Three Mountain Yellow Sriracha and Samyang Buldak HOT Chicken Flavor Sauce

The Pouch has never endorse any products on this ridiculous blog but since everyone has been cooking at home more than anytime in history, I thought these two products might be of interest for people who love hot sauces... Wait, I mean my one reader who may or may not like hot sauces...
Every woke roundeye has appropriated the Huy Fong "rooster" sriracha chili sauce as their discovery and have been stocking their pantry with the Asian ketchup for a few years now because they are now "in the know", but they are still not keen to their other two products, sambal oelek and chili garlic sauces, which in this fat slob's opinion are far more superior than their ubiquitous sriracha.... That shit is for the fucking amateurs and plebs. Don't get me wrong, that shit is still pretty good but I ain't using it as much as I did in the past... I use it mostly for burgers, hot dogs and fries these days, it's good for bland fatty American foods.
The Pouch has always made it's own homemade hot sauces from a variety of peppers like the bhut jolokia, pot, scorpion, reaper, viper, and naga morich because I have yet to find a store bought hot sauce that could hit like 3 million scoville units... Yes, there are some crazy hot capsaicin concentrates or oil extracts, but those aren't considered sauces, though.. But that doesn't mean I'm not always on the look out for new and interesting hot sauces on the store shelves whether it's ultra hot or just flavorful enough for certain foods, it really depends on what you want to pair it with. The two newest ones that I actually wanted to buy and try were a yellow sriracha and a hot chicken sauce... C'mon, that's a no brainer... Sold!
Let's take a first look and taste and see if it's worth the non-biodegradable plastic it's filled in...

Three Mountains Brand Spicy Yellow Sriracha Chilli Sauce. When I saw this all I could think of was a passage from one of Velvet Jones' Harlequin romance novels because I am such a romantic... "I saw them sitting on the shelf at H Mart. Dare I approach them? My heart pounded inside my chest. I felt a burning in my loins I had never felt before. Thus, I realized I had been... Kicked in the Pouch by Love."
A yellow sriracha chilli sauce? Sheee-it... I would buy it just for the shear novelty of it. But is it just a gimmick to get shoppers to buy it? Fuck yeah it is... But I didn't care. Take my money, motherfuckers! The had a small bottle size which was tempting just to try it and if it sucked who cares... But the Pouch doesn't go small on anything and went with the big bottle. Lucky I did because I was back the following week and both the big and small bottles were all out of stock. The secwet was out... In the words of Judge Smails, "Weeeeell?! We're waiting...". The Pouch friggin' loved it. It's not very spicy but the flavors were pretty awesome. It's more tangy and runny than the common red sriracha. It's one of the original sriracha from Thailand and the ingredients are all natural (yellow chilli, sugar, garlic, vinegar, salt). I have been squirting this shit on everything from fwied cheekan, wangz, tacos, flied lice, noodles, seafood, dog meat, titties... So fucking guud. Git it... If you can find it, suckaz!

Samyang Buldak Extremely Spicy HOT Chicken Flavor Sauce (Halal approved). First off, I friggin lurv the mouth flame-breather cheekan with the most fobby hairdo ever holding an ACME bomb with a lit fuse. Second, did y'all say "HOT chicken flavor sauce"... A spicy sauce dedicated to chicken? Fuck yeah, I'll buy that for a dollar or five. They have a regular original spicy chicken sauce with the black label but fuck that pussy shit... I want the "extremely spicy" chicken sauce because I want to feel the tingle in my loins and the growls in my pouch...
Let's see what's inside... Ingredients: Sauce (100%): water, artificial chicken flavor, corn syrup, soy sauce, soybean oil, onion, decolorized chili extract, garlic, paprika extract, green tea flavor oil.
Hmm, I don't know WTF decolorized chili extract is but it sounds pretty processed and colon cleansing... No matter, I have eaten so much weird shit in my measly life that would make a billy goat puke. This is child's play compared to the heinous shit that has gone down my throat and out the brown eye. I'm excited to try this chickenhead juice... They say to shake it well like a shake weight. The sauce is long, dark and thick as molasses... That's what she said. I had some leftover Publix fwied cheekan and it was the perfect vehicle to test this chicken lips sauce... And of course, I glazed an entire leg with it. Big mistake because this chicken sauce was surprisingly spicy. I guess that decolorized chili extract was pretty potent. I searched around to find a Scoville Heat Unit level for this and found nothing... But the comparable 2X Spicy Hot Chicken Flavor Ramen is listed as 10,000 SHU... And that shit was pretty hot. But I don't think they are using the SHU chart correctly because the 2X Hot Chicken ramen is way hotter than a serrano pepper which is between 8,000 to 12,000 SHU, it was more in the range of a habanero at 150,000+ SHU... Are these Coreans using metric or SAE for their SHU rating? Anyways, this Hot Chicken Flavor sauce is a keeper. Would I buy it again? Probably not after I finish it because my homemade sauces are much more spicier. But I would suggest it to noobs who were looking for something different, ethnic and spicy enough to make them cry for their mama's.
Speaking of crying... I'll be crying myself to sleep tonight, again... Like usual. I may be lonely but I ain't gonna be alone tonight with these two beauties. Pump pump... Squirt.