They say third time's a charm... But who the fuck really knows with a cursed space that has spawned the likes of Smoke + Duck Sauce and Tabi Sushi with their short lived demise. Their failure could be attributed to the cursed location but it could also be that they both held Yelp events in hopes that it would boost PR and foot traffic... Do these owners just not get it? It's like going on Scoutmob, it's the kiss of death for any small business. But to Scoutmob's credit, both of those joints' grub were dismal already since their first day of service and they died off before they even had a chance to tap Scoutmob for one last lifeline. Luckily, to my knowledge, this new Chino joint has yet to be blackmailed by Yelpers for a free meal... The keyword is "yet to be". And that's evident on the Yelp reviews so far because they have to actually pay for it... Look at what those douches ordered, most of the dishes were from the very gwailo lunch menu and other PF Chang'd dishes on the menu. I'm sure they are all still waiting for the free Yelp event to try out all the authentic dishes... That's why this fat fuck needs to get in there before those elitists do, STAT.
So, the whole fanfare about this place is that the owner cooked with and worked at Peter Chang's... The infamous magician chef and his mysterious disappearing acts throughout the country. I do give P.C. credit that he opened up the roundeyes' palate to fiery mala Szechuan grub in this one horse town and now, the whities are flocking to any new Szechuan joint that opens up... But the only problem is that they don't actually order any Szechuan dishes, they all revert back to the same old slutty Chino dishes that they are accustomed to. It's time to make a visit and see what all the fuss is about.
Pulled up to the front and saw the signage... Wha da fuk, brah? Don't ever advertise that you have "Authentic" Chinese food... Just don't fucking do it. It's already suspect when the word "authentic" is printed on the menu but on the front sign? For fuck's sake... You are just asking to be ramrodded up the ass with a hot poker. If your food sucks ass, you will never live it down... Just sayin', dummy.
All I could think of walking in was please, let them be halfway decent, please or else face the wrath of the IBS-D gods. Sat down and looked over to the next table... These motherfuckers ordered fucking orange chicken and I knew it was going to be a long night in Panda Express hell. Opened up the menu... At first glance, I got excited and started to get a blood flow when I saw xiao long bao, Szechuan chili wonton, Dan Dan noods, spicy beef tendons, sliced pork knuckles... This might not be a total loss yet. But that was short lived when I got further down the menu and saw... General Tso's cheekan, orange cheekan, sesame cheekan, broccoli cheekan, Kung Pao cheekan, Mongolian beef, black pepper beef, lo mein... Goddammit, this is why we can't have nice things.
Half the menu is slutty Americanized Chino slop and the other half sounded somewhat interesting... The dish that I was hoping they had was the fish in hot chili oil because I craving that mala shit, but this is Decatur after all and I will never be that lucky... Just like trying to get a broad to go out with me without giving up my telescope money that I have saved up from mowing lawns all summer. I scanned the room and there were a handful of people from the tribe... And that gave me some solace to stay and be open-minded about the menu. Let's take a sneak peak shall we...
Dry Fried Eggplant, cilantro, scalliions, Szechuan spices & dried chili peppers, $9. I gotta admit that I was expecting something less than acceptable but this was... Yeah, it even surprised my fat ass. The eggplant had a nice crispy crust but it was a bit too thick, needed another 30 seconds in the fryer and tossed evenly with all the spices in the wok afterwards. All the flavors were sitting underneath the log sticks, they were barely coated. But that doesn't mean it tasted like pig vomit... All the ingredients were on the plate but they need to polish up on the execution and it wasn't that spicy. More Szechuan peppercorns and cowbell!
Chongqing Fried Chicken, lightly crisped chicken stir-fried, dried Szechuan chili peppers & Szechuan peppercorn, $10. Alright alright alright... This is what I'm talking about. I kept popping these bite sized dark meat nuggets into the pouch. They were pretty good but looks can be deceiving... The dried red chili peppers gave the illusion of spiciness but these cheekan nuggets barely makes you break a sweat, not even a drop. More Szechuan peppercorns and cowbell!
Grandma's Noodles, long wide noodles, fresh garlic, scallions, cilantro, vinegar & hot chili oil, $7. At first, I was inclined to get the Dan Dan like an obedient Pavlovian dog but anything with Grandma in it is usually pretty good... I was pleased to see the wide wavy noodles that reminded me of the knife sliced noods. It was a bit undercooked but not enough to send it back. Mixed up the bowl to coat all the noodles with the chili oil and vinegar but there was barely any chili oil and the vinegar only watered it down more. It was not spicy at all but the toothiness of the noodles were pretty good. It's an acceptable dish but ask for more chili oil, lots of it. Looking back, I shoulda been a good dog and stuck with my instincts with the Dan Dan... Which I need to try on the next visit.
Mapo Tofu, cubes of soft tofu in spicy Szechuan sauce, $11. Since, they fucked me in the ass with no fish in hot chili oil, I had to get the mapo instead... Ok, I'm lying because I would have ordered the mapo anyways if they had the fish dish on the menu. Yes, I'm a fat fuck, it's visually obvious, duh. The bright red color was vibrant and the soft tofu was silky smooth. I do appreciate that they do put a little bit of fermented black bean sauce in there for that extra little kick to the tastebuds. It's a very safe dish, not too spicy and not too boring... But it should be 10 times spicier with minced pork bits if it was to be "authentic". This version is perfect for the Szechuan neophytes that wants to be in club but doesn't want to go all the way yet with the more mala dishes.
Hot and Numbing Beef Jerky, cooked in hot and numbing sauce then lightly fried, $10. Once again, I should have listened to my handler like a good trained dog and got the spicy beef tendon or the sliced pork knuckle... But noooo, I had to be a douche nozzle and got this gag dog poop, instead. I literally had to ask them if that was French Fries in there. I thought maybe it was yellow wax beans but nope, it truly was french fries. What dope thought this was a good idea? Shit, you might as well include a corndog in there, what's the difference... The fries were a joke, as well as the advertised "hot and numbing"... The only thing that was hot and numbing was my ballsack... I was wearing these tight ass athletic boxer briefs and it was cutting off the blood flow to my extremities. I was hoping the beef jerky were thin slices rather than the thick chunks presented. It was too chewy, either from the jerky itself or being fried too long. The entire thing was bland, rubbery and just looked ugly... Just revamp the entire dish, yo.
Dry-Fried String Beans, string beans & mushrooms stir-fried & seasoned in Szechuan spices, $11. You can't visit an "authentic" Szechuan/Chino resto without ordering the string beans... It's a classic dish like the mapo tofu, you gotta order it together... Or with the fish in hot chili oil, if it was on the menu. The real dish comes with bits of minced pork that makes this veg dish more savory, but this version seems to use bits of mushrooms which will never be a substitute for porky pig... But it still worked, it was pretty tasty. You can't hate it when the bright green color of the beans with a slight crunch of the skin makes you eat more than one.
Even though, this new Chinese restaurant ain't "authentic", it is still light years ahead of the previous two "Asian" wannabe dumps. Yes, half the menu is full of roundeye dishes but the other half more than makes up for it... Especially, in this area where shitty gwailo slop reign supreme. It is not the best Szechuan grub around this one horse town... But I will definitely be back to try out the rest of the more "authentic" dishes... And I can't wait to see what the roundeyes will be ordering the next time I'm in there. I wonder how many tons of orange cheekan they have gone through so far... Hell, if I'm fucking drunk enough one night, I may order all the cracker dishes just for shits and giggles... With "shits" being the operative word. Make sure y'all have a steady supply of TP (like you do with the fucking tongs) when you see me stumbling through the door... Fat Albert ain't got shit on the Pouch.
2641 North Decatur Rd.
Decatur, GA 30033
https://www.haieat.com/
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