I haven't been eating a lot of full meals lately... Just a bunch of different bites here and there while I get my booze on. I have been trying to slim down with a liquid diet... Yeah, I know that's a fucking joke but I can try to Jedi mind trick myself into thinking that I look like Daisy Ridley with her sexy tweenish figure. But we all know I'm just as Unkar bloated as that slob, John Boyega. I had one too many portions of them survival rations of bread. I'm sick of instant bread rations... It's time for the pouch awakens...
Fontaine's.
Soft Shell Crab Po'Boy, andouille sausage. The only thing I eat at Fontaine's has always been the oysters... And only at the oyster bar where I can watch them shuck it right there. I don't trust shucked oysters sitting in a cooler waiting to be served. Their regular menu has pretty much sucked ass throughout time but on a recent Sunday, they had a soft shell crab po'boy... Oh, fuck, how can I pass that up. And here it is in all it's glory... And it didn't looked half bad. How can this be? You can actually tell it's a crab... Or a tarantula. Oh, fuck, I'maa skeered. Tucked that fried chestbuster alien inside the roll and took a bite... Shit, it wasn't half bad tasting. It was pretty good actually. The only thing wrong with this was that it was initially $10, then it mysteriously went up to $11.99 after I said it was good. Go figure... I hope that alien creasture pops back out through the proper hole.
Torched Hop.
Stopped by to see what the fuss was about. The space is quite large and grand. The artificial bocce ball field is dumb and who plays bocce anymore... I liked the space a lot but I don't know if the smallish bar can handle the volume when it's fully packed. The bartenders were flustered with only a handful of customers on this visit... And don't ever say that you're from NYC if you only lived there for 6 months, just a tip. Just like Hillary Clinton is not a fucking NY'er and never will be no matter how many mansions she buys in upstate NY, that hooker doesn't even live in NYC. I had a few of their beers and they were pretty decent until this creasture appeared... For $5, I expected freshly made chicharrones that are popping, crackling and blistering hot... Instead, I got this self serve grade school lunch bag of cold pork rinds that were somewhere in between crunchy and soggy... With a bottle of crappy hot sauce on the side. Thanks for nuthin'.
The Imperial.
Burger Week... The Damn Gouda Burger for $5. The burger and fries with a beer for $7.50 is a damn better dealio. ATL Burger Week lasts til April 23 and the list of places doing the $5 burger are wide and plenty.
Kimball House.
That's a shitload of tasty oysters, bro... I don't think I need to tell my one reader how much I loved their oyster program... Sick.
Hawaiian Roll. It's a cute play on the awesome Hawaiian Rolls you get at your local grocer but only for twice as much. It's worth trying once.
And for dessert... More fucking dericious oysters.
And mo' dreee-anks... Can't say no to the spot-on execution of cocktails in this joint. Had at least 5 cocks go down my throat on this visit.
Iron Age.
AYCE motherfuckkin manmeats. This is my favorite dump for Corean BBQ for now... The meat selection is not the best quality but it's more than pretty good... The real draw is the fucking ridiculously FOBBY scene here. For $23, you just can't beat that deal anywhere for unlimited meat sweats and K-Pop videos.
AYCD motherfukkin' brewskis... Well, not really all you can drink but this fat fuck can dream can't he... $18 for a Saporo tower, not bad considering it's all the motherfukkin' you can eat man meats up in this piece. Go with a group and it is motherfucking show time.
Mac Lab.
Stop by here after your meat sweats and self induced meat coma for some of the better Macarons found in the metro Atlanta area... The Lychee one is really good.
Biltong Bar.
This is my usual protocol when visiting a joint for the first time... A beer and shot of whiskey to get the pouch lubricant flowing. The Jailhouse Slammer Wheat and a pour of Wathens was a damn good choice.
Biltong Sampler Board... It's a good way to sample all the jerky on this sizzle chest board. Surprisingly, they do not make the biltong themselves, it's outsourced by a local tough guy... I think his name is Frank, who? Frank Rizzo... Open up yer ears, jackass. I would come back to sample the meat pies and their other shit.
Twain's.
Smoked Beet Burger. What? You ok? Why the fuck are you eating a veggie burger, pouch? You bump your head on a cement truck? No, no... I'm trying to reduce my intake of manmeat on the weekdays. Believe it or not, Twain's food ain't that good but this friggin veggie beet burger was actually pretty decent. The sweet tater chips were hard and old tasting like your grandpa's week old dingleberries in his underpants.
Wings. Naked with hot sauce and sweet garlic for an extra buck or something like that a cheap motherfucker resto would do. It's a tiny tub of sauce, you can afford to give a little out per order. Wait, this was a double order, that sauce shoulda came with it fo' fwee... The pouch gets fucked again! And I haven't even tried a damn wing yet...
These looked sad as fuck even if it was dark as an ass sphincter in here on this visit. They're a bit over fried, dry and chewy. I drown them in the hot sauce just to lube them up a lil and no, the hot sauce wasn't hot and spicy but the sweet garlic was even worse. It was a struggle to put these down my gullet. Like I said, the food ain't that good, just stick to the booze and freak watching and you will be alright.
It's so depressing looking back on my diet on a daily basis... That's why I left out 3 more places on this post. I didn't want to make my life appear even more pathetic than it is already... I have to keep the mystery alive for my one fan. I only have one mode and that is the Obeast mode... Drink, eat, rub one out, repeat. Stay tuned for more stupid ass shit that I shove down my glory hole... Or as I call it now, my honey hole.
Squirt.
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