J Bistro

I was really in the mood for some morsels of bat, civet, cobra or pangolin in hot oil... Nothing is more satisfying than an adorable Chinese anteater in a spicy broth. Where to go, where to go in these trying times where resto closures are the norm, hmmm... Luckily, I went to H Mart before the shit got serious to pick up a few things and noticed that the new J Bistro was opened for lunch. They were in their soft opening period (what a crazy time to open a new resto) and not many people were in there... Perfect for social distancing... Which I have been practicing for the last 50 years, now, it's the Pouch's time to shine... Eating alone like usual, kinda like my only fan reading this stupid blog.
The space is modern with an open kitchen that has a glass window so you don't get splattered with hot boiling oil that your skin starts peeling off like that guy who took a toxic waste bath in Robocop or get your eyebrows singed off like Whoopi Goldberg from the jet engine wok burner. The lunch menu consists a mix of half Sichuan and half slutty Chino dishes. They have a real dinner menu but it is all in Chinese... So, why do they even have Americanized Chino dishes then if they are trying to cater to the ex-pats? Maybe it was an honest mistake or maybe it was calculated on their part during this pandemic to limit the number of gwailos from coming in during their soft opening. Which they quietly admitted to the Pouch for now... I like their style. But I really don't care because I wanted lunch, now... Let's take a first look and see if the vittles are worthy for a revisit after all the covidiots still gathering in mass at Piedmont Park and the Beltline have died off... Then maybe the wait at Shoya might actually be bearable after all this shit is over with. See, there's always a silver lining in every pandemic.
Let's go eat some exotic creastures (courtesy of Joe Exotic) from J Bistro's wet market...

Nevermind the misspelling... But goddamn Pavcake for $9.50? It better have a 5 dollar bill in the middle. Fuck that noise... Next.

Who doesn't love a fried leg over rice? But today, I was craving a fried arm... Too bad they just ran out of baby arms because the supply chain is quite challenging these days for infant parts, but infant spines are readily available for designer handbags, though. I guess I'll have to order something else over rice... Looks like they have their own version of the Taiwanese Lu Rou Fan. Hmm... Sold!

Braised Minced Pork Over Rice, $7. This is a Szechuan joint but somehow this looked pretty legit. It was a hefty bowl of savory minced pork which was basically the classic Taiwainese lu rou fan. This bowl will definitely fill a normal sized person up but the Pouch is not human... Marsupials can usually eat 3 or 4 times the amount of a puny human in once sitting.

Szechuan Hot Boiled Fish, $10. This is a great deal for lunch. There was a ton of white fish in there. The bright red color can scare a roundeye into thinking that it will be spicy as fuck but it turned out pretty muted. I'm not saying it wasn't spicy but it was definitely not slant spicy level. It was tasty nonetheless and I almost ate all of it... Slow down, you fat fuck... You still got more dishes coming...

Beef Noodle Soup, $10. A classic Chino noodle soup that is always a must try at a new Chino joint. Most people will associate the beef noodle soup as the national dish of Taiwan but it's origins are from Lanzhou... Which begs the question- Does it stand up to LanZhou Ramen's beef noodle soup? Yes and no. The generous portion of beef chunks were savory and tender. The beef broth was good but it could use a bit more of richness, aka flavor and complexity... But it's way better than the brown dishwater LanZhou calls beef broth, nowadays. But here's the real difference between the two- LanZhou Ramen's knife sliced noodles are far more superior than these spaghetti western noodles here. Not that it was bad but nothing can compare to LanZhou's "hond" pulled noodles... But here's the sad part, LanZhou is still pretty good but I stopped going there because of the roundeye appropriation that happened before the pandemic. Maybe I will make another visit after the quarantine. This beef noodle soup is totally serviceable if y'all need a quick fix... It will do.

Braised Pork Buns, $6. Fuck me... I was so fucking good till the end. I avoided ordering the most appropriated Asian street snack since I sat down... Every motherfucking resto in Atlanta has some form of steamed pork buns on their menu and it's insulting as fuck because pizza joints shouldn't be doing Oriental grub... But the fat fuck in me couldn't resist since I was in a real Chino joint. I was curious as hell if it will be good or bad... I had to do it for my one reader. And it was the worst decision made during this first visit. It's like seeing a blonde broad down the street walking towards you...It looks good from afar, but far from good. When I saw the server bringing these out from 20 feet away, they looked like Charlize Theron walking the runway for Dior but when it got on the table it looked like Aileen from Monster... Woof. At first glance, they looked ok... But upon closer inspection, the buns were cold, soggy and gummy. The braised pork belly chunks looked generous but it was 90% fat. Even after cutting off half the fat it still looked like a stick of Wrigley's gum between a silicone cameltoe insert. Everything about this was cold, mushy and gummy... Total crap. What a shame. I will never fucking order pork buns ever again.

The food was pretty good overall if you stick with the real Chino dishes but I may order one of the slutty Chino gringo dishes if I was piss drunk just for shits and giggles. The prices are on point for the lunch menu and the service was decent. If dine in service ever resumes, I will be back to try the dinner menu, maybe it will even have some Engrish translation by then... Because I want some king crap, cream of sum yung gai and yung poon tang.

1 Pump.

6035 Peachtree Rd, A112
Atlanta, GA 30360