Sweet Auburn BBQ

A lot of people were sad and mad when Hector closed up Pura Vida. The food/tapas there was real solid and definitely one the better grubberies intown if not around all of Atlanta. He's a good cook and had a great thing going with Pura Vida and Super Pan but greedy little slumlord motherfuckers always want to squeeze the last drop of blood from you when you're finally making a little scratch. That's when big H said scratch these cojones. So, this town lost a great place to chow because of greed... But will this prime location ever get a decent eatery back in the space. Let's take a first look at the newest BBQ joint intown. The space is built out pretty nice, looks like a respectable Que joint. I liked the bar, it had booze in it. Too bad the bartender was too busy putting together called in lunch orders to go instead of putting in my order at the bar. Not blaming the guy but couldn't they get one of the 10 servers just sitting around pulling their puds to put to-go orders together for pick up? There's customers waiting at the bar, a couple even walked out because of the wait. What genius put this work flow together, the Hamburglar?

Smoked Wings. I woulda gone with anything besides the BBQ sauce (spicier the better) but my buddy wanted BBQ sauce instead... Wow, what an adventurous eater. Dick. Who am I kidding this guy would eat cardboard and tell me it was good. Besides the boring as shit BBQ sauce the wings weren't half bad. Plump, tender and a hint of smoke... Or was that just the smelly hobo sitting a couple chairs down from me? They were not fully smoked, more like finished off in a smoker. But at the end of the day, I would order more of these with a different sauce.

Pulled Chicken Texas Sando. My buddy wanted to be cool and be gluten free for lunch since we're in hipster land... So he starts pulling all the chicken out on the tray and he finds a ginormous rib bone. It was like the size of Peter North's wang. He woulda definitely been dead if he tried to swallow that boner. Even the pros can barely do it, what chance does he have? If he asked for white sauce on the side, I woulda walked out. Peter North has blinded women before, one even drowned. I'm not down with that. So, I had a few bites of the chicken, a real snooze fest when it comes to a BBQ chicken. Bland and chewy, no hint of smoke... And this is coming from a fatso who loves cheekan! The pickles had a weird taste to them, formaldehyde perhaps? The fries were decent.

Brisket Plate. I hate BBQ places that does not do any meat combo... Who doesn't love a sampler? Especially, Denny's sampler plate at 3AM. This place does one meat only and you have to order extra meat a la carte by the weight if you want a taste. It is just a fucking sham to make more money off you suckaz. What's even more of a fuck me in the ass deal here is that they charge $2 extra if you want brisket. That motherfucking brisket better be laced in gold and shaved poontang. So, this is what came out... Let's get to the sides first. I got the mac and Brunswick stew... The mac was pretty decent, not bad at all. But the B-stew was pretty watery, too sweet and oily. Is it really that hard to make a decent stew? You're a friggin BBQ joint, c'mon. I can make a kickass pot of that shit but sometimes I'm lazy and just rather pay someone else to deliver the goods. Heirloom has a real kick ass one. And you're prolly wondering what about the brisket... The next slide, pweez.

Look at this specimen. I think I dated this hag back in the late 80's, looks like it's still around except with flatter buns... I paid $2 extra for these dry meat flaps? It was like going down on Phyllis Diller. No bark, a thin smoke ring, no moisture whatsoever except for the little blob of fat dangling on the bottom like a hemorrhoid. Anyone got a rubber band? I could barely cut these pieces apart, let alone get them down. I should have the chiseled jaw of the original RoboCop with the amount of time it took me to masticate this protein. I barely made it through 2 flaps before I called it quits.

Pulled Pork. The brisket was an epic fail, my hopes for the pulled pork on first impression died like the cow whence the brisket came from. Dry and chewy seems to be the ongoing theme here. Where is the bucket of drippings? I just wanted to toss everything in it to get some moisture back into the meats. I don't know what the date stamp on this pile of kindling was but it must be vintage. No amount of table sauce coulda reanimated this basket case. Speaking of the two sauces.. the regular BBQ was HFCS heaven, the vinegary one was just Summers Eve with lady bits in there... Both pretty forgettable.

Besides the wings and mac, the main attractions were all pretty much let downs on this visit. I don't know what's going on here because my previous encounters with them at Auburn market were pretty decent. Maybe they resorted to short cuts to compensate for the higher volume. Maybe this visit was a fluke but I don't believe it. If all you do is BBQ, everything should be consistently good or consistently bad. There's no in between... Unless someone was on dope that day or banging the help in the back. I know they can do better, I've tasted it before... Maybe I'll go back when they're back on their old game.


656 N. Highland Ave.
Atlanta, GA 30306
678-515-3550
http://sweetauburnbbq.com/

Dim Sum Dive - Update

Ok, so, I had to go back this past weekend and see what buzz the pouch had generated with his dumpy post... And it was more packed than a Pride parade float. Speaking of which I started packing the pouch with as much har gaos as I could... Take a gander at the shit we ordered. It still blows my mind...

Don't cry for me Shanghai soup dumplings... Look at this shit. I had to do it. 8 friggin baskets of the best har gaos in town. Pouch had a very happy ending... Along with a lot of Charmin.

More and more tasty vittles... Too much to list.

Beef chowfun... Y'all knew it was coming. This shit was up to the pouch's standards this go around. Not greasy and spot on flavors. Beef was tender and aplenty.

Wu Gok. They said they ran out already. WTF, skank whore!!! But working through my 3rd basket of har gao, I noticed a little troll come out from the back of the kitchen with a tray full of brown little fluffy things... Hello?! I knew it was my little fried friend. I got my shrimp filled mouth ass up to the counter and mumbled something what sounded like some rare dialect from the northern redneck province of China just barely touching Mongolia and ordered my prized dish of this delicate morsel... And it was amazeballs. Perfectly flaky and steamy hot taro inside with flavorful ground pork innards.

This visit while retardedly more crowded than usual was spot on on every dish ordered and there were a lot more not shown here. This place handled the massive volume like a boss... The Big Boss.

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Full service dim sum joints is a constant struggle with me... The consistency is always hit or miss with the more popular joints. Canton House is always inconsistent but crowded, kinda like McDonalds. Royal China is Chino redneck tapas. East Pearl has been a disappointment over and over in the last couple of years. Happy Valley is decent but who knew the Roman Empire was so into dim sum. Hong Kong Harbor is the best for what it is if you're too hungover to drive OTP (outside the Piedmont Park). Whities praise Golden House for their sub par Vietnamese dim sum which I still struggle to understand. Oriental Pearl is the most consistent and my go to spot but always packed. But little do most "foodies" in the know knows about this amazing dim sum dump hidden away in a tiny corner of the Asian underworld known as the Great Wall Supermarket.

I hate doing this because it will open the flood gates, but for my one reader, it's worth it... The food court kiosk known simply as Cantonese Cuisine (aka CC133, kinda like TK421) is a hidden secret for ultra fresh quality dim sum. Yes, on the outside it looks like your standard Chino BBQ (which is great but pricey btw) and standard menu list of classic hits like chowfun, congee, salt & pepper this and that, noodle soups and rice plates. All of those dishes are good, too, but the dimz... Oh my, the dimz...

CC133 why aren't you at your post? ...Take my order, dim sum biatch!

Ok, you can pick from a picture list of classic dim sum dishes or just ask them what they got. We just got a small sampler of classics before heading into the market. Har gao, siu mai, ngau pak yip, cheung fun and some meat stuffed bean curd skin thinger (fu pei guen).

Har Gao - Best har gao in the ATL. Period. Why? Because they are ginormous and filled with 2-3 shrimp and shrimp paste inside. Steamed to order so the skin is spot on with the perfect "toothiness". The skin doesn't stick to the side of the bamboo like most places because those are steamed over and over again from making the rounds in the carts. The filling also doesn't fall out because it is made to order and everything holds together like it should. This is the real deal. Amazing work from a food court dive.

Siu Mai -  These were no slouch, either. Freshly steamed and tasted like eating fluffy clouds. These are larger than most of the other dim sum houses. Good flavor and very tasty.

Ngau Pak Yip - Super clean, large flappy pieces of tripe, great texture and balanced flavor, only thing missing/needed was a lil heat with some jalapeno mixed in there. But one of the best I've had here. Yes, it is that good.

Char Siu Cheung Fun - This is my test for a talented dim sum cook because I lurv these little fuckers. And this place kills it. It is obviously evident that every thing they put out from the dim sum menu is made to order with quality ingredients. This dish is relatively easy to make but you'll find that it's either under or over-steamed, the latter being the curse at most of the other dim sum restos. No one likes soggy, gummy and pasty rice noodles that are stuck together. These on the other hand came part perfectly without tearing or ripping open and spilling all the innards. They also cut perfectly down the middle with chopsticks and both halves stayed together firmly. This was made perfectly.

They were out of one of my favorites (the wu kok, fried taro) but next time it's on if I can get there early enough. But the few classic samples had were all spot on. This little corner of a massive hectic market was just a piece of dim sum heaven... Not that shitty dump in the same mall with Bo Bo Garden.

Go git ya sum..

Sobban, why am I Soffat?

Came back to see what's new on the menu... It's impossible not to order a bunch of dishes, especially, the kickass KFC wangz... Let's see what this fat fuck will be stuffing down his pouch this evening...

God, why am I so fat... Damn you father! I'll start off with a Westbrook White Thai, pweez... 
And...

Meatballs. Balls + White Sauce + Mouth = Great practice for broads. Just remember to swallow. I did.

Mandu. Chicks really dig these meaty fleshy rolls... It's the perfect girth. I like them, too.

Kimchi Pancakes. My kinda finga food. Here, smell my finger.

Ramps and Cheekan. Cody's fresh picked ramps and cheekan bits with some kimchi roll. This shit was gone in 5 seconds.

Japche. Pull my potato noodle. Classic dish. Squirt.

Donkatsu. Fried pork, it's fucking oink heaven.

KFC. Still the best goddamn wings in this one horse town.

This joint is good, always something new on the menu... That's why people keep coming back.

Golden Corral

Like a slimy politician fishing for votes... You have to put yourself in your constituents' shoes or stomach and mingle with the plebeians sometimes. I'm not running for office or anything, I'm usually running away from them most of time. But I do indulge in some low rent grubby sometimes just to keep me grounded. Fuck, who am I kidding, I'll eat anything, anywhere, anytime. The pouch don't discriminate. I ate a Hot Pocket the other day at 7-Eleven, I even used that dirty microwave and I liked it... Well, only with my eyes closed and dreaming about Gal Gadot and how skinny she is. I'm friends with her on Facebook, just sayin'.
Ok, I don't really eat at obesity chain dumps, maybe once every couple of decades... It's usually filled to the brim with slobs with the palate of cardboard. I don't know how these people do it on a weekly basis. These places are here for one thing and one thing only... To support the toilet paper industry. Flush. The fucking Coneheads would love this place... Mass consumption. This location is pretty much brand spanking new with a fancy LED sign out front with pretty moving pictures to lure in the sheeple. I resisted for a few months but I finally broke down and went in to see what the fuss was all about since this is like the only one ITP... Curiosity will most likely kill the pouch. Pray for me, Fraudie Buddha.

The entry gates to gluttonous hell... Sheeple marching in line. This place is a trip... Or one must be tripping to come here. It really is a corral, fattening up the cows for slaughter. There were so many fatties in here I couldn't tell which were the fat rolls and the yeast rolls. The tongs are there for a reason, poke at it first and if it jiggles and giggles, put it down fast and walk the other way. Never provoke an obeast while it's feeding. Most of the food is super fattening and buttery, sadly, the calorie count can only be found on the website. But who's really counting up in this piece... Except for the pieces of chicken eaten.

It's an AYCE fwied cheekan freak's wet dream... I did tinkle a little in my underpants when I saw the massive pile of chicken right out front. It's not the best fried chicken but wasn't bad for what it was. The skin was crispy but not very flavorful, the smaller pieces seem to be over-fried since they throw everything in the same fry basket. They also had fried chicken livers, like with the fried chicken half were a bit dry and other half pretty decent. Just douse it in hot sauce and you're good to go. If one were to come here, go on the steak nights (which is on the weekends I assume because of the crowds). The meat quality is just ok but what makes me laugh is watching the people ordering their meat temp... 99% orders them well done! WTF. I asked for a mid-rare and i got medium+, chewy. Then I got smart and asked for rare next time and got mid rare minus, hey, I'll take it. One time this bro next to me had no clue what asking for a temp was and he ordered what I ordered (mid rare) and when he saw the grill cook cut it open to show me the temp, the bro freaked out and said that's disgusting, who would eat meat red in the middle. This guy must ask for well temp at a sushi joint. I like NE clam chowda, but this wasn't that good and salty as shit but somehow I went back for another cup. I ate it, musta been the crack in there. There's a bunch of other stuff like pizza, pastas and salads, blah blah blah, you know your usual cafeteria slop but I stuck with the cheekan and steak mostly and some veggies/rice. They also had a chocolate/caramel fountain with strawberries on a stick... Just imagine how filthy that station was. So, I went for some orange sorbert and it was half icy and half syrup, and all nasty. Then I spotted the soft serve machine...

Push clinch plop... It's like taking my dog for a walk. My muscle memory was triggered when I saw this and my hand was reaching for a poop bag in my back pocket instantly. Always pick up after your dog... And yourself after a visit here. If you can reach around that is.

It wasn't a horrible experience, I'm glad I did it. It just makes me more appreciative of the great food I eat elsewhere... Fuck that, what am I saying? There's a ton of shitty food out there at fancy places. I'm just glad I can warn my one reader of the places to avoid. I'm sure he appreciates it very much.

Poor Calvin's Ramen Special

Fusion. Yeah, that word. I have had problems with it in the past. This place is all about fusion. The menu is a mix of all your classic gimmicky fusion hits like pineapple fwied wice served inside a real pineapple. But we're not here to discuss the regular menu, I'm here to examine their special specimen on Thursday nights only, the Ramen special.

Chef Special Ramen - Miso duck broth, fried lobster tail, Peking duck (what?), egg, egg noodle. I take my ramen serious, especially, anyone who does a one night special because it's suppose to be special. This dish sounds great on paper but let me start by saying this bowl was $22. Yes, twenty-(I-want-my-fucking)-two dollars! Asked the server what exactly is inside this $22 chef's special ramen, answer- I don't know, whatever he wants to put in there. Boy, that was the answer I was looking for, I can die now. He could put an egg and a piece of salad shrimp in there and call it a day. I don't want a fucking ramen omakase. But he did assure me that it does include the fried lobster tail only after pulling 3 teeth out of him. OK, how was it? First taste is always the broth...Slurp slurp- heavy on the miso but you can taste the duck broth. After awhile that miso builds up in your mouth and gets saltier and saltier and you get thirstier and thirstier.. What am I eating, a fucking pretzel? The other thing to do right away is to take that fried lobster tail out of the broth because that once crispy batter turned soggier than an unchanged diaper for 3 days. The funny thing about this fried lobster tail is that it was still attached to the shell at the very end, that's fusion art for ya because that tail was fused onto that shell like it was attached with a MIG welder. Make it as difficult to eat, pweez. The tail wasn't bad, shit, is any fried lobster bad? The soy soaked eggs were nice, still a little runny, I prefer more runny but it was fine. The noodles were not ramen, not even close, its Chinese egg noodles. You know, that dried stuff we buy at the market that comes like 8 little danish shapes per bag. That shit is cheap and it's great for a snack with some oyster sauce and gai lan, but at $2-fucking-2, I want primo noods. The "Peking" duck pieces in there got lost within that miso abyss, it was there and I knew what I was chewing but totally flavorless. It was a nice effort and I understand what they're trying to accomplish here but the execution and combination of ingredients fell flat. This is why fusion is such a shady subject, sometimes it's not meant to be. And for $22 a bowl, I want that shit to be perfect and I want to drink all of the broth which I couldn't. Boy, these pretzels are making me thirty.   

Basil Rolls - fresh vegetables wrapped in soft-skin rice paper, curry mustard sauce. Ok, I couldn't resist and ordered a couple other small dishes to kill time while my special ramen was being expertly prepared. Dude, WTF is that jizz on top? Why, it's the curry mustard sauce. Garbage. Why can't you leave well enough alone? Or at least put the sauce in a small dipping dish. This roll was so loosely put together to give it that illusion of volume and girth... Kinda like my blow up sheep doll. Wait, did I say that out loud? Jury, please disregard the witness's last remarks. This thing was so bad, had zero flavor even with that mustard curry sauce. If you don't shove that entire thing in your mouth in one shot, it's coming... Apart. That's what she said. Awful.

Kale Peking Duck Salad - mango, apple, thai citrus dressing. Hey, kale is the new it thing... At Panda Express. The kale is fried here.. fried so much that it's retaining about a quart of oil. Put that shit in your mouth and it's like swimming out to the Valdez with your mouth open. There is so little leafy greens than even a vegan would protest. The dressing was so overloaded it made every thing wet and oily. It was almost inedible. It's like a dressed salad that was left out for hours under the sun. They did put a decent amount of Peking duck in there... Even though the Peking duck was kinda suspect. But I'll be nice and let them have that one. Yeah, sure it's Peking duck, pal.

 Now, I know why this place is named Poor Calvin's... Bless his heart.

I ended up at Popeyes after for a snack... I was friggin starvin' and it was so good. As usual.

Not all was lost.

Burp.

Shoya

Man who sits in front of oversized elephantitis bronze cojones will receive a mouthful... Believe me, those chin nuts are good luck because this joint rocks out with their kokku out. Just watch out for the baseball size rollers on that rat dog with the perfect areolaless erect nipples and hope it doesn't release any natto into your grub. Shoya has always been in the top 5 of my list, so, it's time to make another trip for some rad snackeries.

It's like looking into a mirror. Pouch approves. Man, those are some giant balls.. Bicycle shorts man would be jealous.

Ankimo. Foie gras of the sea... Monky liver.

 Clams. Some new dish on the ginormous menu, turned out just meh.

Soft Shell Crab. It's like a baby Kaiju... Deep fried for human consumption.

Grilled Oysters. I had no problem gnawing on these bad boys while staring at Tanuki's sack.These are awesome, a must have.

Sashimi Deluxe. Still one of the best seafood baskets this side of Captain D's.

Fried Amaebi Heads. One of my all time favorite snacks, right after fried chicken lips. Brains, eyeballs, legs, toes, beaks, ears, uterus... If it's fwied, I'll eat it all. 

 Purple Potato Fries. One of the newer dishes on the menu. Super crunchy and pretty tasty.

Agedashi Tofu. Crispy outside, warm soft tofu inside sitting in a dashi foot pool. I like this crap, even if it's vegan smegma.


And this is why I am so pleasantly... Plump, plump, squirt.