Gentrification is in full effect on this stretch of Memorial Drive... So much generic bland ass construction going up in this once desolate area that reminds me of Detroit. This little black and white strip mall is no exception. Ok, fine, the Grant Park Market is pretty cute and the prices for the items in the market are pretty damn affordable and competitive. Their little built in deli counter is adorable and the menu is pretty decent. There's not much else opened yet except for this joint and Full Commission which is only serving breakfast for now. So, since it was night time... I guess I have no choice except to sneak a peak at the 'Za they're doing here.
First of all, I walked around the entire place looking for the fire pit. Their website is like... "So grab your family and friends because nothing says gather together quite like a fire pit." There is no fire pit. What the fuck, yo? If I named a joint called Cheekan and Beer I would be expected to serve cheekan and beer. This lack of attention to detail is already getting on my nerves not to mention the prices of the 'Za.. But we will get to that in a little bit.
The space is clean and modern but lacks any type of personality. And the bar, it's like something you find in a hotel or an airport... It is gaudy, cheesy and kinda over the top for a 'ZA joint. You can prolly pick up some nightcrawlers at the bar after 9PM... But not on the night I was there, woof. For a weekend night, the joint should be hopping but it was barely half full and the demographics were mid-century plus and depressing as fuck. The entire vibe of the joint was putting me to sleep... Hopefully, the food doesn't either... Let's grab a quick bite because I really want to get the fuck outta here already...
Naked and Unicorn Wings. They didn't look bad when it came out but upon closer inspection, the wings were pretty small and a few wings looked like some rodent took a bite from them before they threw them in the fryer. They were fried nicely, crispy golden skin and decently moist inside, that's how most bros like their chicks. The hot sauce was the weak ass bottled varietal and did very little to spice things up on the nekid wangz but it was edible at least. The unicorn wings... I don't know what makes them so magical because they tasted like they were just seasoned with some sweetened dry rub. They were ok, but I wasn't pooping rainbow soft serve or beaming rainbows out of my eyeballs. They were acceptable but there was nothing craveworthy about them.
Firepit Dip, brussels sprouts. It's amazing they have already bait and switched the price from $10 to $12... $2 may not sound like a lot but percentage wise, oh, it's a big change, so, it better be friggin' out of this world. And then this came out... Was someone using the bread as an elbow rest? Those two halves look like they were used as shoes on Naked and Afraid through the Amazon forest. And from this pic it looked like both halves could fit inside that side dish of brussels with room to spare. This sando is friggin small... S. M. All. I opened up the sando and the meat inside looked like a lump of coal. It wasn't sliced to make it easier to chew or eat... It was just a lump of overcooked, dried out, chewy turd that belonged on the edge of a lawn than inside your facehole. The au jus looked like the leftover coffee at the bottom of the pot after 3 days. You have no choice but to dip that dry ass sando in the jus to get it down your throat like at the July 4th Nathan's Hot Dog eating contest. Someone in the kitchen actually thought this looked appetizing on the plate. The brussels sprouts were a lot better but so would styrofoam peanuts after that sad excuse of a dip sando. To be fair, they don't have a firepit, so this dip couldn't be all that it could be without one. But still... I want my two dollars... Back.
Porchetta, tomato jam, argula. A 12" pie that is missing the red sauce and cut up into square slices for $19. Look at that fat wrinkly crust and that bushel of arugula... Kinda reminds me of a pig with a giant fat bush I hooked up with back in college. I was so boozed up, I couldn't see a thing when I was down in it's cellar, it was all stretch marks and thick curlies that flashed before my eyes, it was a sign my life was coming to an end. This crusty terror wasn't far from it, I hope I don't find any cheese inside the crust... Or else it will trigger another PTSD flashback. I need to step away from this mons pubis pie for a minute to gather myself.
The crust/dough was terrible, dried out, hard and way too crunchy and chewy... Come to think of it, if the crust had cheese in it, it woulda made a big difference. Cutting it into deformed squares made it even worse, they called it "Detroit" style... Did the Doctor cut it up with his metal hand? These square slices made me feel like a little kid eating room temp frozen 'Za back in the 70's. This pie was listed under the red sauce pies but it barely had a hint of red sauce. If they counted the tomato jam as sauce, then they also failed miserably since the pie was barely dotted with it... Shit, there was more sauce on the server's apron than on this pie. The slices of porchetta tasted like they were poached based on the gummy fat layers attached to it. The best part of this pie was the arugula, it was vibrant and fresh... That's because they didn't have to cook it. This porchetta pie sounds great on paper but it's lacking in all areas on execution. They really should give you a heads up on the square slices... They told me I can get it cut like a normal 'Za after the fact. I will never get another 'Za from here again... This specimen is all the proof I need.
This sampling of food was disappointing but not as disappointing as the space. This is supposed to be a "tavern"? It had zero "I want to stay here and drink some more" factor... I was struggling just to eat the food as quickly as possible, so I can get the fuck outta here ASAP and go somewhere else to drink. I mean, I would even go to the Republic, that dump has no atmosphere whatsoever but at least there's strange creastures to look at and make fun of at the deck bar. This place feels cold and empty... Maybe that's because they don't have that firepit to warm up the joint as promised. And if it is supposed to be a pizza tavern why aren't they showcasing the pizza oven? The pizza tasted like it came from an Easy Bake Oven... They should give you Shrinky Dinks on the side as a prize for ordering the pizza. The service and staff was borderline acceptable, nothing wrong with it but not really warm and friendly, either. It felt more like you were intruding on their space and time... If you're here and I'm here, doesn't that make it our time? Why do I feel like Spiccoli when he orders the pizza in class and Mr. Hand confiscate his pie and gives away the slices to his classmates and he's force to watch them enjoy his 'Za... But I actually wanted to give away my pizza to the few customers in here and watch them spit it out. I left more than half of that overpriced small 'Za on table and nobody wanted the rest... Not even the hobos on Memorial. How can a kitchen be so oblivious to what they're putting out and charging real money for it... At this rate, they should just move across the street with the rest of the dead. Bless their heart.
Flush.
519 Memorial Dr SE
Atlanta, GA 30312
http://www.firepitatl.com/
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