gu's Kitchen? No. Not even close. Nothing I sampled had me wanting more. This first visit was kinda forgettable after a couple hours of eating it and I was already thinking about dinner. What wasn't forgettable was the $50 I shelled out for lunch. Why did they have to fuck with a winning model at Gu's Bistro and ruin it with Gu's Dumplings... It was such a disappointment from the beginning that it has left a bad taste in my mouth ever since. Have they never heard the saying, if it ain't broken, don't fix it... But I'm not writing them off just yet... There's still a couple other dishes I want to try before I close the book on them. And the po'boys ain't them... They look abhorrent and need to be aborted. Maybe they will come out with a Szechuan Detroit style pizza next or a Zhong style poutine...

4897 Buford Hwy
Suite 104
Chamblee, GA 30341
www.guskitchen.com