Arby's Smokehouse Pork Belly Sandwich

Oh lordy, I can't believe I'm doing this... But what the hell, YOLO but my bowels will torture me for weeks... Fuck it, just do it, pouch...
The pork belly trend has come and gone from the front lines of the hipster resto scene... But that doesn't mean it's considered a redheaded stepchild, now... No fucking way, bacon is always good. And good for you, science has proved it, I saw articles on Facebook that said so. When the trendy resto scene has purged the pork belly as their star on the menu, you can always rely on fast food chains to pick up that slack or play cleanup hitter... They are like the 12th man on the team and the last to know about current food trends. They love suckering you in with their gimmicky concoctions after the fact. Shit, didn't TGIF just introduced their new Korean Tacos... Now, for a limited time only, Arby's has come up with a Smokehouse Pork Belly Sando. For the love of baby Jesus' stigmata hands... I hardly eat fast food sandwiches but when there's a gimmick being offered and it involves bacon, y'all know the pouch will fucking do it for his one fan... That motherfucker has been egging me on to eat that shit that no person in their right mind would... I'm like a fucking guinea pig... Keyword is pig. I'm not worried, though, Obama said he will take care of me if I get sick, he promised. Let's take a look at the nutritional info, shall we...

Arby's Smokehouse Pork Belly Sandwich (248g)
Calories - 860 (from Fat - 550)
Fat - 61g (Saturated Fat - 23g)
Sodium - 1540mg
Carbs - 49g (Sugar - 13g)
Protein - 29g

This is for one goddamn sando?! Sweet Jesus... Why the fuck am I doing this again? My sphincter is gonna give a whole new meaning to the word "Trainspotting"... This friggin sando better not look like the worst toilet in Scotland. It's suppose to look like this...

Doesn't look too bad, does it? Let's see if the PR pic is anything close to the real thing...

The box looks ok so far... Looks like it can hold a large sando in there. I am fucking scared, yo... First time ever that I'm afraid to spread open a big box and eat what's inside... Well, there was that one husky girl I picked up once down in Miami, let's just say she wasn't all that savory... But she did have a bag of pupusas, though.

This doesn't look very shiny and new. Looks kinda depressing... Wait, is this a mirror? This sad sando and the pouch will get along real well, crying ourselves to sleep in a church basement somewhere... My life is one disappointment after another. The star split top bun looks like an Xbox that was strapped inside a hot car seat all day.

What the fuck is this?! I don't think any amount of antibiotics can cure this... I can't tell if it looks more like Rosie O'Donnell's juicy brown eye or the Predator's gnarly gash... I bet Arnold has nailed both and kissed it on the mouths. But seriously, this does not look healthy at all... The fried onion rings have fused together with the BBQ sauce and that single serving slice of "cheddar" cheese is the worse case of donkey smegma I have ever seen. But what's that underneath Michael Moore's slobber... Is that two slabs of pork belly under there? Seriously, yo, there's actually two real slices of pork belly under that mess. Peel that yellow placenta away and you will find a couple of pretty thick slices of pork belly but they didn't criss-cross it like in their pic. The hogs were about 3/4" thick and in some countries that would be considered above average manhood. Put the shit all back together and prepared myself to take the first bite... I'm staring at this thing and thinking about what it will look like when it comes out the other end... Shit, it might just come back out the way it went in from the involuntary gag reflexes like a 16 year old just starting out in the "biz"... Perhaps I should spit on it so it goes down easier. Godfuckindammit, just do it pouch, stop being a geriatric vag, inhale that hog already... We know you want to. Took a big bite. The bun was sturdy but yet soft and forgiving. The BBQ sauce was ultra sweet and muted the processed cheese slice. The onion rings just disintegrated within that mess. The pork belly slices were smoky and fatty... I mean big pieces of fat like the real thing but I spit the fat out, it was just too gelatinous in this sando, it was prolly the luck of the draw on the cuts. I couldn't believe it was actually smoky like real smoke not liquid smoke. I gotta admit, they used real pork belly slices in there and they weren't chintzy about it either. If I had more meatier slices it woulda been a lot better because you're not spending time pulling pieces of gristly fat outta your facehole. The bun and pork belly was fine (as much as you can say for a fast food dump) but the rest of the ensemble was merely a distraction to the total package. I'm somewhat impressed by the real pork belly but at the end of the day, sitting on the toilet, I wouldn't do it again. Once is more than enough... Until they come out with a ramen char siu sando.

Y'all, know that the pouch can't live on a sando alone, it needs side snacks. Look at this nasty spread... Even the cheekan fingaz were giving me the bird. Ok, the curly fries are decent, the chicken tenders are crispy but dry as all fuck, no wonder you get so obeast eating this shit, you have to dip those tenders in the HFCS sauce repeatedly just to wash it down. Why the fuck did I do this... I never take requests. I hate you motherfuckers... Look at that pic, my bowels are regurgitating that slop back up like I'm trying to feed a baby bird. It's all going to be Popeyes reviews for the next month, dicks.