Oh, nooo, you didn't... Oh, yes, I did. Hell to da motherfuckin' yeah, boooyee. Just admit it, you want me to eat this slop... Just to hear me bitch about it and tear them and myself a new asshole. OK, fuckers, I do this shit once a year for my one fan... And I did this all in one shitting, err, I mean sitting. If you want to continue reading, make sure you have a barf bag or dumpster at the ready...
The Wendy's pretzel burger. You won't find this stud of a burger at Mendy's, even though Bania may tell Jerry that it's the best, the best, Jerry. I rather have the salmon there, myself. But let's get back to this beefy creasture that has been all the rave with Wendy's shareholders and board members. So, what does the eating public think about this newfangled abhorrence? Who the fuck knows but the pouch will tell ya that it wasn't a total failure.
Unsheathing the beast. The pretzel bun is such a friggin gimmick if there ever was one. But I do applaud them for having the balls to actually come up with a decent bun that closely resembles a pretzel. It's kinda hard, a bit chewy and the only thing missing was pretzel salt on top of it. In other words, it was kinda of bland. But fear not, there's a shitload of sauce, grease and jizz within it to give it that proper viscosity to lube your throat to slide that girthy meat down ever so effortlessly. It's like swallowing a rainbow smeared by an unicorn's magical glands...followed by milk chocolatey gold coins you get for Hanukkah. Wait, that was just a dream I had last night... Nevermind.
Under da hood. The ingredients are not bad, I mean, look at it... It's got red onions, a slice of tomato, green lettuce, bacon, cheese and some mystery sauce. Wendy's claim it is a sweet & smoky honey mustard sauce. To me it was more of a cross between a donkey and a honey badger sauce. There was just too much of it. Just scrape it off with a napkin or with your friend's shirt. The 1/4 lb. single patty (you can get a double but that's just overkill) was well formed at the factory, kinda juicy and held together well under all that mess stress. The bottom bun was more chewy than the top but I guess that's what happens when it's been sitting in some heat compartment all day. Was it terrible? No. But I would never get it again. It's a gimmick and gimmicks only have me at hello... Once. But don't fret, the pretzel burger alone did not complete me... Without the chili cheese fries.
Chili cheese fwies. Two words come to mind: Holy Shitballs. I don't even know if this is edible. It looks like Publix plastic bags melting on a Duraflame log. I had a couple bites of it and that completed me... For the next century. Just say no to this... And say yes to drugs. Believe me, you'll need them afterward. Preferably, a couple of 8 balls.
Next up... The dreaded Toxic Hell Doritos Locos Tacos. Available in 3 artificial flavors... Now, with molecules!
Holy shit, Jesus, why the fuck am I doing this, again? There is just something unholy with the colors of these hatchet wounds. Sometimes you just gotta grab the pitbull by the balls and dive in and munch on that muff and pray to Tanuki's giant sack for a safe journey home... YOLO.
It's like the 3 little piglets... Fiery, Cool Ranch and Nacho Cheese. If you eat all three, you can huff and puff and blow any building down with one pinch of your arse.
Look, there is nothing good to say about these abominations. The meat puree is worse than low rent gerbil food. If the powdery taco shells came in sealed envelopes, they would be sent directly to the CDC for anthrax testing. I don't even know if the cheese is real, let alone the discolored lettuce which I don't think they came from any type of fertilized ground. Probably growing on the backs of mutant chickens being processed in China. I'm baffled by their salsas packets, pretty much flavorless with a hint of rusty toilet water. Seriously, how the fuck did they managed to sell like 5 billion of them to the masses? Ah, I think I just answered my own question. But I must admit, these fuckers know what they're doing... When you're portrayed as a fancy restaurant in Demolition Man, that's when you have pulled the wool over everybody's eyes... Or they could be blind. Bravo.
My advice to y'all. Do not try this at home... Because you definitely do not want to clean up the aftermath. Y'all think Fukushima was bad? One word: Trainspotting. Go to a neighbor's house.
I had some Arby's chicken tenders and curly fries, too... But they were edible. No need to report.
I have to go now... No, really, right now... Flush.
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