Brush Sushi Izakaya

Dropped in last minute on a very quiet week night... Ok, it was on a hump day, so I guess most people were at home bumping uglies while I was dry humping my pouch, like usual... And it needed to be filled. I wanted either Napoletana 'ZA or sooshee... And since I already had some below average Napo 'ZA recently, it was time for some quality sea creastures.
I have enjoyed all my visits to Brush since they opened... Ok, maybe the duo broth ramen was just ok but now they also have a lobster ramen for $28. Shit, I better start saving up for that bowl. Decatur needed a quality sooshe joint and Brush delivered because Sushi Avenue should not be on anyone's list if they actually care about real sushi. I think Brush's menu should be more acknowledged by the scenesters but it's hard to gain any traction with the sheep until some national rag deems them to be worthy... Just like Staplehouse finally got the recognition they deserve and now they are booked all the way out to October. Brush is just as worthy... They are doing everything right but we also know that most people don't know jack shit about good sushi and it doesn't involve fucking rolls, either. Let's go get a quick snack and see how they're doing these days.

Ankimo. When it's available, this saggy fat sack will order it. I can't get enough of the monkfish liver, it's so smooth, creamy, buttery, delicate and oh-so-god-damn-guud.

Brush Platter. I like their omakase but sometimes you just don't have the time to do one because there's booze to drink and hookers to see. The Brush platter is a good sampler to showcase a bunch
of their prized fishies. Look at this spread and the quality fish. Damn, it was good. Go get yer some.

Sweet Shrimp. This was a new creation by the pouch... And Jason accepted the challenge and fucking nailed it. Most places break off the tail and fry up the head to serve with the tail nigiri... But the pouch triple dog dared them to take it up a notch.... Keep the head and the tail shell intact, flour and deep fry it to give it more volume visually and bite wise. Look at it, it was a fucking thing of beauty, yo. And tasted amazing. He said, he will be doing this from now on... And I expect to be collecting my 25 cent per piece royalty going forward as well. You ran out of sweet shrimp? Fuck you, pay me! Ok, you can pay me with sweet shrimp, ok, pal?

Kabayaki Unagi, bincho-tan grilled eel, cucumber, avocado. Yeah yeah, don't even get me started... I didn't order this roll, my one reader knows how much I despise gaijin rolls. But... The eel in this case was actually very tasty, the rest of it was boring as fuck... As expected. Why do chicks and gaijins love fucking rolls? Why they keep calling it sushi? These are the things that baffles the mind and pouch.

I think this joint is way better than what the public's perception of them is... Anyone remember Soto? 13 motherfucking years in Atlanta and no one gave a shit about him or his skills... Then he moved to NYC and killed it, winning award after motherfucking award nationwide. Now, douchebags are coming out of the woodwork and saying they were regulars at Soto... Ok, where the fuck were you when he was still here? Don't be that cocksucker that says the same thing when Brush moves to another state. Do the right thing and eat as many meal here as you can and for as long as you can. Keep these motherfuckers here in Decatur and the lord knows the square needs a quality sooshee joint like this here.
Goddamn it, I'm still thinking about that sweet shrimp... Yeah, it was that good.

Squirt.

316 Church St.
Decatur, GA 30030
http://www.brushatl.com/

1 Kept

If I wanted a party in my mouth, I would come here... And I did. My mouth was full of comings and goings. This joint has always been one of my favorites, hidden on the backside of a building that no one really pays attention to because of the newish Hawks player's DS17 lounge that blocks the driveway for hours on end. That lounge will last... Sure, ok. But let's get back to 1Kept, I love this place, it has a great vibe and menu... They keep the dishes pretty simple and straight forward but with good flavors that makes them stand out even more. I haven't had a bad dish here. I like the crowd, too... It's so close to Buckhead proper but you don't get the proper Buckhead toolbags in here. Ok, maybe one or four but at least these brodudes don't high five and chest bump each other after every shot of red headed slut they do... I can't speak for the one sitting at the end of the bar, poor girl.
Ok, on this night, it was truly a party and the amount of vittles had was obscene... I'm not even gonna go on and on about each dish... Just feast your eyeballs on this. My bowels are already scared for the onslaught of grub that will be inhaled fast and furious...

Hogs of War.

Wild Mushroom Flatbread.

Fennel Pork Meatballs.

Tuna Poke.

Fried Okra.

Potato & Herb Gnocchi.

18 Hr Pork Ravioli.

SC Seafood Hot Pot.

Day Boat Scallops.

Steak Frites.

Bone-In Pork Chop.

Dessert Thing #1.

Dessert Thing #2.

Dessert Thing #3.

Did I just eat the whole entire fucking menu? My bloated pouch is evidence of the crime... This is why the pouch is dangerous in scenes like this. It just can't stop or say no until the kitchen runs outta food. Once again, they did not disappoint... Every dish was executed spot on and seasoned well... Ok, maybe one or two dishes were a bit over-seasoned but getting another cocktail to wash it down was all good with me.

Burp.

2293 Peachtree Rd NE
Atlanta, GA 30309
http://www.1kept.com/

Pig Tales Lake Lanier

Jesus Henry Christ... Why the fuck am I even writing about a joint way the fuck upstate GA? No one will come up here for this slop. It musta been a light eating week for the pouch... Well, not really but I gotta give my one fan the scoop on what chow is available when you're boating and drunk as a hillbilly hobo on moonshine. Y'all gotta nosh on something to absorb all that white lightning. Ok, I'm just fucking wit y'all... A lot of people on Lake Lanier ain't fucking poor, they might be total rednecks but the yacht they're driving cost the same as 2 bedroom condo in midtown... Manhattan.
So, where do these rich mossbacks go to eat after boating and whoring all morning? Some come to the Aqualand Marina to snack on some touristy BBQ and a ton of fried shit. This marina is pretty nice, they got some nice docks to park in. Let's go check out the grub... 

Frickles, kosher dill chips hand battered and deep fried. Crispy, light batter and briny pickle chips... They were seasoned nicely and the jalapeno ranch was not spicy but doable. What's not to like?

Cheddar Cheese Pints, beer battered Wisconsin white cheddar cheese bites. Look at these ultra redneck nuggets... Wisconsin white cheddar, c'mon, it was like a Polly-O string cheese cut into 8 pieces battered and fried. There is no such thing as Wisconsin white cheddar, it ain't a real cheese... But don't tell that to the hicks up here, let them live the dream.

Gator Hater, crispy fried gator bites served with Boom Boom sauce. I'm fucking laughing so hard already at the "Boom Boom sauce", it kinda reminds of the Donkey sauce... The dumbest name for sauce ever. By the time these gator haters got to me, they were half gone... Are they that good? If you're fucking 11 beers in, they are god's gift to your pouch. It says gator but they taste like cheekan, shit, everything taste like cheekan... But, yes, they are made with real gator and they pretty damn tasty. C'mon, it's fried.

Smoked Brisket, certified Angus beef brisket slow smoked and served with two Hawaiian sweet rolls with pork rinds on the side. Do I even dare to try the 'brisket' up here? Usually, hillbilly places in the woods do make some good BBQ but if you don't try it you won't know if it's any good. It's interesting they give you a couple Hawaiian rolls, do they even know what that shit is? The big hunk of brisket was ugly looking... I was expecting slices of it with a dark bark, nice smoke ring, tender and moist. This brisket had a really nice smoke ring but everything else about it was disappointing. The pork rinds were pretty decent but it's hard to fuck them up unless they have been sitting under a heat lamp for hours.

Up close and personal... Kinda reminds me of an ex-girlfriend... And man, was she a psycho... In bed. That's what her fortune cookie said... No, really she had a fortune cookie fortune tattooed around her vag that said that. I wished I coulda broke up with this dry ass brisket as easily as I did with that broad. There was so much fat globs all over this thing... And I had to sauce the shit outta it just to slide it down my throat. The brisket was underwhelming, stay away from it and get the pulled pork instead.

The joint is ok for what it is... If you have been out on the lake all day and drinking heavily, this place will do to get your belly filled and to absorb all that liquid funk. But this ain't a destination for their food, especially the BBQ... I didn't even see or smell a smoker.

6800 Lights Ferry Rd
Flowery Branch, GA 30542
http://pigtaleslakelanier.com/

Rathbun Steak

I had not been back here in awhile, so it was time to check in again and see how they're doing. I don't think I need to tell my one reader that KR delivers the goods on a daily basis across his restos... They have been consistently good. So, why don't I come more often then? Because I would be 300 pounds heavier in my ass and 300 dollars lighter in my wallet. You don't order a friggin' salad when you come here, just don't fucking do it, I will 'pretend healthy eating' shame you... When you come here, you're boozing top shelf cocktails and slaying fatty juicy cuts of manmeat like the pouch... If you're lucky, you may even slay a lonely recently divorced hooker at the bar. Ok, less moving my mouth with cheap talk and more moving my mouth with manmeat.
The place still packs them in, the bar was full to the brim (oh, there's a lot of lonely cougars with decent boob jobs at the bar on this night, grrrr), the dining room was jamming and the kitchen was pumping. It's a good sign for things to come and go into the pouch. Let's go eat already for fuck sake... All this talking doesn't fill up the pouch.

Hudson Valley Foie Gras. If you're gonna eat like shit for one night, do it with style... The foie gras was ultra buttery and melted in my piehole like chocolate in the summer heat. It's just a great starter dish to prepare your mouth for some incredible juicy manmeat.

Ribeye. Look at that beast... Pre-sliced and ready to be fed. The temp was spot on mid rare, perfect. Did y'all expect any less from this joint... So damn tender and full of flavor. This shit ain't healthy but it's a pretty amazing piece of meat when executed correctly.

Broiled Maine Lobster Tail. If you're gonna do it up at a joint like this, you might as well go all the way with an overpriced lobster tail. They do it right with the tail and the clarified butter... Shit was dericious with the ribeye.

Smoked Tomato Risotto, Grana Padano, Basil. Gotta have some side dishes to get even fatter... Am I right or am I right. This was nice little dish, a bit smokey and tasted great, wasn't mushy, overcooked or liquidity... It was just right.

Elbow Mac & Cheese. Pretty much a classic mac and cheez with a lot of gooey buttery cheese. This is very good for your ass and your heart. I can only imagine how many orders of this they go through per night... Yeah, it's that tasty.

Also, had the lobster fritters, smokey braised greens and charred jalapeno creamed corn but didn't have a chance to take their mugshots because the grubby fat fingaz at the table destroyed them before I had a chance to. Use your imagination... They were that good.

Steak still got it and has what it takes to be one of the best steakhouses in this town... And I don't see them getting complacent about their success any time soon. 
Are y'all happy now? I finally broke my streak of visiting low rent chain restos because someone had to do it... One pouch can only eat so much of that slop. But who knows, another one of those special ed reviews may pop up again in the near future. I can't eat at upscale restos all the time, besides, crappy restos are more fun to write about... Surprises is what the pouch is all about and you motherfuckers will read it and like it.  

154 Krog St
Atlanta, GA 30307
http://www.kevinrathbunsteak.com

Bahama Breeze

I know what y'all are thinking... Why the fuck has the Pouch been so low rent lately with all these chain restos and sub shops. Listen, you prejudice intolerant grazing mofos, the pouch doesn't discriminate, it only delivers what my one fan wants to know about all foods high and low brow. I will eat anything because I preach and practice tolerance and peace... Or is that piece as in a 10 piece box of Popeyes. The pouch is it's own creature, no one controls that saggy fat bag, not even me. It's his world I'm just living in it and my job is to drive him to places that serve food. You know what, that was all bullshit, I have no idea why I came here except that I got gift card from my mom and she thought I would like the coconut shrimp... Wait, they have coconut skrimpz? Fuck yeah, bro... Let's go.
Looked on Google maps and this place is like way the fuck upstate GA in Duluth... Jesus, I have to eat with the mossbacks in the same room? So, I come up with a plan to go right when they open for lunch... Then I can sneak in, eat that slop, make my assessment and get the fuck out ASAP. Of course, plans made on the quick always ends up as planned... Right? Naturally... 
The location is so weird, perched on top of a half-assed parking lot that doesn't even make sense, that lot was prolly really fucking cheap. The place itself is pretty large and has the cheesy Caribbean island/tiki theme... But I kinda liked it. What I didn't like was the wet sticky menu... Who the fuck was beating off to the fish tacos page? Why does this joint remind me of the movie "Waiting" all of the sudden...

Chicken Empanadas. WTF? These don't look half bad... Where the fuck am I again? The pastry was crunchy, flaky and not greasy at all... WTF. How can this be? I was expecting to get some juicy beat off material for my review to destroy this place... But the empanadas destroyed my hopes for that. The chicken filling was pretty impressive as well and this was totally acceptable... I fucking hate saying that. But I must report the truth no matter how much it hurts and tasted better than I wanted it to.

Conch Fritters. C'mon, there is no fucking way this will be better than the sick fresh conch fritters I had at Twin Brothers in Bahamas. I was right, they were not, not even close... But there were pretty respectable. Jesus, what the fuck are you doing to me here... How am I gonna rip them a new asshole if you don't help me out and give me some ammo to work with. The golden brown crust was a bit crunchy outside and had a nice fluffy texture inside... Surprisingly, it had a decent amount of conch bits in there. They kinda surprised me on these bites as well... This must be a goddamn dream right now.

Coconut Shrimp Dinner. This was what my mama told me about... And it's kinda glorious. 8 rather large butterflied skrimpz with a nice coconut breading "fried to perfection" and they fucking mean it, yo! I'm still asking myself where the fuck I am. I can't breathe... Someone open a window. I was expecting some awful plating but the line cooks seemed to actually give a shit about presentation... Am I getting soft? These coconut shrimp are friggin addictive because they are so slutty dericious... Have I all of the sudden become trailer park trash for liking this? What is wrong with me... Don't answer that.

Key West Fish Tacos, Mahi Mahi. I wanted to keep with the seafood theme and I had a feeling the fish tacos will be ultra gringorized with the flour tortillas and the filler on top blanketing the fake mahi mahi... I was half right and half surprised. The flour tortilla while gringo as fuck might have actually been better to hold all that shit in there. The filler was surprisingly light, just some diced tomatoes and cilantro on top. The mahi mahi was grilled and not burnt but the most important thing was that it was real. Ain't no substitute fish in there. For a crackerized fish taco, it was not too shabby. Would I get it again? Prolly not... But the black beans and rice was pretty tasty.

Pina Colada. When in Duluth, gotta do what the Duluthians do... Drink silly prefab tropical drinks but mostly because I wanted booze and to stay within the theme of the joint. Yeah, right, like that's believable.

I don't know what to think of this place... I was ready to tear them a new asshole but I got a nice rim job, instead. That fucking coconut shrimp should be illegal or regulated like everything else in this country, where's big bro when you need him to stop obesity at chain restos... Because that shit is like a drug, you keep eating them one after another just to get that next crunchy fix and they won't even stop you after 9 orders. It's more addictive than blow... I would totally do a couple lines of prawn off a hooker's ass. I know y'all are wondering if the pouch really thinks the food here is really that good or am I getting paid? That's a big fuck no to both, but for a filthy chain resto, the grub was surprisingly edible. I may have to come back here to see what kinda hillbilly tomfoolery there are on the weekends... It's prolly better than going to the zoo.

Vero Pizzeria

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Baldinos Giant Jersey Subs

Year after year, I keep driving past this sub shop and year after year, my pouch says to me, when are we ever gonna stop in there and try it out, you dingus? I tell my pouch, shut the fuck up and mind your own bidness. I feed you when I'm ready to... Then the pouch starts mumbling and rumbling... I want a hamburger. No, cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake. I want potato chips... You'll get nothing, and like it!
So, after the pouch's hissy fit, I decided I would shut his ass up once and for all with a surprise visit for a couple subs. This place supposedly has been "Serving the Best Subs in the World Since 1975"... Has subs even been around that long? That's like a century ago according to millennial math. Fuck millennials, they don't even eat bread with gluten... Shit, people back in the 70's were inhaling gluten by the gallons back then, didn't give a shit or complained about it and they even lived to tell about it now. Let's go check out the subs and see if we develop a stylish condition with all that gluten in there.

Italian Special, thinly slices of pressed & boiled ham, extra provolone, salami and pepperoni. There's something very low rent and redneckish with the shredded lettuce, but somehow I adore it. Maybe because it takes less effort than to chew whole pieces of iceberg lettuce which then also lessens the time for the meat flaps and gluten to slide down to the pouch to shut it up from complaining like a little whiny bitch. The bread here is pretty good, I like it, it's perfect for a sub... But the bottom does get soggy somewhat quickly from all the Eyetalian dressing. So, turn it upside down because the top piece is more robust. It's a pretty standard Italian, the dressing is acceptable and not too herby and vinegary, there's a good amount of meat in there even though you can't see it too well hiding underneath all that vegetable shit. For the price of a half, it's a decent size sub and it will fill up your saggy fat bag.

American Special, lavish layers of turkey, boiled ham and roast beef. I really like the sound of "lavish layers" of assorted meat flaps.... So, on Sunday's they have this American Special with a soup or side for like $3.79, which is a fucking steal, yo... You can't beat that white bread with a stick. You also can't have an American Special without loading it the fuck up with 'nanner peppers and pickled japs... What exactly is an American Special sub... Who the fuck knows but it was pretty good. The bread they use here are spot on for a sub, it hold everything together pretty well.

Chicken Noodle Soup. This reminds me of the soup and bread from the Pine Street shelter when I stopped in to see what all the fuss was about their food many moons ago... Hey, I saw a big line outside and had to check it out. This cheekan noodle soup was nothing special but it helped to wash down that sub with silly lettuce strings. That dinner roll thinger was as big as the bowl of soup... Who needs that much bread.

I get how this place has been around for so long, it's relatively cheap, it's made fresh with pretty decent ingredients and the daily specials truly are a deal. They have cooked dishes and pasta salads as well but you basically come here for the subs which are totally acceptable but not super memorable. They also have a philthy cheesesteak but c'mon, how good can that be? I guess I will have to find out next time when the pouch starts moaning and groaning about never finding a decent philthy in this one horse town.

5697 Buford Hwy NE
Doraville, GA 30340
http://baldinos.us/

Hot Cafe - Laos. Thai. Chinese.

When you see a run down strip mall with signs falling off, pot holes the size of Mama June, hobos sleeping on the curb, plywood on the windows and gunshots in the distance... You know you have just arrived in Laos.... The entire strip mall looked like it's been around since the Depression and haven't changed a bit in decades. This joint has been around for over 20 years, it ain't pretty to look at on the outside and inside but you know it's a goddamn gold mine for authentic ethnic vittles when you get dripped on by the AC unit right over the front door... And I ain't talking about a drop of condensation every 5 seconds, it is basically pouring out of the unit at 5 gallons per minute. They're basically taunting you with a triple dog dare to enter. Seriously, this is the first test to separate the real eaters from the wannabe hipsters. Most people will never come down to this exclusive area except for Tyler Perry and the Pouch. But finding Laotian grub is a lot more difficult than the ubiquitous Thai and Viet joints that line up and down Buford Hwy.

Laos is sandwiched in between Thailand and Vietnam... Which makes sense on their front sign but what about the Chinese part? Well, anyone who knows anything will know that Thailand and parts of Laos is full of Chinos and they have influenced their cooking for many decades... While Vietnam and Laos had a lot more French influence. The menu is pretty evident of their heritage- pho, mee soup, banhcan (noodle soup), lard na, pan fried noodles, pad thai, pad se ew, lab, yum, lo mein, fried rice, pad king, tom yum and a bunch of specials like roast duck, curry and slutty Chinese American dishes.
Let's go check out this dump...

Fried Beef Dry, glutinous rice. The most ridiculously thin and flavorful jerky in this one horse town. These jerky are so damn good that you would shoot someone over it...I just heard another couple shots in the distance. See, even they know this shit is good. You can't have Laotian grub without their national staple, the sticky rice, and this was excellent... The crackers may frown upon the basket that it's served in because there is no plastic wrap lining it. But if you want authentic and the risk of getting some jungle virus, this is the only way to eat it.. with your fingers! Here, smell my fingers...

Fried Sausage. Another Laotian favorite street snack... Look at these beauties, it's like the neighborhood pitbull just took a deuce on a plate... I can't wait to put this in my face gash. The charred skin has that crispy texture as if they lightly flashed fried it, then you get to the porky goodness inside which was tender and flavorful with spices and hints of lemongrass and the bits of waxy fat are reminisce of the Chinese waxy sausage. The chew on this sausage is indescribable, you will just have to eat it to know what I mean... And it's glorious. These are the real deal.

Fried Chicken Wings. Wangz? I know, right? Who the fuck in their right mind would get this? I know what you're thinking... Does it come with fried rice? No motherfucker, it doesn't but it does come with a sweetish red sauce that tasted kinda old... But who cares about that dipping shit, the wings are fucking amazing. How can this be? It is ultra crispy, the skin is thin and crunchy and the meat was juicy. They are addictive, I even ate the tips of the wings, that's how fucking good they were. The family at the next table ordered 3 full sized plates of it, that's fucking 30 goddamn wings and some of them were whole wings. Even the 4 year old ordered a 5 piece with fried rice as his main dish. You know there's something mystical about these wings when the local slopes are ordering these in mass.

Papaya Salad. A lot of yahoos who have ordered this version of papaya salad think that it's too wet and funky... Saying it's too much fish sauce and vinegar. Stupid motherfuckers, you have no fucking clue what you're eating and then pretending to tell us how it should be. Laos style papaya salad, especially here, have shrimp paste... Something that most people never even heard of or used. Hot Cafe uses a lot of shrimp paste added to the fermented fish sauce to give it that rusty pipe water look. You can tell the shrimp paste by it's funky smell, texture and taste. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this. It is damn good and they can make it super spicy as well upon request. Even the mild version had some kick but it does peak quickly, so order it medium spicy so it doesn't destroy your taste buds for the other dishes. I like how they give you some cabbage and pork rinds for a little different contrast and texture.

Pan Fried Noodle with Pork. So what, I didn't get the lard na... I thought long and hard about it but I was craving some slutty pan fried noodles. To tell ya da truth, this wasn't far from the lard na... It's basically the same stir fry mix with the slutty brown sauce you get with the lard na but the noodles are crispy instead of soft wide rice noodles. If you let it sit long enough the crispy egg noodles will get soft from the gravy.Yes, it looked fucking slutty Chino grub as hell to the eyes, but it tasted so much better in your facehole. You get the soften noodles from the gravy and then the crunch from the other ones. This dish shows you how much Chinese influence are in their cuisine.

Everything I have sampled here were damn tasty and some were outstanding... I would have loved to have seen some Lao sandwiches on French baguettes on the menu here... But seriously, how much can two little old ladies do back there in the kitchen? Their menu is extensive enough. There's a lot more to try here but it's hard to get away from the beef jerky and sausage... Even the wings. I will try to sample a different dish on all my future visits. The basil fried rice and green curry sounded very tempting but until then, I will still be dreaming about them beef jerky and sticky rice.

5286 Riverdale Rd
Atlanta, GA 30349

Cook Out

This may be the only time that I wished a fast food joint had an open kitchen so you can see what the fuck is going on back there... There is just something wrong and sneaky about placing your order with the team member behind the counter out front while she spits the order through a mic to the back. What the fuck is back there, I wonder... Every now and then one of the gremlins sticks their head out to see what's going on. It seems very shady to me... Shit, this whole place seems shady to me... Why is there a mountain cabin theme? There isn't even a fucking sink inside the bathroom, it's outside the bathroom like at the Renaissance Festival. Whatever you do, don't fucking wash your hands with the round blue "soap" in the trough... Excuse me while I puke a little in my mouth.
I have never been to one of these places, but every one of these locations is slammed packed all the time... Which is usually located in a pretty shitty area that no cracker would ever deliberately live near by, unless you're a hipster millennial. What is the draw here? Why is it so popular? There is no fucking way this food is that good... You know what they say about the cat... Curiosity made the pouch fat.
Let's go see what all the fuss is about... Do I need to get really fucking drunk before hand? Sounds like I should... Ok, maybe afterwards.

Double Burger Combo, chicken nuggets, fries.You would think a combo for $4.99 would be the way to go to sample a bit of their stuff... Look at what came out from behind the curtain. Let's just say there ain't no wizard of cooking back there. Is this a fucking joke? I've seen week old Happy Meals that looked more appetizing and they give you a toy also. 3 dried out pink slim nuggets, shit doesn't even come with a sauce. I guess ketchup is for everything here. The fries woulda been good if they were freshly fried, these have been sitting under a heat lamp on low for hours... Limp and dried out like the Joneses in apartment 15 at the Sunrise senior citizen home. The burger looked like a three-toed sloth made it. The bun was all wrinkled and looked like it was sitting under a brick. The lettuce looked like it was torn apart a la Mr. Hand to Spicoli's school schedule. The leaky mustard and ketchup underneath the bun looked like it was hand painted on. The crusty overcooked double patties inside reminded me of two gorgeous thinly shaved black truffles... Too bad, even a pig wouldn't shove his snout into this. This burger was worst than any shitty back yard  BBQ I have ever had. It was so plain, bland and boring.

Double Burger Combo, bacon wrap, onion rings. Ok, we already know how bad the double burga was... But what's this? A bacon wrap? It was basically a low rent burrito. Gummy flour tortilla filled with bacon strips and chopped up bits. There's something interesting about this until you put it in your mouth. It's just goddamn terrifying. If you closed your eyes and took a bite, you would think you're eating a gummi bear with pop rocks inside a hand towel. The mushy feel with grainy bits of texture and the aromatic essence of clorox makes you want to gag instantly. It's such an ugly display that it shouldn't even be called a Mexican't wrap... Let's just call it a Carlos Danger because you don't want that wang anywhere near your mouth. The onion rings in the lowest form of flattery were prolly the most edible part of this dirty box.

After sampling these morsels, my conclusion is... You gotta be real fucking drunk or have the palate of a billy goat to eat here and keep it down. Why do people love this slop? I have no friggin clue... Maybe because it's cheap and when you're drunk at midnight you just don't give a fuck what you put in your mouth except that it's cheap filler since you spent all your loot on booze and blow... Or maybe this slop reminds them of when they were kids, eating junky fast food that satisfied their childhood cravings and memories of innocence and not ever gaining weight eating shit like this... After all, we are all still kids at heart but just in saggy fat bags.

Flush.

Ok... I also had the limited edition watermelon milkshake which was pretty decent with chunks of actual watermelon. The sweet tea was ultra sweet, pee in it to pH balance that bitch.

Another courtesy flush.

Locations found in shitty areas.

Noble Fin

Now, since 4th & Swift in midtown has shuttered after 8 years supposedly due to all the pedestrian food halls and the new Buckhead in Inman Park/Quarters... The only place now to sample their cooking is at their new joint in way the fuck upstate GA. I would prolly never come up here if I didn't have to but since my office is in the hayseeds of Norcross, I might as well take the opportunity to sample a few dishes at the weirdly placed location... The same exact spot that I watched a Dreamland BBQ burn down to fucking ashes. Dude, have you not seen Poltergeist... Don't fucking build on top of dead half-assed smoked/BBQ'd meats. If I see a clown sitting in the corner in here, I'm gonna shit my phantom underpants since I don't wear any. And make sure the cable box is turned on before you turn on the TV itself... A white fuzzy static screen is not cool when you're trying to eat a rare steak at the bar, I don't want that shit to be crawling across the top to the MILF sitting next to me, you will fuck up my chances of a proper BJ in the back seat of my Jeep... And some pink cookies in a plastic bag she just made fresh for her kids... Which I'm gonna crush later.
So, this joint has been receiving some decent reviews from the local yokels and mossbacks up here. Since, no one from ITP will ever venture out this far to give a glimpse of the offerings, I guess I will have to do it... Because I don't trust anyone's taste, not even mine... But what the pouch does have are a very particular set of skills, skills it has acquired over a very long feeding career... What those skills are still yet to be determined. So, let's take a first bite on this newest outpost in upstate Georgia. There better not be any banjos playing up in this piece or else my piece is coming out blasting.

Maine Lobster Roll,  celery leaves, lemon pepper chips. For $19, I don't know if it's pricey or not for the hinterlands... You just don't see much seafood up this way but if there's a lob roll on the menu this plump lil dumpling will order it. Look at it, it doesn't look half-ass bad... Just stop it with the celery leaves in there. Keep it simple and dressed accordingly. The bun itself was pretty damn good, buttered and toasted correctly all the way around. The lob filler was dressed a tad too much and contained more claw meat than tail. Take out some of the celery leaves and it looks a lot more appetizing. The lobster meat was tender and sweet, so it really didn't need all that dressing to begin with. The slight buttery crunch of the top split bun was perfect with the decent size lobster chunks. The fingerling tater chips were really good. Overall, this was a very very decent version of a "Maine" lob roll... Was it worth $19? I would say yes but with the added cost of driving all the way up here, it really turns out to be a $25 lob roll... But it comes with tasty chips, though.

Maine Diver Scallop "BLT", pork belly, green goddess aioli, arugula, spiced tomato jam, toast. Reading the menu description really throws you off after you visually see it in person... The letters "BLT" makes you think you will be eating it with your hands like a sando... But this was more a fork and knife kinda dish. The scallops were good and seared properly, golden brown unlike most places that are basically black and chewy. The green goddess aioli tasted like nothing if you closed your eyes, the spiced mato jam was pretty decent. The frozen hash brown triangle toast looked pretty good but it was way too greasy and left a film in your mouth. It's a decent appetizer.

Beef Tartar, brioche toast, watercress mayo, baby romaine. Those greasy hash brown toast again! Seriously, who eats tartare with thick ass pieces of greasy toast like that... But if they were half the thickness it would work. The tartare itself was very good, a very nice brunoise size dice of quality raw meat. The baby romaine was basically the center pieces of a normal size romaine... Which was used more as a colorful plate filler. Use the chips from the lob roll for the tartare, that pair up nicely with the perfect sized bite.

Rigatoni with Clam, dolin blanc, calabria chili, guanciale, oregano. This sounded great on paper with all the "foodie" buzzwords... And for the most party it was but it was also a bit sloppy. Some of the clams were a bit gritty but nothing too over the top where it distracted you away from the overall dish. I liked it but with a bit more tweaking and attention to details I woulda liked it a lot more. It's a good start, it has good bones to build upon... But not in a swimming pool. Shit, right back to the Poltergeist references.

There's no doubt what demographic they are trying to cater towards here in this area... One look at the apparel coming in through the door should tell ya. Well off, gaudy, segregated white people driving fancy cars who talk the bullshit talk while ordering a white Zin... I mean none of these old ass manscaped fuckers ordered a real man's drink... Whiskey, bourbon, rye, take your pick, I won't even make fun of you if you got vodka. They got a decent whiskey program for a new joint, not extensive but better than average... But they don't know how to fucking price out the labels. Why is a Whistle Pig the same price as a Bulleit... None of the pricing made sense, I was totally baffled. If I'm paying the same price of a Willett for a Jim Beam, why the fuck would I drink that shit... Oh, wait, maybe I'm paying up for the Suntory name now but yet they don't carry any Japanese whisky. Besides, the tomfoolery at the bar, the place is pretty nice as well with the staff but they need a lot more training. They also need to print out a liquor menu because none of the bartenders know what the price is, they had to log in every time into the POS and look it up. The menu itself is promising with a little more work on execution and plating, it's more than adventurous enough for the palate in this area. People coming here ain't looking to expand their taste, they're looking for familiarity and maybe a little more just to pretend that they're intown. I like the place and it will do well in this area but I don't know if this will be a destination for me... Maybe if someone was expensing it.. Then drink all the Beam-Suntory swill as you please! And order 4 lobster rolls...

5260 Peachtree Parkway
Peachtree Corners, GA 30092
http://www.noblefinrestaurant.com/