BK Angriest Whopper

This sinister spawn of Satan has escaped the depths of Hades to cause bloody hell above... Oh, there will be blood from this angry demon. But there will be more than this burger that will be angry by the time the pouch is done with this specimen... The first thing that got me angry already was the price of this fiend. This burger was almost $6 alone, yeah, just for the friggin burger itself because they said it was special... Like Corky? Mind you this is a fucking Whopper from Burger King, it's not exactly made with the finesse of a gourmet burger at the hands of a renown chef with Michelin stars.
Jesus Christ, can you tell me why I keep doing stupid shit like this over and over, again... But it looks like the ultimate triple dog dare, doesn't it... Fuck it, you only live once...

Looks kinda impressive and menacing, huh? It's so plump looking and those flames and the fiery red bun is making my sphincter contract uncontrollably as we speak... Like the blowhole on a porpoise that is on crack cocaine. Jesus, I better get the Vaseline and Shamwow ready just in case of an anal flare up.

I'm sooo skeered... Look at that grease stain penetrating out of the bag on the left... Speaking of which something more than grease will be penetrating my... Nevermind. The wrapper was thick not like an ordinary Whopper wrapper, now I know why it was so expensive, 25 cents went to the cost of this fucking wax/paper. The weight and size of this thing was respectable. It had volume to it.

Ta-da! In all it's glory.... Phizzzzz, that's the sound of air coming out of a bicycle tire. It's not that glorious. That reddish/orangey bun is kinda creepy looking. They should have released this on Halloween. Structurally, it's pretty sound. It's layered nicely and not all smooshed like a regular Whopper that you get depressed about when you take it out of the bag. The bun looked plump and it also looked nefarious. I am totally in awe... Literally, there was fear and wonderment in my eyeballs on this creasture.

Took the hat off to inspect the innards... Looked ok, I guess. It's made by some schmuck that gets paid more than me... I want my 15 dollars!...But $6 will do.

I cut it in half to examine the side view and layers... It's quite disturbing isn't it? That Play-Doh like bun with a color that is not even found on the rainbow spectrum is making me even more cautious on how I should attack this savage. Fuck it, just eat the goddamn thing and tell us how shitty it was...

Here is the mise en place-  
"The Angriest WHOPPER^® sandwich consists of savory flame-grilled beef, piled high with thick-cut bacon, American cheese, iceberg lettuce, tomatoes, angry onion petals, jalapeños, creamy mayonnaise and spicy angry sauce all layered between a red bun that has hot sauced baked in."
What the fuck is an angry onion petal? Oh, I thought those were left over fries from the fry basket that got dumped on there by mistake. This has got to be the dumbest sando I have ever seen and I'm the dumbest retard to even write about it... We all know it will suck ass, it's like writing about how my shit will smell like a week old roadkill after eating a gallon of venison chili with extra beans... We all know this, pouch! Can I drag this out longer... Fuck, I really don't want to eat this... But I paid $6 for it, I have to.
The bun is just really frightening, it doesn't taste like it had any hot sauce baked into it... Maybe it was hot sauce color dye sans cayenne pepper. It has a weird texture, it's mushy like Play-Doh... I wonder if I can shape it into a dildo and make it spit out sesame seeds. The lettuce was just a train wreck, no where near the crisp green leaves you see on the PR pic, they were just thick pale rib pieces, no leaves. The tomatoes were actually real tomato slices, nice, the money I spent is paying off! The bacon were not thick cut but they were present and you could actually taste it. The angry onion petals were all breading, the onion inside disintegrated once it hit the fryer. The slices of jalapenos gave it a small kick but no where near the spicy level it claims. The spicy angry sauce looked like freshly squeezed pus from a hatchet wound... It was like this watery Dijon honey yellow sauce, so nasty. The flame grilled beef patty is so fucking thin, no way there was enough time to get that char and smoke on it from the propane flame... It tasted like nothing, unseasoned and mealy. It coulda been shredded up cardboard soaked in raccoon dog piss for days and formed into a burger patty... I wouldn't know the difference under all that vile shit in there. But I kept eating it... Partly because I'm a disgusting fat slob that can't stop eating if there's food in front of my snout and the other part is that I paid $6 for this fucking thing... Like a good member of the tribe, I needed to get my money's worth.... And it wasn't worth it. Just don't do it. I sacrificed the pouch and if I could just save one pathetic soul from eating this, I have done my job with this stupid ass blog...
I'm fucking angry at this burger and myself, I need a fucking vacation... And a case of Quilted Northern Ultra Plush, I see the need for multiple rolls of triple ply in my near future. It's got Plush-Quilts, it has what assholes crave!