Bahama Breeze

I know what y'all are thinking... Why the fuck has the Pouch been so low rent lately with all these chain restos and sub shops. Listen, you prejudice intolerant grazing mofos, the pouch doesn't discriminate, it only delivers what my one fan wants to know about all foods high and low brow. I will eat anything because I preach and practice tolerance and peace... Or is that piece as in a 10 piece box of Popeyes. The pouch is it's own creature, no one controls that saggy fat bag, not even me. It's his world I'm just living in it and my job is to drive him to places that serve food. You know what, that was all bullshit, I have no idea why I came here except that I got gift card from my mom and she thought I would like the coconut shrimp... Wait, they have coconut skrimpz? Fuck yeah, bro... Let's go.
Looked on Google maps and this place is like way the fuck upstate GA in Duluth... Jesus, I have to eat with the mossbacks in the same room? So, I come up with a plan to go right when they open for lunch... Then I can sneak in, eat that slop, make my assessment and get the fuck out ASAP. Of course, plans made on the quick always ends up as planned... Right? Naturally... 
The location is so weird, perched on top of a half-assed parking lot that doesn't even make sense, that lot was prolly really fucking cheap. The place itself is pretty large and has the cheesy Caribbean island/tiki theme... But I kinda liked it. What I didn't like was the wet sticky menu... Who the fuck was beating off to the fish tacos page? Why does this joint remind me of the movie "Waiting" all of the sudden...

Chicken Empanadas. WTF? These don't look half bad... Where the fuck am I again? The pastry was crunchy, flaky and not greasy at all... WTF. How can this be? I was expecting to get some juicy beat off material for my review to destroy this place... But the empanadas destroyed my hopes for that. The chicken filling was pretty impressive as well and this was totally acceptable... I fucking hate saying that. But I must report the truth no matter how much it hurts and tasted better than I wanted it to.

Conch Fritters. C'mon, there is no fucking way this will be better than the sick fresh conch fritters I had at Twin Brothers in Bahamas. I was right, they were not, not even close... But there were pretty respectable. Jesus, what the fuck are you doing to me here... How am I gonna rip them a new asshole if you don't help me out and give me some ammo to work with. The golden brown crust was a bit crunchy outside and had a nice fluffy texture inside... Surprisingly, it had a decent amount of conch bits in there. They kinda surprised me on these bites as well... This must be a goddamn dream right now.

Coconut Shrimp Dinner. This was what my mama told me about... And it's kinda glorious. 8 rather large butterflied skrimpz with a nice coconut breading "fried to perfection" and they fucking mean it, yo! I'm still asking myself where the fuck I am. I can't breathe... Someone open a window. I was expecting some awful plating but the line cooks seemed to actually give a shit about presentation... Am I getting soft? These coconut shrimp are friggin addictive because they are so slutty dericious... Have I all of the sudden become trailer park trash for liking this? What is wrong with me... Don't answer that.

Key West Fish Tacos, Mahi Mahi. I wanted to keep with the seafood theme and I had a feeling the fish tacos will be ultra gringorized with the flour tortillas and the filler on top blanketing the fake mahi mahi... I was half right and half surprised. The flour tortilla while gringo as fuck might have actually been better to hold all that shit in there. The filler was surprisingly light, just some diced tomatoes and cilantro on top. The mahi mahi was grilled and not burnt but the most important thing was that it was real. Ain't no substitute fish in there. For a crackerized fish taco, it was not too shabby. Would I get it again? Prolly not... But the black beans and rice was pretty tasty.

Pina Colada. When in Duluth, gotta do what the Duluthians do... Drink silly prefab tropical drinks but mostly because I wanted booze and to stay within the theme of the joint. Yeah, right, like that's believable.

I don't know what to think of this place... I was ready to tear them a new asshole but I got a nice rim job, instead. That fucking coconut shrimp should be illegal or regulated like everything else in this country, where's big bro when you need him to stop obesity at chain restos... Because that shit is like a drug, you keep eating them one after another just to get that next crunchy fix and they won't even stop you after 9 orders. It's more addictive than blow... I would totally do a couple lines of prawn off a hooker's ass. I know y'all are wondering if the pouch really thinks the food here is really that good or am I getting paid? That's a big fuck no to both, but for a filthy chain resto, the grub was surprisingly edible. I may have to come back here to see what kinda hillbilly tomfoolery there are on the weekends... It's prolly better than going to the zoo.