Chicken Sandwich Franchise Wars

Everybody already knows that Taco Bell will be the only survivor of the franchise wars of 2032... But Taco Bell in the present day has yet to come up with a chicken sandwich to compete in the chicken wars of 2021. Yeah yeah, they got some bullshit called the "Crispy Chicken Sandwich Taco", but c'mon, man! that's not a real chicken sandwich, that's just neanderthal thinking. Maybe Taco Bell needs to raise taxes on it's customer base for infrastructure to build a proper cheekan sando to compete with the global franchises... Or maybe Taco Bell should shut da fuck up and stick to their Alpo grade tacos and leave the cheekan sandos to the cheekan experts... Like this fat fuck.

Luckily, for mankind, the Pouch has waged it's own battle on the franchises that do have a cheekan soldier in this war... Oh, sweet baby Jesus, bless my sphincter for what's to come into my bowels.

We got a lot of cheekan shit to eat, so, let's get to the contenders... Popeyes, KFC, McDonald's, Church's, Zaxby's. I ain't including Chick-Fil-A just because they have been doing this shit for years and every mook knows what that shit tastes like. They are like the neutral Swiss of this fowl war.

Bags of cheekanheads...

First up, Popeyes, KFC and Mickey Shit's...

POPEYES Spicy Chicken Sandwich.

The original "chicken sando"... Looks as glorious as when it was first introduced... But some may say the chicken filet is a bit smaller.

Under the hood, only one goddamn pickle and that wasn't even a full sized pickle... Meh. 

But look at that breasteses... Motorboat, anyone? Why is the Popeyes chicken sando so beloved and crave-worthy? Well, they use a buttery brioche bun that cradles that amazing crispy crust and the white meat is juicy and larger than most other sandos. Sometimes even double the size. It's just a damn good sando for $4. And always get the spicy.

KFC New Chicken Sandwich.

They say it's an "extra crispy filet with premium pickles, mayo, on a brioche-style bun"... I don't see no prem pickles or mayo...

Not a fucking pickle in sight... And these fucking mooks demand $15/hr? I fucking demand you make me a fucking complete sando that I paid full price for. But the filet does hang over the bun.

Even minus the pickles, this $4 cheekan sando still looks pretty promising... The bun is good and the piece of chicken looks pretty sizeable and a decent crust around the edges. It's a good chicken sando but definitely not as good as Popeyes. May if there were pickles in it, it may have made a difference but the spicy "sauce" is a joke. I had to squirt some Frank's RedHot to give it some kick.

MCDONALD'S Spicy Crispy Chicken Sandwich.

Doesn't look terrible with the top sliced buttered potato roll but for about $4 this sando will never be able to compete with Popeye's or KFC's much larger chicken sandwich. It's a rather thin piece of chicken, almost looks processed like the $1 McChicken. But they did put pickles on it and I don't see anything spicy about it. There were a few "spicy pepper sauce" looking streaks on the bun but barely...

Well, there are 3 pickles on this barely covering the bun chicken patty. The coating on the chicken can't even be considered a crust. It's like they dropped it in the sand and decided to cook it... Wait, did they put a sandpaper block in the microwave by mistake? There's no fucking way this was even semi-in-store prepared. They definitely didn't fry this in-store... Totally nuked it straight in the vac-bag.

Looks so appetizing doesn't it? You see how it's slanted... That's because they used it as a wheel chock to keep the warm box from wheeling down the uneven floor, you can still see the treads on the bun. Now, it's all downhill from the first bite to the last... That's if you can or want to finish this barely crispy, bland, non-spicy and dried out chewy ass chicken patty. This chicken sando SUCKS ASS.

MCDONALD'S Regular Chicken Sandwich.

Why the fuck did you get two of these deplorable low rent cheekan sandos, Pouch? Because I'm a fat slob and had a fucking BOGO coupon and I'm still trying to convince myself that I got a deal for $2 a sando. Seriously, it's like the Matrix deja vu all over again... Is this a fucking joke for almost $4? And the douche who made this is also demanding $15/hr as well? A gerbil could have made this... I know it requires hours of training to put a microwaved processed chicken patty between two buns and shove it into a bag. It looked dry as hell and I don't see any pickles peeking out nor any type of dressing as lubricant to get this 40 grit patty down.

Look at this pathetic loser... No pickles and grounded up eyetalian breading without the Italian seasonings as a crust on this thin factory pressed chicken. I'm still fucking pissed about the missing pickles.

Holy fuck, even this sando is frowning because it is sad as fuck... It's so unloved that even a red-headed stepchild laughs at it. As with the spicy version, the sandpaper patty is barely crispy and dried out... It's like chewing on a compacted saw dust puck that was flame kissed with a Bic lighter. I wouldn't even use the bun to wipe my ass... With my luck, my finger will prolly go right through the bun and right into my exithole... Shit, I'm trying to free brown Willy, not plug it in. I'm so fucking over this shitwich. I swear, their $1 McChicken is 20 times better than this sad sack of crap.

CHURCH'S Spicy Chicken Sandwich.

I haven't been to a Church's in years and I didn't even know they were even in the fight... But they got a cheekan sando and this fat fuck ain't gonna say no. Nice packaging and they give you a little surprise... What could it be... Maybe cheekan hearts, gizzards or uterus? Now, I'm getting excited...

This is a very well prepared and good looking chicken sando. The cross-cut and honey-butter brushed toasted brioche bun was not crushed. The crust on the chicken looked flakey and not too thick. There were pickles peeking out and the surprise was a pickled jalapeno which they call the Jalapeno Squeeze because you are supposed to squeeze the jalapeno until it breaks open and sprinkle the juice on the chicken before you eat it for that extra kick to your throat nads.

They guarantee three pickles on each sando and those two half retarded ones in the back counts as one I guess... But still impressive given the rest of the sandos tested were missing pickles or only had one. The spicy is just a spicy mayo they squirt on both buns. 

It's not a thick piece of chicken but it was a good size piece that hung over on both sides of the bun. One bite and I could not believe this was from a low rent Church's... This was a goddam good chicken sandwich. The brioche bun was soft and forgiving yet held everything together well. No sogginess even after the ride home. The flaky crust was exactly that, crispy and not too thick. The chicken itself was moist and tender and the spicy mayo gave it just enough flavor to make you know it was the spicy version. I can't believe it but this was such a sleeper hit and it doesn't get enough credit or coverage on how good it was. The low rent Church's ghetto rep has redeemed themselves. Fuck me, I'm craving another... How is this possible? Unpossible!

ZAXBY'S Signature Chicken Sandwich.

Zaxby's is all about chicken tenders but they also got dragged into the chicken wars... But their sandos are the most expensive at $5 a piece. And this lardass ain't gonna cry about an extra dollar during this epic battle.

Unwrapped: Zax Sauce and Spicy Zax Sauce.

ZAXBY'S Spicy Chicken Sandwich.

Big piece of chicken that covers the bun with ease... I see the spicy Zax sauce but where the fuck are the pickles, bro? 

Ahhh, check under the skirt and there are the nads. 3 is the magic number with all the chicken sandos. They use a buttery toasted potato bun and you can see a little browning on the edges of the bun. But does it pass the smell test? 

Fuck yeah it does... It's a sizeable piece of chicken like Popeyes. Thick meat inside and thin crispy crust outside. Damn, everything on this sando worked together so well. 

ZAXBY'S Regular Chicken Sandwich.

Sweet baby Jesus, the filet totally dominated the bun. Kinda reminds me of the world famous Chic*A*Loes cheekan sando in the ghetto of South Atlanta. This is giving me a bit of a blood flow going... Squirt. 

True to form they included the 3 pickles along with a few squirts of Zax sauce. Shit, they deserve $15/hr here just for getting this shit together right.

Look at that joker smile... Unlike the MCD's sad cheekan frown. This sando is so happy that I'm about to eat him. But my mind was in the gutter and I kinda want to take it into a dark closet and violate it first. Jesus, Pouch... You sicko! This bird is dead, you can't choke the chicken anymore... That's what she said. This regular Zax sando didn't taste much different than the spicy Zax. Both were real tasty.

Here's the Chicken Lip's verdict...

1. Popeyes

2. Tie: Zaxby's and Church's

3. KFC

4. McDonald's... Fuck that bullshit...They should be ashamed to even pretend it was a chicken sando. Just replace it with the McRib in the Chicken Sandwich wrapper.

I also had the chicken sandos from Wendy's, BK and Culver's but they all sucked pretty bad and forgettable, worse than MCD's.. So, I didn't include them. I wished there was a Jollibee in this one horse town because their chicken sando looked pretty damn good.

No one is gonna give a shit about the chicken wars in about a decade because Taco Bell will have decimated all the other franchises. But I'm still confused as fuck on how to use the Three Seashells...  So, I had to resort to using toilet paper I found in the museum, yeah, that old relic from the neanderthal period. C'mon, man! 

Burp Burp Flush.