Saltyard

I was excited to see this place finally opened for business. It looked like they were getting consistent traffic. A good sign or just the sheep making the rounds? The pouch waited for the wool to settle down for a couple weeks. The space looks small from the outside but quite spacious on the inside. I liked the design of the space. Let's hope the menu delivers... It looked promising.

But first things first... The booze! Fuck yeah! The drink menu looks decent enough, I didn't expect it to be anything more than what's suitable for this spot and menu. But I was more interested in what they offered in their "signature" cocktails. The Whiskey Tango Foxtrot and Handlebar Moustache sounded interesting. Here's the punchline: It took forever to make these drinks. I looked over and this poor old man was reading the recipe for these drinks. C'mon, there's 7 specialty cocktails that each have 3 ingredients in it. You're a bartender, learn the fucking drinks! By the time it got to the table, the small ice cubes have mostly melted and watered down the damn drinks already. Sukhasana, pouch, Sukhasana... Breathe... Ok, let's order a few plates to sample what they got before we go ape shit on the menu.

Crispy Oysters. Looks like a good start... Plump crispy oysters obviously harvested from a jar but anything fried with batter makes it all better. The pickled veggies were colorful and briney but this was no escabeche... Nice thought, though.

Local Pork Cracklins. Fwied swine skin... What's not to love? Crispy, well seasoned and addictive. But where's my cocktail to go with this? Oh, yeah, the "senior bartender" has to check the recipe for a simple whiskey drink. Bless his heart... Fuck that, make my drink already, Gandalf.

Grouper Ceviche of the Day. I think they ran out of serving dishes. No worries, the mixing bowl works but the grouper didn't. This ceviche had no flavor, seasoning or acidity. The chips tasted just like Willy's... At least they got that going for them. No salsa bar in sight.

Salad Nicoise. Not exactly pleasing to the eyes but also not so fugly that you might find it on Awkward Family Photos either. The tomatoes, taters, eggs and haricot vert were ok (missing olives and anchovies) but the tuna preserva... Speechless. Grainy, mealy and scary. Fancy Feast this was not but I'm sure Heathcliff would eat the shit outta this.

Classic German Steak Tartare. Hey, look... There's the nicoise's anchovy! Tartare were sloppy looking... Even with the assistance of ring molds. The meat tasted like Mike and Ike's, just not as flavorful, but it was definitely chewy. Even after mixing in the yolk and anchovy, it barely made a dent in the taste department. Funny thing is... German tartare is usually made with raw pork and it doesn't involve egg yolks or anchovies. Where am I? Someone open the window, I can't breathe.

Chicken Liver Parfait. This chicken liver has been sitting around for days given the hard nasty crust on top. Even when you dig underneath that manhole cover, the liver was hard and dry... Water bath anyone? It was like spreading Silly Putty... Kinda tasted like it, too. Marinated fennel was ok. The citrus marmalade was just plain overpowering. But maybe that's a good thing for this "parfait". Ok, Allen Funt, come on out.

Roasted Red Pepper, Garlic Aioli, Crispy Prosciutto. Even Sandra Lee laughs at this. Snooze.

Grilled Octopus. I was excited for this dish from pictures I saw in the beginning. It looks like they went through like 5 different stages of portion sizing in 2 weeks. They decided to skimp on the main ingredient and compensate instead with brunoise size cubed taters filler for maximum profit gain. The 4 to 5 bites of octo were tender but the tiny tasteless taters were hard and dry and did absolutely nothing for this dish. Some simple Greek style taters would have been a better choice. These boring cubes of fried taters were just lazy on their part. Total let down and really cheap on the octopus. Makes me sad.

I guess we ain't ordering anything else from this kitchen after this dismal display... It was obviously an off week for them. Or was it that the menu was too much for this unseasoned staff. I observed the kitchen line for a couple minutes and it looked like total confusion. Maybe they should start making burritos... The tortilla chips were good. Let's hope they can go back to their original idea of what the food should be... Edible. Turn it around because I'm sick of mediocre food in nicely designed new spaces.

Check, pweez.


1820 Peachtree Rd NW
Atlanta, GA 30309
404-382-8088
http://saltyardatlanta.com/

Pouching Around Town

It places the grub in it's pouch... It does this whenever it's told... Or else it gets hose again... Put the fucking grub in the pouch!

The pouch has been on a tear recently. Consuming in mass quantities. Let's see what this fat fuck has been stuffing in his face.


Nicky's Seafood.
Still the best lobster roll in Atlanta. The end.

Lobster Roll. Look at that pink between them bunz. I might just jizz all over that... Oops, too late.

Crab Dip. Addictive.


Miso Izakaya.
The sushi is pedestrian at best but the "izakaya" dishes are very tasty.

Scallops and Mushrooms. Seared and seasoned perfectly. Really nice lil dish.

Beef Teriyaki. Sizzling MEAT. Gobble gobble. Burp.

Yakisoba. If you don't remind Guy that this has to be on a sizzler plate, you don't deserve to eat it.


Mother.
Dumb name. But $2 Tuesdays make up for it... Well, kinda. It's a 2 level bar thinger but they locked up the upstairs with some iron gate except on the weekends when it supposedly becomes a dance club. Lame. But not as lame as the $2 tequila shot... Shit tasted like diluted bleech. Skip that shit and stick with the grub.

Tacos. Brisket and catfish. These weren't half bad. I liked the crispy-ish tortilla, it didn't get all soggy and break apart. There's a tofu one, too... If you want to take your chances.

Lamb Burger. Just gamey enough to know that you're eating lamb instead of some mystery meat that was walking around in the back alley half an hour ago. Tasty lil burger.


Naan Stop.
If you don't take chances you will never know what you might be missing. In this case, I shoulda never taken a chance. This stuff was so watered down... I couldn't tell if it was Indian or Mexican Indian.

Samosa. The size of bull testicles, bro. Might be the only decent thing that you can swallow.

Masala Fries. I think I saw this in the garbage. Snooze.

Chicken Tikka Masala Rice Bowl. This Trader Joe's rice bowl needs another minute in the microwave.

Chicken Tikka Masala Naanwich. This maybe be worse than Seven Hens' sloppy wrap thingers.

Chai Tea. Sometimes instant powder Chai Tea is a welcomed sight.

Joystick Bar.

How is this place making money? You can make more money fingering street pay phone's change return holes than in those arcade games. You say pay phones are no longer in use anymore? Exactly. Bad service is a requirement for hipsters bars. The bottles of booze on those Ikea shelves look like they are about to collapse. That would be a tragedy.

Chicken Sandwich. A very nice piece of fried boneless cheekan but doesn't do it justice in sandwich form. And a pricey one at that.


Ammazza.
Very inconsistent in the beginning. Hipsters are hard to train to cook anything besides instant ramen noodles or hummus, let alone a proper Napoletana style 'ZA... It took them awhile but it seems like they are finally getting the hang of it.

Ammazzare. The dough, crust, sauce, char and everything else has gotten better over time. Believe it or not but I would come here over Antico just because I don't want to deal with the fucking tools that has infested that place. Watching hipsters making my pie is still painful but if you sit at the bar with your back to them, it makes it a little easier to digest.


Village Tap.
Buckhead fucks. But sometimes I will deal with them to get a piece of their fried chicken. The bartender is as vain as Vanity Smurf and he kinda looks like him, too. Too bad he can't make a decent drink to save his supply of hair mousse and liquid tan.

Fried Chicken. I can't believe I'm gonna say this but this is a really good fried chicken. It is not always consistent but when it's on, it's on... Their hot sauce tastes kinda weird and not spicy at all so make sure you get it on the side and not drown in it. Popeyes still wins because they are consistent 110% of the time.

Chicken Tenders. This is a fucking steal of a deal. 3 ginormous crispy tenders for like $7 and it's good.

Meatloaf. Asked the server how long this meat log has been sitting around and how dry it was. He said it was made the same day and very moist. Oh dear, what to do, what to do... Ordered it anyways by table votes. Shit was dry as a 76 year old woman... And almost tasted like one. Mysterious funky ketchup on top was total crap.


Villians.
Cute idea but the midtown location for a hipster sandwich shop might not pan out. Sandwiches are boring to me but sometimes I'm in the mood to be pedestrian. I'm still waiting for the Boba Fett and Jar Jar Binks.

Odd Job. Korean fried chicken sandwich. I wouldn't go that far and name it a KFC. Not even close but for what it was, it was ok since it was made by whities. All that shit on top covering the main event made it seem like they had something to hide.

Natasha Fatele. House cured tuna sandwich. Nice and chunky tuna, nice toasted bread pouch... But in the end it was pretty much boring after a few bites. Shouldn't have to pay upwards of $10 for a friggin tuna sandwich.


That's enough of the pouch adventures for now... But I have dozens more for the next one. I'm stuffed, need nap now. Peace, love and cheekan greeze, motherfuckers.

MEGU

Megu is one of the most beautiful restaurants in NYC, along with beautiful people in it, too... How the fuck did I get in here? Money talks, bullshit walks... Oh, the food is not too shabby here either.

When you come here, don't even look at the menu, just order the Umami Omakase... Maybe a couple extra pieces of sashimi that you're really hankering for.

 MEGU Original Crispy Asparagus 

 Foie Gras Teriyaki

Fresh Oyster with Black Truffle

Kobe Beef Carpaccio with Fresh Basil

Foie Gras Chawanmushi a la Rossini with Black Truffle

Tempura 

5 Kinds of Sashimi served in Igloo

 

MEGU Sushi with Akadashi

 

Uni Duo

 

Salmon Tartare with Osetra Caviar

Crispy “Kanzuri” Shrimp

 Uni and Scallop

Sushi 5pc & Roll

Nigiri a la carte

Kobe Sirloin “Kagero” Steak

Sweet Five

 

There really is no use in describing all the dishes... They were all amazing with beautiful presentations and perfect execution and timing. Shit, I was too busy stuffing my fat face but they don't fuck around here... Especially, the kobe seared on the hot stone, foie gras chawanmushi and charcoal grilled foie gras. Oh, the ultra fresh nigiri and sashimi did not suck either. That shit was badass.

Go. Bring me with ya.

62 Thomas St .

New York, NY 10013

(212) 964-7777

http://www.megurestaurants.com/

Red Lobster

The year was 1982... One of the best year in music history with songs like Sweet Dreams, Hungry Like the Wolf, Do You Really Want to Hurt Me, You Dropped a Bomb on Me, Maneater, Hurts So Good, Beat It...  All these titles bring back memories of a seafood chain restaurant I ate at when I was smart ass kid.

That was also the year I last ate at Red Lobster before I developed taste. Hard To Say I'm Sorry but I Ran (So Far Away)... 31 long years later there was Always Something There To Remind Me. So, after all these years, I'm Steppin' Out into the night... Back On the Chain Gang. Will it be a A Night to Remember or will I have to Run to the Hills? I entered the doors and inhaled the scent of Dirty Laundry and soiled carpets saturated with sea funk... The question was, Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Cheddar Bay Biscuit. Could this little Blister In the Sun be made in house? Yes.Were they greasy and over salted? Hellz yeah. Were they tasty and addictive? Bet your ass they were. Did I say that out loud? Fuck me.

Parrot Isle Jumbo Coconut Shrimp. These things are like a pariah on every fucking chain restaurant menu. The over flowing hamster jizz of coconut flavored HFCS in that cauldron is basically the systemic root cause of obesity in this nation let alone in this restaurant. But were these sea roaches edible? Yes, if you favor freezer to fryer cuisine.

New England Clam Chowder. Yeah, it's chowda alright... From New England, Ohio. This is the finest clam chowder you'll ever have the oral pleasure of tasting radiated by way of a plastic bag.

Cheddar Bay Biscuit Shrimp-&-Lobster Pot Pie and Crunchy Parmesan Ranch Shrimp. Why does this shit always sound better than it tastes... I applaud their attempt to do a shrimp/lobster pot pie but it was basically the same thing as the clam chowda except that it contained some salad shrimp and surprisingly actual pieces of lobster. The best part of it was the cheddar biscuit cake on top. The ranch shrimp was neither crunchy nor parmesany... What do you expect from factory breaded shrimp. Side of veggie medley of squash was ok.

Shrimp and Scallops Linguini with fresh tomatoes, basil and a white wine-lemon sauce. Mmm, sounds lovely... Except for that pool of dog piss yellow grease gathering at the edge of the plate like an overflowing sewer. The pasta was cooked nicely with a sprinkling of previously frozen bay scallops and salad shrimp but this plate looked like a middle school cafeteria special. No basil, no hint of wine or lemon... It is purely a study in bewilderment.

Whole Lobster. Ah, what they do best... Can't screw this up no matter even if it's the janitor cooking. The grilled corn on the cob was a bit charred on a couple corn rolls, err, rows.

 Chocolate Cake with Vanilla Ice Cream Butterscotch Caramel Sauce. Yeah, whatever.

Key Lime Pie. Yeah, whatever.

Yeah, 1982 was a great year for the ears but not for the pouch, it had a hard time digesting the overly salted frozen kibbles that disguised as fresh seafood. I know now that I haven't missed anything in the last 30+ years at this shack... I'll prolly come back in another 30 years to give it another go but by that time I won't know the difference between a lobster and a bag of rocks, I'll just be happy to be out instead of peeing in my diaper for entertainment.