I know this joint has been around for millenniums but shit dude, you don't have to keep everything you find on the side of the road. That poster of the new Bartle & Jaymes Fuzzy Navel Wine Cooler is not helping the cause, I kid I kid. They need to do an episode of Intervention up in this piece, STAT. This is Goodfellas meets Three's Company. Seriously, I thought I saw Janet's hairdo and Jack's camel toe pants by the corner table... Ralph Furley was explaining what the word coitus meant to Chrissy in the bathroom.
I'll admit it, I was somewhat entertained with the gross amount of junk in there and the blasting of bad 60's, 70's and 80's music... That is until the smoke machine started squirting away at my scungilli with white smegma. The service is overwhelming, what happened to one server per table? The staff in old school waitron gear (vest, apron and all the doodads) were like vultures circle jerking around looking for a piece of ass. Worse than a used car salesman. Pushing and pushing to order drinks and apps over and over again. When asked about the summer prix fixe menu that's posted on their website, a look of a man staring into the abyss appeared... And all of the sudden the server was "No speaka English". The owner on the other hand was a very sweet and gentle giant of a man... Ok, he looked like a cross between Captain of Captain & Tenille and Gallagher. But lovely nonetheless, acting the bit role of a fresh off da boat gracious Eyetalian. It was so over the top that it even makes Olive Garden look respectable. But how is the food on the "Grand Menu"? Average price for a dish was $25, yes, I'm talking boxed pasta at this price point. Trapped. I hope this shit is good. Since, I wasn't super hungry I wanted to order a couple of the classics...
Bread service was fine, warm crusty bread and soft on the inside came with garlic herb butter, blue cheese, olives and a pseudo pesto of parsley and oil. And then comes the entrees not long after. I did walk by the kitchen to take a peek and one look was all I needed. Let's just say HB 87 would have a field day in here. Not only was the front of the house in total disarray, the kitchen was in a state of anarchy. Oh hell, I got on this amusement ride already might as well finish it.
(Calamari & Scungilli aka Snatch in a Bowl)Calamari & Scungilli Fra Diavolo ala Patsy - I don't know if this was a spin-off of the famous Pasty's Lobster Fra Diavolo in NYC but look at this specimen will ya? ...Basically, crap in bowl with canned peppers for the heat. Previously frozen squid rings (no tentacles/legs) and canned bits of snail doused in what basically is a plain old can of tomatoes smooshed with their feet for seasoning. The lovely owner kept asking me if I like-a spicy like a broken record and never gave me a chance to answer, so I acted like a FOB and nodded my head while doing the V sign. It was edible but not by much, it tasted very ordinary in a school cafeteria kinda way with a bam of chopped parsley and sage on the lip of the plate a la Emeril. And they forgot my side of pasta that comes with it... A blessing in disguise. But he did bring me more of those "spicy" canned peppers at the end of my meal. Woohoo! Squirt.
(Veal Parm, seriously, what is that???)Filet of Veal Parmigiana (with four imported cheeses) - Keyword: Cheese. Holy Limberger, Batman! These 4 little thin mystery patties were smothered with so much mozzarella, you couldn't tell if they were imported from Afghanistan or Fromunda. These Magic Sliders were doused in the same exact can of pod-seasoned tomato sauce. I swear I thought I was having a fucking recurring nightmare. Freddy Kruger, just fucking kill me already. And what's with the dill garnish? Totally fucking vexed.
Not to be out done by the aggressive pricing on the pedestrian Grand Menu, the wine selection was obscenely over-priced for low rent wines... I mean these wines are so cheap even a hobo wouldn't drink it, let alone cook with it (wait, it's too expensive for them to waste cooking with it). The Ruffino Chianti Superiore is a joke of a wine but the last laugh was had by them at $9.50 a glass when it retails for $9.99 a bottle, vendor prices is prolly around $6 a bottle. Shameless and proud of it. Holy fuck, baffles the mind. When in doubt, stick with beer.
The most amusing part of this fine dining experience was getting the check and a take out box for a few scraps of leftovers (why take leftovers from here is beyond me but my dining accomplice wanted it, which they forgot). First, the check- 20 minutes wait time. Reason- they supposedly hand write the check and do the math via an Abacus. I kept waving the 80 servers scurrying around down and their reply every time was "It's a coming". Ok, it might be kitschy to do it the old fashioned way but enough is enough, c'mon, Giuseppe. I think the lack of service surfaced at the end because we didn't order enough, a classic old school industry practice that punishes the customer by ignoring and dragging it on because of a lower tip amount from a smaller check. The check finally arrives and there is a major case of fuzzy math... 3 times the cost. It was corrected with tip added into it. I paid cash and needed about $17 change back, server looks at me and asks me if I needed change as if the pre-applied 18% tip wasn't enough for him, he wanted 100%. He threw down my change and walked off. Thank Gawd, I didn't want a good night kiss from you anyways, dickcheese.
After reading some of the 5 star reviews off Opentable, I am mystified by how many people have bad taste in this town. At this rate, Atlanta will become a culinary destination in just a tad over 25 yrs. This was one of the most unusual and maniacal experience I have ever had. I rather get a Pap Smear than to go through this enigma again. One thing's for sure, I'll never forget this circus sideshow. Ever.
Cuckoo cuckoo.
0 Star.
467 N. highland ave
Atlanta, GA 30307
(404) 222-0650
http://www.localino.info
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