PONKO Chicken

If there's fwied cheekan to be had, the pouch will sniff it out no matter where it is located... And there is a newish cheekan joint that decided to make their coop off an access road on Chamblee Tucker Rd. This area is like a blackhole, no one comes around here. It kinda reminds me of a rest stop off the Jersey Turnpike... But not even low rent hookers will service any Johns in this wretched hive of scum and villainy. But the pouch will cruise for action anywhere when it comes to cheekan. This is the strangest location for a fast casual resto, there is absolutely zero visibility or foot traffic around here. But I will bet that the rent here is prolly cheap as fuck and required minimal start up costs. There's some warehouses and offices around here but it still baffles the mind on their location choice... But that doesn't bother the pouch, I have risked life and limb in shithole areas of Atlanta all in the name of chicken. This location is a cake walk... Pulled into the lot and it was surprisingly busy. Seems like they do a lot of pick up/take out orders during lunch. The inside is modern and clean and looked surprisingly nice for a cheekan joint. Their entire menu is a spin off the Japanese tonkatsu, instead of a breaded fried pork cutlet, it's all chicken... And veggie patty or tofu is also available if you're into that crap. There is no bone-in cheekan options, boooo! But let's take a first look, anyways...

Spicy Ponko Tenders Plate, Ponko fries. It's like 4 decent size chicken tenders with 2 sides for $10. The tenders were crispy on the outside and moist on the inside, the spicy sauce coated the tenders fully. It wasn't that spicy but it will do for most pedestrians. The Ponko fries were just ok... Seasoned lightly with spices and herbs but they were pretty crispy. I liked the tenders, they're pretty good quality. I would prolly get them again if I was cruising for action around here but I would get the sauce on the side next time so they stay extra crispy longer.

Potato Salad. This was the second side with the plate... And it was a real snoozer. It was creamy with some toothy bites but it was pretty much bland and under seasoned. Their other sides are pretty limited and nothing really that interesting.

Ponko Rice Box, pickles, ranch. This is the basic rice box for $7, it's just rice and chicken with a little ranch and pickles. This was the regular Ponko tenders which were just as tasty as the spicy ones. I mean it's just friggin panko breaded tenders deep fried and thrown in a box with rice, it's not rocket science or some new culinary invention.. It's just simple food and it hits the stop for a quick snack but I would get bored real fast if I ate this regularly.

It's a cute little chicken tender spot in the middle of nowhere but it looks like they're just doing fine during the lunch rush. I doubt they're as busy later in the evening but who knows... I won't be reporting on the dinner crowd because I will prolly be too fucked up to drive that far up once the sun goes down along with the brown juice down into the pouch... But my one fan is more than welcomed to check it out, they are open till 10PM daily... Usually, around the same time that I'll be crying myself to sleep in a church basement somewhere.

2896 Chamblee Tucker Rd
Atlanta, GA 30341
www.ponkochicken.com

Popeyes Ghost Pepper Wings

It's been awhile since I made a visit to my beloved mistress... I'm so fat these days that I limit myself to visit Popeyes only once a month. Well, that's what I tell myself because I can barely get up and fit in my car on a daily basis. But now, Popeyes has once again given me a reason to get off my medical grade visco elastic memory foam mattress for the rotund class with their newest promo product, the Ghost Pepper Wings. Their commercials looked promising and dericious... And after watching it for the 4th time, I already had one foot off the bed with a sock half on. That may not sound like much to the average person with a normal BMI, but for the pouch that's like Neil Armstrong... One small step for portly men, one giant leap for pouchkind.
I threw on a moo-moo and oozed myself into the car and proceeded to the nearest drive thru. My lips were chapped from this cold weather and I needed an application of grease on my cheekan lips, STAT. I don't know how many times I licked my lips from them being chapped or just thinking about these wings while I waited and waited in the drive thru line. I shoulda just went inside, instead... But I was afraid of breaking down another door in my haste and excitement, it was so embarrassing that last time. I finally inched my way to the window and was handed a bag of piping hot wings, the bag was so hot it was steaming when it hit the cold air from the window to my car. I hope these are as good as they smell... I drove home as quick as I could to dive right in... The suspense was killing me... Like the corns on my feet from laying in bed for an extended period of time. Finally, rolled myself into the house and ripped the bag open like an entitled snot nosed kid on Christmas morning in total exhilaration for my prize... 

The official box made it look legit... Time to open the prize.

We happy? Vincent?! We happy? Yeah, we happy... Look at that spread, it looks more valuable than Bitcoin. That is pure cheekan gold. They give you 6 pieces of drums and flats and a biscuit. I was wheezing from the steaming wings with a spicy aroma that's unique to the ghost peppers. Picked one up and the flaky texturous crust had an ultra crunchy feel. Took a bite, yep, it was super crispy and crunchy like all their signature cheekan and the meat was juicy and tender... But one thing was missing... The heat of the ghost pepper. While the wings had hints of bright red spots on them, they lacked the heat like with anything that has come into contact with ghost peppers. They were not ghost pepper spicy at all, but they should make these as their everyday standard spicy level chicken. The wings themselves were good but I would not get them again since their regular cheekan is still the best. But these wings did the trick to lube my fried chicken lips back to normal pH levels and lubed my fat ass with more cushion for the pushin'... Bless my toilet's heart.

Golden Eagle

I know what y'all are thinking... Did the Eagle open another location with golden showers? Don't be embarrassed, I was thinking the exact same thing... Well, that's because I'm an obeast sicko and my pea brain is always in the gutter like how Popeyes is always in the pouch. But no, this ain't the Eagle #2 and there isn't any water sports involved. This is the new swanky cocktail bar with a throw back decor from the golden age with a lodgey feel. It's a nice cozy space and they poured a good amount of loot in here and the horseshoe shaped bar is evident of the classy style they're trying to purvey. But what about the crowd, pouch? Will Atlanta's millennials and pedestrians embrace this style and location... By the looks of the large crowd on a recent Friday night, yes and no. Almost everyone in here were here just from the hype, the see and be seen crowd, and the 'first to review' Yelper types.
Enough of the dweebs in here, pouch, what about the food and booze? The cocktail menu kinda reminded me of the SOS Tiki Bar and the food menu had a Ticonderoga Club feel. I almost throw up a lil when I saw a $33 brick chicken and a $10 wedge salad on the menu. But there were some interesting items on the menu but I saw the crab rangoons the people next to me ordered and they were just an insult to all the slutty hole in the wall Chino joints. Before we get to the grub, it's time to booze first... Nothing on their cocktail menu sounded that interesting, so, I got a sazerac but they decided to make me a drink off their cocktail menu instead. I said to the server when he brought it over that there's no way that was a sazerac, it looked like an orange Fanta... Ok, I like orange. So, I took a sip and it tasted ok, told the server I rather have the sazerac... But instead, of leaving the drink as a kind gesture for waiting 25 minutes for the wrong drink, he whisked that drink right into the sink... What a fucking waste, that's alcohol abuse, yo. I put in a bunch of plates, so, while I waited for my drink again and the food to come by, the only thing I had was a glass of tap water to whet my appetite... It's clean, it's cold, now, that's what I call high quality H2O to cleanse the palate. Fuck that... Water sucks, Gatorade is better... And booze is even better. Jesus, now, I'm getting the sweats and twitches from withdrawal. The pouch's BAC level needs to be maintained at a minimum of .16-.19% or else bad shit happens... Literally, it gives me bad shits being sober. Speaking of IBS-D, let's see if the grub will be an enabler to my chronic curse...

Crispy Shaved Okra, lime salt. I liked this tasty littl snack, it's a great finger food for my fat stubby sausage fingaz to claw at. They were pretty good and it was a decent portion. They reminded me of fried green beans.

Burrata, roasted acorn squash, pistachio-sorghum butter, blackberries. It's not a bad looking dish but there's a lot going on in there... Locating the main star of the plate was a bit difficult until I noticed a gooey mass under the acorn squash... Usually, a gooey mass can be found in my underpants the morning after from boozing all night long and passing out on the bathroom floor. The burrata was creamy but needed seasoning even with all that stuff on it. The flavors worked pretty well and ask for more bread because those two thin slices of grilled bread ain't gonna do it. I would order it again if I had a couple of drinks in me first... Speaking of which, Jesus, I'm still waiting on that goddamn sazerac.

Okonomiyaki, basil, mint, togarashi, bonito. What the fuck is that? Looked like a M-80 exploded on that plate. The moving bonito on top is an old party trick but the pedestrians here are eating that shit up like it's alive. The pancake was basically all napa cabbage and not enough batter. It's far from a classic okonomiyaki but no one here will even know the difference between this and Yoko Ono, anyways.

Garlic Knots. I'm not a fan of garlic knots but somehow the roundeyes eat this shit up like there's no tomorrow. The worst offender of this specimen is Ippolito's greasy ass garlic rolls and I thought it couldn't get any greasier until I encountered these creastures swimming in a buttery grease bath. They would be acceptable if they weren't so lubed up and once is more than enough for a lifetime. This ain't no bar grub.

Steak Tartare, smoked bone marrow, herb salad, grilled sourdough. It looked pretty impressive when it came out but after reading the menu again this looked worse than the bone marrow topped off with 2 cups of tobiko at Blue Top. Who thought spreading steak tartare on top of the bone marrow would be a good idea... I understand what their thought process was on this but that doesn't mean it's a good idea in execution and for the paying customer. You're gonna have to scrape off all the tartare anyways to get to the marrow... And plus, that way they don't have to put that much tartare on there as well. The little portion of tartare and marrow was way off in the spread to bread ratio... That giant piece of bread was like a garden paver. They should have switched breads with the burrata. Overall, it was borderline acceptable, it wasn't awful in taste but there's not much meat on this bone... But if you like bread, you're in for a treat.

Griddled Sweetbreads, mostarda, toasted sesame. I luv me some offal but this sweetbread was tiny, it wasn't even the size of a Matchbox car. The sweetbreads were overcooked, tough and unseasoned. It was pretty much a waste of time and money on this dish. Skip it and spend it on something else more fulfilling, instead, on this limited menu.

This location has always been cursed but I like what they have done here, they did a great job on the design and space, I even kinda like that giant moose head above the bar... I know it's kinda gaudy and faddy but it works in this space. The gimmicky cocktail menu looked ok, the drinks were average and the food menu needs some work, it's not that interesting but it works for now and will definitely need to evolve down the road. The service was pretty attentive. The crowd is annoying at times but what do you expect with a new place that has been hyped up... I don't know if this will be on my rotation with this first look but I know that I will let this place die down before I head back to see if they have improved... And the mandatory valet is just ridiculous for this concept. Everyone fucking hates valet because they can give two fucks about your car... And that alone makes me not want to go back any time soon... Or I should just ride my motorcycle there next time so they can't fuck it up.
Bless their hearts.

904 Memorial Dr SE
Atlanta, GA 30316
www.goldeneagleatl.com

Village Burger

I can't believe I'm saying this but Main Street in Tucker is kinda cute and has that homey small town feel. It kinda reminds me of Punxsutawney in Groundhogs Day because every once in awhile you can spot a giant rodent like creasture named Phil drinking a beer at the Local 7... I think he saw his shadow and scurried back into his hellhole and then Snowpocalypse befell upon Atlanta last week. Now, the snow has cleared, the milk and bread supply has been exhausted and it's time for da Pouch to venture out to scavenge for food. There's a handful of eateries on this stretch... Matthews Cafeteria has been around for a long time and a local favorite, a Mexican't joint, a growler spot, M572 which closed not too long ago and replaced by the Freakin Incan, and the newly opened Village Burger. I have never been to this burger joint since they're located out in the boonies of Dunwoody and Johns Creek. Ok, the new Tucker location is not exactly close to the city but it's their closest location without dealing with a ton of traffic and distance. 
It looks kinda small from the outside but once you go inside, it's quite roomy. It's the standard slaughter house concept- get in line, order at the counter, get a number, find a table and wait to be fed. The grub comes out pretty quickly but that's not a surprise, since the kitchen looked like it was running in 6th gear, humming along nicely. I thought my fat body sack would blend in here with the other fat fucks grazing in here but the patrons were not as obeast as I thought initially... Don't get me wrong here, there were a few oinkers guzzling down burgers like Wimpy on a Saturday but there were also a lot of high school type kids and families here, too. Time to fill up this abyss of a marsupial pouch with little Joey burgers, let's take a gander...

Chicken Tenders. The tenders are a little on the thin side but the crust was crispy and not too thick which made up for the size. But they give you a nice portion of it. I wished they had better sauces to dip these little chippies into. Not bad but I don't know if I would get them again.

Chicago Dog, topped with mustard, relish, onion, pickle, tomato, sport peppers and celery salt. Dude, I think there's two wieners on that bun... I mowed the garden down to the side and there sure was two pizzle skin flutes in there. What the fuck is this about? This musta been a mistake.. But I ain't gonna open my fat snout about it except to inhale this double hog. The dogs tasted like bland cheapo wieners from Piggly Wiggly... Ikea's hot dogs have more flavor than these things. The bun was so overloaded with all that crap on top you could barely eat it.. But make no mistake, this was not a Chicago Dog whatsoever. I wanted to ask them if they had chopsticks to eat this with... But then I remember I had a travel foldable pair on me, never leave home without it. Skip this Chicago fraud.

House Burger. Their basic burger. You can pile as much free shit on there as you please but why? Just keep it simple with the basics so you can actually taste the burger itself. It's an acceptable burger, it was seasoned ok and it wasn't dried out, really nothing to write home about, but it works for them and their target audience. It ain't gonna win any awards but all the 5 year olds in here gave it a thumbs up. See? Screw you Pouch and your fancypants taste, our local VIPs love it and now, we're.. Vindicated! I just got kicked in the nads by kindergartners... Bless your heart, Village Burger.

Onion Rings & Fried Pickles. You can do a half and half of basically anything on their sides menu which is nice. Both the rings and pickles were pretty good... Seems like their sides are better than the mains here.

It's totally acceptable to grab a quick Village burger and other snacks here every now and then... Even for a rotund village idiot like me that will eat anything, but I must admit, I would be back only if I was in the area and nothing else was open. Let's face it, burger joints like this are a dime a dozen and there's one on every corner. Shit, even Flip Burger with the celebrity name and money behind it has basically closed all their stores including their primo Buckhead location that just bit the dust quietly. I like to support local restos but it's just not craveworthy enough to get me back here on a weekly or even monthly basis but for this cozy little Main street and the locals that live around here, this little burger joint may just do it for them.

2329 Main St.
Tucker, GA 30084
http://villageburger.com/

Yebisuya Ramen

Ramen joints are a dime a dozen these days, they are fucking everywhere in every major city... That's even true for Atlanta which is kinda amazing. I see more ramen joints than I see chicken bones on the streets in Atlanta. Yes, if y'all didn't noticed, a ton of ramen chains, local and national, have been popping up everywhere in this one horse town. Ramen is on a fast track to replace the taco with the gringos who's eternal love for Mexican't slop is just plain perplexing... Now, all the hipsters are on a ramen and pho kick. This new ramen joint has been in the works for awhile... It was a bit surprising to find out that Shoya was behind this project which is only a couple doors down. Shoya already has a kick ass menu which included a plethora of ramen bowls and they are pretty damn good already...
 So, why open up a joint dedicated to ramen on a few feet away from their flagship and next to Kula, the newish conveyor belt sushi? After dominating this vacant strip mall for years since they opened, maybe they wanted to lock down another space before it gets all gobbled up with all the new recent activity this once dead mall has been seeing in the last couple years. It's like all of the sudden people realized this mall was here... And a bunch of new restos have been opening up shop, some doing well and others not so well. This new ramen venture could prove to be a godsend or a total fucking disaster for the Shoya team.
Since, I love shit shows so much, I couldn't wait to find out what's the deal was with this ramen joint... With Shoya behind it and known for their quality execution on their menu, this could be the next it ramen joint. Time for the pouch to make a trip to the goat rodeo.
Jesus fucking Christ, there was a line out front longer than the human centipede part 3. Walked in and put the pouch's name down on the list... They said it was about a 30 minute wait, fine, I'll just take a walk around Brandsmart and look for a new Tempur-Pedic because my shitty mattress is crushed, air coils and springs got nothing on me. Waddled back here and the line haven't moved an inch... It's even longer. At least the place was full of FOBs which was a good sign. Every one of those slopes were on the phone looking so serious like they were trying to negotiate a peace accord to disarm North Korea's nuclear program.

I hope they came to an agreement with some concessions... Speaking of concessions... Fucking feed me already, Seymour! I'm starving! I need blood... It's getting too stuffy in here with all this diplomacy going on, I'm going outside to check out the display window.

I love this shit out front. Plastic food displays are usually a good sign. They do this shit all over in Asia. We may be in for a treat, motherfuckers... They just need to hurry the fuck up and bus some empty tables.

Let's take a closer look at the details... This plastic food is making da pouch growl with hunger pains. Went back in and looked on his chicken scratch list, still fucking 4 groups to go before me... Pouch is getting upset! ...Wait, did someone say cheekan? Finally, after another 15 minzies of standing on the newly developed corns on my hoofs, they called for the pouch. First thing I'm doing is slamming down a couple of brewskis...

Papa Beer and Baby Beer. So, I asked them how big is the large vs. the medium... The answer was "I don't know" and then the server points to another table with the beer size. Ok, that's helpful, you fucking putz. Fine, I'll get one of each then. I need a beer chaser for my beer shot. The Asahi Super Dry large was pretty big but not worth $12. Even the medium for $6 was a rip... Am I in Buckhead? Shoya's house whisky is $6 and they pour like 8 ounces in that motherfucker. But whatever, let's get some grub...

Chuuka Karage, marinated jelly fish w/ veggies. This was a tasty little treat. It was seasoned nicely and had a great crunch to them. Coulda been a bit more spicy but it was totally acceptable. Next...

Yakisoba w/ pork. Look at this sad sack of shit. Putting a turd on a fancy white square plate doesn't make it look anymore appetizing. This was a sad sight to behold because over at Shoya, they put their yakisoba on a sizzler plate, hot and sizzling and fucking tastes amazing. This specimen looked like shitty lo mein from any hole in the wall Chino joint. It was liquidity and mushy and lacked any flavor. It was executed so half-assed that my fat ass barely got through a quarter of this slop. I threw this up later without assistance and it looked exactly the same as it did on the plate in my white toilet bowl. Skip this overpriced plate of worms, Michael.

Tonkatsu. Finally, something that looked correctly executed... And it was. It was crispy and crunchy on the outside and tender and moist on the inside. The Japanese hot mustard cleans you out so you smell all the yum yums about to come. Good shit... More, send more food.

Yulinchi Fried Chicken, Chinese ginger sauce. What da fuck is this? I knew I shoulda ordered the fucking regular chicken kaarage... But noooooo, this fat fuck had to be adventurous and order this soaking fried chicken dish. First of all, there wasn't even any hint of ginger flavor or aroma, it tasted like grated daikon with mirin sweetened soy sauce dumped all over the once was crispy crust. I liked that they used dark meat but this whole execution was so bad that the crust started falling off like that Nazi Gestapo agent's face in Raiders of the Lost Ark. You can tell that they just put the broken crust pieces back on top of it because it didn't even fit correctly... They prolly suck at Jenga. This whole dish was a soggy mess and lacked any distinguishable flavor... Which is baffling because it's friggin fried cheekan and we all know that all fried cheekan is full of flavor. This chicken must have been made in China because it tasted like a knock off. This dish coulda been so much better if it was done right, but for now I would just stick with the kaarage... If I ever make it back here for a next time.

Premium Tonkotsu Ramen. For a few seconds, I though about getting the tonkotsu black ramen... But my pouch said stick with the plan you fat fuck. They have a "powerful" bowl that is like twice the size... I was tempted but what if it sucked ass? Luckily, I stuck with the regular size bowl... Well, that's because I was thinking about getting another bowl to try after this one. After arriving in front of my snout, I was so damn glad I did not get the "powerful" bowl. Look at that egg.. It's totally hard boiled and had a faint hint of color from the shoyu on the outside. It's like they just dipped the egg in dark soy before throwing it into the bowl. Took a sip of the broth and closed my eyeballs... What the fuck, yo? Absolutely tasteless... Nothing. No collagen, no stickiness, no rich creaminess, no bone flavor. It was like a triple watered down can of generic cream of mushroom soup from Food Lion without the mushroom bits. They squeezed off a few squirts of oil in there to pretend it was collagen rich. Totally fucking weak ass bullshit tonkotsu broth... I can't believe Shoya would put this garbage out and charge money for it. Let's take a deeper dive into the rest of the ingredients... 

The straight noodles seemed legit for a tonkotsu but it tasted off, chalky and mushy... It's like a double kick to the nads with bad broth and bad ramen. I was so done with this tonkotsu ramen 60 seconds in... The chashu pork was fine, that had more flavor than anything else in this bowl. The fermented bamboo slices (menma) were acceptable as well. But that hard boiled egg was just a slap in the face from a place that should have known better. This entire bowl was truly a let down... Which really bums me out because Shoya has been killing it for so long. I just don't get why they could be so off the mark with this tonkotsu vs. Shoya's tonkotsu only steps away. I don't know if it's just opening kinks but I doubt it, they know the difference between a properly made tonkotsu broth and something slapped together with instant semi homemade shit. I would just skip this garbage and wait until they get their shit together... Well, let's hope they can get their shit together because this first impression makes me want to run over to H Mart and buy a month's supply of instant tonkotsu ramen before I come back here for it... Which the Nissin instant tonkotsu ramen is light years better than this dismal display. See below...

Jesus, I am such a fucking ball buster... But seriously, this instant tonkotsu ramen is legit for under a dollar. They also have the black garlic oil tonkotsu flavor, too, which is even better... Holy shit, I'm getting hungry again.

The best thing about this new ramen joint is the display case out front... Just stop by and admire the wonderful display of craftsmanship of plastic ramen bowls and then keep walking down to Shoya for a proper bowl of ramen and other izakaya goodies... And say, "Good luck, suckaz!" to all the dopes waiting over an hour to sample this slop. Come to think of it, I should have taken my own advice... But my muffin top clearly have cut off the blood flow to my tiny brain. Walking out of this joint afterwards was like doing the walk of shame after beer goggling a fugly heifer the night before at Five Paces Inn. And I am so ashamed right now for even writing this up... Bless Shoya's heart.

Flush.


6035 Peachtree Road, #A-105
Doraville, GA 30360
http://yebisuyaramen.com/