Clarkston used to be a dusty, low rent, one horse town that no one gave 2 shits about... Kinda like a red-headed stepchild. Well, it still is a dusty low rent dump that no one gives a shit about but in the last couple of years it has become to be known as the "Ellis Island of the South" with it's open arms policy of welcoming refugees and poor immigrants. The town has become a beacon for people who don't fit into the fancy schmancy Atlanta scene... Sounds like a perfect place for this fat fuck. Let's face it, the Pouch is not quite the looker anymore these days, nor do I have the deep pockets like the Buckhead trust fund millennials to buy my hideousness away. If you got the money, even Quasimodo can get into Halo Lounge... Wait, Halo is like a refugee haven these days. What the fuck happened to this once great Atlanta hot spot... It's like the old Gold Club in disguise these days but with fuglier broads. Nevermind, don't ask don't tell.
Let's get back to Clarkston... So, there is not much going on around this dumpy little town except for the small area that surrounds the Clarkston Thifttown...Which is the heart of the city (kinda like C-Town supermarket in the ghettos of NYC) and it's also a mirage... To keep the interloopers moving along. From the outside, it looks like a run down thrift store, but on the inside, it's an international market... Not as big as DeKalb Farmers Market but they carry stuff that caters to this community's diversity not found anywhere else. It ain't fancy and a bit dirty but I love what they're doing here, they created their own little utopia here. You will not find the Buckhead/Midtown 'look at me' douchebags around these here parts... I have yet to see a platoon of khakis and button down Polos marching around here and that is a beautiful thing.
The melting pot of cultures in this little town is evident in the food available only around here. These hidden in plain sight little towns put out some of the best authentic ethnic grub... They ain't trying to impress whities or Yelpers. They don't give a fuck about putting some dumbass Yelp Loves Us sticker on their window. They care about bringing a little piece of their homeland to comfort the other refugees and immigrants in this foreign land... And the best way to bring any community together is always through food, lotsa lotsa food. Walk down the Thrifttown strip mall and you will pass a couple of small restos, I was tempted to walk into the "Thai" joint to sample a couple of bites before my dinner here but I resisted the urge. I was laser focused on momos and spicy shit.
Walked in and it was dark as shit. After my eyeballs adjusted to the dimly lit room, I thought I walked into a sketchy bus station or the DMV. My eyes automatically went straight to the bar to see what brown juice was available... Sadly, the only brown juice to be had was Jack Daniels, not a very exciting beverage program, here. I could prolly get stronger brown juice from the rusty pipes in the bathroom. Besides a very limited booze selection, they also offered beer and wine.. Which you should prolly just stick to beer here. The menu was colorful and had a lot of dishes to offer from Nepal, India and even Chinese. Seems like there are a lot of fun stuff to explore here but they also have a lunch buffet that seems to offer a decent sampling of dishes for like $9. I have been to so many Indian buffets and they usually suck ass, so, I'm gonna just stick to the main menu and see what they can do before giving the lunch buffet a try. Let's go sample a few bites...
Veggie Samosa. Jesus Henry Christ, look at the size of these fuckers... I didn't know if I should eat them or stick them down my pants.... To give my manhood a boost. They were huge and looked incredible. The golden crust was flaky and warm and the tater filler inside was generous and tasty. These things were pretty damn good and totally worth getting again. The curry dipping sauce was fine, nothing special or spicy but it fills that dipping action void. We're off to a good start, let's hope it continues.
Chicken Momo. To the inexperienced eyeballs, these may look like monkey brains on a plate but they were actually the monkeys' sack that holds their other brains... The Nepalese elders claim that monkey manhood possesses magical powers like a liger... Shit, I have eaten unicorns before and that didn't do shit except give me weird colored shits like a soft serve, taste the rainbow bitches. I didn't care if it was magical, I was just popping these Monchhichi sack after sack into my facehole because they were fucking dericious. I don't know what that orange sauce was but it kinda looked like buffalo sauce and tasted like an Orange Crush reduction. It also came with an amped up chicken soup which was kinda strange... I used that as a dipping sauce for these tasty dumps, instead. Git 'em, you'll gobble them up like the Pouch did.
Wai-Wai Sadheko. I asked the server what kinda noodle was this... She says, it's uncooked and we all eat it here. Shit, then I will, too... Bring it on, hoochie mama. I was so curious about this noodle dish... Then it came out and I was like, WHA DA FUK... It was just crushed up Mi Goreng instant ramen tossed with lime juice, red onions, tomato and cilantro. And it tasted really fucking good. What's funny is that I have a few bags of Ottogi Ppushu Ppushu ramen noodle snacks at home that you just crush up and sprinkle the seasoning on it and shake it up inside the bag... The grilled chicken flavor is good but stay away from the bulgogi flavor. This dish was basically a ramen salad. It's low rent as fuck but I liked it a lot and it's fun to eat.
Mixed Chao Mein with Pork. I got this as a spoof because chow mein has become such a bastardized dish throughout the country but almost every local that came in here ordered it. This noodle dish was on every table, no fucking joke, true story. It's a strange version of chow mein but it was satisfying in a homey comfy cozy way. It's not a fancy dish and it's purpose was to taste good and fill the bellies of those who come in for a little piece of their homeland. I would have no objections of getting this again.
Lamb Vindalu. The shits and giggles are over, time for something fiery and spicy hot. I told the server to make this the hottest y'all can... No holds barred. I couldn't wait to see how spicy this was and then this came out... Looked like Deadpool's bed pan. First thought... Hey, Dopinder, where's the fries with my tomato paste ketchup? Mixed it all up and it was quite chunky, although, there were a lot more potato vs. lamb in there. It was a really thick curry and it was pretty weak in the heat level but it was pretty flavorful. The spice/heat level would be a 2 out of 10. The portion looks deceiving but they give you a really generous portion. The rice was nothing special but it mopped up all the curry quite well. If they can get the heat level maybe to a 8, then I would get it again. Why can't anyone in this measly town make anything spicy to the Pouch's standards... I know, first world, errr, third world problems.
Sahi Paneer Korma. It kinda looked like the gruel Oliver Twist asked for seconds... The menu says, homemade cottage cheese cooked with nuts in a creamy tomato sauce with spices. Did they use the tomatoes from Linda Blair's garden? It looked more satanic than the pea soup they used in the movie. Let's mix it up and see how many fingers and toes we can find... Luckily, it was all cubes of cottage cheese in there. The gravy was so thick that it started to form a skin on top when it came out to the table. Like with the vindalu, the portion was quite hefty... Too bad it didn't taste that great. It wasn't god awful but it was pretty pedestrian, no nuts or spices were detected. This is the first fail of the night... Not a bad average but I was hoping for more on this classic dish. I would skip this one.
Garlic Naan. For the price, the portion was really good. Shit, all their portions for every dish was very generous. The pic does not do it justice, these were big pieces of naan but not very garlicky, it seemed like they were just seasoned with garlic powder and baked. The char blisters were really nice and gave it a nice contrast of flavors. As always, the naan is a great vehicle to sop up the curries and gravies.
I didn't realize how much food I ordered until the server made a subtle comment, she was like, you ordered a lot of food, is your family coming, too? I'm like, nooo... Boy, how embarrassing. I looked around the room to see what the other people were ordering... Everyone had one plate, mostly the chao mein. Jesus, why am I such a fat fuck... Even refugees have no problem making fun of me, that's how disgusting I am. Then I remembered that I did it for my one reader.
I liked the place and I liked the grub. I liked how they are a small mom and pop shop that serves up big portions. I like how they are giving the refugees a little piece of home. I am totally going to try the lunch buffet now. And then head over to Thrifttown for some weird ass snacks.
Burp.
926 Montreal Rd
Clarkston, GA 30021
www.ktmkitchen.com
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