McRib

The Thanksgiving feast is not over until the Pouch has ravaged the elusive McRib... You complete me. Now, show me the McRib! That motherfucker had me at High Fructose Corn Syrup and pork byproduct of ass and lips. But where can a fat fuck find one of these beauties... Don't worry, there's an app for that. The godsent McRib app to the rescue... I actually didn't use it, I wouldn't be caught dead and bloated with angel lust with that app on my phone... It's so embarrassing. My mama always tell me to wear clean underpants just in case something happens, well, after ingesting a McRib, I don't think that would make a difference. The app I used to locate the intangible McRib was with my gurgling pouch sense. I subconsciously turned around and saw a McRib sign out front of a McDonald's while I was getting gas at some god forbidden hellhole in south Georgia. Why the fuck do they always send the bulk of the McRib supply to rural ass locations... We all know that the McRib is soft, boneless and easy to chew, perhaps that's why they send them to areas that have a 34% teeth rate. With such a large supply of molded and pressed slab of ribbed sando meat, I couldn't pass up this opportunity to gum down some gamey yum yums... Let's continue the annual tradition of eating something that has been an UFO since it's manifestation... Not just because it's so scarce but it's also an edible Unidentified Fecal-like Object.

What the fuck is this? They haven't used styrofoam in decades... Or have they? Where the fuck did this container come from? I'm really intrigued with this 80's era food container but I didn't order a Sausage Gravy and Biscuit. But wait, have y'all ever heard of this before? Was this a dream? Why am I thinking about Trainspotting all of the sudden... Choose life or nasty sausage gravy. This item is actually on the secret menu. I never had it and never will... But obviously it doubles for a McRib container. And when they run out of this environmentally friendly box, they can always use an Apple Pie sleeve to put the McRib in... It's like a Hot Pocket then. It might actually not be a bad idea. Hmmm... And now, on to the beat off material we've been waiting for...

Behold! Release the Kraken... Wait a second, let me pull my pants up, I was thinking of a different Kraken. So, this mystery meat creasture hasn't changed one bit and prolly never will... They say it's all 100% pork filler but I've heard that before... It could be compressed sawdust and no one would be the wiser under all that HFCS BBQ sauce. The only thing real on here are the onions and pickles. The molded rib rack patty was totally covered in sauce on purpose, so you can't tell what it is and you won't dare try to dissect that with your hands with all that sauce on there. The McDonald's bread are made by wizards and sorcerers because they never die and will live forever, never mold, deflate or get stale, just like the styrofoam containers. I know what you motherfuckers are saying, how can you eat that shit, pouch? I really don't want to but I know secretly that y'all really want me to eat this specimen and report back with the findings like some science experiment with my iron bowels. Look, the bread is like eating a plane seat cushion on the moon, it has anti-gravity properties and tastes like nothing similar to space... The crunch of the onions and pickles gives you a false sense of organic freshness. And the HFCS drenched meat patty is so cloyingly sweet that it just blankets everything else after you take a bite in your mouth. It's almost like eating a giant McNugget dipped in BBQ sauce. Is it cheekan, beef, pork or cardboard? Who the fuck knows but it's not craveworthy by any means. Stare at it long enough and it looks eerily like a filthy hooker I met at a casino bar in Atlantic City once, it's not even worthy enough to stick your dick in it, let alone put your mouth on it... At least the Pretty Ugly Woman took nachos as payment, I had to pay actual cash for this smegma covered brown meat flap. And yes, I ate it all... To capture the full experience that only a McRib can provide. And it was something that I would wish upon my worst enemy. My bowels are fucking pissed off and demanding whiskey to drown the beast within. Don't have to twist my arm to guzzle brown juice down my gullet. You gotta be real stupid or real desperate to eat this, even just once a year... And yes, I'm desperate and stupid... And we all know you can't fix stupid and stupid traditions. I will prolly eat another one next year... Like I said...
Can't.
Fix.
Stupid.

Flush.