Poor Calvin's Ramen Special

Fusion. Yeah, that word. I have had problems with it in the past. This place is all about fusion. The menu is a mix of all your classic gimmicky fusion hits like pineapple fwied wice served inside a real pineapple. But we're not here to discuss the regular menu, I'm here to examine their special specimen on Thursday nights only, the Ramen special.

Chef Special Ramen - Miso duck broth, fried lobster tail, Peking duck (what?), egg, egg noodle. I take my ramen serious, especially, anyone who does a one night special because it's suppose to be special. This dish sounds great on paper but let me start by saying this bowl was $22. Yes, twenty-(I-want-my-fucking)-two dollars! Asked the server what exactly is inside this $22 chef's special ramen, answer- I don't know, whatever he wants to put in there. Boy, that was the answer I was looking for, I can die now. He could put an egg and a piece of salad shrimp in there and call it a day. I don't want a fucking ramen omakase. But he did assure me that it does include the fried lobster tail only after pulling 3 teeth out of him. OK, how was it? First taste is always the broth...Slurp slurp- heavy on the miso but you can taste the duck broth. After awhile that miso builds up in your mouth and gets saltier and saltier and you get thirstier and thirstier.. What am I eating, a fucking pretzel? The other thing to do right away is to take that fried lobster tail out of the broth because that once crispy batter turned soggier than an unchanged diaper for 3 days. The funny thing about this fried lobster tail is that it was still attached to the shell at the very end, that's fusion art for ya because that tail was fused onto that shell like it was attached with a MIG welder. Make it as difficult to eat, pweez. The tail wasn't bad, shit, is any fried lobster bad? The soy soaked eggs were nice, still a little runny, I prefer more runny but it was fine. The noodles were not ramen, not even close, its Chinese egg noodles. You know, that dried stuff we buy at the market that comes like 8 little danish shapes per bag. That shit is cheap and it's great for a snack with some oyster sauce and gai lan, but at $2-fucking-2, I want primo noods. The "Peking" duck pieces in there got lost within that miso abyss, it was there and I knew what I was chewing but totally flavorless. It was a nice effort and I understand what they're trying to accomplish here but the execution and combination of ingredients fell flat. This is why fusion is such a shady subject, sometimes it's not meant to be. And for $22 a bowl, I want that shit to be perfect and I want to drink all of the broth which I couldn't. Boy, these pretzels are making me thirty.   

Basil Rolls - fresh vegetables wrapped in soft-skin rice paper, curry mustard sauce. Ok, I couldn't resist and ordered a couple other small dishes to kill time while my special ramen was being expertly prepared. Dude, WTF is that jizz on top? Why, it's the curry mustard sauce. Garbage. Why can't you leave well enough alone? Or at least put the sauce in a small dipping dish. This roll was so loosely put together to give it that illusion of volume and girth... Kinda like my blow up sheep doll. Wait, did I say that out loud? Jury, please disregard the witness's last remarks. This thing was so bad, had zero flavor even with that mustard curry sauce. If you don't shove that entire thing in your mouth in one shot, it's coming... Apart. That's what she said. Awful.

Kale Peking Duck Salad - mango, apple, thai citrus dressing. Hey, kale is the new it thing... At Panda Express. The kale is fried here.. fried so much that it's retaining about a quart of oil. Put that shit in your mouth and it's like swimming out to the Valdez with your mouth open. There is so little leafy greens than even a vegan would protest. The dressing was so overloaded it made every thing wet and oily. It was almost inedible. It's like a dressed salad that was left out for hours under the sun. They did put a decent amount of Peking duck in there... Even though the Peking duck was kinda suspect. But I'll be nice and let them have that one. Yeah, sure it's Peking duck, pal.

 Now, I know why this place is named Poor Calvin's... Bless his heart.

I ended up at Popeyes after for a snack... I was friggin starvin' and it was so good. As usual.

Not all was lost.

Burp.