The Freakin Incan

Let's face it M572 wasn't that great. It had potential to be really good but the execution and management fumbled it over and over again. The bar looked great but the cocktails were weak and the trickster glassware they used gave the illusion that it was a full cocktail but the convex bottoms gave you less drink. The generic new southern cuisine was hit or miss. I had a couple of good dishes there but the rest was lackluster. I wasn't surprised when they finally gave up and closed the doors. And the space sat empty for awhile... Until, now. This is the Freakin Incan's second brick and mortar location. I went by this new Peruvian joint a couple times but never enticed me enough to open the door and walk in. It was quiet every time I went by and I kept moving. Then the local Tucker rag did an article about it and voila... They got bombarded on that weekend. And of course, this fat fuck couldn't help himself to see what they could do when they had customers. Can they handle the rush of curious first timers trying out self proclaimed authentic Peruvian grub in the woods of Tucker? Who knows but it will either be a treat or a shitshow... And that will dictate if they will be repeat customers in the future.
Walked in and they were pretty busy, just stood around and scratched my ball sack until someone came around to put the pouch on the seating list which they said it will be awhile. I'm ok with that since there was a bar to booze at. Ordered a pisco sour and before the drink came the table was ready... WTF happened to "it will be awhile" since they were so busy? Maybe they were on Peru time. Got put at a table all the way back in the corner, good... Did they know it was the pouch or perhaps they put fat people far away from the front door? I kinda prefer to be out of sight since the pouch is such a local celebrity in it's own puny mind and I wasn't in the mood to give out my autograph on napkins since most of them are used to wiped their greasy faceholes afterwards. Who am I kidding, they're wiping their assholes with my name. The place was pretty chaotic and the staff was running around like pollos with their cabezas cut off... Perfect time to put a bunch of dishes in and see how they handle it. Let's sample a few dishes and see if it's worthy of a revisit...

Empanada, lomo saltado. I couldn't wait to take a bite of this empanada filled with savory meat but when I cut this open it was filled with a glob of congealed queso. It took forever to get this out so I wasn't in the mood to send this back to get the correct filling which coulda been next week. The dough was flaky but the entire thing was cold and the queso inside had the texture of Play-Doh. The weird mustard sauce tasted like some all purpose joint grease. It looked good at first glance but it turned out to be a let down.

Anticuchos. Grilled beef hearts... Wow, this might be the most adventurous item on the entire menu... And, of course, the pouch had to get anything that deals with offal. The presentation looked like a French bulldog had the runs but it was pretty tasty. It was seasoned well, tender and had a nice bite to it. The fried taters and corn were just filler to make the plate look like it was worth it.

Chicharron De Pollo. Ok, this was off the kid's menu but I had to try the wings... The pouch is obsessed with wings and the server said they were "really good". And true to their description, these wings were truly for kids... They were the size of a sparrow's wing. There were the smallest wings I have ever seen. They were over fried, at least 3 times over and they were dry and chewy. The brown bag fries were so uneventful that it resembled a bird's nest for the wings to rest in... I wanted to regurgitate the partially digested wings back up into the sparrow's beak... And then please peck my eyeballs out, mama bird. But I still can't unsee it even without eyes. Yes, I know kids don't give a shit about food, so, this bowl of dry limp fries would be a hit with the youngsters.

 

Ceviche de Camaron. Let's play a new game called Where's Camaron? This entree was served on what seemed to be a side dish. It was also the most expensive item on the menu. I see the mahi mahi but is that a single shrimp hidden in there... Oh, wait, there was a total of 3 tiny shrimp on this dish, my bad. Maybe it's just me but when I order a shrimp ceviche, I kinda expected more shrimp than anything else. As a ceviche dish, it was below average, nothing to set itself apart from being anything else than looking exactly like every picture found on Google image. The "slices" of semi raw fish chunks were too thick, I prefer them to be smaller cubes so you can get a little bit of everything in each bite vs. eating everything separately. The one thing missing from this Peruvian ceviche was chile peppers or aji amarillo, there was zero heat or seasoning in this ceviche... But most people won't even notice. It was basically large fish chunks drowning in a mix of bottled and real lime and lemon juice. There was nothing on this side dish that would convince me to get this ever again... Especially, for $16.

Arroz con Pato. This was literally how it came out... The duck leg was presented upside down. It looked more like Arroz con Zapato... Because it resembled an old leathery shoe from WW2. Give me a second and let the pouch re-plate this and see if it can be more appealing...

Voila! Now, this looks a million times more appetizing for the second priciest item on the menu... All I did was turn it on the other side and scraped off the pulverized saw dust like cilantro rice. First thing I noticed was the entire plate was cold to barely room temp. The duck leg was obviously cooked in advanced... So way in advance that it was so dry and chewy that it wasn't even worth the effort to cut this leg up. I had a couple of bites and I gave up... Even the rice tasted like it was a couple of days old. So, why even bother warming it up. The entire plate tasted like it was nuked for a minute and rested like a steak in the microwave for another 5 minzies for maximum juiciness and flavor. This was prolly one of the most disappointing dish I have had in recent memory and I'm already suppressing it before my next appointment with my therapist.

Shrimp Saltado. Ceviche and zapato memories suppressed... Let's move on to something that hopefully they have to cook to order. The saltado is basically a Chinese inspired stir fry and it includes a liberal use of Asian ingredients like soy sauce, rice wine vinegar and white rice... The french fries is not really Chino unless it's served with fried chicken wings... Like on the kid's menu. Wait, did I walk into Chico and Chang, instead... Wake up, pouch, you're not that desperate, yet. But this shrimp stir fry was pretty tasty and it's a filling dish because of the double punch of starch. I can see how people would come back here for the saltado... Because everyone loves Chinese grub. 

Lomo Saltado. Ok, the shrimp proved to be a tasty dish... Let's see how the marinated beef version turned out. The beef slices were tender, juicy and pretty flavorful overall. Those Chinos really know how make a tasty dish. Another filling dish that's worth the price. I assume the chicken saltado will be just as tasty. I'm surprised that they didn't have an arroz chaufa on the menu which is a classic Peruvian street food inspired by the huge Chinese immigrant community in Peru. They went with a stir fried noodle dish, instead.

The Pisco Sour was acceptable, the Dry County 41 cocktail tasted like Red Bull, the food were more misses than hits... The ceviche and duck were dismal but the saltados were tasty but not craveworthy enough for the pouch to come back any time soon. The staff also sat at the table next to mine and took a break while some tables were still waiting for their dishes... Which was really weird and something you just don't do while the resto was still in service. Jesus, that's like restaurant 101. But I do hope they can keep this space filled and in business because Main Street needs all the business it can get, but I don't know if the locals will put this joint on their rotation on a regular basis unless they get their freakin subpar dishes in order... So, this fat fuck doesn't get accused of libel, slander or defamation for poorly executed dishes like those Yelp fuckers... I wonder if I can sue for defamation and slandering this disgusting fat body after all this food.

2316 Main St., Ste C
Tucker, GA 30084
www.thefreakinincan.com