Smoke Ring

Anyone remember that bottom of the dumpster slop that was served here when B. Beatty Bakery occupied this space? I think this is one of them cursed locations no matter how much money you throw at it. Look at Elliot Street Pub, that place is the size of a portable toilet but yet it packs them in. Something is rotten in the state of Castleberry. Let's hope a concept makeover will do this space some justice because who doesn't want more BBQ in town? 

Smoked Chicken Wings, White BBQ Sauce. I couldn't tell if it was smoked and then deep fried or vice versa or baked with Liquid Smoke, it was that ambiguous. They looked more like window display food. The skin was barely kissed with smoke, it had that semi lacquered texture to it and the meat was dry. They came out within a matter of seconds, so obviously, they were being held under a heat lamp or warm box. We all know how food tastes when it's been sitting for long periods of time. The white BBQ sauce on plate was supposedly the same as the white sauce on the table but it was "seasoned" more than the table one and tasted totally different.   

Old Fashioned. Tray ice cubes, giant slice of orange, 3 chernobyl cherries. I knew I shoulda stuck with a beer when the bartenders whom seemed like they were just hired from the beer tub station at 5 Paces Inn. This was awful, I mean it tasted like a Sex on the Beach. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Spicy Pork Rinds. These were so bad that it made me crave the one's in the bag for fiddy cent at the corner gas station. Hard, shriveled, dried out and bland... I had tree bark with more flavor. Half of them were unedible. Who makes pork rinds days in advance and try to pass it off like it's fresh, especially, coming from a "BBQ" joint. Have they no shame, this is one snack that all BBQ joints should excel. Bookhouse's amazing chicharrones make these look like Home Ec 101.

Bacon Wrapped Kobe Beef Hotdog. Asked the server where these kobe beef dogs were sourced from... She said, "Japan". I almost fell off my stool. I said, "Are you fucking with me?". "No, they are from Japan." You know what, nevermind, I'm not going to argue about getting a $8 Japanese Kobe beef dog. But as we all know, there is no way this was from Japan. Hint, first bite into the dog, you can see the rings within like a tree and it's a tell-tale sign the layering was factory made... In some second rate slaughter house in New Jersey can be my only guess. The almighty bacon which can even make a cow muffin taste good, eerily failed to introduce fat and flavor. Look closely and you can see the wrinkles on the wiener... No, it's not Ron Jeremy, but it's like an old man's schlong for sure like it's been sitting under the sun at a nudist camp. We all know how hot dogs wrinkle up at a cookout when it's been sitting around because no one wants the half burnt ones. If they're trying to pretend this was smoked, I don't know what to say. Even the bun seemed like it's been sitting around. There's a difference between a freshly toasted bun and one that has been hours ago.

Brisket and Pulled Pork Combo, Brunswick Stew, 3 Cheese Mac, Cornbread. Don't fucking get me started... Ok, I'll start anyways. The brunswick stew was so watery and soupy, it was more tomatoes than brunswick... Did I get a gazpacho instead? A couple of squirts of their whatever red BBQ sauce helped a little but this ain't no brunswick stew, it's tomato soup with kibbles in it. The mac was singed like a crispy critter in a "fire in the hole" kinda way... The char works better on a Napoletana 'Za, but once you peel off that burnt shit layer, the mac was pretty decent. The brisket was sliced, a big plus, too bad it was dry, flavorless and barkless. The pink smoke ring was all the evidence you needed. It was so thin it looked like they drew it on with a pink Sharpie. The pulled pork looked like they stuck a M80 in the pork butt and lit the fuse. Dry, crunchy and dry. Once again, everything was presliced, prechopped and sitting out for extended periods of time. The cornbread thinger was like an hour glass, one touch with the fork it bled out like the sands of time. No bueno.

Crispy Brussel Sprouts, Maple Syrup. A bit under cooked and the watery maple syrup just puddled at the bottom of the bowl. It's ok, I guess.. It's brussel sprouts afterall. And sadly, this was the best dish of the night.

After hoping for another go to BBQ joint option intown, I am still left with only a handful of real BBQ options... And that handful belongs on a three-toed sloth. You know what they say about first impressions... They're usually the last, too. I tried to give a hobo who was lingering around the front door looking for money or what not my doggie box stuffed with leftovers but even he wasn't having it... He was like, Whatchu got in there first? I was like, Dude, you wanna Kobe beef hot dog? He said, Where is it from? I said, Japan! Sold! He took the whole box of scraps.
I do feel bad for them because after pouring a bunch of money into making it a very lovely interior space, the location's curse is still alive and well. Maybe it's time to get Phil Robertson to perform an exorcism, I heard he's in good with the big man... Not literally in the big man but you know what I'm saying. I hope they do turn it around and stop taking shortcuts because I don't want another Linda Blair evacuation experience.


309 Nelson St SW
Atlanta, GA 30313
404-228-6377
http://www.smokeringatlanta.com/ 

Southern Art & Bourbon Bar Revisit

With the word "bourbon" in the name, you would think I'd be here on a nightly basis... I would totally be but Buckhead is not in my regular rotation, since never. But I do get around here sometimes if out of state pals are in town or some other forces of nature that compels me like snow in this town. In this case, the pouch overridden my normal state of mind and commanded me to nosh here with a bunch of friends.

Assorted Charcuterie. Take your stinking paws off the ham, you damn dirty ape! You're ruining my shot... The plank of goodies was gone when that shit literally hit the table. Manners people, manners... Porn first, snout stuffing second.

Sweet Corn Spoonbread. A bit dry and brittle, it turned to sand once you spoon it on to your plate. Ask for a straw and a razor blade... Snorting it is better than making a fool of yourself trying lick your plate.

 Scalloped Sweet Potatoes. Greasy, fatty and tasty.

 

Tanglewood Farms Chicken Wings. Benne seed, southernyaki sauce, scallions. Decent wangz but a bit too sweet from that southeryaki or whatever it is jizz. Fuck the sweet, bring on the heat! That dumb charred lemon does nothing flavor wise, it even looks stupid... Like skid marks on your underpants. Yeah, I know you has them, I can smell it.

Wild Caught GA Shrimp & Grits, housemade andouille, okra, hominy, field peas, tomato, shrimp scallion broth. Pretty decent shrimp & grits, after awhile, every S&G plate around town start to taste the same to me...

Bourbon Glazed Pork Shank, braised collard greens, bourbon jus. Motherfucking Flintstones back up in this piece. This is a deadly weapon, heard the commie-liberals are working on legislature to ban this... For the children. They will confiscate it and keep it safe... In their pouch.

Braised Beef Short Ribs, creamed swiss chard, braised root vegetables. Looks like someone braised a brick. It was the size of one, who the fuck can eat this much fork tender and flacid man meat? ....Oh, me me me me... Oh, shut up, pouchito.
 

Buttermilk Fried Chicken, whipped potatoes, garlic green beans, red pepper gravy. Wait, fuck the gravy. All it does is make my shit soggy like elbow skin on a hag's face. I like my cheekan hot, greasy, juicy, crispy and crackling. It's a good fried chicken... Damn, it better be for this price point. I could get about 26 1/2 pieces and a retarded wing of amazing Popeyes for the same price. Can you feel me?

12 Layer Red Velvet Cake. I hope that white shit is iberico fat. Nope, just 12 layers of cream cheese frosting. It wasn't as good as my last visit a few months ago. It looked sloppy and amateurish this time. Thank baby Jesus, I didn't order this... One bite and I had enough like stanky poontang.

It's still a decent resto, the food is above average, it's an expense account/ take your out of town fwends/ family kinda of joint. The ham selections are rather decent and tasty. The bourbon bar is just a side show but I like booze so I'm happy.


3315 Peachtree Rd NE
Atlanta, GA 30326
404) 946-9070
http://southernart.com/  

Honey Bits

Another playa in the Asian hipster bakery space... The name Honey Bits reminds me too much of lady bits. Both are edible but yet total opposites. For one, they may look similar and stuffed with assorted ethnic meats... If they sit around for too long they start to smell and shrivel up. You know what, on second thought, nevermind, they are the same. Why am I writing about this place again? I forget. Ok, it's basically a total ripoff of Sweet Hut but without the ridiculously long lines.

Assorted Buns. Some look like evacuating bungholes, some look like flappy stretched out gashes, some look like stuffed camel toes and some look like a Hannukah chocolate gold coin. I still like the one that looks like an Asian hamburger complete with a slice of ham, lettuce, tomato, cheese and fried egg (egg was like those fake plastic food replicas you put in the window, yum). The buns were all just average, some had no taste to it even with all the crap they put on top of it.

Macarons. They looked great sitting in the temperature controlled glass case. But they tasted totally different in your mouth. They were way too moist in the middle, almost to the point of being gummy. Wait, they were gummy. The assorted fruit flavors tasted of nothing hanging off a tree or from a bush.

Salt & Pepper Chicken Nuggets. Over fried, bland, hacked up tiny pieces... It's no Quickly.

Lemon Pepper Honey Wings. Decent lemon flavor, watered down honey dripping right off them wangz. Not awful but needs adjustments. Once again, it's no Quickly.


It's not bad (if Sweet Hut or Quickly is too packed) to grab a bubble tea and a few select buns to go. The milk tea was actually pretty damn good. Just work on the other things. They got free Wi-fi at least.


5231 Buford Hwy
Doraville, GA 30340
(770) 455-6867

Pouchito Treats

The pouch is like a pet. It's a big responsibility. I have to clothe it, pet it, walk it, snuggle it and most importantly, feed it. That's the best part of having a pouch for a pet. So, I like to surprise it with treats like my dog from time to time. It gets all giddy like a schoolgirl. It is sooo precious. I would Instagram it if I could find a way to swallow my camera... But it takes like a day or two to pass it, by then the moment is over. But what I can do is take pictures of the treats before pouchito snarfs up the vittles within seconds. 

Campagnolo.

Smoked Tomato Bisque. Basil creme. Velvety and a bit smokey. Not a bad bowl.

Campagnolo Burger. Mortadella, pepperoni, provolone, pickled onion, garlic bread bun, 420 battered onion rings. Ok, y'all know how I dislike giant onion rings... While they were crispy on the outside, once you cut into them they were all grease. When will restos realize they are just not good and stop making these useless giant onion rings. Go with normal sizes that you can actually bite into and not full of grease. The burger looked decent, nice dome on the bun but it was just not jiving with me on these dime a dozen signature burgers. It just had too many opposing flavors, the pickled onion may had been the culprit.

Brussel Sprouts Panini. Spicy anchovy aioli, fontina, prosciutto. This was a pretty tasty panini, it had pressed grilled marks but I don't think it was plugged in because it had no evidence of any browning on the bread. What a trip... Am I dreaming?


Octopus Bar.

Ramen with Dirty Broth. After eating a dozen dishes at Gunshow, the pouch was still empty. The only way to fill it up was with some noodle soup. The noodles were about average and the dirty broth was kinda interesting. A little spicy at best but the other ingredients made up for it. A very decent attempt on a playful ramen bowl, don't expect anything less from this joint.

Kimchi Chicken Rice Bowl. The chicken was pretty awesome, crispy thin skin and the meat itself had this perfect bite and texture to it. The kimchi was more decorative than a headliner. A nice little rice bowl for them late night cravings.

Salt & Pepper Shrimp. Still a very good dish even if they have downsized the portion but not the price. People who orders this and doesn't eat the heads will be laughed at and escorted out.


Kimball House.

Oysters. Get there on weekdays and you can get almost all of the oysters for half price or less. The best selection of oysters in Atlanta, no contest. Check it: Mermaid Cove, Gigamoto, Blue Pool, Hama Hama, Block B, Sunset Beach, Naked Cowboy, Hollywood, Rappahannock, Barcat, Rocky Nook, Moonstone. Damn good, yo.

Cheese Sticks. It's cute but it's not all that's cracked up to be like everyone says. A gimmick to try once and then stick with the oysters and the rest of the menu. Maybe I just don't get what all the fuss is about with these things.

Chorizo. I liked the poached egg but the rest of the dish seemed thrown together without much thought. I still ate it all, I don't like to waste food... If you could believe that bullshit.


Paper Plane.

Clams. A tad bit salty but does it matter when you have a properly made cocktail in your hand..


Villians.

Hans Gruber. Crispy pork schnitzel hero was over fried and chewy, thrown together haphazardly and the Hail Nero kale salad was missing a few ingredients. Ver are my detonators? 

Nick The Pig. This Cuban sando had the elements of a real Cubano but the execution failed. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't a Cuban either, bread was not pressed enough and the construction of it was sloppy. The fried chicken livers were good but not Colonnade great, though.

Random Task. Not very spicy, a little too sweet but still decent wings. Price to portion ratio wasn't any added value. Not rushing to get these again, though.


1 Kept.

Monkfish. Cooked spot on for the monkyfish but the semi tomato concasse was a little too much compared to the portion of the fish. A little starch in this dish would have balanced it out better.

Venison. Who knew they would have Bambi here... Me rikey. The venison and demi glace was spot on, the fried spaetzle was just ok, but it was a good vehicle to soak up the meat juice.

Waygu. It ain't from Japan but it was damn tasty overall. Only jab is that they plated this like that awful steak frites I had at Buckhead Bottle Bar in the days of yore, the limp fries on top of the thin meatflap... Oh, that dump was the worst, I might have to Yelp about it. But no worries here, I just shoo'd the fwies off to the side and we were in business. Meat is good.


Bookhouse.

Chicharrones. Came out crackling and poppin' hot. For $5, this is a very generous portion of some damn awesome fried pig skin. Airy, crispy and melts in your mouth on contact... Fuck M&M's. Ok, maybe not the peanut ones.


Escorpión.

Pork Tamale. A very decent tamale for an intown swanky-ish joint. Pork was flavorful and they use a decent masa harina which was pretty spot on in texture and moisture.

Empanada De Pollo. I thought it was dessert for a second with all that crap on top. But underneath that mess was a tiny empanada. Not much flavor but it was edible.


Hong Kong Harbor.

Beef Belly Wonton Noodle Soup. This is one of the best dishes on the menu. No one ever orders it but if you're in the know, you'll be in for a treat. The belly is super tender, the tendons are massive chunks, wontons are porky and shrimpy, the noodles are springy and the broth is crazy flavorful. So damn good.

Beef Chowfun. For intown convenience, you won't lack any good chowfun. It's always pretty decent and consistent here.

String Beans with Garlic and Pork Bits. Needed more garlic but this is always a great dish.

Spicy Braised Wings. Fat, juicy, semi-spicy, sweet, crispy wings... It brings back memories when I was living on Boulevard. Just needs an order of skrimp flied lice to soak up all that HFCS brown sauce.


Mama Niki's.

Mama's Veggie 'Za and Gyro. I was lazy and feeling like a fat girl so I got the veggie pie... Like that was gonna matter. I had 2 slices of this very mediocre and college-y tasting pizza and felt like I was eating healthy until I inhaled that gyro up in the right hand corner... I became a fat girl, again. No boys will ever ask me out, again. Boo, pass the other half.

Popeyes.

When the pouchito is a good boy, it deserves a very special treat... Nothing says I love you than a box of Pops with a handful of Cajun Sparkle ghetto umami. Is it bad to eat 10 pieces within 15 minzies? I don't think so, I call that a healthy appetite. (10 piece special for $9.99 til the end of the year. Get you some!)

You can sprinkle that sparkle on anything... Even on cuy al horno. That sparkle is like crackle.


Until next time... Sientate Pouchito, sientate. Squirt.

Gunshow

Oh, shit... Y'all knew this was coming sooner or later. I just like to build up the suspense for my one reader.

I cringe like nails on a chalkboard every time I hear the words "dim sum" spoken around this joint. Is the staff really trained to say and use the words dim sum constantly? The menu is as dim sum as a NYC dirty water dog cart is tapas. There is nothing dim sum about the place, not one Asian ingredient in the kitchen except a staff's package of Korean Hong Ramyun noodle soup with soy peptide on the rack off to the side. Why use the term dim sum at a Southern resto? This baffles and annoys me since the menu here is really more tapas based on the portion, ingredients and techniques used. But whatever, I'm game to see what they're doing here after a few months of pitching dim sum to the gullible masses.

Pork Skin Risotto. Crumbling some pork rind bits on top does not make it a pork skin risotto but this was a very savory dish. A bit salty. Make that damn salty but what the hell, it was still a nice little dish. Keyword: little. Meaning fat people will not be amused or satisfied. 

Shrimp & Grits, roasted garlic, chorizo. I have had so many different versions of goddamn shrimp & grits all over the place, they're starting to taste all the same. This was a tasty sample but it doesn't really stand out. I forgot about this already until I saw the pic I took.

Vegetarian Chili. It may be vegetarian on some weird level but it's definitely not chili. It's seasoned mushrooms with a dollop of sour cream. While it was totally edible, I'm still scratching my sack on how this was called a chili.

Turkey Mole. Cute but the mole needed more kick. Turkey and corn tortilla weren't all that. I don't remember how it tasted because it really didn't have any taste to it.

Tunnbrodrulle. Swedish Delight. Is this a frankfurter gyro? I don't care, I'm eating it just because it has a weird name. The skin flute was good but the rest of the mess was kinda bland. I just don't get it, I guess.

Carolina Flounder Chowder. Not really a chowder but not a bad dish. Flounder cooked spot on, the "chowder" needed more chowder. Not too shabby, though.

Pasta Promenade. It's hard to screw up pasta, wait a minzie, on second thought, you can really fuck it up. But this dish was well constructed and very tasty.

Jamaican Curry Goat. A couple people at the table hated this but I thought it was pretty decent. The curry wasn't really curry but more of a sauce. The goat was tender and had decent flavor. Almost always goat curry is eaten with rice but they served it with some flat bread thinger. I wished they tried to do a Coco bread but the "naan" lacked seasoning so it was pretty bland but you're gonna dip it in the sauce anyways.

Late Autumn Breakfast. Fun name, fun dish. Very creative and tasty. One of the better dishes on the menu.

Braised Short Rib, brussels sprouts, cauliflower, apple. You can't go wrong with short rib, tender, flavorful and just plain good.

Banana Pudding. Looks promising until you dunk your spoon into it and lift up hard unripe bananas. The meringue was raw in the middle and needed sugar. It just didn't get executed correctly. What a shame.

Chocolate Thin Mint. Since the banana pudding was such a failure, this thin mint thinger looked like a winner compared to it. Desserts are boring to me but this was acceptable I guess, not very rich or orgasmic. For the price paid for this brownie, we coulda got 3 boxes of real Thin Mints, now those are the bomb.

You can easily blow over $50 per person here in a blink of an eye... Wait, you will blow over $50 per person. For that much scratch you would think you will come outta there with a full pouch. Not so much. The portions are ridiculously anemic. They push the dishes with conviction, sometimes even putting it down on the table like you ordered it off the menu and walk away. I had to do a double take a couple of times and told him to get his ass back here and take that shit away. The price paid in the end did not give me any more added value... It made me want to go home and cry myself to sleep. They genuinely believe in what they're doing and some dishes are pretty good, I just don't know how long this "concept" will last or should I say the public wants but afterwards we ended up eating half the menu at Octopus Bar, Clermont Lounge for slutty drinks and then late night snacks at Bamboo Luau paired with those nuclear glow in the dark drankz. It was not a cheap night but we fucking had a blast.


924 Garrett Street SE
Suite C
Atlanta, GA 30316
404-380-1886
http://www.gunshowatl.com/