Another year, another McRib

Just like clockwork and bowel movements... The McRib mysteriously appears from obscurity back into the limelight during Thanksgiving time. The hunt for the Ma-Crib during the rest of the year is near impossible except for some franchisees that hoard the limited supply of frozen molded rib meat in some hidden vault in a cellar next to their harem of homeless runaways.
Once a year, the pouch is on the quest for the elusive 100% pork meat trimmings that is restructured and shaped into a small rack of ribs with BBQ sauce, onions and pickles between a 5 1/2" roll. It is one of the most beloved and vile specimen ever devised by fast food kind... And the pouch will eat the fuck outta it on an annual basis. Now, where the fuck can I find one of these creastures... You can never find these things in the city, it's always available at some mossback rural hick town... Maybe that's because you can eat the Ma-Crib with no teeth since there's no bones in it. I had to go all the way down to goddamn fucking Macon to gum the fuck outta this beast... I know what y'all are saying, why the fuck would you drive to bumblefuck nowhere USA, are you fucking schizo, pouch? Yes, I have been out of touch with reality since 1972... But y'all know that I would do anything for my one fan's loyalty. Ok, I was heading down to south Georgia anyways for turkey day. So, you motherfuckers are in for a treat... If I can get out alive.

The tradition lives on! OMG... Look at it, it even has it's own packaging this year... And not tossed into a sausage gravy and biscuit styrofoam box like last year. This shit is glorious and seems legit now... I'm in awe right now with no bodily control whatsoever... I think I just soiled my underpants a la Jackson Pollock's Number 2... And I haven't even taken a bite yet. Open this shit up already, pouch! We want a look at the goods!

I swore I heard a southern Baptist church choir singing in the back ground when this specimen was revealed in all it's glory... And it looked like a total mess. There was HFCS brown jizz all over the place like a bukkake scene on a Japanese school girl's face. What dope in the back put this together? It looked like he played hacky sack with this. Is that onions or packing peanuts? Lifted up the bun to inspect the innards and it looked like someone attempted to make a fucked up blooming onion on my Ma-Crib with a few slices of pickles tossed in there haphazardly. The pork meat patty still retained it's iconic shape of fake rib bones and meat... Still excessively bathe in the mysterious and cloyingly sweet sticky brown sauce. Fuck it, I'm going in... Someone call my parents and tell them I love them and that I went down doing what I loved for my one reader. Took the first bite... Jesus, it was so soft and mushy. I mean like everything had the same texture with every bite. If you closed your eyes, you could be eating a dirty dish water sponge or a seasoned foam mat under an urinal. That's prolly the best way to eat this thing... With your eyes closed and mouth wide open. Let's face it, no one enjoys eating this forensic exhibit on any level. I have seen homeless people turn down a bag full of them, they rather starve and freeze to death under a bridge than have this sewer sausage sit in their stomach for days. But yet, as I continue to bite, chew and swallow, I find myself enjoying it a little more and more... I know, it's fucking baffling. I wouldn't say it's delicious but it grows on you with every bite like mold in a moist crawlspace. I was eating this thing as fast as I could so I can get the fuck outta there ASAP... So, the only way to do it was to trick the pouch into thinking this was like Popeyes or a Double Down. But this creasture slowed my ass down with the few remaining bites... This thing drops in your gut like a ton of bricks, just sitting there waiting to be slowly digested over a 1000 years like the Sarlacc. I don't think I can even 2 finga diet this fucker up...Those fake rib bones act like barbs on a hook and it only goes one way... Down and out. I managed to complete this annual challenge once again but my age and rotund figure may finally be catching up with the iron pouch. Fuck that noise, I'm just fucking with my one fan... I will continue to consume mass quantities until I can consume no more. And I will always report all the feed that's fit to print on this ridiculous obscure blog... Which is anything and everything that's considered a food group or not, the pouch never discriminates.

Another year and McRib down... I don't know how many more years the pouch have left on this measly rock but we all know that the McRib will never age, mold or go bad for centuries. So, if I do live longer than another 5 years, I always got the Ma-Crib to look forward to in this measly life. Jesus, why didn't you show me the right path to take in life instead of directing me to fucking McDonalds year after year... Thanks for nothing, mofo. I know what I'll be doing after another session on the throne... Crying myself to sleep in my own filth.

I'll see ya next year, Ma-Crib.

Flush.

JR Crickets vs. American Deli: The Lemon Pepper Wet Challenge

Now, that the whole lemon pepper wet hype has died down a bit from the social media's flavor of the week... Wait, was lemon pepper wet even a thing or was it just all in my tiny pea brain universe? Who knows but the pouch is gonna bring that shit back with a vengeance (hopefully my bowels can handle it)... With a lemon pepper wet challenge. Jesus, I can feel the IBS-D and gout flare up lining up to punish the pouch's stupid ass challenges...C'mon, I was triple dog dared by Scut Farkus.. Or was I just dreaming that shit by the endless showings of A Christmas Story. Whatever, I don't care, I'm still gonna do it anyways. So, the question was who else does a lemon pepper wet besides J.R. Cricket's to go head to head for this challenge... Hmmm, good question. Wait, isn't there a dumpy chain with an American Chinese grub menu that does lemon pepper wet? Yes! Fucking American Deli does. Oh, this is so fucking on like Foghorn Leghorn... Did someone say fwied cheekan legz? Let's get to the challenge first with American Deli.. Because 'Murica!

American Deli LPW-

Their combo meal is pretty decent for under $10 and they don't charge you extra for extra wet... They just drown that shit with so much lemon pepper jizz like a Japanese bukkake flick. And I fucking love them for it. The more lemon pepper jizzlobbery the better this challenge will be. These wings were made to order and they were pretty crispy in the beginning, they get a bit soggy after sitting in that lemon pepper bukkake juice. The lemon pepper flavor has a distinct zesty flavor and follows through the entire time but after awhile you get that fake chemical seasoning aftertaste and it's also salty as fuck, too. Thank god, I got the combo with the unlimited refills of orange Fanta... Nothing says love than more HFCS for the pouch. Like I ain't obeast enough already, but I like orange. The medium sized wings are pretty good and they are juicy and moist since they were made to order. The lemon pepper will get overwhelming after the 6th wing... But only if you keep drowning it in the sauce with each bite. The crinkle cut brown bag were surprisingly decent and crispy and clean tasting.

J.R. Cricket's LPW-

This is what everyone has been jerking off on social media about. It's a 50/50 mix of the regular old mild buffalo wing sauce with a decent amount of the lemon pepper seasoning mix. Ask them to make it a bit more wet or else they come out somewhat dry... But they charge you extra for the "wet", so might as well make them wetter. I like the extra pool of sludge on the bottom to bathe each wing before it goes into my snout. The wings here are a tad bigger than American Deli's and they are a bit more crispier, the juiciness and tenderness of the flesh is just as good as AD's... That is if both were made fresh to order for the comparison. Their normal buffalo sauce is kinda weak but it still overshadows the flavor of the lemon pepper. The lemon pepper seasoning acts almost like a topping of flavor sprinkles. You only get hints of it here and there. It's pretty much just a normal order of buffalo wings... But that doesn't mean it was bad. I like their wings, I just don't know if I like their lemon pepper wet that much to be ordering it consistently. The regular straight cut brown bag fries were a bit soggy from some buffalo sauce that seemed to be poured on accidentally. Still edible but nothing to write home about.

So, who wins out on the LPW challenge? I would say it's a tie. Both have their pros and cons and both were pretty tasty. But if it was based solely on who was lemon pepper wetter... Then that goes to American Deli just because the wings were doing a backstroke in it's own bukkake juice. But that's about it on what American Deli has to offer, just the wings and nothing else... I witnessed their "Chinese" food. Good god, for the love of baby Jesus... Just don't do it. You'll be bukkake-ing the face of your toilet bowl with a special bowel brew afterwards... And it ain't gonna be creamy white.

But wait... The pouch ain't done with this shit yet... Y'all know that the pouch can't stop with just ordering one thing. Since, I was at J.R. Crickets already, I had to try a few other nibbles. Let's take a gander at what else they offer besides wings.

Chicken Finger, onion rings. So, they have a lot of different combos and you can basically mix and match anything, just ask them and they will do it within reason. The cheekan fingaz were made to order and they were pretty decent, a bit on the thin side for the chicken itself but the crust/breading was light and crispy. The onion rings were on the medium/large size which were acceptable considering everything in this basket was fried to fat fuck status.

Ribs. C'mon, stop it... You're not serious, Pouch, about getting ribs here are you? Fuck yeah, I am, broski. This was part of the combo (chicken and ribs). You can also get ribs on the side but you can't get one rib for 50 cents or 15 cents for a sip of soda nor pour it in your hand for a dime. I can't believe I'm saying this but the ribs were actually decent. They were moist and tender with a hint of smoke... And it didn't taste like liquid smoke, either, I hope. They don't drown the ribs in the thick ass BBQ sauce to mask the quality like at many other places. The ribs are on the smaller side but they did have a decent amount of meat on there in this combo deal. I still can't believe these were decent enough for me to not tear them a new bunghole for it... Baffling.

Overall, this lemon pepper wet wing challenge turned out better than expected with no serious casualties to my bowels... Yet. 


After a couple days with no reported side effects from the LPW wings and combo challenge... I had another hankering for wangz again... So, I went back again to see if the grub was just an one off or if they actually can keep this consistency up... Why am I such a fat fuck, it's so embarrassing that I can't control my muffin top. Let's see what other crap was stuffed into the pouch.

Lemon Pepper Wings & Chicken, onion rings. Since, the lemon pepper wet wasn't all that it claimed to be, I went for just the regular old lemon pepper... And they were a lot better without the wet hot sauce part. This time the lemon pepper zesty flavor came through... But the wings seemed a bit smaller than the last visit. Still totally acceptable, though. And of course, since, I can't resist fwied cheekan I had to order it again. This time the cheekan fingaz were thicker and better, but the crispy crust was just as crunchy as the last time. The onion rings were also better because the batter held on to the onion rings a lot better and very crispy as well. All around a decent showing... So far.

Naked Wings & Clam Strips, fries. I know what y'all are saying... Clam Strips?!! Yes, motherfuckers, the Pouch loves goddamn clam strips, they remind me of HoJo's when I was just a small sack. I usually like my wings naked most of the time because they stay crispy for longer and I like to dip my wings in the sauce one at a time. If the hot sauce sucks then the rest of the wings aren't tainted. Since, I know their regular hot sauce is weak as fuck, so, I asked for an amped up version of the buffalo hot sauce. I'm not a fan of their 3 mile island meltdown because it's so thick but I think they just added some into the regular hot sauce to give it an extra kick for me. The naked wings are the way to go, they stay crispy longer and it just tastes better when dipped into the sauce one at a time. The fries were just the same as last time, just belly filler. But what about those damn clam strips you have been jerking off about so much, pouch?! They were pretty sad... Over fried, dried out and basically just a tooth chipping fried clam turd... But I ate it anyways. I just hate to waste food and yes, I will eat anything because I am a disgusting obeast creasture. I just thought about Fork in the Road's awesome clam strip dinner the whole time I was shoveling these mini clam dongs into my facehole to trick myself into thinking they were good. Skip the clam strips, my one fan.

Eating this much fried food can't be... Well, y'all know how good that is for you. But it sure tastes good going down and I'll forget all about it after I cry myself to sleep and waking up the next week 10 pounds heavier. But these are the types of culinary challenges the pouch is willing to conquer for it's one loyal fan.

Pump pump... Squirt.

Crazy Crab Seafood House

This washed up strip mall in Northlake has been a hobo hangout of sorts... The only thing that really keeps this dumpy mall alive is Coco Cabana and they are fucking suspect as hell... Their menu is just ok but the club scene on the weekends are just a fiesta loca. There is a helluva lot of salsa dancing and sweaty belly rubbing to the tunes of Marc Anthony and Pitbull. The fashion of the patrons looked it came off the run way of a halfway house... Or a donation box outside of Kacey's Home Cooking. So much fucking muffin topping up in that piece... And half of the crowd ain't even Latinos, they're Mexican'ts. It may look like an episode of Life Goes On but in reality it's just an organized shit show of mutts in there... And I can't wait to go back for a revisit.
But a few doors down, there was a spot that once lived a mythical creasture called Mandarin Palace that dwell in this lair for dynasties until one day it just mutated into Red Bowl Asian Bistro... What the fuck is the thought behind this move? Trying to capture the millennial demographics? Not in this neck of the woods... I don't think they can even capture the possum and raccoon demographics in this area. Even the pouch said no fucking way after reading the menu... I can get that shit anywhere, USA.
And then not even months later it transformed into a crab boil joint... These fucking things have been popping up everywhere in the last 2 years. You just can't eat this shit everyday, not even once a month, it's just too goddamn messy to eat... Plus, making this shit at home is easy as fuck, even a fat fuck like this oinker can do it. Just toss everything in a pot and turn it to 11. Dunzo.
But pouch, we don't care about your home made slop... We want to know what's the deal with this new crab joint. Don't worry, my one reader will get the scoop on this crab shanty soon enough... Like now... The inside hasn't changed much, they just basically redecorated it with a seaside riff. It's cheesy as fuck but it's clean at least. Jesus, I'm scratching my one ball already... I can feel the crabs crawling up my pants to attack my shriveled sack. Stay the fuck away from the baby turtle or else there will be trouble. Ok, let's take a first look... I'm kinda skeered, just a lil lady bit.

Crazy Crab Seafood Boil Combo for 2, snow crab legs, shrimp, crawfish, clams, mussels, sausage, corn, potatoes. When the server brought this out, I was like why the fuck is she putting the garbage on a silver platter on our table... Shouldn't they be taking out the garbage through the back door? Is this the Royal family's stool bag from under their throne? I was about to yell rat shit until she said that's the combo boil. Ok, I'll buy that, my mistake... For now. Let's open up this sack of suds...

Release the Kraken! And my button fly popped open... Behold! Tis a hefty serving, more than enough for 2 piglets. You can get different flavors and heat levels. But most people will prolly get the garlic butter and mild heat level... Just get the hot sauce on the side and add to it as you like because we all know most hot sauce sucks midget balls. Digging through this cinch sack revealed a lot of food... It's just all resting on the bottom beneath the snow crab legs. It's messy and greasy as fuck, so they give you a plastic lobster bibb and rubber gloves to compensate for this IBSD in a bag on a silver platter... I can hear those crabs saying, no glove no surimi. It's a good boil but what boil isn't? Unless it's full of rancid rotten seafood or just way over cooked to mush. I wouldn't be surprised if most of these ingredients were frozen but it tasted just fine. I ain't gonna rush back here for another combo deal any time soon but it was respectable enough to tell people about it... Shit, I may have spoken too soon... My bowels are starting to erupt into a musical score... Sounds almost like the Flight of the Valkyries... This may be how angels lose their wings... In a shit storm they can't fly through. Ok, it wasn't that bad... But there were some grumblings in the pouch like the Frog King and Lemmiwinks were battling within.

Fried Oyster Basket, cajun fries, hush puppies. The picture looks much heftier than it was... There were about 8 medium size oyster, some with more breading outside than the sea snot inside. They were ok tasting, nothing that gave you an explosion of flavors in your mouth when you bite into them. The cajun fries were regular old brown bag fries with a dusting of fake Old Bay, not much flavor to it... I had to keep dipping it in the garlic hot sauce that came with the boil combo. Hush puppies are always boring, just saw dust filler to trick your stomach that it's satiated. Overall, it's not a bad fried basket just not a lot of oomph to it. When I think of fried oysters, I think of a fat bellied oyster with a light thin crispy crust that literally explodes in your mouth with the full power of it's briny jizz... I think I just soiled my cameltoe underpants thinking about it. Now, I'm thinking about Fork in the Road's fried clam strip dinner... That shit is so good, just like HoJo's back in the days. Based on this oyster fried basket, I assume their other baskets will be similar in taste and execution... Shit, most of them will be from the freezer anyways. Unless you're fucking starving, I wouldn't order the fry baskets... Just stick to the boil items.

I don't have anything too bad to say about this joint, it was actually decent for what it was and it wasn't "Crazy"... But based on the initial small crowd in here on a weekend night, they may be manifesting into another trendy concept in the near future if this doesn't pan out... I don't want to say it but it may eventually have something to do with poke. But in the mean time, I won't stop my one reader from making a visit here. I don't think it will matter much to the viability of this spot but Coco Cabana will still be living la vida loca now matter how many times Sybil changes her personality in this space.

4073 Lavista Rd Suite 369
Tucker, GA 30084
http://www.crazycrabga.com/