Genuine Pizza

Didn't all the malls in this country died a slow death like in the mid 90's? I don't know how Lenox Mall and Phipps Plaza are still in business. I haven't been back to either in so many years but I had to go to Lenox to try out Cousins Maine Lobster new brick and mortar store not too long ago and the food was more disappointing than Captain D's lobster roll... There is something seriously wrong if the Pouch is craving Captain Douche's sloppy surimi rolls than a supposedly real Maine lobster roll. I will never go back to Lenox ever again... But what about Phipps, Pouch? So, there is allegedly a decent Neapolitan 'ZA chain joint somewhere inside that dump. It's called Genuine Pizza. Yeah, right... I ain't falling for the banana in the tailpipe... No fucking way, bro... Say what? Happy hour pizza for $10 any pie... Hmmm. So, what? It's pedestrian pizza in a mall... How good can it be? I used the word "Neapolitan" instead of Napoletana because these Eyetalians are not from Naples, Italy, but Naples, Florida. Shit, the pizzaiolos... Err, I mean the pizza makers in front of the Marra Forni Rotator natural gas brick oven looked like they work here part time and aspiring music producers on their lunch break handing out demo tapes in the mall. The Marra Forni oven is a decent pizza oven for the high volume pedestrian palate... They do offer a wood burning one but since this is Phipps Plaza wood is out of the question for safety reasons... For the children. The oven is bright yellow and very eye catching but that giant hood above it is such an eye sore and just plain fugly. I have slayed fat broads prettier than this thing. If you look at it in the right angle, it kinda looks like Marvin the Martian... Isn't that lovely?
That is the question isn't it? Can a mall 'ZA joint be all that they claim to be... Time to make a visit. I swear, if it sucks ass, I will never go back to a mall ever again.

Margherita, mozzarella, tomato sauce, basil. The classic pie but not the size... They are a bit smaller at around 12" vs. the DOP 12-14" standard. It's not a bad looking pie but I'm not loving the basil leaves cut in half sprinkled sparsely around the 'ZA... Leave them whole, bitches. Please. Let's take a closer look at the crust...

Looks pretty good. The char blisters, the low rise thin crust- both totally acceptable. Took a slice and it folded nicely. The center of the pie is thin but yet a bit soggy, so the tip of the slice was pretty floppy and drippy. Not a deal breaker but it makes it a bit harder to eat. The sauce is bright and vibrant but unseasoned, it was kinda bland and muted. The spots of mozza dotted around the pie was fine, it was creamy and gooey. The crust is a bit tough to chew but it was acceptable. This Margherita is not going to win any awards but it didn't make me cry either.

Short Rib, gruyere cheese, caramelized onion, arugula. I know I know... Why am I making the same mistake I made at Firepit Pizza by ordering a non-red pie? Because I'm fat, drunk and stupid, that's why. Once again, this reminded of 70's porn when it came out to the table. Shit is getting hairy up in this piece. Jesus, that is a lot of arugula on there... And what is that smell... What are they trying to cover up? The server said this was her favorite pie and I bought it- hook, line and sucker. Look at that fucking giant crust, it's like buying a pair of flip flops two sizes too big. A giant flap that sticks out the back flinging sand and water right up your ass. I had to take most of the arugula off just to sneak a peak what pie it was. The more I looked at it, the more I wanted to fold this in half and make it into a calzone just to keep all the filler inside. The short rib pieces were tasty, as well as the other ingredients on this pie but overall, it was a very dry pie. I would skip this 'ZA and just stick with the red sauce pies.

Slow Roasted Pork, fig, roasted onion, fontina cheese, arugula. Fuck me, am I having deja vu? Am I in the Matrix mall? If I see a fucking cat walk by twice, I'm gonna start shooting anyone in a black suit with sunglasses that is doing a revolved side angle pose. This pie was also the server's other favorite, seems like there is a pattern here of selling as much 'ZA to any pedestrian as possible. Jesus, I'm such a fucking sucka for roasted pork and figs on anything. If they had fried chicken as a topping, I would get that no questions asked. Let's take a closer look at that giant noodle of a crust... I bet you, this shit can float.

Not as much char blisters on this pie which was weird because the oven rotates inside for even cooking. This was the only area that had decent char spots. Once again, this pie was dry and chewy like eating a bowl of Cherrios in the desert with no milk. The pork was dried out but the figs were sweet and gummy. I really have to stop getting these white pies with fancy toppings on them... They all fucking suck.

Zeppole, honey whipped ricotta. The big thick triangles of fried pizza dough dusted in 10x sugar looked the part when it came out but when you take a bite of this wheel choke it will make you want to spit it out and stick it under the table leg to stop the wobbling or am I just dizzy from this dreadful specimen. The whipped ricotta was fine but no amount of that creamed jizz will make these thick, dense, hard to chew door stops go down your throat any easier, no matter how many bags of dicks you have swallowed. Save your money and skip these abominable snowwedge at all costs. They suck ass.

Was the 'ZA here Genuine? No, but the service was friendly, prompt and totally pleasant. But the manager/owner/partner/meathead seemed to belong more at an ultra lounge on the Jersey shore than running a 'ZA joint in a mall... Bedazzled jeans are so 24 minzies ago, just sayin', bro. If I had to pay full price for these 'ZAs, I would not have been so nice about it. But the happy hour deal is a good way to try all the different pies they have to offer (they are pretty small, so, go with a couple other peoples). I would not make this a destination 'ZA joint but if I was forced to be in this mall again, I would not mind trying the spicy pepperoni and Italian sausage pies next time (no more fucking white pies for this fat fuck)... During happy hour, of course. Everything else on the menu sounded so pedestrian and boring as fuck... Oven roasted 1/2 cheekan for $19? Puh-leez. I can get a whole roasted cheekan for $5 at Kroger or Publix... Don't forget to grab a box of fwied cheekan, too. If you time it right, Walmart puts their whole roasted chicken out for half price after a certain time. The Pouch is all about good deals these days and my one reader deserves to know the inside scoop.

3500 Peachtree Rd.
Room # 1096B
Atlanta, GA 32608
https://www.genuinepizza.com/locations/phipps-plaza