Taylor'd Bar-B-Q

Avondale Estates has been pretty much the ignored and unloved red-headed stepchild when compared to the number one son, Decatur... AE has never been much to look at but the area has been quietly building new developments like crazy and the prices have been creeping up steadily. The people in the know are secretly buying up property there... And when the real estate prices start to rise in a depressed area, businesses are going to notice and make a move. For example, a pho joint would be the last thing you would think of opening around these parts but Vietvana has been doing brisk business since they opened. Due to demand and the need to self medicate this entire year, the handful of breweries have reopened with enough space inside and out to safely operate and the community seems to be much happier. And more recently, a newish BBQ joint has quietly and finally opened after a 2 year build out and started serving in late July in an old remodeled convenient store. I have been keeping tabs on this joint as have many others waiting to see if the manmeats will be a worthy addition to the competitive BBQ scene in this town. From the reports and pictures I have read and seen, it looked like the BBQ needed a little more time to be ready for prime time. So, after 3 months of waiting and giving them extra time to work out the opening kinks, I thought it's about time to see what the fuss was about this place. I checked out their website and it looks like their online ordering process is up and running... But I prefer to order in person just in case there are specials... Oh, and there were, they were pushing the brisket eggrolls, hard. 

Let's go take a first look...

Chopped Beef Brisket Plate, Brunswick Stew, Jambalaya Que, White Bread, Lingering Ghost Pepper Sauce, $15. When I opened the box and looked in, I was like, is this all there is? It looked kinda chintzy and I was starting to get upset.. Then I took a breath and said, no no no, Pouch, be nice. I'm doing this to support small businesses and to report back to my one reader. It's BBQ, how bad can it be? Famous last words... Let's check out the sides first. The Brunswick stew was acceptable but the lack of lima beans was noticeable. The Jambalaya que was just a mushy mess, if you closed your eyes it would be similar to mushy peas. Both were just a flash in the pan and put to the side. 

Let's take a closer look at the manmeat... Hold on, let me get my bifocals on because it looks a little dry... I asked for sliced but somehow they haven't had sliced brisket for awhile, only available in big cubes. I then asked how long would the wait be if I wanted sliced brisket... They said they don't have any brisket that can be sliced... I'm like what. da. fuk. yo. Tell-tale sign that the smoked meats were not being served the same day. Most likely they were keeping inventory from the day before or longer to serve today.

Jesus, a blind man can see this desert mirage... It's like seeing a chick from afar that you think is good looking, but the closer it gets, it's far from good. The closer I inspected this specimen the more it looked like the surface on Mars... It was dry and reddish looking. I poked it with a fork and it was like a rubber sole, it had no give. It's no secret what this was gonna chew and taste like... It brought back memories of my papaw's old leather belt that he used to beat me with. I tried to eat 2 pieces drowning in the very weak lingering ghost pepper sauce to get it down but in the end I got the horns messing with this bull... Shit. The only thing that was lingering in this entire thing was regret. Maybe I can use the rest of it as a mother for a beef stew.

Pulled Pork, Mac & Cheese, Pickle Vinegar Slaw, White Bread, Sweet BBQ Sauce, $13. What is that... Sun dried dreadlocks? Holy shit, that pulled pork looked like it was cured in a salt crust. Wait, did I order pork jerky... Is it on the menu? I think we need to let the pork breathe a little... But in the mean time let's sample the sides. The mac should be called mac & mac because it was chalky, flavorless and cheeseless. It was all stuck together, no ooze, no pull, no crispy bits... They should have a sign out front for this like the no shirt, no shoes, no service. The pickle vinegar slaw... Well, if pouring diluted vinegar on top of shredded cabbage to order constitute as being pickled, then more power to them. Let's get back to the Bob Marley jerk pork...

Oh, boy, look at that exhibit... All I could hear in the back of my pea brain was... Said I remember when we used to eat, in the parking lot of Heirloom... So dry your tears I say, and no Pouch, no cry. I sampled a piece that looked the most tender and it was like Clark chewing on that turkey in Christmas Vacation. Cousin Eddie, I think I found the neck you wanted... Wait, it might be the heart. This was unbelievable, both proteins, two of the most celebrated staples of the BBQ standard was utterly disappointing. How could they serve this compacted saw dust in the shape of beef and pork with a straight face is beyond me... Isn't the number rule of cooking is to always taste taste taste? 

I didn't want to waste the meat that I paid for, so, I thought about what I could do with them... I ended chopping them up into smaller pieces soaking them in a broth for a bit and then making flied lice with it... And it tasted fucking great.  

I will probably never go back after this dismal display but I do hope they get their shit together and wish them the best of luck. I would prefer them to have a smaller inventory of freshly smoked meats and running out early than to have an abundance of days old meats held in inventory.

2759 E College Avenue

Decatur, GA 30030

http://www.taylordbarbq.com/

Subway

I have made some very poor life decisions in my life. Everyday, I ask myself where did I go wrong in life... And why am I so fat. I think it all started when I picked the wrong family as a tiny Pouch... They weren't rich. That's where I made the initial life changing wrong turn. And I have been choosing the road less traveled ever since... Forty miles of bad road, bad ideas and even badder decisions. For example... One of my latest and greatest regrettable and forgettable life choices... Subway. Oh, this wasn't a conscious thought, it was one made by the almighty brown juice gods... Bourbon and Rye. Fridays are usually shit days, well, all my days are full of shit but Fridays are usually the shittiest... Once, I get home, I start making cocktails and I don't stop until the Pouch starts growling and complaining. I'm like STFU, bro, I'm feeding you liquid gold, err, brown juice... Stop bitching, there's starving and sober kids in Chiiin-nah. Let's face it, it's better to be drunk and unconscious than sober with a full belly of dogmeat. But of course, I give in instantly and must feed the Pouch. I needed something quick and cheap to shut this motherfucker up, STAT... So, I can continue to imbibe without the marsupial nagging me every 2 minzies. I see a pile of junk mail sitting on the corner of the table and I go through it to see if there's any food coupons for guidance... Fuck me, all the usual fast food suspects. Then I see a bright green Subway BOGO coupon and I'm like, hey, this looks kinda healthy... Famous fucking last words, Pouch...

I haven't been to a Subway in over two decades, so, I had to google map the closest dumpy Subway station and just my luck it is run by an Indian family that barely spoke Engrish... Ooohhh, this is gonna be an adventure... Maybe I'll get lucky with a dericious chicken 65 sub. The last time I remembered, you kinda have to make your own sub at this dump and you actually have to communicate with them... It ain't like running into a Shell gas station and picking up a scratch off ticket by pointing my sausage finger at it. Wait, why the fuck not? Just pretend like you're at Willy's and point away at the assembly line of fillers. So, the only Subway that was opened from this Covid shitshow was hidden in this dark side strip mall off Dekalb Industrial Way... Yeah yeah, I know what y'all are fucking thinking... Have you no shame? Duh, what do you think... Eh, fuck it, let's just get this over with...

Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki Sandwich stuffed with teriyaki glazed chicken strips with our own fat-free sweet onion sauce. Fuck me, take a gander at the congealed hunks of cameltoe meat stuffed inside a supposedly 9-grain wheat bread that looked like it was pulled out from a hyena's sphincter... Laughing hysterically at me while I take the first bite... That's all I need, an audience to watch me projectile vomit from this rancid meat. I gotta admit, the veggies were bright and vibrant, though. But every single bite was mushy and squishy... Like chewing on a giant spitball with a few No.2 eraser nubs thrown in.

Italian B.M.T. Sandwich, Genoa salami, spicy pepperoni, Black Forest ham. Big. Meaty. Tasty... Holy shit, I thought BMT was some new Antifa sandwich made to appease them so they don't burn their fucking stores down... Wait, on second thought that doesn't sound like a bad idea... So, I assume this is their version of the Eyetalian sub. Jesus, look at that bread... Did it just come off the props table from a midget porn set? The Italian herbs & cheese bread looked kinda crusty and not in the fresh from the oven baguette sense... Crusty like a soiled 2 week old mamaw bloomers sense. I think it's the herbs and cheese aroma that brings back those precious memories from the days of yore when mamaw made me do her dirty laundry... Come to think of it, if you tilt your head slightly to the right that meatflap sub kinda looks like her... Nahhh, nevermind. Get your head outta da gutta, Pouch. The cold cuts and veggies were acceptable in the most generic sense but the Subway breads that they claim to be baked in house always taste so manufactured and artificial.

When I went to pay out, I gave them the BOGO coupon and they gave me another life surprise... They said they don't accept Subway coupons at a Subway, imagine the irony. It's no surprise why I haven't been back in double digit years and this revisit only helped reinforced exactly why I never returned... But the brown juice can make the Pouch do inexplicable things and it will have to face the consequences of such drunken ill-advised actions. Welp, looks like I took another wrong turn in my 600-lb life and will be crying myself to sleep once again... The culinary lengths I will go for my one fan. Hey, what's that old adage, again... That which does not kill us, makes us puke stronger into the toilet. And I paid full price to flush it all down the drain.

Flush.