SOS Pouch

Sometimes it seems like my whole life has been a total shipwreck and stranded on an island surrounded by bad food and a crew of misfit cooks... I just can't seem to find a way to get off this crusty rock. Maybe it's because I'm just a fat fuck like the Skipper that will never get skinnier eating coconuts for years... We all know fat people can't swim, we just bob. I'm like a bloated whale that children want to push back in to the water. Eh, fuck it, let's just see what the pouch has been squirreling away this week. Because winter is coming...

SOS Tiki Bar.

Mai Tai. Flame on... This new tiki bar is all about the show. Dimly lit and fire effects is the gimmick here... And I liked it. We need gaudy, silly, tchotchke joints like this... Makes you feel like a kid again but with adult beverages. The classic tiki drink didn't disappoint... They go down real easy but they'll knock you the fuck out later on if you don't watch how many you have.

Pina Colada. Frozen slushie drink, it's their version of the Jack & Coke slushie at Victory. This version wasn't half bad from the machine... But I would get the bartender made drinks first. You can have this for dessert.

Rough N Rowdy. It was either this or the fruity drink that looks like Ian... Since, I like it rough, I had to see what kinda spanking I would get from this... Only small spanks from this drink. They had a couple of really cool tiki mugs that I wanted in my collection but unlike Bookhouse tiki night, you can't keep the glass here.

Fried Coconut Shrimp. For $13, I expected Bahama Breeze style coco-skrimpz... Not that their coconut shrimp are really that good. I don't get why people are so fascinated with this low rent dish. It is such an Americanized dish that tries so hard to convince people that it's exotic... Ok, maybe when they ate it on the Brady Bunch Hawaii special it was exotic. But fast forward to now and these were just plain boring. It needed seasoning, the coconut crust thinger fell apart a bit too easily and the pineapple sauce was weak. I shoulda had another tiki drink instead of this... Speaking of which, the drinks go down fast and smooth but they kick in later on and you're buzzing like an alarm clock at 6AM. Now, that's good medicine.


Waffle House.

All Star Special, pecan waffles, raisin toast, bacon, scrambled eggs w/cheese, hashbrowns. If Anthony Bourdain claims "it's better than the French Laundry", then it's good enough for da pouch. Ok, maybe it's not better than the Fronch Laundry but this is the best hangover grub ever invented. It's actually not as greasy as one would think, even while I watch the line cook pour ladleful of oil/clarified butter into the well worn and warped saute pans. The eggs are fluffy, bacon crisp, hashbrowns golden brown, raisin toast raisiny and the waffle pecany... What's there not to like about this feast. Take your medicine and like it.

Smothered and Chunked. I love you, Chunk... This is like my morning after pill after a night of heavy boozing. Plus, I  can't say no to more of their dericious hashbrowns.


Taco Mac.

3-Mile Island. I have not had this flavor in years because I don't come here much, almost never. Be smart and always get them naked with sauce on the side... That way it stays crispy and you don't taint the batch. If the sauce sucked ass then I'm screwed with the rest of the wings. The 3-Mile is barely spicy, it tingles and tickles the tongue like how you would work a virgin downtown. It's pretty weak and it peaks quickly. The wings are decent size and pretty crispy but they are pretty much flavorless. No wonder why I don't come back here. The service usually sucks a giant donkey dick, too. Yep, nothing has changed.

Lemon Pepper. This fucking flavor got me again. I am such a gym tan laundry douche-bag sucka for this salty mess of a flavor. It's usually never peppery enough, just all salt. But this version was neither. Maybe that was a blessing in disguise, I rather eat plain wings than some fucked up chemical lemon/pepper blend on my GMO cheekan wangz. These wings are boring. The fucking chopping broccoli had more flavor. Give me a shot of whiskey and pint of beer, now... or 10 minzies later. No worries, I'm on your schedule, sweet tits. Service still sucking after this dismal display.


Sweet Hut.

Black Pig. This damn black bun has gone through so many different reincarnations. Now, they're like a puffy square bun with a big cavity inside with minimal bacon/ham filling. It's just ok now, not like how it used to be. I guess quality always goes down a bit due to increased volume when you open more stores. I'm pretty much over this commercialized dump.


Saigon Tofu.

Banh Mi. This new Vietnamese mini-mart next to the new City Farmers Market has a bunch of food to go items as well as silken tofu and made to order banh mi's. This one is the classic grilled pork which looks nicely stuffed... But the grilled BBQ pork were chopped up bits of pinkish pork. No grill, no char, no sweet exterior on the pork like a well executed banh mi. Even the do chua (pickled carrots & daikon) were weak. For $3, I expected Quoc Huong quality in this new Viet joint. Their crispy eggrolls were pretty good, though.


Time to go create an island of my own in the bathroom... Splash.