Flappy Meat Muffins

We all have read about and been out to all the "best" burger spots in town and I have eaten and written about most them. And no, the fucking H&F burger is not on this list since your mom just covered it in her college newspaper. It's time to shine some light on the burgers in town that gets no love... There's probably a reason why they don't get any love but the pouch doesn't discriminate when it comes to a proper meat injection between a pair of fluffy buns. Lord knows I could use a proper beef injection between my buns... I have been on a health kick recently and craving me some juicy burgers. Who am I kidding, if y'all ever see me eating anything healthy kick me in the nads... Not once but twice. And then treat me to Popeyes... For the pouch.

Milano Bakery & Cafe.

Bibimbap. This place is not really a bakery, it's more of a bodega with it's limited bakery selections and menu of odd items. Their two Korean burgers are their signature items with not a single Asian in sight. I saw an Indian 'manager' running in bags of ingredients from Kroger and the servers are Latino. OMG!, It's like a Korean joint making tacos with nary a Mexi in sight, a total role reversal. All the ingredients were freshly prepared. The bun was nice and soft and worked well with keeping the whole thing together. I wished they would have toasted it a bit first because it got soggier with every passing minute. You basically have to eat the whole thing once you pick it up. The flavor was decent but pretty much a mash up, guess that's as much as you can do to a bibimbap in burger form. It's cute to eat it... Once.

Bulgogi. It's a pretty simple burger with less flavor. The patty was undercooked but not a big deal, tasted like cheekan sashimi. Okay, I'm stretching that a bit like my pannus right now. It's like a backyard burger with bulgogi sauce on top. Once again, it's cute but not craveworthy.

Melton's App & Tap.

Better Burger. First thing, this townie hall place has been around for ages. I walked in and the music stopped and every beady eye under a trucker hat was laser guided towards me. I was found to be of no threat and the music and dip chewing continued on. The waffle fries here are pretty good and no, I'm not gonna compare it to Chick-fil-A's fries because I rarely eat at that gay dump and the last time their waffle taters tasted like it came out of a zipper. The good thing about the burger here is that you can ask for a temp. Medium rare, pweez. Let's see how that goes...

Dull silverware makes for a nasty hatchet wound... But I am obsessed with the pink in my meat flaps and had to take a peek. It was a bit under mid-rare but that's ok, I'm no stranger to young inexperienced cooks like girls from Malaysia.. Along with their pink socks. The meat was very under-seasoned but it did have a nice thin layer of crisp on the patty from the flat top. The bun was decent quality but no way could it stand up the steam, juice and heat from the meat when it was not buttered and toasted properly. Come to think of it, it wasn't toasted at all. Hey, it's a townie joint, one expects the burgers to be easily gummed before swallowing. Squirt.

Corner Pub Decatur.

Build a Burger. It's just too much work sometimes with all the options.. Just give me a burger, mid-rare with the standard trim and a side of fried okra. Nothing spectacular, just a decent meat mound that needed a bit more seasoning. The okra was pretty tasty since it wasn't the brown bag to fryer kind. That needed seasoning too right after the fryer.

Salmon Burger. Looks like a breaded and fried log from the litter box... But it tasted better than it looked. A couple of bites and I had my fill. Licking up all that smegma dripping down my arm was not as sexy as how my dog licks himself. That's prolly because I can't stretch my leg straight out anymore.

Steak 'n Shake.

Double Cheese Burger. Have not been in here for over 13 years. There's a reason why... Not because of the food, it's the people eating this food. It's like watching Sloth from the Goonies making out with Chunk.. With full tongue, fat rolls and all. That sight could make a billy goat puke. My first thought when the burga came out was - did they fuck up my double with a single? No way ese, this was a double patty with the thickness of two beer coasters. It's low rent college food, it was cheap, greasy, tasty and filling. The herb parm fries were trying to be some fine dining play but ended up as a study in moppishness... It's like serving a can of Chef Boyardee with white truffle oil and freshly grated grana padano.

North River Tavern.

Big E's Ranch Burger. I know what y'all saying... Where the fuck is this place? The answer is I don't know either. I got stuck in this section of town like it was the Children of the Corn. I made a bunch of turns and ended up here... I might as well fill the pouch if I'm gonna get slaughtered by inbred children creastures. Bacon, onion rings on a burger sounds like a good last meal. This burger was quite decent, well seasoned, juicy and held together well even with all that shit packed in there. Wait, I'm not gonna go there with who's packing shit in this part of town. Bottomline: I must say this was a decent burger in the middle of bumblefucksville... I would recommend you say it was good, too, if you want to live.

Cafe 640.

Cafe Burger. Pretty much a standard pub burg but this supposedly had some herb-roasted shiitake in it. I think the dishwasher foraged the shrooms while it was sitting there under the heat lamp for 5 minutes because everything looked limp... Look at those sad sack of spuds lying there like a drugged up Burmese sex slave. It was an acceptable burger but no way a contender for top 5 anywhere.

General Muir.

Double Burger Stack. Ok, I wasn't gonna put a fancy, gourmet, well cock sucked burger on this list but I couldn't resist. To me this is a messy franken burger with unshaped patties to give it that hipster foodie attitude... It's almost like if Ms. Ann Snatch Bar decided to do a pop-up here using their prime ingredients instead of a 2 foot meat log found in a sink at her dump. This burger is juicy (aka greasy) as hell and if you decide to pick it up, you better stay the course and complete the job. Have someone next to you feed you some of the kickass fries in mid man meat chew.

The Big King.

Ok, I was gonna do a side by side comparison with the Big Mac... But I haven't had a Big Mac for at least 17 years. I just couldn't do that to the pouch in one sitting. I would be Trainspotting my entire joint let alone the toilet. The protein in this thing was standard BK meat drapes you find everyday. No flame kissed, no flavor. The white sauce was funky and I had to think about a happy place to keep it down. The bun was ok but the middle bun is super thick where as Mick Deez nut's middle bun is thin and porous and smooshes easily. There's no way to eat this creasture without squashing it down. Some chicks I know can dislocate their jaws like a snake and can swallow the diameter of a man python with ease. Unfortunately, I do not possess those skills in my sack.

Bingo! A BOGO. The curse continues... I forgot I had another one in the bag from a buy one get one deal. I couldn't let this go to waste and there was no way I was going to nuke this later on for a midnight snack. The only humane thing to do was to eat while it's still mold free... Who the fuck am I kidding, these things don't go bad. Ever. The second wasn't any better. Fuck my life. Just call me Renton. Flush.

Sobban.

Fried Kimchi Bologna Sandwich. I know, it's not a burger but it does contain meat flaps... Does that count? I don't care, it's got meat in the middle and bread on either side. Usually only available at lunch but they were nice enough to make one since I was soiling my underpants to try one... Yes, the groveling worked. It was tasty, but it's more of gimmick than something I would want to order again and again. But I kept eating it because of the quality ingredients on this plate and it reminded me of an ex-gf.

Wrecking Bar.

Wreck Burger. A very decent burger, so decent that I would order it again. Spot on medium-rare temp and the flavors worked well together. The fries were kinda limp and a tad over salted but totally passable. Their Russian Imperial Stout is no joke, friggin dericious... As with their other specialty brews, especially the stouts. The menu is pretty decent unlike the Porter which I was at earlier and nothing on the menu there looked good. But their beer selection is what you go to the Porter for, then come here to eat. Do it, do it.

Don't ask why any other burger joints didn't make the list... Ok, because my fat fingers hurt typing on this keyboard when I could be fingering some stinky pinky.

Burp.