Red Lobster

The year was 1982... One of the best year in music history with songs like Sweet Dreams, Hungry Like the Wolf, Do You Really Want to Hurt Me, You Dropped a Bomb on Me, Maneater, Hurts So Good, Beat It...  All these titles bring back memories of a seafood chain restaurant I ate at when I was smart ass kid.

That was also the year I last ate at Red Lobster before I developed taste. Hard To Say I'm Sorry but I Ran (So Far Away)... 31 long years later there was Always Something There To Remind Me. So, after all these years, I'm Steppin' Out into the night... Back On the Chain Gang. Will it be a A Night to Remember or will I have to Run to the Hills? I entered the doors and inhaled the scent of Dirty Laundry and soiled carpets saturated with sea funk... The question was, Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Cheddar Bay Biscuit. Could this little Blister In the Sun be made in house? Yes.Were they greasy and over salted? Hellz yeah. Were they tasty and addictive? Bet your ass they were. Did I say that out loud? Fuck me.

Parrot Isle Jumbo Coconut Shrimp. These things are like a pariah on every fucking chain restaurant menu. The over flowing hamster jizz of coconut flavored HFCS in that cauldron is basically the systemic root cause of obesity in this nation let alone in this restaurant. But were these sea roaches edible? Yes, if you favor freezer to fryer cuisine.

New England Clam Chowder. Yeah, it's chowda alright... From New England, Ohio. This is the finest clam chowder you'll ever have the oral pleasure of tasting radiated by way of a plastic bag.

Cheddar Bay Biscuit Shrimp-&-Lobster Pot Pie and Crunchy Parmesan Ranch Shrimp. Why does this shit always sound better than it tastes... I applaud their attempt to do a shrimp/lobster pot pie but it was basically the same thing as the clam chowda except that it contained some salad shrimp and surprisingly actual pieces of lobster. The best part of it was the cheddar biscuit cake on top. The ranch shrimp was neither crunchy nor parmesany... What do you expect from factory breaded shrimp. Side of veggie medley of squash was ok.

Shrimp and Scallops Linguini with fresh tomatoes, basil and a white wine-lemon sauce. Mmm, sounds lovely... Except for that pool of dog piss yellow grease gathering at the edge of the plate like an overflowing sewer. The pasta was cooked nicely with a sprinkling of previously frozen bay scallops and salad shrimp but this plate looked like a middle school cafeteria special. No basil, no hint of wine or lemon... It is purely a study in bewilderment.

Whole Lobster. Ah, what they do best... Can't screw this up no matter even if it's the janitor cooking. The grilled corn on the cob was a bit charred on a couple corn rolls, err, rows.

 Chocolate Cake with Vanilla Ice Cream Butterscotch Caramel Sauce. Yeah, whatever.

Key Lime Pie. Yeah, whatever.

Yeah, 1982 was a great year for the ears but not for the pouch, it had a hard time digesting the overly salted frozen kibbles that disguised as fresh seafood. I know now that I haven't missed anything in the last 30+ years at this shack... I'll prolly come back in another 30 years to give it another go but by that time I won't know the difference between a lobster and a bag of rocks, I'll just be happy to be out instead of peeing in my diaper for entertainment.