Outback Steakhouse

Have y'all ever come home after a long day at work on a Friday night and try to come up with a place to eat... Trolling endlessly online for a new place to slay but can't seem to find anything because you have been to all of them? Prolly not because the cool kids never stay home on a Friday night and just stare at the wall and cry themselves to sleep like a fat girl... Ok, I'm not a cool kid nor a girl but I am fat and I may have done it a few dozen times in the past... But that doesn't make me any less of a loser than I already am in my entire miserable existence. So, what do you do when you have run out of ideas or no ideas at all... You turn on the TV, open up a bag of chips, start crying into your Big K cola and Early Times whiskey cocktail and then an Outback Steakhouse commercial comes on at the lowest point of your life and a sexy younger Crocodile Dundee voice starts shilling their "back by popular demand" steak and lobster special in his aboriginal accent... "It's back for a limited time. We pair our tender, seasoned & seared steaks with the king of the sea. A bountiful, mouthwatering steamed lobster."
First of all, who is calling Outback headquarters and demanding them to bring this back? Was there a consensus taken? How come, I didn't get one... Second, I know what y'all are saying... Why are you going to this low rent redneck dump, pouch? Look, motherfuckers, I don't discriminate, I'll eat anything and I'll even wear a pink pussy hat while dining there... Imagine A day without Pouch and the entire eating world will protest and riot... Well, at least in my nightmares. But since, I have never heard of this obviously very popular combo before, maybe it was time to put on the Depends and mosey on over there... But the big question was... Where the fuck is an Outback's? I don't care if I have to drive to upstate Georgia, I'm gonna get me a fucking manmeat and sea roach special. No rules, just right... Into the pouch, motherfuckers!

Black Barrel Irish Tea. Luckily, I found an Outback's right in town because there was no fucking way I could wait any longer to get a cocktail in my face funnel. This specimen got Jameson and something something something with a sprig of mint. Took a gulp and then noticed that it also had fresh squeezed lemon, mango and Gold Peak^® Tea... Per the drink menu but c'mon, who has time to read all the ingredients on a drink menu, I get too antzy when it comes to booze within striking distance. It's obviously not a craft cocktail with top shelf shit but for a gimmicky chain resto, it's good enough for the barn animals that feed here.

Coconut Shrimp. I know it's a big box chain resto but there's gotta be some kind of pride and decency back there in the kitchen... But after this pitiful display, I'm not so sure there's any pride back there, just prejudice against these poor little skrimpz. Look at that plate... This shit still haunts me when I'm deep in thought on the can. Jesus, I know 5th graders that can plate a more appetizing presentation than this. As for the taste, they're no Bahama Breeze... Why I get a hard-on for BB's coconut skrimpz, I have no idea, it must be the Danish part of me.

Caesar Salad. Looks like a standard issue C-salad but after eating it, I wanted a C-section, STAT. Is caesar dressing suppose to be liquidity like an overflowing sewage drain? Nevermind I asked...

Side Salad. Your classic boring salad with a side of beef bone broth... Oh, wait, that must be the dressing. Jesus, is salad dressing suppose to be hot? That bowl was at least 120 degrees... Musta just came out of the dishwasher. You can sous vide meat in there.

Sirloin and Lobster. This was the main event right here... I wonder if they have color photos on the wall of how every plate should look like in the kitchen because every single dish that came out had the same template... Which was just "throw it on the plate". Besides the awful plating, the meat and lobster didn't look half bad for $15... But then you gotta ask yourself, broseph, dude.. What do you really expect for $15 on a steak and lobster... Shit, I didn't care to think that far ahead. I got too excited just to be going out on a Friday night like one of the cool kids... But they were obviously somewhere else cooler. I cut the steak open and I couldn't believe it was cooked to temp- rosy mid-rare as requested... WTF, am I dreaming? It was juicy and had a decent little char on the outside but it wasn't really seasoned that well... So, I dipped the steak in the clarified butter... Is that wrong? Fuck, do you just become an instant redneck when you walk through those doors or what? No rules, is right, motherfuckers. The lobster looked so prefabbed... Somebody in a factory somewhere plucked that tail outta the shell and made it all pretty looking and then threw it in a freezer with hundreds of other tails. There was no way they prepped this in house, there's too much skill involved here to make it look like this, like the repetitious skills on a processing line somewhere. The lobster meat had zero taste, as if all the flavor of the sea bottom drained away when it was defrosted and steamed off. The lemon didn't do a goddamn thing to enhance the flavor of the lobster, neither did the butter... Because I used it all on the steak. Bottomline- You get what you paid for... But you know what? For what it was, the common folk can enjoy some pseudo-upscale meal with this special that is affordable and aligns with their disposable income. I ain't gonna rip them a new asshole, they are doing exactly what their demographics is asking them for. I guess... Good job, you motherfuckers.

I don't come here much, maybe once a year if that... But sometimes, you just want something less complicated and simple and don't want to do the rounds around town. I'm not really a fan of this place but their fucking commercial suckered me in with their good'day mate accent and juicy steak and lobster at a vulnerable time in my life... When I was hungry and bored and they gave me hope and a change of underpants and also another reason not to make another visit until next year or later... And I will still not get that fucking blooming onion ever again. Once is a lifetime with that fried grease ball... I think I'm still digesting the one I ate from 2014.

Anywhere U.S.A.