Holy fuck me silly and call me Lilly... The millennial roundeyes are absolutely in fucking love with this place... Or should I say Yelpers who showered the joint with across the board 5 star reviews because Hawkers got suckered into doing a free event for those freeloaders and did everything except suck each Yelper's cock under the table... But they were not above giving each of them a reach around in return for perfect scores. The hype is real, people... Real AF just like Gino's East debut. I don't know if it's because it's right off the beltline or their undeveloped palates are just utterly terrifying... It's OK, we all know it's the latter, wink wink. But whatever the case is this joint don't give a shit like honey badger... It's a Yelper's paradise. But will their love affair with the new Hawkers last more than 5 months? Those moochers loved Gino's East the first two weeks but where are they now? There's an old Yelp proverb that is still true today as it was when they black mailed their first restaurant- "If it's freee, it's for meee!" All the rave Yelp reviews from their free event is giving me a full blown heavy blood flow hard-on. It is just too fucking precious for the Pouch to not make a visit and see if the street fare is as authentic as they say it is when you have to pay for it. We all know when those fat slobs have to pay with real money, they will rat them out on the smallest trivial thing the first chance they get. Let's get to it, shall we (or me)? I don't even know if my one reader is still alive anymore...
The Pouch did a review of Hawkers in Jacksonville awhile back and it was pretty much comical... Not unlike a badly produced anime or the countless remakes of Godzilla. Their motto is "Eat the Streets. Share the Fare of Southeast Asia." The food was more like it was from Southeast Georgia... It was cultural appropriation at it's finest. They can even make the word "fusion" sound legit. They have many locations throughout Florida but c'mon, it's FLO-RIDA, those human centipedes down there don't know their assholes from their faceholes. Anything tastes good when you're on meth... For those who still have some teefs. There was a recent article that a Florida man claimed the cocaine in his nose wasn't his when he was arrested... I mean you can't make that shit up. Speaking of made up shit... Who came up with the menu? Charlie Chan? It's almost as authentic as the in your face Asian decor which is so goddamn over the top and stereotyped that you would think Sidney Toler designed the interior space.
OK, enough of the ball busting, Pouch... But it's so much fun, though... Let's see if this new expansion of the Hawkers empire is as good as all the online experts proclaim it to be... Walked in and the joint was mobbed... The wait was up to an hour. I said, the wait was fucking up to an hour for this place! Fine. Put the name down and headed a few doors down to the James Room to grab a drink. I heard mixed feelings about this new cocktail joint opened by the 18.21 Bitters owners. The front is a "cafe" and the back is the lounge/bar/speakcheesy/etc. Even during the early evening (read: daytime still) there was a wait for the back bar which was about 25% full... I already knew their shtick. I have been in the fancy lounge scene for over 25 years and let me tell you that scene is over. These fuckers were trying to bring it back or maybe they think it's something new to make people wait like schmucks while the bar sits empty. Are they forgetting that they consciously opened on the beltline? Here's the real fucking kicker... They said you can order drinks in the cafe but you can't go back to the bar unless you have paid your dues by waiting 30 minzies outside. I saw walk-ins go back there one after another without waiting a single goddamn minute and those fuckers were wearing shorts, tank tops and mandals. They told me they have "reservations". Just because I'm a fat fuck and old and shit doesn't mean I'm stupid... So, I walked through the gimmicky "shelf door" anyways and told them I'm going to use the bathroom. The back bar was fucking empty and you can literally hear crickets. People were jerking off about how incredible the design was back there but it reminded me of the bar area at the Colonnade... Come to think of it, the wall paper bar at the Colonnade is so much more classy than most of the decor in here... And these motherfuckers have "House Rules", hahaha what a fucking joke. I took a leak and went back to the cafe and really didn't care if they let me drink back there or not. Right when I was about to finish my awfully poured Tropicalia and pay out in the cafe they said I was finally granted entry to the bar. I'm like bitch, I was just back there. I would have said no thanks but my hour wait for Hawkers wasn't up yet. So, I went back there and had a very average Old Fashioned and paid out and headed back to Hawkers and the table was ready, what perfect timing. Listen to the Pouch, avoid the James Room unless you're one of those pretentious, self-absorbed, scenester wannabes that think paying for overpriced middling cocktails will make you cool. But hey, everyone in there is probably a "producer" or an "artist". Whatever, toolbox...Everyone knows you're a loser.
The server gives sloppy head... I wouldn't have mind it if it was like 2 AM.
OK, let's get right to it, no more pussying around... You are putting your one reader to sleep, Pouch!
Old Fashioned, $9. Missing orange, missing bitters, missing my house where I could make a better one for free... The only thing they didn't miss was the amount of ice, they were extremely generous with that.
Roti Canai, Malaysian flat bread served with a side of our signature curry sauce, $4. Look at that film on the curry... I'm suing if I get IBS-D from the monkey malaria. Wait, I get that everyday, nevermind. The roti tasted like it came from a factory line. It was acceptable but the curry badly needed a chunk of potato and a piece of bone-in chicken to get me to believe I'm tasting a bit of Malaysia.
Coconut Shrimp, coconut curry dipping sauce, $8. We ain't at Bahama Breeze, that's fo 'sho. At least the tails are still on them. The "coconut" curry sauce is the same damn sucky curry sauce as the roti canai. These coconut shrimp sucked ass... Not a hint of coconut. The uniformity was a dead give away they came from a brown bag from the back of a truck. And what's the purpose of the few strands of iceberg lettuce? To keep it from sliding off the check tray. Swipe left, motherfuckers.
Singapore "Chilli" Crab, national dish of Singapore, soft-shelled crab, house-made chili garlic sauce, fried bao bun, $9.50. I am a sucka for deep fried soft shell crab on any menu but I don't know if I would like one without the soft shell... Maybe this will be authentic since it's misspelled on the menu or maybe not. I guess it's better than eating King Crap. For what it was, it wasn't horrible. The crab was battered and fried decently but it was bland and unseasoned. The fried bao is a gimmick, does nothing for the overall taste. The chili garlic sauce looked like peach cobbler filler... Where's the crust? I'm on the fence with this if there is a next visit in my future... Maybe not after 5 months.
Siu Yoke, crispy pork belly, hoisin dipping sauce, $7. The real siu yoke is a whole roasted pig which is a process that takes time to produce correctly and this was just cubes of pork belly deep fried and tossed into a plastic basket. Zero technique but as with anything that contains pork belly and deep fried... You bet your ass this tasted pretty good. But it's a very chintzy portion for the price.
Chicka-Rones, Filipino-style crispy chicken skins tossed in jerk seasoning, $6. If this was truly flip-style, it should be called Chinks... But that may trigger some PC douchebag to rock back and forth covering his ears like Simple Jack. The skins were decent but the ratio of skins to price was a ripoff... It was barely seasoned with the jerk rub and they didn't even give you spiced vinegar to dip those Chinks in like how it should be served... This was worse than water torture. So, I looked up some pictures of this dish and it was supposed to come with some tomatillo sauce... What? It's Pinoy grub not Mexican't. Now, I'm glad they forgot that booger sauce.
'Nam-Nom Rolls, chilled rice wraps, basil, mint, crunchy spring roll, chicken sausage, lettuce, cucumber, $6. When this came out, I was like, who the fuck put pavestones on my plate... Look at that fucking brick of sausage patty. It was so gimmicky, I couldn't stop laughing while trying to eat it... I almost choked trying to get it down. Thank goodness I didn't because no fucking way anyone in this joint woulda been able to get their arms around my fat body to perform the heimlich manuever.
Sichuan Green Beans, pickled vegetables, carrots, Sichuan sauce, $5.50. Look at this sad display... There was like 13 string beans in there... They should have called it Shanghai'd Green Beans. The portion was so cheap Charlie it was almost racist. We already know that it will not even be Taco Bell spicy but when I see the word Sichuan, I'm all in like a sucka. But I gotta admit the taste was acceptable. It's hard to really fuck up green beans and it's cheap as fuck, too, so, don't be so fucking chintzy.
Pad Thai, rice noodles, shrimp, chicken, eggs, bean sprouts, carrots, spring onions, red chili pepper, roasted peanuts, lime, $9.50. Hahahaha... Jesus Christ. C'mon, stop it... Allen Funt, you can come out now. This dish was no where close to Thailand, maybe Tryland because you need to try again, bro. It lacked all the flavors of an even mediocre Pad Thai. Not a fucking hint of tamarind or fish sauce... But you can definitely taste oyster sauce and hoisin sauce. Did the cook read the wrong ticket item? But they did get the lime wedge and crushed peanuts right... Even though they used the wrong peanuts, raw not roasted. Don't worry, though... No one in here can tell the difference. You can tell them it's lo mein and they will believe it.
Beef Haw Fun, wide rice noodles, sliced steak, spring onions, bean sprouts, onions, soy sauce, $9.50. OK, I thought the Pad Thai was bad... Are you sure you don't have a kids menu? The portion was literally a cup. It was about 7 strands of rice noodles and 4 thin slices of beef. The color may look flavorful but it was unseasoned and almost bland. How the fuck did they achieve this with the gallons and gallons of oyster sauce and hoisin sauce up in this piece? If it was a decent portion, I may have overlooked it but shit, bro... How many parts must I scavenge from an Imperial Star Destroyer for a decent ration portion of beef haw fun?
Five-Spice Green Beans, lightly battered and fried to a crisp, tossed in our signature five-spice seasoning, $6. OK, the first try of the Sichuan spice green beans was acceptable taste-wise but the portion was so small that I was hankering for more green beans... So, why not try the Five-Spice version. The portion was more appropriate for a normal sized human appetite. I do like the thin crispy batter and the crunch of the crust and the green bean inside... But where's the five spice? Five spice is not exactly subtle and you know it when you taste it. They have the balls to call it their "signature five-spice seasoning"... It's more like nein-spice, no seasoning at all. They almost had this dish right, almost.
I was looking around online for pictures of the dishes because I wanted to see if the portions were consistently this small... The answer was a big fucking no. Given the place was packed on my visit but that's no excuse to be short changing customers paying full price dish after dish. Whoever was expediting had no reason to be in that position... It is one of the most important jobs in the kitchen. They are the last line of defense and they must check the quality and consistency of each dish before it goes out... And they failed miserably. So many dishes were executed incorrectly, missing components, sauces, seasoning, etc etc etc. Don't give me that shit about working the kinks out... That's like me saying well I forgot to bring more money so I'm just going to pay for half of the bill. I promise I will make it up to you on my next visit.
Look, Hawkers is new and shiny and the millennial hipsters all want to be the first to Insta the joint before anyone else because they think they're "influencers"... Who the fuck came up with that term? That is the stupidest shit I have ever heard. Wait, your stupid Insta pics influenced me to stay the fuck far away, thanks for the heads up, douche. The menu is all over the place and I mean fucking all over the place... There is no fucking way any of the dishes can be executed correctly by cooks who have never even heard of the dish before they started working here. The quality control is almost non-existent. It is truly cultural appropriation at it's finest and it doesn't matter if one of the owners is a slope. They are almost doing an disservice for all the global street fare they're peddling here on one menu because most of the kids eating here is their first time trying these street foods and they will think this is how it should look, smell and taste... And this is why we can't have nice things.
But... That's not to say there isn't a place for this global fusion joint in this one horse town... It's like the perfect kids menu for the millennials taking adulting classes.
I may sound like I have written this place off for good but not so fast my one reader... They have a happy hour menu and y'all know how much I love HH menus... I don't know if this new location is doing HH yet but if and when they are I may sneak in one day and try it again just to confirm that the food is just as low rent as the other visits I have encountered here in Atlanta and Florida .
661 Auburn Ave NE
Suite 180
Atlanta, GA 30312
https://eathawkers.com/atlanta-oldfourthward/
