McRib Tradition Continues

It's that time of the year, again, for this fat fuck to continue the tradition that has been passed down from generation to generation of marsupial pouches... The elusive McRib... Which is not that unattainable anymore. I know what y'all are saying... Pouch, aren't you too fucking old to be eating this slop at your arthritic age with diminishing health and uncontrollable bouts of gout? Duh, that's a no brainer... That's why I only do da MaCrib once a year. I watch what I eat all the time, that's why I take pictures of everything that goes into my pouch... But the food at Mickey Dee's ain't very photogenic, it's like taking a pic of every turd I pinch into the toilet. No one wants to see that shit, literally... Maybe except for this disgusting slob. Anyone remember the Burger King Halloween Black Whopper? I really wanted to take a pic of the aftermath for posterity because the myth, lore, fable, saga of the green poo was no fairytale but totally true, instead... And future generations of marsupials need to know the legend and prowess of the Pouch.
Sadly, the MaCrib are not bred for it's skill in magic to turn biofuels rainbow colors, only a McLiger does and unfortunately, they aren't available in the U.S. So, let's not drag this annual shit-stained tradition out any longer than necessary.. So, we can forget about it as soon as possible until the next year. My bowel senses are tingling already... Especially, when danger is near on the IBS radar. 

2 for $5. They only come in a pair, now... Their new motto should be Making 'Murica Fat Again. But yet, strangely, I have no problem with this. I'm a sucka for anything that is BOGO because I have FOMO. They are getting more professional these days with these fancy printed boxes... I still remember when they were serving the elusive MaCrib in apple pie sleeves and breakfast foam containers during the prohibition era and available only at secret speakeasies... Now, they're served all over in McSpeakcheesies.

Holy shit (no pun intended)... The buns are not all crushed or have finger imprints, they look like window displays... Except for the brown shit stains on the side of the box. Is it me or does that look kinda appealing and appetizing... Only if you were on Day 18 on Naked and Afraid. Let's take a peek under da hood...

Oh, my... Real onions, Eddie? Nuthin' but da best, Claude! It's true, that's real raw onions and pickles in there... Perhaps the only two real things in this package. Let's take a closer look and examine the "rib"...

How much for one rib? Am I dreaming or is that a beautifully seared piece of exquisite foie gras? No, you fat chode, that is a puree of pork slime poured into a mold that resembles a rack a of ribs that may or may not reek havoc on the bowels within minutes of consumption... Mmmm, I'll have two, pweez. Seriously, the McRib is basically a rectangular sausage patty with a shitload of cloying sweet BBQ sauce for moisture, raw onions for the crunch and texture, pickles for that not pickled taste and a mold proof hoagie bun to absorb all that brown jizz.

The Pouch survived another year of the dirty brown flat Tootsie roll, only 20 more years to go or until my 3rd heart attack comes knocking on my door like Three's Company. After years of tracking down and eating the MaCrib annually, it ain't as exciting as it was back in 1984... The nostalgia and novelty factor may have finally taken it's toll on the Pouch, since, the MaCrib is basically available seasonally at every single McDonald's location nowadays... But that won't stop the Marsupial family tradition... Ever.

Squirt.

Splash.

Flush.

LanZhou Ramen Check Up

It's over, Johnny... It's over. Nothing is over!
Ok, John Jay may be over exaggerating a bit, but when it comes to LanZhou these days...  It's ruined, Pouch... It's fucking ruined! One of the Pouch's favorite Chino hand pulled noodle joints has been totally fucking gringo-fied. On a recent visit, the house was packed with about 90% gwailos and the ex-pats were walking out at the sight of a millennial flash mob... It was like a mini-Krog Street Market up in this piece. This place has become Lee's Bakery... No member of the tribe goes to Lee's anymore because the whities have assimilated the once great pho and banh mi shop to a watered down Pho King. If you do spot a slant inside they are most likely a jook-sing... A fugazi Asian. And it's a damn shame...
LanZhou didn't start out wanting to be a Gu's Dumplings or Gu's Kitchen but somehow the social media has deemed them a safe space now for the delicate western palates. LanZhou opened up this joint for the ex-pats while Gu's deliberately created a safe space and menu for the crackers. They peddle so much bullshit Chino cuisine to the masses and the sheep ate that shit up, rank and file. This is why we can't have nice things.
The line was out the door with bro-dudes and dudettes on a recent Friday night... I thought I walked into Food Terminal by mistake... Roundeyes fucking love that dump and they really think it's authentic... Bless their hearts. I was about to walk out, but that woulda mean I would be giving up incredible beat off material for my next check up review and I can't let my one reader down. I spied around the room and all I saw was forks and plates and plates of fried rice and lo mein like noods. I was getting nauseous by the sight of this orgy of interlopers ruining my favorite hond-pulled nood shop but fuck me, I can't leave now... I have to see for myself if the food has really been dumbed-down for the gwailos...

Sliced Beef and Oxtail Tripe in Chili Sauce. No one was ordering this dericious dish inside a packed house... The cold display case was full of these pre-made dishes. I always order this spicy little dish but I had to pick out the one with the most chili oil. The sliced beef and tripe (also had sliced tendon which I ain't complaining about) was tender as anticipated but the chili oil was a bit off, it wasn't as spicy as it used to be. Mixed it all up and let it sit for a bit but it didn't do much to improve the flavor of it. You will have to ask for extra chili oil... But this offal dish is still a dish best served cold like revenge.

Shranghai Pan Fried Pork Buns. At least one thing hasn't change, the spelling on the menu... But this once great dish has. Look at this disturbing specimen... Some motherfucker in the back did an American Pie job on these poor bastards. Talk about lost in translation... Hey, asshole, it's pork buns, not pork them buns. I am still pissed that they would send these out looking like garbage but the crispy edges had an audible snap and crunch and the buns were steamy and juicy inside. Y'all are lucky that they still tasted good or else they would be nothing more than warm apple pie for Jim's solo date in the kitchen.

Beef Tendon Hand-Pulled Noodle Soup, knife sliced. It's still a hefty bowl of noods but the first thing I noticed was the broth... It looked weak, light and cloudy... Like they rushed it through. C'mon, mofos, don't fucking die on me, now! I'm wondering if they had no choice but to water the broth down just to satisfy the volume demand these days... Not that the roundeyes would even notice the difference. Took a sip... And just as I suspected. It's not terrible but it still ruined the entire bowl... Just like a really shitty tonkotsu broth ruins a ramen bowl even with quality filler in it. The knife sliced noodles did not have the signature wavy curls on the edges of the noodles, they were flat and straight edged like it was rolled out and cut with a pizza cutter. The noodles were still toothy and texturous, the tendon was tender, full of collagen and the portion generous. But the light bland broth failed to bring all the elements of a proper noodle bowl together, the soup is the soul of the bowl after all. I'm not looking forward for another bowl anytime soon with this dismal display.

Beef Stir-Fried Hond-Pulled Noodle, knife sliced. Would you look at that... Fucking broccoli. WTF is broccoli doing in my hand pulled noods? Did I order the L8 broccoli beef lunch special from Grand China... If so, where the fuck is my eggroll, fried wing and hot and sour soup? The knife sliced noodles were just like the noodle soup. Besides, the broccoli substitution, this stir fried noodle dish had the look and signature of previous orders in the past but the taste was unremarkable and quite forgettable after you pack up most of the leftovers. Out of sight, out of mind and soon to be out of pouch with a little 2 finga diet later. I don't know, maybe it was the feng shui on this visit, it felt unbalanced and sloppy... Or maybe it was just the appropriation vibe.

In the words of the late great, Yogi Berra, "Nobody goes there anymore, it's too crowded.". I don't know if I will be back anytime soon and I hate the thought of that... The food was not as good as it was before the foreign invasion but still has remnants of the original menu. It's not as precise and consistent as it once was, the execution is sloppy, not because they don't give a shit anymore but more likely from the increased demand and higher volume which increases the margin of errors. I'm happy that they have become successful and ultra popular with the masses which will keep them in business and stuffing their mattress with loads and loads of cash... Yes, they prefer cash vs. plastic *wink*wink. Which will be fueling their next noodle concept called Crossing Bridge Rice Noodle in Duluth with plans for another one in Kennesaw and maybe another LanZhou in the Atlanta area... There goes the neighborhood and the once beloved hand pulled and knife sliced noodles. They are well on their way to be the next Gu's with watered down flavors... Maybe they can open a location in the new politically incorrect Ph'east at the Battery with all the other posers. Even with all these glaring signs of them becoming just another slutty Chino joint, I am still not writing them off just yet... But it is ruined, for now.

5231 Buford Hwy NE
Doraville, GA 30340

Tanaka Express

Emory Point is a tough place for businesses... It has one of the biggest turnover rate even with General Muir as the anchor in this complex. So many businesses have come in big and gone out all shriveled up quietly into the night. I don't even know how many concepts have been in this exact space but the last one was Chow Mei Mei... Might as well have called it Chow Nay Nay because it was full of slutty gwai-lo-rized Chino garbage. It was worse than Panda Express... Guess they couldn't even trick poor college students into eating that slop.
Now, a fast casual izakaya/ramen joint has taken over the space... I'm already skeptical. As far as I know, this joint is not related to the Tanaka Ramen in Town Brookhaven. I did ask the chubby guy working the counter if they were related and he was a total mushmouth, that's because he had two onigiri rice balls in his whale mouth. He didn't know what the fuck I was talking about, didn't understand a goddamn word coming outta my mouth. And speaking of which, they spoke Mandarin... Tanaka my ass, it was more like Tan-Ming Expwess. Oriental cuisine are all the same anyways. So, how many more ramen joints does this one horse town need? Most of them claim to have the best tonkotsu ramen in town and most of them suck a giant al dente ramen noodle and they have the hairy balls to charge top dollar for it, too. Jesus, who's gonna take a Japanese joint in the heart of Emory seriously? Well, this fat fuck would... I need to make a WWPD bumper sticker. What Would Pouch Devour? Almost anything, almost... Wait, who are we kidding? That corpulent slob will eat anything and everything. With that said, let's take a first look...

This badass motherfucker greets you at the door. I want to wear this while riding my motorcycle... I need to work on a plan to swipe this swag, ninja style.

Pork Bun, $3.80. I know, I know... The steamed pork bun is so played out these days but I'm such a fat fuck that I don't care. I was curious about how bad this could be so I ordered it... And this came out... Not an iceberg lettuce in sight. They used some leafy greens which was a good sign. The bun itself was pretty moist and soft overall, not all dried out like most places. The thick slice of tender pork belly was an unexpected surprise and it wasn't all fat, either. It had pretty decent flavor and the texture had a nice chew to it. How the fuck did this happened here? It was totally acceptable... And I can't pan it just yet on this visit.

Fried Oyster, $6.80. For the price, I had imagined how low rent this could have been until the bamboo plate of crusty balls came out... These were plump little mother of pearls. The panko crust was thin and crispy and the oyster inside was meaty and briny... How can this be? Ok, it wasn't all rainbows and midgets, though... The Tanaka spicy mayo was generic as fuck and did not pair well with the stout oysters. You can sub it out for the tonkatsu sauce which would have been a lot better.

Karaage Chicken, $6.80. It was supposed to be served with mixed baby greens but who gives a shit about ruffage when there's a plate of juicy fried cheekan thighs to stuff your fat facehole with. There's that shitty spicy mayo again but the cornstarch/sweet potato starch coated fried thighs were good enough to eat as is... And they were good, real good, I couldn't believe the luck I'm having here... So far.

Tanaka Classic Tonkotsu, pork broth, pork chasu, kikurage, spicy bean sprouts, green onion, seasoned egg, garlic oil, fried onion, served with thick noodle, $12.50. After the tonkotsu ramen disaster at Hotto Hotto, I had lost hope in any new ramen joint that serves tonkotsu (Ton Ton still has the best tonkotsu intown)... But I had to do it for my one reader. This hefty bowl doesn't look half way bad... Hmmm. Let's take a closer look...

The first test... To slurp the broth for the sticky factor of the collagen. It had a creamy texture and good flavor... WTF. This ain't right, not for a place of this level, there's no fucking way they have been simmering pork bones all night long... I had to get a few more slurps in to look for the stickiness before moving on to the solids. After a few spoonfuls, I only detected a low level of lip smacking goodness. In reality, I didn't expect my lips to be glued together from a broth at a fast casual joint like this but for what it's worth, the tonkotsu was light years ahead of the pricey tonkotsu at Hotto Hotto... Even if they used some factory made broth base. The chasu was generous, the whole soy egg was spot on with a soft yolk, and the straight ramen was medium thickness with a nice tooth to it. For $12 and change, this was a totally acceptable tonkotsu if you needed a quick fix... Yes, I can't believe I'm saying this out loud.

I went in expecting nothing much more than Ru San's in disguise but came out pleasantly surprised... But make no mistake, this ain't no top tier Japanese cuisine. It is fast casual gaijin Japanese grub catering to the Emory plebes. If they continue to improve on the menu and the execution, they may stick around longer than their predecessors... But I ain't holding my breath, either... Mostly because my fat body places a lot of stress on my crushed lungs. But I'm not opposed to going back for a quick fix when the need arises in the future... And also if I can arise from the couch. It's no wonder why I'm so obeast.

1540 Avenue Place
B260
Atlanta, GA 30329
http://www.tanakaemory.com

SideChick

Popeyes ignited a firestorm of disorder with their ultra hyped fried chicken sandwich which created a frenzy across the nation in which the fwied cheekan lovers have never seen the likes of this in the modern free world. The crazed chickenheads were all clamoring for a piece of the hefty chicken sandos by the millions... Unfortunately, Popeyes exhausted their initial 3 month supply within 2 weeks and all hell broke loose. People were going out of their fucking minds for a cheekan sando... There were fights, brawls, melees, and fracases throughout the country because of a fucking chicken sandwich... Shit, I woulda prolly done the same. But the Pouch was lucky enough and smart enough to get it early before the nitwits caught wind of it and started killing one another for a taste... But in the end, it was good but not craveworthy enough for the Pouch like their regular spicy fried chicken. And to imagine all those retards were fighting each other over a simple chicken sando that was more hype than taste... The interweb force can have a strong influence on the weak-minded with questionable palates.
Soooo... What are the numbnuts going to do to replace the Popeyes chicken sando that they never had a chance to sample? Well, either you BYOB (bring yo own bun) to Popeyes and put some tenders in it or you get your ass to a hidden little cheekan joint in Decatur. Yes, it's in Dickhater. This little chicken joint is located behind a bank in a side parking lot that gets zero visibility and traffic... Maybe that's why the location has been a cemetery for a handful of failed businesses in the past. But if there's chicken to be had, the Pouch will find it... Hopefully, before they go out of business...

Let's go see what all the fuss is about...

Fried Okra, $3. Special of the day. These lengthwise slices of fried okra were pretty tasty... I was popping them in one after another... Well, that's because they were the only things on the table. Once, the chicken came out, I ceased and desisted from eating anymore... Not because they were bad (on the contrary) but because I wanted to keep my pouch as empty as possible.

SideChick, $8. A buttermilk marinated and fried all-natural chicken breast, topped with shredded lettuce, tomato, onion, dill pickles, and white BBQ sauce on H&F bun. Yeah yeah, we all know everyone uses H&F buns in this one horse town. But I gotta admit, this was a hefty portion for $8. The fried chicken cutlet was generous in size and had a golden crust which looked gorgeous... The white sauce was just too much and a bit runny. The homemade chips were appreciated but they were a tad bit greasy and stale from sitting around since the morning when they fried them off for the day's service. The crust was crispy and not too thick, the chicken was seasoned well but a bit dry... So, the white BBQ liquid actually helped moisturize it and get it down easier... That's what she said. It's not a bad chicken sando but not good enough for a weekly visit, maybe a monthly one. But the value to quality is most acceptable.

Hot Chick, $9. Grilled or fried chicken breast smothered in buffalo sauce and blue cheese dressing on H&F bun. Why even bother with the grilled... It's fry or die, mothercluckers! Even though, they upcharged a buck for a squirt of store bought hot sauce, it's still a good value for the quality. The hot sauce was basically Frank's buffalo sauce which is a good factory hot sauce but anyone could do that at home. I was expecting something more fiery and sweat inducing from a mom & mom shop but all I got was a soggy bun dripping with orange smegma. Once you pick it up, you better go all the way because if you dare put it down, you may not be able to pick it back up again... Better ask them for a knife and fork just in case. Let's construct it shall we...

The sliced tomato and onion was so thick it made it difficult to pick it up and bring it to my snout.

This was the best I could do to hold it together and the pressure of it turned it into an orange waterfall... Even with the cesspool of orange bile rippling in the plastic basket, this was a purdy looking cheekan sando. Good hot cheekan sandos are not supposed to be photogenic and sanitary, they are supposed to be messy and dericious. This hot chick sando, even with the weak buffalo sauce, was better than I expected. The thin crust stood up to the hot sauce and retained it's crunch on every bite. The chicken itself was moist and seasoned well enough to taste through the sauce. I started dipping the chicken into the pool of sauce for a little extra lube and I even went all the way without putting it down once.

I like this little chicken shack and I'm all for supporting small local businesses, so, I will be back when the craving hits again. It's a very acceptable substitute for those jonsing for another Popeyes chicken sando or those who never had a chance to have one. But I may sneak in my own hot sauce next time... Hopefully, they will still be around.

Squirt.

125 Clairemont Ave
Decatur, GA 30030
http://sidechickdecatur.com/