Jack's Pizza & Wings - Soul Food Pizza

Hipster central. Cheap booze. Relatively cheap bar food. Cheap broads...

Can all be found under one roof. But this is not a review... It's about a discovery. A creasture from the deep... The deep south. How have I never noticed this beast on the menu before? It's like sasquatch, one minute it's there, the next poof! Well, it coulda been the beer goggles, too. Let's see if we can spot him at night and mebbe try to nibble on his hairy teet a little...

Soul Food - Fried Chicken, Mashed Potatoes, Collard Greens, and Gravy. Look at this creasture, it's like a horror film. Linda Blair's pubes just stood up... On the back of her neck, it's that scary. Pack it back up in it's film tin! This almost looks like something you concoct the day after Thanksgiving to nurse your hangover. What is that yellow jizz-like substance inside that plastic spooge bucket thinger? I swear I will not open it no matter how curious I get. Remember when those Nazis opened up the Ark in Indiana Jones? Nazis are dumb motherfuckers... I ain't falling for it, bro! Ok, I did it anyways. 

I looked away for two seconds and this appeared on my plate... Did this thing just crawled across the table? Stared at this mess for a few seconds. Obviously, it wanted me to eat him. So, how was it? Not as bad as you would think. It wasn't drenched in gravy which was a good thing. The mash taters were peppery, the collards like swamp moss and the chicken... Crispy but kinda dry, like frozen chicken tenders. The dough was pretty much the standard boring AP recipe. It ain't great by any means but it wasn't Papa John's, either. Well...

Soul Food pizza... It's a triple dog dare. I can't wait for the Thanksgiving pie... Pass the bucket.

Why do I do shit like this to myself, again?

676 Highland Avenue Northeast
Atlanta, GA 30312
(404) 525-4444
http://www.jackspizzaandwings.com/

B. Beatty Bakery, Diner & Cafe

How is this place not crowded on a Sunday at noon? The area is packed with residential buildings and lofts all within walking distance. You would think this place would be making a killing since there's not much else around. There were more staff than customers in this large space. It's actually a decent looking place and it seems like they would be serving up some great home cooked vittles. But it was dead in here. They couldn't filled the place even if they were giving away free bumps and blow jobs in the bathroom. What could be keeping the people away? Hmmm, let's find out...

Looked around, no one had food at their table... That's weird. The server was like a timid hipster in training but he was very sweet and delicate like a flower. The menu is pretty extensive and looked decent but long menus are usually suspect to me. Ordered food, waited and waited... Server comes by at least 6 times to fill water. Finally, an hour later the food arrives. What are they... Killing the chicken in the back? This shit better be good...

Chicken & Waffles. Belgian waffle instead of the American... But does it really matter which one you pick here because both is a crapshoot, keyword being crap. I think this was a pancake that was dropped on the floor initially... And then the cook accidentally stepped on it with his Timberlands. This has L'eggo my Eggo written all over it... Wait, Eggos are better. You have to drown that shit in maple syrup and butter for it to be halfway edible. Now, on to the chicken... Anyone see anything wrong with this picture? I asked the server if it really came with two wings or if the cook was fucking with me. He said it usually comes with two wings (which were actually decent in a low rent kinda way)... No thigh or leg, what a shame. To their credit it did say chicken and waffle and that's exactly what I got served. How dare I assume it would actually be anything but...

3 Meat Combo w/ Mac & Cheese. This plate was so visually unappealing that I almost puked... If I had it wouldn't show on this plate of slop. Chicken, beef and pork... Can you tell which is which? Looked like it was stir fried all together and then sprinkled with red chili flakes. Every piece of meat were so dried up that it tasted like it was at least 3 days old. I have had beef jerky that was more tender than this. None of the meat had any flavor, it coulda been nutria for all I know. The mac was a sight to behold, totally disgusting and the taste not far from it. I wouldn't serve this to a hobo. Totally wack.

Dirty Rice (Cajun). There's nothing dirty or Cajun about this boil in a bag rice. The sausage was actually the round breakfast patties you find in the frozen aisle that they broke up into pieces. Hard, dry and totally tasteless. This was total garbage compared to Curly's dirty rice which was pretty fucking awesome.

You can actually see the frozen sausage patty's rounded edge shape! Unlike Oliver Twist, I ain't asking for seconds of this gruel. I was hoping to find a finger as I dug deeper and deeper into this pile of manure... But to my dismay, they failed me once again.

Sweet Potato Blood Orange Souffle. Who taught them how to cook? They put this plastic bowl/cup thinger right into the oven to somewhat brown the marshmallows on top and the side of the cup cracked in half. While this wasn't anything to spank your monkey about, it was probably the most edible thing of the entire meal. You can tell they just don't give a shit about anything here... Slop a chunk of tater in the cup, throw some shit on top and out it goes.

I don't understand why would people spend so much time, money and effort to open a business to only serve absolute garbage to paying customers that will probably never come back... Ahh, now I know why this place was empty. I just answered my own question.

Flush.

No Rating.

309 Nelson Street SW
Atlanta, GA 30313
404-883-3200

LPC

La Pietra Cucina was good back in the day when Bruce Logue was overseeing the kitchen, some dishes were outstanding. But like every cook everywhere they must move on to bigger and better things... Like STG Trattoria. When will his new place manifest no one knows but when it does I'm sure it will be boss.

So, after a name change, a new look inside and a new semi-celeb cook at the helm, LPC is finally reopened for biznaz. Who's the new cook you ask? Wellllllll, we're waaaaiting... It's no other than Hell's Kitchen Season 8 runner up, Russell Kook. Who? Can this town harbor another TV game show cook? That depends on what he can do and keeping up the standards of the past La Pietra will be a challenge...

First challenge, the cook actually has to be there in the kitchen cooking on a Friday night. But he supposedly took off early because it wasn't crowded. Come again? Fuck me. Is this what TV has done to this industry and work ethics? As the new head cook of any kitchen, you should be there every fucking goddamn day for at least one year making sure every thing is done properly whether or not there is 100 people or 1 person. I don't think Russell even lasted 6 months at his last gig, Chicago Cut Steakhouse. Who? It looks like that's the trend these days with lazy owners/chefs in this town. No wonder why their food sucks and then find themselves on Scoutmob two weeks in.

I'm not saying that I'm writing this place off already because I know what this kitchen can do... So, let's go find out what the dealio is. The staff is pretty much on point since the beginning. They got their shit together... So, it's up to the kitchen to bring it and hurt my pouch in a good way.

Brussels Sprouts Salad, hardboiled egg, percorino grand cru, marcona almonds, lemon vinaigrette. Half of the sprouts were fried and other half poached. The vinaigrette was a bit too acidic and the sprouts still came out a tad bitter but overall edible. I just don't get the fascination of a brussels sprouts salad, like Octopus Bar's version which was awful and I like Octo Bar a lot.

Fritto Misto, fall vegetables, calamari, rock shrimp, saffron aioli. Pretty much your standard fry mix of stuff which were tasty but that saffron aioli was absolutely devoid of taste. Open your mouth and swallow some air, that's what it tastes like. So, I ask the server to taste it, he went back into the kitchen and everyone else agreed that it was crap except the head cook of the night who said it was delicious and that no one else knows what the fuck they were talking about. If it's that good, bottle that shit up and sell it... Good luck with that. Wait, I think they do sell it in the market, it's called ammonia.

Calabrian Pepper Mayo Thinger. Replacement dip for saffron aioli... Tis was nice and spicy but just too much of it. Also, they came out with some pomodoro/marinara which was pretty kickass.

Linguini Carbonara, housemade pancetta, percorino, duck egg, cracked black pepper. This has got to be 100 times better than that slop I had at Eclectic Bar & Bistro... And it was it! This was G U U D. I know everyone and their mother loves H&F's carbonara but this might trump it. Get it, you'll see. Then give me a reach around to thank me. You're welcome.

Squid Ink Spaghetti, ndjua, rock shrimp, scallions. Ah, their classic dish... What the fuck is a ndjua and will it be just as good as before? Yep, tis was... And I think it's nduja. The end.

Bucatini, rock shrimp, uni butter. The special of the night and I lurv me some bucatini if it's fresh and done right. Like with most places that offer uni butter, it's barely noticeable. With this dish, a hint of it was there but it coulda used a lot more of it. Besides, the lack of uni flavor, it was still a good dish. Get it if it's still available.

Sorbetto, peach and pink salt & grapefruit. Peach was peachy tasting but the pink salt/grapefruit was an interesting specimen... Tried it and it's not for me. Next.

This place still got it when it comes to pasta. I'll try their other non-pasta dishes next time... And hopefully, the head cook they hired to do a job might actually show up for work. Unless there's something he's trying to hide... We will see soon, very soon. If it's anything like the pasta, I may have to bump it up to a solid 3 stars.

PS- Stay away from the Saffron Risotto... Trust me.

2.5 Stars.

1545 Peachtree St NE #100
Atlanta, GA 30309
(404) 888-8709
http://www.lapietracucina.com/

Nicky's Seafood - Lobster Roll

Lobster rolls are hard to come by in this town... And if you do find a place that has it on the menu, more often than not, it doesn't live up to the standards of a true lobster roll. I've had almost every single lobster roll in this town and they all have been a let down. I know what these places are thinking... Charge a shit load of money for a roll the size of a "pigs in the blanket" because these nitwits down here won't know the difference.

I've read all the reviews, raves and hype for the "it" places that serve their "authentic" versions and I ask myself, "Seriously? These people really think what they put out is even close to the real deal?". But I know ATLiens and how they would never ever dare criticize anything because they don't want to be shunned by the sheep and the powers that be. I say who gives a fuck... If your food sucks, it sucks... And someone needs to let you know about it so you can make it better for the greater good. Ok, enough whining... Less talk, more lobster.

Nicky's has been around for a good bit, his fried seafood has always been pretty good and decently priced... He must be doing something right because he spruced up the place and looks very clean now... And he also has the Lobster Lord in the corner making his special Lobster Roll. He's kinda like the only Master Sushi Chef in GA in the corner of Czar Bar spewing out sushi genius... Except for one thing, the Lobster Lord doesn't suck. The price of this beast has been creeping up since the beginning of summer, from under $15 to the recent $15.95. Is it pricey for a roll down here? Fuck yes. But if it's bigger than a baby's dick and stuffed with chunks of lightly dressed fresh lobster... I'm buying it. Let's go to the videotape...

Lobster Roll. Dude, fuck me, yo. Look at the size of tail, knuckle and claw meat up in this piece. Most other places, they have claw and knuckle meat de-shelled and delivered by their purveyor... Because no one wants to actually get live lobsters, cook it and then shell it. This Lobster mofo actually does it all himself. When's the last time you actually found giant hunks of tailmeat in one of those places that charge $21+ and the roll is the size of a raccoon penis? Not Souper Jenny, not Optimist, not Bocado, not Legal Sea Foods, not Goin' Coastal... Not sayin' they were all bad but Souper Jenny's was prolly the worst of the bunch, I took 3 bites of that "straight outta da bag" Pepperidge Farm roll and throw the rest in the garbage... I didn't want his friends in there to be lonely. But nevermind that, this beast was almost there to my standards, real close... Fresh chunks of meat that were lightly dressed stuffed inside a buttery toasted challah top split bun. It was sweet, buttery and smelled like fresh from the sea pun tang. You know this old man by the sea is pulling in serious mermaid talent... His pimp hand is strong but it's also delicate like a Rabbi when making the lobster meat incisions.

So, you're prolly asking... What the fuck is that red shit brush on top of the bun? Don't worry, I said the same fucking thing... So, what the fuck is it, Lord of the Spanish Flies? It's his special signature jizz "wit"of cornstarch, tomato paste, nutmeg and a squirt of Jack Daniels brush on the bread before baking. Does this do anything to enhance the lobster roll? Is it authentic? Who the fuck knows but it didn't take away from the dericiousness of this prime specimen. Come to think of it, it's kinda growing on me... Like that stupid dog of mine after 6 years.

Lobster Bisque. Tis was aight. Too watery, not enough lobster meat and flavor. Try it once and be done with it, I say.

So, what does the pouch say about this creasture from the deep? I like it, I like it a lot... Possibly, the best lobster roll I have had in this town. You get a lot for the money compared to other popular high priced seafood fish camps (1 1/4 lbs of meat for $16 vs 1/2 lb for $21+). This place is actually a real shack that delivers... Not just a fancy looking joint that delivers more lip service than product.

 This shit is good, go get some before it's gone.

3.5 Stars.

609 Whitehall Street
Atlanta, GA 30303
404-588-3474
http://nickysseafood.com/

Church's Chicken

Yeah, I fucking cheated. So, what. It was a cheap date so it really doesn't count. I saw some hobo holding a sign out on Buford Highway jumping up and down like a chode, so I turned in to see what all the fuss was about. It was a eight piece special for like $5... Fuck it, let's see how good it taste these days since I haven't had Church's in months, mebbe even years.

The crust/batter in the past were pretty crispy but you usually get a money shot to the eye right after you take the first bite. The hot grease that's sealed inside jizzes you all over your face. I mean, not even a fucking warning! You ladies out there know what I'm talking about. That shit doesn't tickle either since it's piping hot. But I never cared because I was either drunk as fuck or high as a motherfucker... I kinda miss the Church's on Ponce and Boulevard across from Popeyes. It was like cheekan heaven for the cheekanheads that pecked around the hood.

Ok, sooo... How is their chicken now? It was decent and I use that term loosely like the stank that hangs around there. The crust was still crispy but after it cools down it gets kinda soggy. Popeyes doesn't do that. The grease factor inside has come down as well. You still get some grease running down your hand but nothing that a quick tongue lashing can't take care of. The flesh itself was kinda tasteless and flavorless. I had to dump an elephant jizz load of hot sauce on it to give it some taste. I don't know where they source their poultry but Popeye's somehow has a lot more flavor in their chicken. Church's has historically always been cheaper than Pops, so mebbe there's the answer to that question. Could be chicken from Camaroon. Who knows.

So, where would I put present day Church's on my fwied cheekan scale? Definitely, towards the bottom half... Mebbe on par with KFC. There are better chicken chains out there like Bojangles', Roy Rogers, Pollo Campero, Kennedy Fried Chicken, Mrs. Winner's... Even Publix! (Chickfila, Zaxby's, et al don't count as real fried chicken). But no one can beat the king, Popeyes... There can be only one!

1 Star.

4995 Buford Highway
Chamblee, GA 30341
770-454-9404
http://www.churchs.com/index.html

Eclectic Bar & Bistro

Remember Tierra? Probably not, anymore... Except maybe for their tres leche. It was decent but it was never as good as everyone was jacking it off to be. The food was ok but the seats were too close to one another that you could smell what the person next to you had for breakfast. It was a nice little neighborhood mom & pop shop that lasted many years but there were too many factors that led to their decision to close shop. They had a good run but it looks like it's time for someone else to break wind in here. So, enters Eclectic...

It's not a good sign when a brand new restaurant is already doing interweb deals in their first month of opening. Amateur hour at it's finest. In your face Scoutmob and Yelp deals only strengthens their path to doom. It's like a ticking time bomb ready to explode like some teenager's sack of blueballs. But that's not always the case with every resto that does deals. So, let's take a chance and a looksie...

I walked in, the place was dead (as with every other time I drive past it), wanted to turn around but the bartender spotted me... Too late. Let's give it a go and see what's up. They opened up the space a little and added a decent size bar. Most of the staff  and owner(s?) were sitting at the end of the bar socializing like a bunch of sorority sisters. Only one person greeted the people who actually came in and he was the bartender.. And the server as well, since the rest of the staff were pretend working. The owner/staff were fucking clueless on how to run a resto. In the course of an hour, I saw her (owner) run behind the bar a bunch of times and only tended to her girlfriends at the bar. Is this a clubhouse for the little rascals or a fucking business? The only person busting his ass was the bartender/server/cook/manager/busser/janitor/plumber/decorator/investment adviser. He did a kick ass job.

Let's take a look at the menu since the cocktail menu almost put me to sleep... British, Irish and Greek cuisine is listed on their Facebook page but yet their menu is heavily Italian with hints of French and Mediterranean. Does anyone not see what's wrong with this picture? It's a melting pot of the most generic dishes found all over town. Ok, just relax, take your time and pick out something that they might be able to do competently... But first, let's grab a drink. A beer in a bottle is prolly the safest bet. Go for it.

About to Jock off...

Portuguese Clams, fresh tomatoes, Spanish chorizo, housemade garlic croutons. Sounded great on the menu but the taste was a whole another story. Bland frozen Manila clams... But don't worry the chorizo should have enough salt to balance it out. Too bad they tasted more like bacon SPAM, not that SPAM isn't good, but just not good in this dish. Why are the croutons cooked with the clams? They were soggy like a 80 year old man's sack steeping in a jacuzzi for hours. Was it terrible? No, but it wasn't memorable either. Off da list.

Eclectic Shish Kebob, beef or lamb, roasted potatoes, tzatziki.This was not bad at all. The lamb and beef (you can ask for both) were both cooked a little under medium-rare but that's ok with me. Only thing... Nothing was seasoned in this dish. The potatoes needed seasoning, olive oil, oregano, garlic... Even a squirt of lemon juice would do. The tzatziki was decent with little cubes of cucumber in it. Overall, a totally acceptable dish.

Pasta Carbonara, pancetta, spaghetti, sweet peas, parmesan. Dude, seriously, don't start with me... Does this even remotely look like a carbonara? Fuck my life... Where to begin. This was insulting to me and I'm not even Eyetalian. Crappy cheap box spaghetti that were way undercooked, frozen peas, tasteless pancetta and a cream sauce that reached a new level of pump pump squirt... In the wrong direction. This dish was pretty rank. I have had better frozen pasta dinners by Michelina's and at a fraction of the price of this monstrosity. Someone kill it, it's an aberration.

The lack of traffic in this conveniently located spot with high visibility will ultimately spell out one thing unless they actually have a leader that will step up and care about the sustainability of this place. It almost feels like the owner opened this place so they can hangout with their friends. No one said a goddamn word when I walked out the door... Hell, even a kick to my balls would be at least some type of acknowledgement. Hospitality at it's finest.

1/2 Star for the kebob and working bartender.

1425 Piedmont Ave NE
Atlanta, GA
(404) 228-7559
http://www.facebook.com/EclecticBistroBar

Coco's Chinese Restaurant - Revisit

Danny Ting has left the building... And so did his cooking. This guy is worse than Peter Chang, well, mebbe not that bad. But let's see how the food is nowadays. Walked in, the place was empty. Oh, dear... No turning back now. Just order a couple classic dishes and then we'll know where they stand...

Beef Tripe and Tendon. This woulda been good if it actually contain the headliner of this dish but not one piece of tripe or tendon showed up for work. All this dish consisted of was blood pudding and a few scraps of unidentified offal, all hidden in a mud bath. I'm over it, next...

Squid with Sour Mustard. Sour mustard is a hard to find dish in this town. Coco made an amazing one with intestines under Danny Ting but now, the sour mustard is almost non-existent and totally tasteless. Adding insult to injury, they used celery as a camo filler to make it look like it was sour mustard. The squid was ok but overall, a total failure as a complete dish. So disappointing.

Eggplant and Minced Pork with Garlic Sauce. The good old standby dish that never fails to please. This was not bad but this came out in a PLASTIC bowl not in a clay pot. WTF. You just fucking ruined this dish for me, you fucking fuck. Now, I'm gonna have nightmares.

I have never wanted to leave a Chinese resto as fast as I did after 2 minutes of sitting down. The pouch instincts never fails. The damn server even left in the middle of service, I guess her shift was over, but thanks for the heads up, whore. I'm really not that surprised with these FOBs. Anything goes on Buford Hwy.

This place was really good for a short while but now, it's totally the opposite... No need to waste anymore time, money and pouch space on the rest of the menu.

They coulda been a contender... Now, they are just a pretender.

Fair Rating.

4897 Buford Hwy
Ste #104
Chamblee, GA 30341
(678) 580-3063

http://www.cocosatlanta.com