Wood's Chapel BBQ

Y'all knew this visit by the portly tubber was coming...
BBQ in this one horse town has become pretty legit and respected by the rest of the country... Not fully but respected nonetheless. I could name all the acceptable BBQ joints in this one horse town but I'm not going to. My stubby sausage fingers cannot type that much without developing blisters. So, the General Muir gang decided to open a BBQ joint... Hmmm. I do like General Muir and their food hall concepts but not enough to be regulars on my rotation. But when it comes to BBQ, I am always willing to try it at least one time.
Everyone has been sucking them off just by association... And I fucking hate that. Especially, the media and all the online "food critics" professing their love while saying it's still a work in progress at the same time. So, which is it... Good or bad? They are so enamored with them just because of their other restaurants that they could never write anything critical about something they have never done before... And a BBQ resto isn't something that you decide to open overnight just because you thought it was something fun to do. People spend years, even decades, mastering true BBQ. Some of these retards haven't even eaten the food or maybe just a couple of bites and they proclaim it the best BBQ in this one horse town. C'mon, give me a fucking break. The Pouch will never dumb down a review just because I'm friends with a resto... Luckily, only my one reader will know the truth if this BBQ stands up to the rest in this city... And within a very competitive crowd at that.
First off, it is millennial breeder heaven in here... And there is no fucking way most of these people in here lived around here. Summerhill is still a major work in progress, this little stretch of road near the deserted ballpark has a handful of businesses up and running which is fine during the day but when the sun goes down it is dead as fuck because it ain't exactly a safe space for the breeders. Just like Ponce City Market, Krog Street Market and Inman Quarter is also dead as roadkill during the week but it's tourist central on the weekends.
The one thing my one fan knows is that the Pouch will always deliver the good, bad and fugly on all things that's fit to eat. Let's go see if the adoring reviews live up to the hype as they claim...

Meat Sampler, sliced brisket, ribs, creamed corn, pork belly fried rice, pickled onions and pickles with standard BBQ, AP, Hog Mop and hot sauces, $17.50. Sounds like a hefty portion but the words on the paper menu weighed more than the meats on the tray. I wasn't wowed nor disappointed when this platter was placed in front of my snout. It was just like, eh, two meats and two sides. First of all, the sauces were nothing to write home about. They were all boring and none of them paired well with either of the meats. Even the hot sauce was weak as ass, it almost looked like the nuclear cloying orange sweet and sour sauce you get at slutty Chino joints. Let's take a closer look at each of the specimen on this tray...

Smoked pork belly fried rice looked decent enough until the first bite... It was boring and tasted like nothing, no smoke whatsoever. Hell, put a few squirts of liquid smoke to trick me at least. It was so under-seasoned it coulda passed for baby food. Pork belly my ass, it was minced up pieces of meat that coulda been any of the scraps and trimmings. Who's gonna know the difference... This was such a let down, a real snoozer.

Creamed corn with chili mayo, cotija and lime... It's basically an elote in a soup form. Mixed it all up and took a bite... Shit, mofos, this was pretty tasty. It had flavor and seasonings, could use some more cotija but it was totally acceptable. I almost put in some hot sauce from muscle memory but then I remembered how lame the hot sauce was. It's not a hard side dish to make at home but they did a respectable job here.

Beef brisket... Woof. I asked for sliced and this is what I got... I guess they never heard of the old saying, "Ask and you shall receive" because all I got was this small pile of end pieces and trimmings hiding underneath. After further investigation, it turned out to be a glob of fat cap hidden under that first layer of brisket... Which didn't have much of a smoke ring. The bark was pretty nice, not too thick and not too thin but it wasn't smokey at all... Which was quite baffling. The brisket was passable, a bit dry, but really nothing memorable enough to be crave-worthy status. I even had to use some of the sauces to get this down. If I never ate this again, I wouldn't be missing out on anything. Let's just say I won't have a case of FOMO but IBS, that's another matter. Perhaps it would have been a different story if I received some proper slices of brisket, instead. This was a really unexciting showing. What a shame.

St. Louis style pork ribs. The ribs also had a really nice bark, a lovely dark caramelized shiny coating... And they were smokey, too, unlike the brisket. The ribs were tender and moist and seasoned unlike the brisket. It's a decent rib but like the brisket, it ain't nothing worth driving down here for... You could get similar quality ribs at Publix.

Cue-bano, smoked pork shoulder, our ham, pickles, swiss, cracklins', mustard sauce, $13. I saw pictures of this presentation and I had to witness it for myself in real life. This plating is baffling, it's not like I don't know what's inside that wrapper. It's kinda weird that they sliced it down the middle length wise instead of the standard on the bias. Looks like you can use it to measure things with or beat back the hobos outside asking for your leftovers... Does the rule of thumb apply to hobos? Only if they are women. Let's take a closer look at this unconventional exhibit... This presentation is really annoying the fuck outta me... I gotta rearrange it for my sanity. Serenity now!

It was like unwrapping a Christmas gift you already knew what it was... I re-plated it in a few different positions but seriously, how many ways can you plate two thick rulers... This presentation looked a hundred times better than theirs. The bread was good but a bit too much color which almost tasted charred. Shit, this cuebano had more smoke than the brisket. The pressed bread was crunchy on the outside, pliable on the inside and held all the innards together well. Nothing fell out with each downward pressure bite. It's a decent version of a Cubano but at a pricey $13, once is all that my mama allows to me spend... Mama, it's ok because I won't be getting another one, again. The best Cuban in the city is still $5 and only my one reader will know the name of that joint.

I like the idea of this BBQ joint in this area, but the reality of it still has a long way to go. The breeders like this place because they can pretend to be hip still while their kids can scream all they want in here, make a mess and no one complains about it. I'm sure they will do well here based on their pedigree but will the hype last once the shiny newness of it has worn off.

It's not the best BBQ in this one horse town, far from it, but there are some decent bites to be had here. I ain't coming back here anytime soon but I'm really curious to try Junior's Pizza... Dammit, you mean I gotta come back here, again...

85 Georgia Ave SE
Atlanta, GA 30312
http://www.woodschapelbbq.com/

Las Brasas Long Awaited Revisit

Alright, y'all got me... No one has been waiting for my revisit here. I don't know if anyone even reads this stupid ass blog. I just assume there is at least one deviant fatso like me that would relish in these unorthodox food reviews. Just believing that there was another culinary maverick out there that thinks and eats like this corpulent slob keeps me producing these eloquent reviews. Who the fuck am I kidding? That one reader I speak of is me... I read my own shit because I'm obese and lonely. This is the stupidest blog ever allowed on the ultra web... Al Gore is rolling over in his king sized bed with two hookers as we speak. I'm sure one day he will ban me, but until then, I'm going to be that counterculture voice that must be heard... But it's mostly in my own head. Let's get to it shall we?
When Las Brasas was in that tiny shithole space which is now Doggy Dogg, their Peruvian chicken was fucking amazing... I still think about the first time I ate at that shithole back in the days. There's always something sexy about Latin grub produced from a holding cell made of cinderblock with window bars. That was some dericious juicy ass rotisserie cheekan. They got so popular that they needed more space to produce more volume. Unfortunately, the Peruvian rotisserie chicken became so mass produced and sat in warm boxes for hours on end and when it was served it lacked all the characteristics of a juicy flavorful chicken with that amazing golden shellacked skin that made it a Peruvian chicken. It was depressing as fuck and I filed this fowl in the back of the pouch and never made a revisit again... Until now.
The long awaited revisit of the once great champ, now, a study in moppishness. No longer the victory hungry Peruvian cheekan we've ate so many times before, but a pathetic, dried up, aged ex-champion. I'm still waiting for my two dollars from that visit. So, a buddy says he wants to try that chicken place... My pouch perked up and started growling. I was like, Popeyes?! He's like no, you fat ass... I want to try that Peruvian chicken joint. I'm like, fuck that noise, dude... That place sucked the last time I went. But he was adamant about it and since, I love proving motherfuckers wrong... I was like, fuck it, let's do this and see how they're sucking these days. I was kinda surprised they were still in business...

 

Lamb Empanada, spiced lamb with mint & chimichurri, $8. I was kinda surprised it was 3 emps instead of the usual two... But what surprised me was how golden brown they were. These aren't bad looking emps. But the garden salad didn't exactly go with it. The dough was crusty and flaky and the lamb mixture inside was pretty damn tasty... I couldn't believe it, did they learn how to cook after all these years? The chimichurri was garbage but the emps didn't need it. I would get these, again.. Did I say that out loud?

Pollo Frito (half), Peruvian spiced fried chicken, lime wedges, $12. I didn't want to risk the regular rotisserie chicken, again... But when there's fried chicken on the menu it will always trump any other chicken all the time. I must admit, this looked incredible. The crust was near perfect with a thin crispy skin. The golden brown color was gorgeous. Seriously, how can this be? This must be a dream... I better pinch my sack to see if this is real. Yes, it was real (in a high pitch)... Let's take a closer look...

I'm still in awe of this fine specimen in front of me... But looks are one thing, taste is another. Time to give this honeypot a lick. Split the thigh from the leg and took a bite... Damn, mofos! This shit was guud! The thin crust had a nice crunch, the flesh was moist and juicy and seasoned nicely... This was light years ahead of the rotisserie chicken I last remembered. It pains me to say this, but this was one of the best fwied cheekan that I have had recently and most surprisingly of all, at a place that left me disappointed many many moons ago. They have redeemed themselves in the chicken department once again. I may even come back to try the rotisserie... But this fried chicken is hard to pass up if I step foot in here, again.

Lomo Saltado, beef filet mignon, roma tomato, red onion, house fries, pisco, balsamic, soy & aji panca, $18. A classic Peruvian dish... It could use a bit more garnish of freshly chopped cilantro on top for color, but this was pretty close to it. I asked them to not over cook the filet, even a bit rare if they could so it's not chewy... And it came out pretty good. The red onions and tomatoes were toothy but the fries were a bit soggy, not that it made the dish any less appealing. It's a good dish and a good portion, easily shareable.

Chaufa Pollo, rotisserie chicken fried rice, egg & spices, $12. Asian cuisine has been very influential in Peruvian street food... And for the better. I have made this dish in a number of different varieties using different proteins... Chicken is classic but any leftovers will do like pork, steak, seafood, hot dogs or SPAM which is a personal favorite.

It's a generous portion but rice ain't expensive and fried rice should never be pricey in any language. Uh oh, I don't see much chicken in there... Stir it up, Pouch, you big dummy. And it revealed a plethora of chunks of rotisserie chicken. Jesus, I hope that shit is not dry as particle board. Took a bite and it was totally acceptable... This was a pretty tasty arroz chaufa, it might need a little bit more seasoning but the Pouch was putting this away bite after bite.

This was unreal, everything I have sample on this visit was more than acceptable. What kinda sorcery is this? How did these motherfuckers get their mojo back after such a disastrous display in the beginning? Well, I really don't care because that pollo frito had me at cockadoodledoo, ese... I would definitely go back for it again, but it still ain't no Popeyes!

Pump and a Burp.

614 Church St.
Decatur, GA 30030
https://www.lasbrasasdecatur.com/

Bell Street Burritos

All the old school dotards will remember Tortillas on Ponce many many moons ago... It was the original no frills hipster California aka Mission-style burrito joint... And it was a local favorite until they closed in 2003 after like 20 something years of feeding the punks of Ponce along with a baby Pouch.  Then the millennials came and the proliferation of corporate burrito chains just squeezed them out and it's a fucking travesty, man! This is why we can't have nice things... Everyone bemoans about the extinction of the mom and pop shops but they do nothing to support them, they're all talk on social media and no action... Ok, going once or twice while professing your love doesn't help keep them in business. The Tortillas space then became home to a J. Christopher's (whatever the fuck that is) for a few years until they relocated... Now, it's some fraudie gym for the Ms. Piggies to do kickboxing, the sport of the future... Or until they get bored and find a new trendy fad to get likes on FB and IG.
So, fast forward to 2010... And Bell Street Burritos (aka West End Burritos) was born. Like a burrito phoenix rising from the ashes of Tortillas. A lot of people missed Tortillas over the years since their demise and BSB was now here to fill that void. The Pouch was excited by the news as well and had to try it... And it wasn't good, AT ALL. It was totally bland and soggy as a freshly laid diaper. It was nowhere even close to the original Tortillas... Who the fuck are these people sucking their dicks? How can anyone even with the palate of a billy goat can say this was just like Tortillas... It's fucking baffling. Some people are so desperate to replace a long lost memory that they will accept anything that barely resembles it. Oh yeah? Well, not this fat fuck. I have avoided this place like the plague until now... It's been a good 9 years or so since my last visit, they must have gotten better at their cooking skills... Because girls only like guys with skills... And lardasses like the Pouch only like restos with cooking skills.
They closed their original location in the Sweet Auburn Curb Market to open their newest location in Tucker inside an old Mexican't dump. They did a good job on the renovation and built a large front deck which was a good move... But it overlooks the dumpy Lawrenceville Hwy. The parking is not very user friendly and the lot doesn't hold a lot of cars. It's ok if it was on the Belt Line but this was on L'ville Hwy and people ain't gonna be riding bikes or those POS scooters to this joint.
Once inside, it's all counter service... You place your order, take a number and find a table. There is no salsa bar but there are a few squeeze bottles of salsa... That is if you can find one because inconsiderate people take the entire bottle to their table and hog it all like it was theirs. The problem is they don't have any plastic sauce cups to share the salsa at the service counter... But after tasting the salsas, it's not even worth searching them out on people's tables. But enough of the trivial things, let's get to the good stuff... I am very curious if they have figured out how to make a flavorful non-soggy burrito after all these years.

There are 3 burrito sizes- kids, regular and X-large. I went with the regular since the XL is just a total waste of money if it sucked ass... Come to think of it, I shoulda gotten the kids size, instead. The regular burrito was hefty in weight but short and stout in stature... Hey, some chicks dig girthy burros. The more I look at it the more it looks like a soda can wrapped in foil. Hmmm... Let's open this fucker up shall we? Cut me, Mick!

Pork Burrito, pinto beans, melted jack cheese, rice and salsa fresca, $7.25. You can add onions, jalapeno (pickled or fresh) and cilantro for free... Wow, how generous (rolls eyeballs). It didn't look too bad at first glance, until I took a bite (it was barely warmed through). Jesus fuck, it's the same old bland ass wet diaper again... I can feel the IBS-D already. I even put both the red and green salsa on there for flavor and nada... Nothing, both salsas were totally unseasoned, ketchup has more kick. Hell, every single ingredient in there was unseasoned... Even the pork which naturally has a good flavor was devoid of all porky fatness. I thought they fucked up and gave me shredded chicken instead. The tortilla was soaked through within seconds and turned into a gummy mess. The only thing holding the entire thing together was the foil and of course, the more you peel down the foil, the more soggy it got towards the bottom. This is the worse burrito I have ever had, no contest... Who are these people that think this burrito is just like Tortillas? It's baffling and a total mindfuck. I looked around to see if people were really enjoying it and they seemed to be... But y'all didn't see the slobs eating here. These are probably the same people who think Gu's Dumplings is authentic Chinese.

Green Tacos with onion, cilantro and green salsa- ground beef with flour tortilla, chicken with corn tortilla and side of chipotle salsa. Anything else has got to be better than that sad sack of shit I just shoveled into my facehole... I'm still waiting for the surprise donkey punch. These two tacos don't look half bad... Famous last words. Is that shredded chicken or pork? I can't tell, they both look the same... I have a feeling the chicken will taste just like the pork, bland. The double ply corn tortillas were acceptable, just not grilled, I don't think it was even heated through. At least they got the classic toppings right. We all know the salsas are totally useless but how about the chipotle salsa... Compared to the community salsas the chipotle salsa actually had flavor. They did it! They made something with flavor... But let's not get ahead of ourselves here. The chipotle salsa is like a standard red salsa available at any taqueria. The chicken taco even with the chipotle salsa was average at best. The chicken is pretty tasteless as well. It's amazing how the onion had more kick than the chicken.
The ground beef taco which is usually the most pedestrian of all tacos kinda like a Taco Bell regular taco... Surprisingly, had the most flavor of everything sampled here. It had the ubiquitous orange grease from the spices dripping out of the mystery meat and the sturdy double ply flour tortillas held together perfectly till the last bite. It's amazing that the most boring taco was the best thing I tasted. I am truly in Bizarro World.

Now, I know I didn't miss anything after all these years since my first visit. The second visit was almost exactly the same as the first 9 years ago. There probably won't be a third visit even though they emailed me some discount coupon for my next visit... But if I get liquored up with enough brown juice, I may sneak in to try the much hyped pork and green chiles burrito just for shits and giggles... Which may turn out to be just for the shits. But I doubt that some green chiles will make much of a difference with their flavorless pork.

4053 Lawrenceville Hwy
Tucker, GA 30084
https://www.bellstreetburritos.com/

Popeyes New Chicken Sandwich

The Pouch is not even gonna mess around with some stupid background story on this one... My one reader already knows how much I fucking adore Popeyes and all things Popeyes. So, Popeyes released their so called "New Chicken Sandwich" to compete with the ultra popular original Chick-fil-A fried chicken sandwich... This is not Popeyes' first chicken sandwich, but this one seems to be thumbing their beaks at the Eat Mor Chikin behemoth. Other fast food dumps like KFC, Mickey D's and Wendy's have tried and failed to make a dent to steal market share away from the churchy poultry zealots.
I am not a big fan of Chick-fil-A, not because of their religious views (I can give two shits what they believe in and I'm dumb enough to think for myself), but because they're more hype, gimmick and style than substance. I see these pedestrian zombies lining up at the drive thru on my morning commute and these crackhead motherfuckers cut off other drivers just to get their morning fix. It's like these mooks can't get through the day without their precious chicken biscuit... But I admit their waffle fries and Polynesian sauce are pretty damn tasty, though.. And the staff is bizarrely nice all the time... Cuckoo cuckoo. They also got some smoking hot chicks working there, too... Almost made me want to fill out an application one time when I was still drunk from the night before.
Enough, of the talky talky... Let's get to the walky walky... I'm just going to do a play by play, frame by frame of their new cheekan sando...

So, this is what it's supposed to look like... Looks pretty fucking epic to me. Thank goodness I got two of them... And a little dessert, wink wink.

Picked up the classic with mayo spread and the spicy with Cajun spread, both $3.99 each. It's supposedly buttermilk-battered, hand-breaded white meat with pickles on a toasted brioche bun. I did see the worker split the buns and put it through the toaster. The bags were pretty hefty and large... At least doubled the size of a Chick-fil-A sando.

Shitty wrapping technique... I have seen others wrapped in the style of a ready to eat In-N-Out burger, so, half the sandwich is showing and you hold the wrapper to eat it. This just looked low rent. I have seen more sexy looking crumpled up toilet paper than these specimens.

Ta-Da! Voila! Here they are motherfuckers! In all it's glory... Then I hear the sound of air leaking out of a tire. The top buns were all mushed. Eh, who cares, it all goes to the same place anyways... The chicken itself is what counts.

Peeking under the hood (classic on left, spicy on right, duh!)... Looks like we have an amateur pump, pump, squirter at the sando station. Mise en place, motherclucker, mise en place! Put the hood down and let's take it for a ride, Pouch...

Let's take a look at a side shot... Those are some hunky pieces of white meat cheekan.

Well, Pouch... Give us the scoop already. Was it all that was promised and more? Did it make all of your wildest dreams come true? Did this cheekan sando beat the fuck outta Chick-fil-A? Yes and no. Yes, it was better than Chick-fil-A. No, it was not as crave-worthy as I hoped for. The crispy crunchy crust was amazing as expected but the chicken meat was just too thick and tough to be seasoned through thoroughly. Speaking of which, I forgot to ask for a few packets of Cajun Sparkle... Dammit, that shit is like crack, it's Cajun Crackle. It's a tasty fwied cheekan sando (needs more pickles) but it pales in comparison to their outstanding spicy fried chicken. Even the spicy Cajun version was not spicy enough for me, I had to pump a few squirts of hot sauce on each bite just to get a little blood flow going in my nether regions. IF they made it with a boneless thigh meat in the new sandwich that woulda been fucking incredible... But we all know the millennials and whities don't dig on dark meat.

Overall, it's a good showing but I ain't hankering for another one anytime soon... But I'm always in the mood for their spectacular spicy fwied cheekan.

Let's recap...

...With a glamour shot of the two beasts up front and dessert in the back. The box of dessert was amazing...

Thanks fat 'murica, you fucking did it to me, again!

Squirt.